A Cullen Moment
by Wolf Babies
Summary: This is a collection of completely random moments in time during the everlasting lives of the Cullen family.
1. Carlisle Gets a Cat

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.

--

Carlisle walked in the door. "Oh my god. I want to get a pet."

"Ok." Esme said and the two went off to a pet store.

"I want a cat. Orange cat." Carlisle found one and paid and left the store.

--

Author's Note: Yay random….


	2. Jasper Joins the Track Team

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.

--

Jasper walked to the track behind the high school.

"I want to join track, so I won't be so emo."

"Alright." The track coach responded. "Run the two mile. Go!"

"Done."

"You didn't run it!" The coach yelled.

"Yes, I did." Jasper said in a monotone voice.

"Ok, then you are the world's fastest two-miler!"

"I'm still emo."

--


	3. No Sun for Jasper

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.

--

Jasper looked outside. It was a bright and sunny day. "I must use my not go in the sun ability."

He turned around and went back into the house. "I'm still too emo."

--

Author's Note: This moment was inspired by the interview with the guy who plays Jasper. He said the single coolest thing about being a vampire is the ability to not go out in the sun.


	4. Where's My Newborn

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.

--

"Help, help!" Esme cried, as she ran through the hospital. "I lost my newborn!"

"Calm down, Lady." A hospital nurse put his arms on her to restrain her. "We'll find your newborn."

"Here." Another person in the hospital handed the nurse a baby. "I think this is it."

"Is this your baby?" The nurse handed the baby to Esme.

"No, what the heck is that? I'm looking for my newborn, Jasper." Esme looked at the nurse, confused by the baby they were trying to hand her.

"Oh."

"My husband brought him in for bring your child to work day, and since Jasper is a newborn, he went."

"Ok…" The nurse stopped.

"Mom?" Jasper came out the elevator.

"Jasper!"

The nursed turned to see a nearly eighteen year old man walking out of the elevator, confused beyond all reason, the nurse slid away slowly.


	5. Emmett and Carlisle's Cat

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.

--

Emmett walked through the door of the Cullen mansion.

"I'm so thirsty." He groaned.

Meow…

Carlisle's orange cat, Fluffy, walked into Emmett's view.

"Yummy, dinner!"


	6. Edward Doesn't Love Bella

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.

--

"Bella," Edward began. Love radiating from his topaz eyes. "I love you with all my heart."

"Oh my god! You don't have a heart! You don't love me!" Bella began to freak out and cry.

"I mean I love you with all of my urge to drink your blood."


	7. A Pony Named Carrots

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.

--

"Hey, Edward." Carlisle looked at him.

"Yeah?"

"Do you remember when you were little and I bought you a pony and you named him Carrots?"

"Umm…one, you never knew when I was little. I've been seventeen the entire time you've known me. And you named my pony Carrots, not me.'


	8. Pass the Remote

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.

--

Edward and Alice sat on the couch watching a random _Friends_ re-run. It was becoming increasingly boring.

Edward looked over to Alice. "Can you pass the remote?"

"Sure." She handed him the remote.

--

Author's Note: I sure hope you are enjoying these random moments in time with the Cullens. I know they're completely random, but that's alright! :D


	9. Time Machine

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight

--

"Hey, everybody!" Emmett screamed. "I created a Time Machine!"

"That's nice, honey." Rosalie patted him on the shoulder, and walked out of the room.

"EDWARD!" Emmett screamed like a schoolgirl. "EDWARD! COME DOWN AND SEE MY SUPER AMAZING TIME MACHINE!"

"No." Edward said.

"Bella, come play with me in my time machine."

"Ok, Emmett." She walked behind in to the time machine, which was a refrigerator box in the middle of the living room.

"Come, get in, Bella. We're going to go see the Civil War!" Emmett motioned for her to get in. She shook her head.

"Ummmm…. I think it's too small. Sorry, bye." Bella ran away.

"Oh, fine." He slumped down in his time machine. "I guess I'll have to go alone."

6 HOURS LATER

"Stupid Confederates!" Emmett yelled joyfully from his time machine, just as Jasper was walking by.

Angered by this, Jasper went over and pulled Emmett from the box, throwing him across the room. And then preceded to take a pitchfork he had in his back pocket to the box.

Emmett's lip quivered. "My time machine…."

After Jasper finished destroying the box, he turned. "Don't mess with the emo kid."


	10. Mystery Prize

Disclaimer: I DON'T OWN TWILIGHT

Disclaimer: I DON'T OWN TWILIGHT! (Cries inside)

--

Alice was out picking up cereal for Bella's breakfast. She made her way to the isle and observed her chooses. 'Trix', 'Coco Puffs', 'Cheerios', or 'Boo berry' were the labels on the shelves.

"Mmmm…." Alice was thoughtful then it caught her eye.

"_Prize inside!"_ The Coco Puffs box read.

Alice almost screamed with anticipation, she had of vision of the wonder that lay in the box within.

She took the cereal and ran to the check out, at of course un-human speeds. Alice didn't have time to wait so she ran to the counter, dropped a fifty-dollar bill and continued to run.

Alice burst though the door of the Cullen house almost breaking the door off the hinges.

"BELLA!" She screamed loud enough that anyone in the tri-state area could hear her.

"What?!" Bella had her hands on her hips. "You don't need to scream, I'm right here!"

"I need your help, please." Alice gave Bella her puppy dogface.

"With wh-." Alice, who dragged her to the kitchen table, cut off Bella.

"I need you to eat this so I can get the prize!" Alice exclaimed.

"You know you could just pull the prize out?" Bella tried to reason with Alice.

"No! Now eat!" She threw a spoonful into her mouth.

"Alice," Jasper tapped Alice shyly on the back.

"Yeah, honey?" She smiled.

"Will this prize make me less emo?" Jasper looked down at his feet, all depressed and stuff.

"Of course it will it's a -."

--

Author's Note: OMG! I love my reviewers; you are SO sweet and make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside! I love you all! Thank you, you make writing this stupid events worthwhile!

Wolf Babies heart you! Oh yeah, has anyone noticed how emo Jasper is? lol!


	11. I Kissed a Wolf

Disclaimer: Do I own Twilight

Disclaimer: Do I own Twilight? No…. :( Or the song 'I Kissed a Girl' by Katy Perry.

--

"Hey, Bella, there's something I wanted to tell you." Edward stared into Bella's eyes, then reached for his pocket.

"What, my love? Who would never cheat on me with anyone." She smiled.

"Right, about that…" He looked nervous. "I think it's better I tell you in song."

He pulled out a crumpled piece of notebook paper with this beautiful writing on it. He cleared his throat, and began to sing.

(AN: This is to the song: 'I Kissed a Girl' by Katy Perry)

"_I kissed a wolf and I liked it_

_Taste of his musty, camp scent_

_I kissed a wolf just to try it_

_I'm sure Carlisle won't like it_

_It taste so wrong_

_It taste so right_

_I think I'm in love tonight_

_I kissed a wolf and I liked it_

_I liked it_"

"Huh?" Bella looked completely confused. "Who did you kiss?"

"We'll I haven't finished writing the whole song, but I got the second verse done, so here it is."

He cleared his throat again, and began once more.

"_Yes, Bella thinks I'm insane_

_Does it really matter_

'_Cause I went ahead and made out with Jake_

_What does it matter"_

Bella slapped him across the face and kissed him. "Isn't wolves so much fun?"

"Yup!"

The two proceeded to make out.

--

Author's Note: Really random ending! :D

Yup, my sis and I wrote that song. We're not done as you can tell, so yeah…we actually have a lot of Twilight parody songs.


	12. Where's Fluffy

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight

--

"Hey, Bella!" Jasper waved wildly at Bella. A grin spread across his whole face. "I love you! And I love the world! And I love Alice! And, and I LOVE EVERYTHING!" He then began to skip merry around the room.

"Ummm…What happened to Jasper?" Bella asked Alice.

"We sent him to therapy. He's a new vampire, who loves the world and isn't emo in the least!" She smiled and linked arms with Jasper and the two began to spin around in circles.

"OH MY GOD!" Carlisle ran into the room. "Where is Fluffy?" He was searching franticly for his beloved cat.

"Umm…Fluffy?" Emmett looked very suspicious. "I didn't eat Fluffy."

"YOU ATE MY CAT!" Carlisle yelled through his heartache. "That's the third one this month. First Jimmy, then Carlisle Jr. and now Fluffy! Why cruel world?" Carlisle fell to his knees and held his hands to the sky. "WHY? He was so young! So many fur balls he had yet to throw up! WHY?"

"Carlisle's cat is dead." Jasper stopped dancing with Alice. "Emo."

Jasper walked out of the room to sulk.

--

Author's Note: This moment is dedicated to Aye Chihuahua and all their reviews! Thank you! :D


	13. Animal Control

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.

--

There was a loud knock at the front door, and Carlisle being Carlisle went to go answer it. After opening the door, he saw nothing but a burning bag. He stomped on the bag to put of the fire, only to realize there was werewolf poop in it.

"Hey, you wild children!" They giggled from the bushes. "Don't be leaving burning wolf crap on my doorstep!"

Carlisle walked back inside cursing.

"What's wrong, dad type figure?" Alice asked.

"The werewolves ruined my shoes." He held one up to show her.

"Their jerks."

"Don't worry, Carlisle." Emmett yelled from the stairs. "We'll get back at them." He pointed to him, Jasper and Edward.

Edward picked up the phone book. "Animal Control. Oh here." He read the number and Jasper dialed.

"Hello." Jasper greeted. "We seem to have a wolf problem here in Forks. They are overpopulating the place. You need to capture and spay or neuter as many as possible to stop the overpopulation." He hung up. He turned to his brothers and gave the thumbs up.

--

The next day, Jacob stopped by.

Carlisle opened the door.

Jacob looked at Edward and growled. "I hate you." And left.

--

Author's Note: This moment is dedicated to Aiedail01 for all of their reviews! Thank you so much! :D


	14. Rick Rolled

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or Rick Rolling

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or Rick Rolling

--

The telephone rang loudly, it's sound crossed the house and ended up in Rosalie's eardrum.

She sighed, knowing she was completely too sexy to pick the phone, and answered it.

"Hey, Lady." A very high voice yelled.

"Edward, if you're going to prank call people, can you actually get other people to prank call besides your own family. You're so pathetic."

"No, you're pathetic."

"Edward, hang up."

"Fine, I'll hang up, but you have to promise to call me right back ok?"

"Fine." Rosalie heard a click. Then she redialed Edward's number and held the phone up to her ear.

"_Never gonna give you up. Never let you down. Never turn around an desert you."_

"Carlisle! Edward just Rick Rolled me!"

--

Author's Note: My brother keeps Rick Rolling everyone in my house, so I thought I'd write about it.


	15. Jasper Fights the Emoness

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.

--

Jasper skipped merry around the living room. "I'm so, so EMO! I'm so, so EMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I'm so, so, so E-" Jasper mid-sentence. "What the heck, you stupid author? I am not emo at all!"

"Umm…excuse me."

"You are excused. Now someone with some real talent can write the moments of our lives. Not some weird chick that just makes up crap!" Jasper growled at me. "I am not EMO!"

"You sound kind of emo right now. Threatening me and all."

"I'm not threatening you. Though I would like to come over to your house and give you a piece of my not emo mind!" He held up a menacing fist.

"Ooo..I'm so scared. Alice! Please come tell Jasper he's an emo kid."

Alice, in all her pixie like glory, skipped into the living and grabbed on to Jasper's arm.

"Come on, Jasper. Don't be so mean. What she writes about us is amusing to say the least. And though I don't think I'm that insanely happy all the time, it's funny to read about myself being that happy."

"You know, Alice, you are really happy. A lot."

"Well I'm sorry." She put her hands on her hips and pushed them to one side. "At least I'm not bitter and alone."

"Excuse me, Little Miss. Sunshine. I'm the one trying to record every bit of history your family has and this is how you repay me. Thank you very much, but I think I'm going back to my first love, Danny Phantom."

"Fine, go." She turned her back to me. Jasper followed in suit.

"Oh and just so you know. I saw Jasper's myspace. You aren't even in his top friends."

"Huh?" Her face was scrunched into an angered glace. "I'm not your number one?"

"Umm…ha ha…no." Jasper scratched the back of his neck nervously.

Insulted, Alice slapped Jasper across the face. "Hey, Author Chick!" She called to me.

"Yeah."

"I just want you to know. Jasper is emo." Her normal pixie like face was not more one of a small witch's as she smiled at him.

"I know it's on his is myspace profile."

"That's it you are going down." Jasper ran out the door and arrived at his destination quite quickly. It was my hou-

"Oh crap…"

--

Author's Note: Umm…Jasper is currently behind me, so I'm going to make this quick. This chapter in all its Jasper is NOT emo-ness is dedicated to Jasper is my Edward. Thank you so much for the reviews! :D


	16. Blood Drive

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight…duh…

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight…duh….

Author's Note: Jasper is still at my house, so I'm not going to write about him…coughemocough

--

"Hey, Edward." Emmett stood with a smiled spread wide across his face. "I want to show you something."

"What Emmett?" Edward crossed his arms annoyed by Emmett.

"A magically land, where it's ok to be a vampire." Emmett danced around Edward as he spoke of the magic.

"Where?" Edward pretended to yawn.

"Come with me, Edward." Emmett led Edward down to the Red Cross. They walked through the door, revealing a blood drive.

"See," Emmett pointed. "They're draining the blood from the people, so that the vampires don't have to. They are so nice."

"Emmett, that's not what's for."

"Yes, it is."

"No, Emmett." Edward shook his head.

"Oh, it's not. Oh well maybe I shouldn't have brought Victoria's band of newborns here. Oh well." As soon as Emmett finished talking, twenty or so newborns busted through the door and began to cause chaos.

"I'll get a mop." Edward walked away.

--

Author's Note: This moment is dedicated to PeaceLoveJonas7894, thank you so much! :D Seriously guys, without your reviews, I would not be writing these. Oh yes, and in regards to the mystery prize, my sister wrote that one, I pretty sure it's a plastic Indiana Jones toy that is in our box of Cinnamon Swirls.

Oh wait, I'm supposed to explain Rick Rolling. It's a prank. You give someone a phone number or website, they call or go to the site, and all that happens is the song "Never Gonna Give You Up" By Rick Astley plays. That's it.


	17. Father and Son Time

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.

Author's Note: Well, Jasper left my house, after reading the reviews he decided he needed to go check out our reviewers. So keep a watch out for Jasper.

--

Carlisle sat down with Edward next to him holding a family album in his hands. "You know, you were such a cute newborn." Carlisle flipped to a picture of Edward looking exactly the same as he did currently, except for his red eyes.

"Ummm…Exactly the same." Edward pointed to himself and the picture. "I'm still seventeen."

"Yeah, but remember all those fun times we had together when you were young."

"No. Why are you so desperate to have father/son moments with me anyway?"

"Because I love you." He wiped away a non-existent tear. "You grew up so fast. It was like yesterday, I was teaching you how to drain the blood from unsuspecting human victims."

"Why do you only care about me?"

"Because, Edward, I'm your father."

"No, you're not."

"Ok, I'm not, but…don't remind me." Carlisle closed the album quickly. Holding it to his chest, he scurried away, on the verge of non-existent tears.

"I hate father/son time." Edward leaned backwards on the couch.


	18. Glass Houses

Disclaimer: I DON'T OWN TWILIGHT

Disclaimer: I DON'T OWN TWILIGHT! (I felt like screaming it at you)

A/N: My brother asked me this question; I found it funny so here you go.

--

"EDWARD!" Emmett shouted, from the somewhat living room.

"What!?" Edward walked down stares with Bella.

"I have a question!" He jumped up and down excitedly.

Emmett then blocked his thoughts to make the question better; Edward would have less time to think up a smart-aleck answer.

"Ok, so you know how there is that saying 'Don't throw stones in a glass house'?"

"Yeah what about it?" Edward was getting annoyed VERY quickly.

"Well I was wondering what if you're stuck in the glass house? And that was the only option you could find?" Emmett was completely confused on what to do.

"First of all, when will you be stuck in a glass that you'll need an answer? Also I think throwing stones in any household is a bad idea, you could hurt someone or break something. Why is there an exception for glass houses any way? Throwing stones in any house in bad mannars." Edward began to go a long rant about, throwing stones, and the consequences.

"Oh, so if I'm stuck it's ok to throw stones?" Emmett asked

"Of course!" Edward replied.

"Wait, wait, wait." Bella jumped into the discussion.

"Yes Bella?" Edward turned to see why she jumped into the brotherly moment about throw stones.

"Emmett, instead in throwing stones in the glass house, why don't you just open the door?" Bella exclaimed.

"Doors are over-rated." He shook his head, as if saying 'Duh'.

"I'm so out of here." Bella left the dead/living room.

"Bella!" Edward was about to follow, but was stopped by Emmett again.

"One last question." Emmett sounded like a whiney child that wanted something stupid.

"What!?"

"Ok, so why is it when escalators are not working the store puts up a sign that say 'Out of Order' when it could just say 'Temporarily Stares'?


	19. Blue's Clues

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or Blue's Clues

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or Blue's Clues.

--

Emmett watched intensely as his favorite T.V. show, Blue's Clues, was coming to a close. Just one more clue and Steve had all he needed to succeed in find out what Blue wanted to do.

"A clue, a clue." The children shouted from the T.V.. Emmett began to shout with them.

"A clue, a clue. Look, Edward!" He pointed to the T.V.. "It's the last clue."

"That's nice, Emmett." Edward completely ignored Emmett and went back to making out with Bella as he had been doing prior to being asked a question.

"Ok, it's time for the Thinking Chair!" Steve said merrily, as he danced his way over to the chair. But before the mystery of what Blue wanted to do was solved, something appeared.

"The National Weather Service has issued a severe thunderstorm warning for the following counties…" It began to list names of counties.

"Oh no!" Emmett screamed. "How will I know what Blue wants to do?" The shock was overwhelming him.

"Edward!"

"Yeah." Edward stopped making out with Bella to answer.

"We have to figure out the clues." Emmett was panicking.

"Ask Jasper to help you. I'm busy."

--

Five minutes later, Jasper was dressed in a green striped shirt and kakis. Edward was on all fours wearing a random blue dog suit they had laying around. Bella had a white sheet draped over her, so she looked like the bar of talking soap. And Alice, who unfortunately walked down stairs too soon, was wearing a large clock costume.

"Alright everyone. Let's figure out these clues." Emmett handed the group the list of clues he wrote down.

Edward looked at the drawings and identified them all. "A frying pan, a meatball hoagie, and a French vanilla latte."

Jasper looked at the list. "I'm pretty sure, Edward/Blue, wants to beat Emmett with the frying pan. Then give the meatball hoagie to Rosalie as a peace offering for beating her husband with a frying pan. And finally, who cares about the lattee anyway. Beat him with the frying pan!" Jasper pointed at Emmett. Everyone held up random cook wear.

"Umm…Blue skidoo. We can too." And with that he ran.

--

Author's Note: this is dedicated to Musically Twilight. Thanks for the reviews!

Woot! Almost 50, that's so awesome! Thank you guys so much! :D


	20. QVC Shopping

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight…hmm…I wish I did though…hmm… Yeah, if I did own Twilight, Jasper would be a super emo kid

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight…hmm…I wish I did though…hmm… Yeah, if I did own Twilight, Jasper would be a super emo kid.

Jasper growls from behind me. Crap, he's back again. Anyway…

--

"Hey," Alice lifted a wallet from the kitchen table. " Carlisle left his wallet." She smiled a wicked pixie smile.

"So." Rosalie looked very disinterested.

"Oh, come on, Rosalie. Think of the shopping." Alice's smile grew.

"No, Alice. I don't want to." Rosalie walked away.

" You're no fun. I'm sure the boys will have fun with me. Edward! Jasper! Emmett! Carlisle left his wallet again."

"Did he leave his credit cards?" Emmett called in return.

"Yes." She replied.

"Yes!" And with that, Edward, Emmett, and Jasper appeared in front of Alice. "To the QVC channel!" Emmett grabbed Alice's hand and ran into the living room with her and the other boys following behind.

Jasper flipped through the channels on the T.V. until they reached QVC shopping.

"And now," Alice started. "We will perform our favorite past time. Buying random stuff with Carlisle's credit card while he's at work."

"First up," The saleswoman on QVC began. "We have these fine hand bags. Handmade in Japan."

"Boring…" Emmett said as he leaned backwards on the couch, he could already tell today was going to be slow.

--

Five hours, and seven handbags, four toasters, a trench coat, and fourteen flashlights later, the item of the day came on.

"Today our daily special is a…" The woman paused for a moment to look at her prompt card. "A lifetime supply of ham."

"OH MY GOD! I LOVE HAM!" Emmett excitement had him yelling in Edward's ear.

"Emmett, you can't eat it, you know." Edward pushed Emmett away from him.

"I know, but think of the possibilities. You can carve animals out of it. You can lure dogs with it. You can give it as a present. You can name and keep as a pet. Ham is the most amazing creation ever, Edward. Why don't you want it?"

"Emmett," Alice looked to him. "Would you like the ham?"

"Yes, please." He nodded.

--

Four weeks later, there was a knock at the door. Carlisle answered it.

"Hello, sir."

"Hello." Carlisle nodded.

"Here's your ham, sir."

"My ham?"

"You know, the lifetime supply of ham you ordered."

"Oh right. Thank you."

The boxes were put in the house and the deliveryman left.

"Kids!" Carlisle shouted. "Which one of you ordered the lifetime supply of ham again?"


	21. Princess

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.

Author's Note: Fluffy is coming back with a vengeance…Muh ha ha…

--

Emmett held a cute, little kitten in his arms. It was completely black and purring softly. Emmett petted the kitty as he walked his way into the mansion.

"Carlisle!" Emmett called, holding the kitty protectively. "Carlisle, I got you something."

Carlisle appeared in the staircase. "What did you-" He saw the kitten and a surprised smile spread across his face. "It's a pretty kitty!" His voice squeaked as he spoke.

"Yeah, this is to make up for Fluffy. Her name is Princess. And she is so excited to have you as her daddy." Emmett lifted the kitten to his face. "Isn't that right, Princess?"

"Emmett, stop!" Carlisle ran over and snatched the kitten away from Emmett. "It's my cat!" And with that Carlisle ran away with his 'Princess'.

--

Four days later, Emmett was thirsty, and unfortunately for Princess, she was walking right in his view.

"No. No. I already killed three of Carlisle's cats this month…must resist." Emmett's eyes watched the kitty. "Must not." He grabbed on to the table behind him, trying to hold his body back from pouncing on the kitten. "Jasper!"

"Yes, Emmett." Jasper appeared downstairs.

"Bite the cat, so that it's a vampire cat and I would eat it."

"That is the stupidest plan I've ever heard." Emmett's eyes met Jasper's. "But fine." Jasper went over and bit Princess. She began to have a seizure type reaction on the floor.

"Happy, Emmett?"

"Yes, very Jasper. Thank you."

--

Three weeks later, Carlisle was walking through the front yard, when he came across some random corpses lying lop-sided and scattered around the yard.

"Ummm…this might be a problem." There was a loud scream, Carlisle turned to see Princess jumping on top of a random Forks citizen and knocking them to the ground. Princess then began to maul the person, and once the satisfied. Princess leaned down and drank the blood of her victim. She looked over at Carlisle and hissed.

"A vampire cat…Excellent." Carlisle walked back into the house.

--

Author's Note: So, Fluffy didn't actually come back, but Princess will be sure to cause havoc in Fluffy's place. Princess is named after my friend's black cat, who just kind of showed up at their house, after biting my friend's little sister. Vampire Cat…muh ha ha!


	22. Superhero Names

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.

Author's Note: I meant to do this a few chapters ago, so here it is. THANK YOU SO MUCH for all the reviews! Woot! This story broke 60! That's a new record for my sister and I (we're co-authors of this story)! Seriously, thank you guys! :D

--

"Hi, Edward!" Emmett waved wildly to Edward.

"Hi, Emmett." Edward waved slightly.

"Edward, so I was thinking…I think we should become super heroes."

"And what made you think we would be good super heroes, Emmett?"

"We'll we're all gorgeous and we've all got powers. Come on, Edward. I already thought of names for us." He begged Edward to give in.

"What kind of names did you come up with?" Edward raised an eyebrow towards him.

"Well, Carlisle would be V Doc."

"When did we decide Carlisle was becoming a rapper? No, Emmett that's stupid. Someone might think he's going be laying down some serious beats, not saving lives."

"Ok, ok…Esme would be Free Fall." Emmett smiled at his choice.

"That's just mean…what am I? Influenza boy?" Edward crossed his arms.

Emmett sighed. "Ok, so maybe that one was a little mean. I got better. Rosalie would be Sexy Babe."

"Emmett, I am not calling Rosalie 'Sexy Babe'." Edward stuttered at the thought.

"Fine, Alice would be Sightseer. Cool, huh?"

"No." Edward shook his head. "That's stupid. She sounds like a tourist."

"Jasper would be…The Stupid Confederate." Jasper appeared and smacked Emmett in the back of the head.

"Thank you, Jasper." Edward nodded to Jasper as he left the room.

"I would be Super Emmett!" He proudly declared with a smile across his face.

"Super Emmett is going to get punched in the face in about four seconds." Edward made a move to leave.

"You're going. You haven't even heard you name."

"Considering the rest. I don't want to hear it. Goodbye." Edward was about to, but Emmett grabbed his arm.

"Oh come on. You would be Spedward." He laughed as he said it.

"You know what. I would have liked Influenza Boy better." Edward left the room.

--

Author's Note: Emmett has become my new target, so Jasper could have a break.


	23. Pepper Spray

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.

--

Emmett was driving happily in his car, when he reached into his glove compartment and pulled out a device that looked like breath fresher.

He stared at the strange device. _Jasper must have left this in my car, when I let him drive it._ He thought to himself.

"Well," Emmett said out loud. "Might as well smell and then possibly use it."

Emmett turned the device so that he thought that it's sprayer was facing the opposite direction, away from his face. He pressed down on the button on top of the device, allowing some of the spray to release.

But little did Emmett realize that the sprayer was in fact pointing right at his face. And once the spray hit his eyes he realized it wasn't breath fresher at all, but pepper spray.

"Ahhh…" He shouted as he tried to drive, while his eyes burned. And seeing as how, he couldn't cry, the pepper spray just stayed there.

He drove his way down the highway, trying to avoid cars, but failing miserably. He had already started fifteen accidents by the time he reached his front door. He burst through the door, covering his eyes.

"Ahhh!" Esme screamed. "Robber! You're covering your eyes so I don't know it's you, right? Oh you're going down!"

"No, it's just-" He was cutoff by Esme tackling him to the ground. "No, Esme. I just pepper sprayed myself while driving. Nothing big." Emmett was able to get her off of him and make his way to the kitchen to clean his eyes out.

Once finished, he turned around to see Esme.

"That's right. Pepper spray." Esme sprayed him in the eyes. "Take that, Robber. Ha ha!"

"Dang it." Emmett covered his eyes again and walked into a wall.

--

Author's Note: My friend's grandpa pepper sprayed himself going down a highway. He was the only one in the car, so he just kept driving.

This moment is dedicated to DamnThoseDazzlingCullens for your reviews! Oh yeah, my sister and I love your name so much! We wanted to tell you that. Woot! :D


	24. Capricious Cullens

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.

--

"Guys!" Alice screamed as she ran around the house. "Guys, I just had a vision and we have a problem!"

"How big of a problem?" Edward asked as he added a card to the house of cards he was building.

"Super huge-arific!" Alice held out her hands to show how big.

"What did you see, Alice?" Jasper asked.

"Someone's house is on fire! And, being superheroes, need to go put it out."

"Alice, we not superheroes." Edward went back to ignoring her to finish his house of cards. "Emmett is just a lunatic."

"Oh, come on, Edward. Someone might get hurt." She pouted.

"Yeah, Edward." Jasper pouted with Alice. She walked over and sat on his lap and they both proceeded to give Edward the puppy dog look.

"Oh, come on." Edward waved his hand. "You two are acting like a bunch of werewolves."

Jasper and Alice looked at one another. "I'm insulted." Alice said. "I am not that furry."

"Fine, we can be superheroes, just this once."

"Yes!" Emmett screamed as giddy as a schoolgirl. Running into the room, he began jumping up and down. "Let's go."

They all piled into Carlisle's car, and by piled, I mean, they were laying on top of each other because there wasn't enough seats for everyone.

"Couldn't we all just have run? It would have been just as fast." Edward asked as he was being crushed by Jasper who was laying across everyone in the back seat.

"No, Edward. We need a super awesome car, if we are going to be fighting crime." Emmett pushed Jasper more on to Edward, who grunted. "We'll call our means of transportation…The Enigma Engine."

"Emmett?"

"Yeah?"

"You are so stupid."

"Thank you." Emmett smiled.

They arrived at the 'burning house', only to realize it wasn't burning yet.

"Umm…Alice, it's not on fire." Edward said staring out at the clearly not burning house.

"I know, but it will be." She got of the car with everyone else. "And we have to save everyone."

"Ok…"

Carlisle busted through the door with Esme and Rosalie flanking right and left. "Move, move." The Cullens ran into the house.

"What the heck?" The resident of the house, who was a middle-aged woman, yelled. "Who are you people?"

"We are the Capricious Cullens, protectors of Forks. I am V Doc. This is my lovely wife, Free Fall." He pointed. " My daughters, Sightseer and Sexy Babe." Rosalie and Alice waved. "And my sons, The Stupid Confederate, Super Emmett and Spedward."

"Influenza Boy." Edward corrected.

"I like Spedward better. Sorry." He turned back to the woman. "We come to save you from you fire."

"There's no fire."

"Not yet." Carlisle ran over and grabbed the woman and pulled her from her home. "Let's move."

"Yay! I want to make some pancakes for Bella to celebrate our first time saving someone." Emmett sat down on the ground next to the house and lit a campfire, which caught the house on fire. "Crap." He looked down at the fire. "Darn, you pancakes."

The Cullens left while the woman's house burned to the ground.

--

Author's Note: My sister and I are going on vacation for a week, so we won't be able to update until Sunday. Sorry…:(


	25. Tilt a Whirl

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight!

WE'RE BACK! Woot! :D

--

"Oh My Carlisle!" Alice shouted from the living room. "EMMETT!"

"What?!" Emmett was standing right next to her.

"Are you REALLY going to host a tilt-a-whirl contest?" Alice was so excited she was doing back flips.

"Heck yes!"

Emmett and Alice began a happy dance to celebrate the happy time.

"Let's get everyone together in the backyard and began the game!" Alice danced away with jittery anticipation.

And thus the game begun, there were all slit into teams of two.

Edward and Bella

Esme and Carlisle

Emmett and Jasper

Rosalie and Alice

Everyone was fine for the first about…5 seconds until Bella got sick already. Edward had NO chance of winning because you and your partner had to stay in the game.

The game continued on without Edward and Bella. This contest could take a LONG time, mostly because none of them need to eat, sleep, or go to the potty.

"I'm bored!" Emmett complained from his sit with Jasper. "Jasper entertain me!"

"No, I'm in a meeting." Jasper said.

"A meeting! Can I come?!" He began to jump with excitement.

"No, it's only for emos. Sorry."

"I can be emo!" Emmett challenged.

"Fine, go for it." Jasper accepted.

Five long hours passed.

"I have to go cut myself in the bathroom." Jasper stood up from his seat and was about to step out, but Emmett jumped out before him.

"I'M MORE EMO THEN YOU SO I GOING TO GO CUT MYSELF BEFORE YOU! HA!" Emmett bolted away to the bathroom, followed by the one and only real emo, Jasper.

Two teams down.

Random amount of hours pass again.

"Oh No!" Carlisle shouted.

"What?! What, honey?" Esme tried to calm the frantic Carlisle.

"I didn't feed Princess!" Carlisle leaped out of the seat and was gone before anyone could point out the cat is a vampire it doesn't eat.

Three teams down.

"Hey Rose." Alice turned to her.

"What?"

"I think we just won. WHOOO!" Alice did another back flip.

"Yippy Skippy." Rosalie was VERY sarcastic.

--

Author's Note: We're back! :D

My sister and I actually tried to have a tile-a-whirl marathon while we were on vacation, so we went on the ride a couple of times. The ride attendant kept falling asleep, it was kind of amusing, but whatever.

Oh yeah, the name Spedward is derived from the abbreviation 'sped' is used to mean Special Education. So pretty much, we are calling Edward stupid, but we love him still!


	26. Miley Cyrus

Disclaimer: Guess what…I still don't own Twilight

Disclaimer: Guess what…I still don't own Twilight. One would have thought after writing almost 30 chapters of randomness that I would be closer to owning it. But you would be wrong. And oh yeah, no Hannah Montana either.

--

Miley Cyrus danced across the Cullen's T.V. screen. Emmett, Alice and Jasper watched intently as she smiled and bounced around singing her new hit,'7 Things'.

"Oh yeah!" Emmett stood up from the couch and began to dance around like Miley. "I love Miley Cyrus! And I hate Hannah Montana!"

"You realize they are the same person, right?" Jasper asked.

"No! They are not!" Emmett stopped dancing and stuck his tongue out at Jasper. "They are very different."

"Whatever." Jasper put his head on Alice's chest. "God, I hate this music. It has too much hope."

"Oh…" Emmett looked anger. "Shut up, Jasper." He turned back to the screen to see the very end of the music video.

Miley danced her final jig, and then turned to the camera and mouthed. 'I love you'.

"OH MY GOD!" Emmett screamed. "MILEY LOVES ME!"

"Alice," She looked down at Jasper. "Let's escape while we can." The two stood up and sliently left the room.

"I have to tell her I love her too!" Emmett ran out to his truck and turned on the engine. "Don't worry, Miley, my love! Your vampire lover, Emmett, is on his way!"

6 MINUTES LATER

Emmett had driven incredibly fast so he could see his love. He kicked in the Cyrus' residence door and ran straight into the house.

"Miley! I read your lips and I know you love me!"

"Umm…excuse." Miley Cyrus appeared in front of Emmett. "What the heck are you doing in my house?"

"I watched your video 7 Things, and at the end you proclaimed your love for me, so I came! I LOVE YOU!"

"Umm…no," She looked around quickly. "Security!"

Two huge guards appeared and pulled Emmett from the house.

"Don't come back you creep!" Miley yelled from her front porch.

4 DAYS LATER

"So, Emmett. Did Miley actually love you?" Jasper finally asked.

"Actually she loves me so much she signed a legal document, that said that me personally can't come in 200 mile radius of her." He held out the paper. "She loves me so much!"

--

Author's Note: I just saw the music video to the song '7 Things' and at the end Miley mouths out 'I love you' and so this was born. Yeah…


	27. What's Behind the Door

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.

Author's Note: My five-year-old cousin wrote this. Well we did add things, but the story is hers.

--

Bella laughed as she pulled Jacob to the door of the Cullen home. Jacob was blindfolded, for obvious reasons.

"Bella, where are we going?" Jacob attempted to pull up the blindfold, but Bella slapped his hand.

"Umm…you'll see." She said smiling.

She turned him around a few times and once his back was facing the door to the Cullens, she pulled off his blindfold.

Jacob turned around to see Bella's face, which she had made look as if she was mad. Her face was blazing red.

"Umm…Bella?"

"Open the door, Jake." She pretended, but her pretending was very convincing, to growl at Jake.

"Ok, ok…"

He opened the door and was attacked by Edward.

"What the heck?" Jake shouted as Edward pummeled him.

Edward and Bella began to laugh. Jacob whimpered.

"Loser." Edward said as he began to make out with Bella. Jacob cried.

--

Author's Note: Yeah, my little cousin, Erica, told us this story…mostly the part about Edward beating up Jacob…she's so cute.


	28. Lincoln Tunnel

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.

--

Bella, Edward, and the rest of the Cullen clan were riding in the family car Carlisle had just bought that morning.

"Hey, look." Emmett pointed. "It's the Lincoln Tunnel. Hold your breath until the end of it and you get a wish."

"Let's do it." Alice smiled.

"Umm…guys." Bella started. "You realize I'm a human and can't hold my bre-" She was cutoff by Alice covering her mouth as they entered the tunnel.

"Hold your breath, Bella."

The Cullens all held their breaths and considering they don't have to breath anyway this was easy. Bella on the other hand was panicked as she tried to pull Alice's hand from over her mouth. Bella was becoming increasing faint. Her vision was swimming and she needed to breath, but Alice didn't notice.

And finally after about a minute without breathing, Bella passed out on the floor. Alice looked at her confused.

"Carlisle, I think Bella fainted."

"Then she doesn't get a wish because she probably took a breath." Carlisle replied.

"Oh, ok." Alice went back to seating nicely in her seat.

After exiting the Tunnel, the Cullens all let out fake breaths of relief. Edward looked down at his feet to see Bella. "What happened to her? She can't hold her breath? What the heck?"

--

Author's Note: The Lincoln Tunnel is in New York City and is very long.


	29. Your Face

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight…

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight….

Author's Note: I meant to say this before, but anyway here it is, THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO REVIEWED OR FAVORITED OR ALERTED! I would proclaim my love for you all, but that might be a little weird. Woot, over 100 reviews! :D

--

The phone rang loudly; Carlisle went over to answer it. "Hello…. Yes, it's me…. Oh, ok…bring him over… You're welcome. Bye."

"Umm…what was that about?" Edward asked crossing his arms. "The caller id said 'Black', so what are you best friends with Jacob now or something?"

"No, Jacob has a fever of 113 and since if they took him to the actually hospital everyone would freak out because his temperature is so high."

"Oh, so he's coming over here?"

"Yup. They should be here." There was a knock at the door. "Now."

Jacob was left in the living room alone with Edward, Emmett, Alice and Jasper.

"So since he's unconscious and won't know what we did to him, what do you want to do?" Edward asked staring down at Jake.

"Well, he is a hot as a stove." Emmett cupped his chin with his hand. "Let's cook dinner for Bella on his face!"

"That is an excellent idea, Emmett." Edward replied smiling. "Alice, go get some ingredients."

Alice returned with some random things she just grabbed off the shelf in the kitchen. A bottle of ketchup, three packages of Jiffy Pop, the French Vanilla latté, from the time Emmett made them reenact Blue's Clues, a large piece of chicken and a pinecone.

"Jasper, you're in charge of cooking." Edward pointed to him and her nodded.

Jasper placed a pot full of water on Jacob's face and waited until it began to boil. Then he proceeded to cook the rest of the meal.

--

Three hours later, Jasper was finished and the group was feeding Bella and Jacob, just because they were afraid they'd have extra, the meal.

"Mmmm…this is so good." Bella complemented.

"Where did you find a place to cook this?" Jake asked, noticing no stove and knowing they didn't need one.

"Your face." Edward replied.

"Ha ha…" Jake mocked laughed. "No, seriously. Where?"

The group responded this time in unison. " Your face."

"You know what? You guys suck. Literally."


	30. J B Cullen

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, but on the bright side I do enjoy Go-Gurt

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, but on the bright side I do enjoy Go-Gurt. I don't own Go-Gurt; I just enjoy it. And that's enough for me.

Author's Note: WARNING: Wolf Babies cannot be held responsible for any and all injuries you may receive while reading this story. This includes falling off of a chair in laughter or being shunned by your friends because you are laughing in the middle of a public place and no else gets the joke. Read at your own risk. Lol! XD

--

Rosalie was walking through the park near the Cullen home, soaking in the day. She stopped to look at flowers and dance around in circles and such. Today was going to be an awesome day. She knew it.

And then she saw it-no, not it- him. A little baby boy with light brown curly hair and the cutest smile ever. Rosalie growled at the mother who had left such a precious gift unattended. Suddenly it struck her, take the baby.

Rosalie ran over lightning fast and grabbed the baby. And sprinted away back to the house.

"OH MY GOD! MY NEWBORN IS GONE!" The woman cried.

"Here you go, Lady." A former nurse at the hospital, where Carlisle worked, led Jasper, who happened to be doing yoga over to the woman. "Here's your newborn. I caught him this time."

Jasper looked at the woman. "You are NOT my mom!" He yelled and ran away trying to cry.

--

Rosalie came through the front door and closed it swiftly.

"What cha got, Rose?" Emmett asked as he walked down the stairs.

"My baby." She stated proudly.

"You have a baby? You cheated on me?" Emmett fell to the floor whimpering.

"No, I stole him. And I will call him J.B. Cullen."

Edward walked into the room. "You are naming the kid Jacob Black Cullen? Poor kid. Has such a stupid name."

"No, his name is Jacob Bak(CENSORED) Cullen. And he's my little baby." She held him up.

"Jacob Bak(CENSORED) Cullen, nice. But you aren't thinking about keeping a human child here, right?"

"No." She held baby Jake out to Edward. "Bite him. It will be like practice for Bella."

"Can't fight with the logic." He bit the baby Jake, who screamed bloody murder. "He's all yours."

"Yay!" Rosalie yelled through the baby's screech.

At that moment, Carlisle and Esme got home. "What's going on?"

"I'm a mother!" Rosalie yelled.

"Esme," Carlisle looked at her. "I feel old."

"Well, you should. You're like 300 freaking years old. But I love you, you old pedophile."

"I love you too, you much younger than me woman who could potentially be my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-granddaughter." They began to make out.

"Eww…"Edward and Emmett covered their eyes. "Grandparent love."

--

Author's Note: The baby is named after a kid in our school Jake B.. It's funny, well also have a Leah C. And they two of them perform in all the schools plays, so they're almost always togher.


	31. Princess's Revenge

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. Or The Wizard of Oz song.

--

Carlisle walked outside to see the entire yard covered in bloody corpses the cat had left. He called a family meeting.

"It has come to my attention, that someone, " He looked straight at Emmett. "has bitten my Princess and made her a blood thirsty vampire cat. Which would be ok, except of the fact that now she has killed half the town."

"I'm sorry, Carlisle." Jasper said with his head down. "My emo-ness overtook my better judgment when Emmett asked me to bite the cat."

"No, it's fine. We just now have to kill it."

"Yes, finally something I can do!" Emmett yelled and bounced up and down.

"We'll need to attack her with knives and cut her up and burn." He glanced at his group. The all nodded. "Ok, let's go."

Upon walking outside, everyone could see the carnage left by the sweet kitty.

"Butcher knives ready?" Once Carlisle asked, all the Cullens held up their knives in ready position.

Princess came into view. The Cullens pounced, but Princess was smart and summoned up her band of newborn vampires.

"She's more powerful than Victoria." Edward said as he slashed at a vampire ready to jump on him.

The battle raged for three days, without a clear-cut victor. Princess had collected many on her journey around Forks, she had been able to create an army so strong not even love, the most powerful emotion, could defeat it.

That's when Bella arrived, with a butter knife, since she had heard of the vampire invasion. Princess saw her as a target and clawed at her. Bella screamed and began to stabbed the cat until it finally fell.

Bella quickly pulled out some lighter fluid and matches she kept in her back pocket for times like this and burned the remains. Bella smirked at her handy work.

"The evil cat is dead!" Emmett screamed, lifting Jasper up. He, Jasper and Edward began to sing.

_Ding dong the cat is dead_

_Which old cat?_

_The vampire old cat_

_Ding dong the vampire cat is dead_

_--_

The three-some danced until early morning, once the sun had risen they returned inside the house. Which is when there was a knock at the front door. Emmett answered it, to find a litter of black kittens in a box.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"


	32. Dam Dadi Doo

Disclaimer: I don't Twilight

Disclaimer: I don't Twilight. Duh…. It don't own Dam Dadi Doo by Nightcore either.

Author's Note: I'm dancing currently to Dam Dadi Doo, it's so much fun! Woot! :D

--

Jasper and Emmett stood on the La Push beach. They had gotten the wolves to leave by leading them away with some of the ham Emmett had leftover from his lifetime supply. And since the wolves were gone, the Cullens decided to throw a party on the beach.

"Hey, what's that?" Emmett asked.

"A fish." Jasper replied as he watched Edward and Bella dance to the song Dam Dadi Doo.

"No, I think it's a girl." Emmett waved and the girl/fish waved back. "She wants me like Miley. I'm going to go see her." Emmett jumped in the water.

"No, Emmett. You can't sw-"

"HELP! I'M DROWNING!" Emmett screamed and flailed his arms.

"I would help you, but," Jasper looked back at Edward and Bella who now doing the booty shake. "I'm too emo. And I want to dance!" Jasper ran over and began to do the Electric Slide.

"FINE, JASPER! I'LL JUST !#R!#!FE#R#TR(A/N: Emmett says he loves bunnies) DIE OUT HERE!"

"You can't !#TRQ#R#QRFRTE (A/N: Jasper says flowers are pretty) die, Emmett. You're a #!#R# (A/N: Horses say neigh) vampire!" Jasper replied.

"Come over here, Vampire Boy." The Fish/Woman said.

"Ok." Emmett flailed over to the chick.

"I'm a mermaid. And I love you."

"What the heck is a mermaid?"

"I can tell you in song:

_When the morning come come  
I'm dancing like you're dumb dumb  
And when the groove is high  
when dummies jump to sky_

_if you feel the groove groove  
the dummies have to move move  
can you feel the beat the beat the beat_

_You never tell me what is wrong  
'cause now it's time to be alone  
let me love you everyday  
so long you let the dummies play_"

"That didn't tell me crap." Emmett looked at her confused.

"Oh well, let's party!" The mermaid pulled Emmett underwater and swam him back to the shore, where the Cullens were partying.

"Ummm…who the #!RF#RQEW (A/N: Jasper thinks that Dam Dadi Doo is the best techno dance song EVA) is this?"

"She's a mermaid who loves Dam Dadi Doo and me." Emmett hugged her. "It's true love."

"#!#(A/N: ? (make something up)) YOU!" Rosalie yelled and stormed off.

Five minutes later, Jacob and the wolf pack walked on the beach to find the Cullens partying.

"What the heck is this?" Jacob yelled.

"Umm…I propose a dance off to see who gets the beach!" Edward yelled.

"Umm…this is La Push. It's kind of our home."

"You know what Jacob? #!RF!#EQR# (A/N: Edward says your face)."

Jacob cried.


	33. Webkinz

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight…oh, it's so sad

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight…oh, it's so sad. Or Webkinz…though I do own almost the entire cast of Final Fantasy XII in Webkinz. Or Neopets…I haven't fed my pets in so long, they're really, really mad at me.

Author's Note: My sis is forcing me to listen to 'Swing Life Away' by Rise Against…yeah….

--

"Guys!" Alice shouted as she walked through the door. "Guys!"

"What, Alice?" Edward appeared to see her smiling like a wild woman.

"Look!" She opened the bag she was holding to reveal a bunch of random stuffed animals. She giggled at Edward's expression.

"Ummm…aren't you a little old for stuffed animals?"

"They're not stuffed animals." She laughed and waved her hand. "They're even better. They're Webkinz!" Her smile widened.

"Oh, and that makes them better how?"

"You can go online and play with them."

"Can't you just make a Neopets account? Or better yet, you can use Jasper's and mine. I'm sure my uni (A/N: this species is a unicorn), Avnitia281666 (A/N: This is one of my actually Neopets) and Jasper's shyru (A/N: this species is a dragon); Kennyoil (A/N: my sister's 6th period group neopet) could use some loving. I don't think we've fed them in about six years."

"That's just stupid. Why would I want to play a free online game, when I can pay twenty dollars for a stuffed animal and games for two and half year olds?" Alice spoke as if there wasn't anything to argue.

"Fine, Alice." Edward began to walk away.

"Oh, Edward! I'm naming the panda after you." She lifted the panda from her bag. "Isn't that right, Spedward?" She rubbed noses with the animal. "Oh yeah, Edward! I'm not going to feed you either!"

"Fine, I don't need to eat anyway."

--

Four weeks later, Alice was still obsessed with her Webkinz.

"Jaspy, aren't you just the cutest little emo ever." Alice patted the curly pink poodle she had dubbed, Jasper. "And you too, Emmy." She raised a raccoon she had named Emmett. Next to her 'Emmy', was a gorilla named Rosalie, or as Alice called her, Rosy. Then there was Carlisle the hippo Alice called him, Carly. And finally, the penguin, Esme or Ezzy. Along with Eddy, her panda, they made the cutest group of furry stuffed Cullens ever.

"Alice," Edward began. "Must you give us all cutesy little nicknames. It's so, so unmanly for me, unemo for Jasper and right up Emmett's alley."

"Hey, I just bought a new bulldog and guess what I'm naming him?"

"I don't know or care."

"Ally!" She giggled.

"I thought you said it was a boy?"

"It is. Eddy, Carly, Emmy and Jaspy are my girls and Ezzy, Rosy and now, Ally are boys. I thought it would be a good change seeing how we're going to be stuck in these genders for forever."

"Whatever."

--

Three weeks later, Alice had overthrown the Webkinz Company and now was running the entire operation from their home.

"Guys, we have to stop Alice." Edward was extremely annoyed by her. "I say we nuke the Webkinz factory."

"Ok." Jasper and Emmett nodded.

And then the next day, Edward dropped a nuclear bomb on the Webkinz factory, causing World War III.

And all he could say was oops.

--

Author's Note: This moment is dedicated to briiittx xhc thanks for reviewing! :D


	34. Boy Scouts

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.

Author's Note: Woot! We broke 11,000 hits! THANK YOU! :D

--

Carlisle grumbled as he heard a banging at the front door. He was miserable on this particular day because he had to tell twenty-two people that they had a severe case of acne.

"Edward?" Carlisle called from the living room. "Can you get the door?"

"Why do you tell me to do everything you don't want to?" Edward sighed as he walked past Carlisle.

"Because you're my son and I love you."

"Fine, whatever." Edward reached the door and opened it, revealing a boy who was wearing a blue uniform with patches positioned strategically on the uniform. His buttoned down shirt was tucked into his pleated blue pants, which were held up by a black belt that had some kind of symbol on it. Along with the shirt and pants, he wore a blue hat and a kerchief around his neck.

"Umm…hello, sir." The boy greeted. "Would you like to buy some popcorn to support the Boy Scouts of America?"

As Edward listened to the voice speak, he realized it was-"Jake, what the heck are doing?"

Jake looked up at him. "Selling popcorn, what does it look like?"

"No, why the heck are you dressed so stupid? And why in the world did you come here? We can't eat. Nor do we like you enough to buy your popcorn."

"First, my dad made me become a Boy Scout. And two, I really don't know anyone else outside La Push besides you and Bella. And she's allergic to popcorn."

"Wait. Don't Boy Scouts have like ranks?" Jake nodded. "Out of curiosity, what rank are you?"

"Wolf cub…duh." Jake smacked his own head to show Edward how stupid he was being. "Seriously, you are so stupid, what does Bella see in you?"

"Ummm…apparently more than she sees in you, pup."

"Hey, stop with the puppy cracks. I haven't even called you a parasite today."

"So, are you going to leave or do I have to get Emmett to drag you away?" Edward crossed his arms.

"Please, Edward." Jake fell to his knees and was begging. "You have to buy my popcorn…My dad says I can't sleep in the house tonight if I haven't sold any. And Sam-"

"Sam? What does he have to do with this?"

"He's our pack leader, both in scouts and in wolves. Please, Edward. I'll be eternally grateful, and since we are both going to live for an eternity, that's like forever."

"Jake, that is forever." Jake gave him the puppy eyes and whimpered softly. "Fine, Jake. How much do I owe you?"

"Seven thousand dollars." He replied, still kneeling on the ground.

"WHAT?" Edward was surprised. "I'm only buying one box."

"I know, but prices are rising and inflation sucks, and popcorn is in high demand because of movie theaters. So-"

"Just shut-up and leave." Edward shoved Jake away without paying.

Jake whimpered again. "WHY DO YOU HATE ME?" Jake began to cry like a wolf cub.

"Stop crying, Jake. I think you've cried the last like five times I've seen you. I thought the Boy Scout motto was 'Be prepared.'? You should be prepared for my hatred of you before you arrive."


	35. Kodak Moments

Disclaimer: Do I own Twilight

Disclaimer: Do I own Twilight? That would be a no…

--

"So, guys." Edward addressed Jasper, Emmett, Alice and Rosalie. "What do you want to do today?"

"Ummm…idk." Rosalie replied, as she texted Emmett who was next to her.

"Rosalie, could you stop texting and speaking to me in text and tell me what we should do?"

"Why r u asking me, Ed?" Rosalie looked up at him, while still keeping her text conversation going with Emmett. "Idk, what we do 2day."

"Yesh." Edward sighed.

"Hey," Jasper chimed in. "Why don't we torment the wolf pack?"

"I already refused to buy popcorn from Jacob yesterday…two days in a row would be brutal. Let's do it!" Edward got really excited.

"So, what did you have in mind, Jasper?" Alice asked.

"You know how Indians never want to get their pictures taken because they think it steals their souls, why don't we go over to La Push with some Kodak cameras and take their pictures."

"I like it." Edward smiled and stood. "Come we're off. Rosalie and Emmett are you coming?"

"Hold on, Ed." She looked down at her text. "Lol, sry. G2g. Lil bro is so annoying."

Edward rolled his eyes.

--

With fifty-seven cameras in stow, the group made their way to La Push. The snuck onto the Black's land and climbed up the tree next to Jacob's window.

Edward went first and hopped through the window into Jake's room, followed by Jasper, then Alice, next Rosalie and finally Emmett.

Once everyone was positioned around the room, they all got out their cameras and aimed them at the Jake's sleeping form.

"Ready," Edward looked to make sure every one was in position. "On three. One…two…three!"

They group flashed Jacob with multiple lights, waking him up. He yelled out when saw the lights and then realized they were cameras and freaked out more.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! You're stealing my soul!"

Edward laughed as he took another picture. "Ha, I win again, Jake."

"I know what to do." Jake reached under his bed, using the flashes from the cameras to find his own camera. He pulled it out and aimed it at Edward. He pushed down on the button to take a snap shot. The camera flashed in Edward's eyes.

"Ha, Jake. I have no soul! You lose!"

"Darn it." Jacob threw the covers over his head and prayed silently that they hadn't taken all of his soul. No way he'd want to be like Mr. Soulless just outside his covers. "I still hate you all!"

--

Author's Note: Ok, I'm going to answer a few quick questions.

One, I actually love Jake, he's so adorable. I torment him out of love. (And because my sister hates him. We're a nice balance.)

Two, we find the inspiration for most of these moments from things that have actually happened to us, or just random stuff in our lives. Ex. Super Emmett is derived from our stepbrother, Super Ethan. Also talking to Erica, our five-year-old cousin, and seeing what her opinions are on Twilight. (By the way, she wants to come see the movie with us and she asked specifically to cover her eyes when Jake comes on the screen. She does not like him at all, even though she's never read the book.).

Three, wolf cub is an actual rank of Boy Scouting. Apparently, Ethan is a wolf cub and he decided he was going to howl at us all through out dinner.

Anyway, hoped that answered something. Gosh, that was long.


	36. Wheel of Fortune

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, but it would awesome if I did wouldn't it…I can only hope

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, but it would awesome if I did wouldn't it…I can only hope. Oh yeah, no Pocketful of Sunshine by Natasha Bedingfield or Wheel of Fortune or Candide by Voltaire.

--

_I got a pocket, I got a pocketful sunshine _

_I got a love and I know that's it's all mine…_

Alice's ring tone was blasting throughout the Cullen household. She answered politely. "Hello…this is her…. I did seriously…I wouldn't have ever guessed! Thank you…goodbye." She closed her phone terminating the conversation.

"Hey, Bella." Alice ran over to tell Bella the news she had known for the past three days, but the event had just happened five seconds ago.

"Alice?"

"I had a vision that I was going to be picked to be on 'Wheel of Fortune' and I was right!" She grinned wildly.

"Alice, your visions are always right, so why are you so excited?"

"Pretend to be excited, Bella or I will bite you." Alice growled.

"Fine, then I'm not excited in the least. Bite me, Alice." Bella crossed her arms and began to stare down Alice.

"I was just kidding, Bella." Alice backed off.

"You were seriously. Aww…I really want to be a vampire, and I'll take any invitation I get." Bella pouted.

"I know. Bring Jasper to the quote unquote 'Magical Land of Vampires' Emmett found, then he'll bite you for sure."

"You mean the Blood Bank, right?" Alice nodded. "Oh, Jasper!" Bella shouted. "I have a magically place we can go!" Bella ran off.

--

Four days later, Alice arrived on the set of The Wheel of Fortune. She squealed with joy as they took her to her make-up done. Usually she was doing Bella's make-up, this was going to be a change.

"Wow, do you now how completely gorgeous you are?" The woman who was doing her make-up asked.

"Yes, I do!" Alice said happily. This made the woman incredibly jealous of the girl who didn't look older than eighteen.

And so, she did Alice's make-up so hideously that she was almost ugly. Almost ugly, because still Alice was completely stunning, even with lipstick down her cheeks, mascara in her hair, and thick lime green eye shadow (that was actually paint).

"Thank you." Alice said as she left.

Five minutes later the game began. The first contestant spun the wheel; bankruptcy. And so, the next contestant spun. Again the person got nothing on the board. And finally it was Alice's turn. She spun the wheel. "I'm going to land on 1,500." She said with a smile.

"We'll see." The host said. But he didn't know is that with Alice's strength the wheel was going to spinning for quite awhile.

--

Seven hours later, the wheel slowed down and stopped on 1,500.

"I see you were right. Now have you decided a letter?"

"Ummm…can I solve the puzzle? Can I have the theme again?"

The host looked confused. "There's nothing on the board, but alright. And of course, the theme is famous lines from Candide."

"The answer is _If this is the best of all possible worlds, what are the others?_. I'm right, aren't I?" The host nodded; stunned that she got the answer so fast. Alice smiled.

After Alice foresaw the rest of the answers to all the puzzles, it was clear she was the winner. The other two contestants hadn't even had a chance to answer one thing before Alice got the answer.

She was now on the final challenge, which she already knew that her mystery prize would be a trip to Hawaii, and the answer was _Carlisle is a sexy doctor._ She found it weird that her father type figure had made it into the final challenge, but whatever.

"Are you ready?" The host asked.

"Carlisle is a sexy doctor." She said.

"We haven't even started the clock yet!" He complained.

"I right, aren't I?"

"Yes! I'm going to Hawaii."

"Hawaii." Both host and Alice said at the same time.

"Congratulations on winning a game show before we have even shown the first set of credits. Now what the heck do we do? We've got twenty-five minutes to waste!" The host yelled.

"Let's dance!" Alice yelled.

"Ok." And so they danced.


	37. Hershey Park

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. Or Hershey Park.

Author's Note: It's 1:17 AM and I'm listening to a song called 'I do Both Jay & Jane', I'm so hyper!

--

"So, what are we doing today?" Edward addressed the group. They all were trying to ignore him, but Edward was being extra persistent. "Guys, come on."

"Fine, what do you want to do?" Rosalie finally asked.

"I was thinking we could go to Hershey Park or something."

"It's that on the opposite coast?" Jasper looked confused.

"Yeah, but it would only take like ten seconds to run there." Edward responded.

Alice smiled. "I like it. Let's go!" She giggled. "And let's invite the wolf pack along too."

"That's an awesome idea, Alice." Edward beamed. "We can torment them all day!"

--

Five hours later, the car was packed full of werewolves and the stuff the Cullens needed. The Cullen children stood on the doorstep saying goodbye to Carlisle and Esme.

"Goodbye, Mommy and Daddy." Emmett said as he hugged both of them tightly. "I love you and I will miss you very, very much."

"You're only going to be gone for about eight hours, Emmett. You'll be fine." Esme hugged back.

"So, what are you to going to do while we're gone?" Alice questioned.

Esme looked over to Carlisle. "We are going to make some newborns. Right, dear?" Carlisle nodded.

"So you are going to go bite people?" Alice looked at her sort of parents.

"Yup." Esme waved. "Bye, Kids. Have fun." She smiled.

--

After a quick car ride, they finally reached Hershey Park.

"Yay!" Jacob yelled from under Emmett.

"Shut-up, Jake." Edward snapped. Jake's lip quivered and he sunk down under Emmett farther.

The group walked into the park together, holding hands, so that no one got lost. Esme told her children they had to or else they would grounded until the next century. And so, the werewolves and the vampires were skipping through the park.

"Must we skip?" Edward asked, extremely annoyed.

"Yes, Edward." Alice said with a large grin. "We all need to be happy and skipping is so happy!" She started to swing the two hands she held, which were Sam's and Paul's. She giggled childishly.

Edward sighed and kept walking, or he tried to walk. Jacob, who was holding his right hand firmly, and trying to skip with the rest of the group, kept messing up his stride. Edward tugged on Jake's hand, and started to drag him.

"Hey, let's go on that!" Jasper said as he pointed to a rollercoaster, which was named Great Bear.

"It's looks scary." Emmett cringed behind Leah. "Protect me." He commanded her.

"Oh, Emmett, it's not that scary." Rosalie said, clearly embarrassed by her husband. "Look, there's a boy who looks like he's four going on it." She motioned with her hand that was holding Paul's other hand, the one Alice wasn't holding.

"He's a scary four-year-old." Emmett was now using Leah as a werewolf meat shield to protect him from the sight of the coaster.

"Emmett…" Rosalie gritted her teeth.

"Ok, let's go." Edward attempted to stop a fight before it erupted. The group agreed, except for Emmett, who was still holding on to Leah for dear eternity. Everyone decided to leave them both. Leah wanted to complain that she was being left with the baby, but she decided for once to keep her mouth shut.

They got to the entrance, when they were stopped. "I'm sorry, but I think you are too tall." The ride attendant pointed to the group of werewolves. Edward smiled at the problem.

So, only in the end, only Jasper, Alice, Edward, and Rosalie went up to the coaster, but once they sat down in their seats, the entire train sunk about fourteen feet.

"I'm sorry, but you are all too heavy. You're going to have to leave this ride." Edward grumbled.

"Oh well." Alice said and shrugged.

"So, what do we do now?" Jasper asked.

The ride attendant responded. "You can ride on the kiddie rides. Like the little tots train, and the bumblebee ride."

"Oooo…"Alice was excited.

And for the next couple hours, the werewolves and vampires spent their time on all of the kiddie rides. Emmett was very happy. He said the bumblebees weren't as scary as they looked.

--

Author's Note: There are signs all over saying that those with high height or are too heavy cannot ride. And since the werewolves are huge and the vampires weigh like a ton of bricks, I think they wouldn't be able to ride.


	38. Expanded Wolf

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, not in the least

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, not in the least.

--

Edward was lying out in the sun shimmering next to Bella. She was smiling and hugging his torso as securely as she could. It had been a perfect day. Everything was right, and nothing could go wrong. That was until…

A russet colored wolf came running into the yard where Bella and Edward were laying. The wolf growled at the sight.

"What do you want?" Edward asked, as he attempted to stare down Jake.

He growled in response. _I just came to see if you wanted to buy some popcorn, but I see you're busy._

"I can't buy popcorn from a wolf. That's just weird." Bella laughed and pulled closer into Edward.

_Fine._ Jake transformed back into his human self, his naked human self, before the two-some.

"Ahhh!" Edward yelled, while letting go of Bella so he could cover his eyes. "It burns."

Bella on the other hand wasn't just looking; she was almost drooling as she stared at his chiseled abs.

"Bella, don't look!" Edward covered her eyes. "Jake, go get some clothing, please."

Jacob snorted and crossed his arms. "Fine." He replied annoyed and left to go dress himself.

"That may have been the scariest thing I have ever experienced in my entire afterlife." Edward shuttered. "Those werewolves seriously need to come up with some expandable clothing or something."

The two heard a giggled and then a small pixie girl appeared. "That's a great idea, Edward!" Alice danced around them.

"What?"

"Let's make some expandable clothing for the werewolves, so they aren't naked constantly." Alice jumped up with joy. "I'll design it…and Edward, you, Jasper, and Rosalie can model it. And Bella, you and Emmett can be in charge of advertising and sales. Oooo…I'm so excited." And with that said, Alice scurried off into the house.

--

One week later, the entire Cullen family and Bella were surrounding the T.V. screen to see the world premier of their infomercial for their brand name clothing line; Expanded Wolf.

"Ooo…" Alice was bouncing next to Jasper. "I'm so excited."

"Hush." Esme spoke. "It's starting."

"Hi, I'm Alice Cullen." She waved and smiled widely. "And this is my little brother, Edward."

"Howdy." He saluted.

"We're here to tell you able our new clothing line; Expanded Wolf." Alice motioned to a rack full of clothing. "And now, you might be saying, 'Hmmm…expanded wolf, why would I want that?' Right, Edward."

He looked over to her, and gave her a thumbs up. "Right, Al."

"Well, Edward. Why don't you tell people why they need to buy?"

"Has this ever happened to you." Edward pointed at the screen. "You are sitting all nice and peaceful with your girlfriend and suddenly a werewolf appears."

"Oh, sounds kind of scary." Alice mocked some facial expression that could be considered fright.

"Yeah…And then you somehow make the werewolf mad, by telling him you are going to bite the girl he loves and turn her into a bloodsucking monster. Just an FYI, apparently that makes some people a tiny bit angry." Edward pinched his fingers together to represent tiny.

"That would make me a bit irritated." Alice said with a good-hearted smile.

"Whatever, Alice. Stop interrupting me." She looked down sadly. "So, you finally calm the beast down enough, and he changes back into a human. But low and behold, he is butt-naked. I tell you from experience it is an unpleasant sight."

"And that's where this clothing line comes in. For all those butt-naked werewolves out there, who can't seem to keep a pair of pants intact." Alice grabbed a pair of pants from the rack. "These pants are super stretchy and flexible. They mold to any body type and are perfect for the werewolf in your life. Let's see some of our models."

Out walked Rosalie and Jasper, wearing a complete Expanded Wolf outfit each. Rosalie modeled like she had done it her whole entire existence. While Jasper looked as if he was reenacting an army training regiment.

"See look at how they mold so nicely around the hips and thigh area." Alice rubbed her hand up and down Jasper. "And once the werewolf expands, so do the outfits." It then showed a clip of a pair of pants being stretched to incredible lengths.

"Edward." Alice went back to him. "He is also wearing one of our styles." He smiled and twitched. "Let's hear some customer testimonies."

The screen flipped to Jacob sitting in the Cullen living room. "Why the heck do I have to do this? These pants are so uncomfortable. I think they are giving me a wedgie." He began to fidget.

"Jake." Bella voice was heard, but her face was no seen. "Read the card."

Jacob looked at the screen and read the card with little to no emotion. "These are the best pants ever." He mouthed out quickly; 'Cullens suck.'.

The picture changed then to Emily sitting with Sam. They both were smiling awkwardly. Emily looked at Sam. "I bought my husband, Sam, these pants for Christmas. So he's not so naked all the time."

"And I love them…Kiss Emily." His eyes narrowed. "Oh, right." He leaned over and kissed her.

The screen cut back to Alice and Edward. "So you see these garments are really a sensational hit. They durable and very flattering, it's the perfect present for many mutant wolf/human on your holiday list. Our operators are standing by."

Once more the screen changed picture to show Emmett and Bella sitting in a room together with headsets on and about twelve phones lined up.

Emmett waved and mouthed out, 'Hi, Mom'. Bella just smiled and looked around, with an expression that only said, 'Oh god, get me the heck out of here.'.

Alice appeared again with Edward. "Just remember a naked werewolf is disgusting sight. So let's clean them up and make them dang stylish along the way." Alice flashed her smile and gave two big thumbs up. Edward followed her motion and the screen gently faded to black.

--

Author's Note: This was inspired by the fact, my sister says she's read a couple fanfictions where the people forget that the werewolves are naked after they change back to human. She said in some stories, they change and then just keep talking. Ummm…That's kind of awkward, if you ask me, but whatever.


	39. My Isabella

Disclaimer: No Twilight or the song 'Umbrella' by Rihanna

Disclaimer: No Twilight or the song 'Umbrella' by Rihanna.

Author's Note: Thanks so much for all the reviews! Woot! Broke 200! Yay!

--

"Hey, Bella!" Edward grabbed her around the waist.

"Yes, Edward." She tried to pull him off, but she was failing.

"You know how I wrote a song about kissing Jake?"

"How could I forget that?" She shook her head. "It was quite possibly one of the most disturbing things I've ever heard. And when I confronted Jacob about it, all he could say was 'what happens in the wolf pack, stays in the wolf pack?'. This confused me, because you're not in wolf pack or are you?" Her face scrunched.

"Only on Wednesdays."

"Oh." She laughed. "Ok, you were saying?"

"Well, I just wrote a song like that for you. Do you want to hear it?" His eyes met his.

"Of course."

"Ok, so it goes like this:

(To the song 'Umbrella' by Rihanna)

_When the sun shines, we'll shimmer together_

'_Cause we'll be here forever_

_I will always be your friend_

_Even though I might kill Jacob in the end_

_Now I'm hunting more than ever_

_We can't live without each other_

_You know you can be Isabella_

_You could be my Isabella_

_Ella, ella, eh, eh, eh_

_My Isabella _

_Ella, ella, eh, eh, eh_

_My Isabella _

_Ella, ella, eh, eh, eh_

_My Isabella _

_Ella, ella, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh_"

He gazed at her. "Did you like it?"

Bella wiped away some of the tears in her eyes. "You wrote a song parody for me? Aww…how creative you are just changing a couple lyrics to make it personal." She smiled. "I love it."

"Well, actually…" He scratched the back of his neck. "Carlisle actually wrote the parody…He loves you, Bella….A lot more than I do."

"Huh? Carlisle?" Bella was going to say more she was stopped by some singing.

"_You could be my Isabella!_" She turned to see Carlisle running at her, his arms wide open as if he wanted a hug.

"I'm so confused!" Bella looked around, Edward had let of her when he confessed that Carlisle loved her more. She decided she needed to leave, but before she got to her truck, someone was standing in front of the driver's side door.

"No, Bella." Emmett pushed her backwards; she fell to the ground, hurting her rump. "Carlisle nor Edward wrote that song. I did!" He leaned down to kiss her. She tried to slap him, but only managed to force her wrist backwards, breaking it for sure.

"Ahh!" She screamed in both pain and shock. _Holy crap! Emmett loves me! This is a nightmare! _

She decided that maybe she could enlist Alice or Esme to help her fight off the vampire lovers. She knew Rosalie wouldn't help, she never helped, she only gazed at her beauty.

"Alice!" Bella yelled, pulling the front door as Edward, Carlisle, and Emmett were closing in on her. "Alice, please! They're all in love with me!"

The door finally opened. "Oh, thank you, Ali-" She was cutoff by lips being forcefully pushed to hers. Bella gasped and tried to fight them off, but whoever it was they were strong. She was able to glance up and see a strip of blonde hair. _Ok, either Rosalie loves me too or this is Jasper. OH MY GOD! I'M BEING KISSED MY JASPER!_

She pushed on his chest to break away. "Jasper, please stop kissing me, it's weird beyond belief. Though quite refreshing…" She meant to think the last part, but it came out.

He pulled back. "Oh, Bella. I've loved you ever since I wanted to drink your blood. I wanted to murder out of affection." He went in to for another kissed, but before he reached Emmett threw him back.

"Please, Jasper. Leave the lovely lady along. She already knows she wants the E-Man."

"E-Man?" Bella raised an eyebrow.

"Bella…" He smiled and walked closer. Bella retreated back towards the stairs.

"No," Emmett was thrown over by Jasper. "She's my fiancée." Edward said, he walked forward, but was thrown with the rest of them by Carlisle.

"Ha ha! Sons. You all suck! I win!" Carlisle did a victory dance.

"Alice! Carlisle is dancing!" Bella screamed, knowing very well Carlisle can't dance.

"OH MY GOD! NOT AGAIN!" Alice came flying down stairs. "What did I tell you all about reading my mystic book?" Her face was covered with anger.

The guys replied in unison. "Magic is for people who are cool. And we are not cool, not in the least."

"Thank you." She crossed her arms. "Now, what spell did you guys use?"

"The love Bella Swan spell." Emmett replied.

Alice sighed. "Bella, to break the spell you are going to need to make out with Jake in front of them."

"Why Jake?"

"'Cause he we kidnapped him and he lives in our closet now for times such as this." Alice opened to closet door to reveal Jacob on a leash. "Good boy." Alice petted him.

--

Author's Note: I just wrote this chapter as it came to me. Anyway, I saw Erica again today, and we were playing with a chessboard. My sister had all the white pieces (the Cullens) and I had all the brown pieces (the wolf pack). We were trying to steal pieces from one another, it ended when we lost Edward and my sister freaked. Erica also told us her reasoning for hating Jacob… "He is stupid and a werewolf."…direct quote.

Oh yeah, has anyone else here read the first chapter of _Midnight Sun_, it's kind of weird…it's on Stephenie Meyer's website. Just wanted to know.


	40. CAV

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight…D:

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight…D: Or Rock Band, American Idol or Guitar Hero. Or the song 'Why Can't I?'. Or 'Through the Fire and Flames.' Or 'I Just Can't Wait to be King' or 'The Alphabet Song' or 'Row, Row, Row Your Boat'.

Author's Note: I'm totally rocking out to 'Paperthin Hymn' and 'Foreign Languages' by Anberlin right now. It's very cool.

--

Edward was stroking the keys on the family piano gently, playing a tune that he and Bella knew well, her lullaby. Humming softly as he played the melody he allowed himself to be trapped the sound around him. He swayed and closed his, he didn't need to see the piano to play this song; he wrote it and it was forever instilled in his memory.

Edward had found peace; it was probably the most calming and wonderful thing. He imagined Bella being with him, her long dark hair falling to either side of her face like a cascading waterfall. _Bella, you are so beaut-_

His thoughts were halted by a voice he had prayed he wouldn't have had to hear that day. "EDWARD!" Emmett screamed his ear. "EDWARD! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

"What does it look like?" He motioned to the keys on the piano.

"It looks like you are practicing for the band you know we are starting because you already read my mind."

Edward shook his head. "One, you mind is so boring I don't even bother reading it anymore or at least I try not to. Two, who decided we are starting a band?"

"Umm…everyone, except for you of course. We already assigned instruments. Plus we have a fangirl already."

"Who would want to be fangirl to your band?" Edward looked confused.

"Bella…duh!" Emmett smacked his head with his hand. "You are such a dunce, Edward."

"Ok, whatever." He rolled his eyes. "What am I playing?"

"The piano, dunce."

"And you?"

"I will using my awesome drumming skills. And just so you don't have to ask. Alice is going to be a back-up singer, as while as the bass guitar. Jasper has the electric guitar. And my gorgeous wife, Rosy, will the lead singer, of course."

Edward shook his head upwards slightly. "Right…so I'm afraid to ask, but does this band have a name?" Edward winced, readying himself for a title such as 'Spedward and the Legion of Vampires' or something else stupid.

"Well…we wanted something that said something about us subtly, so we decided on 'Cullens are Vampires'." Edward smacked his forehead.

"Oh, no one will know we're vampires now." Edward's voice dripping with sarcasm; the kind of sarcasm that went right over Emmett's head.

"Yeah, right. But Jasper thought it would be a good idea to shorten the name. So our band name is 'C.A.V.'."

"CAV?"

"Yup. We have our first gig on Saturday, be ready."

"Wait!" Edward reached for Emmett. "I haven't even played with you guys yet!"

"Oh, you'll be fine." Emmett left the room.

Edward sighed and fell face first into the keyboard with a loud mess of random noise.

--

Saturday came far too fast for Edward, they were now standing on stage, light blazing into their retinas. Edward held an arm up to block the oncoming lighting as he sat at his piano bench waiting for the cue from Emmett. They hadn't even practiced once as a complete band, this made Edward uneasy for the fact, no one, but him actually played anything.

"WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Bella yelled from the crowd, while holding a sign that read 'Piano boys are awesome boys!' and the back it said 'I heart the pianist!'. And, though Bella didn't know, on the back in smaller print it also read 'Jasper is one sexy beast.', written by Emmett.

"Ok, everyone!" Emmett said and the rest of the band arrived. Alice was holding a Guitar Hero guitar, as was Jasper. Rosalie held a microphone from the American Idol karaoke game we have at home. And Emmett had the Rock Band drum set.

"Ready!" Emmett yelled, he readied himself.

"WAIT a second!" Edward shouted over him. "None of you can actually play instruments!"

"Yeah, but Alice and Jasper are kick butt awesome at Guitar Hero, Rosalie has 97 perfect on the song 'Why Can't I?'(A/N: the first time I played I got that), and I'm super AMAZING at the drums on Rock Band. So we'll be fine." Emmett waved Edward off.

"We don't even know the same song." Edward said, monotone.

"Fine, what songs do you guys know?"

"Alice and I know 'Through the Fire and Flames'." Jasper responded. Alice nodded.

"I know Bella's lullaby." Edward spoke.

"I know 'Why Can't I?'." Rosalie smiled.

Emmett looked around, finally realizing he was an idiot. "I know…let's sing-"

--

Five minutes later the concert began…

_"Row, row, row your boat_

_gently down the stream_

_merrily, merrily, merrily_

_life is but a dream" _Edward growled the words out and on the second line Jasper started, then Alice, Emmett and then Rosalie.

After about ten minutes of that round, Emmett walked up to the microphone. "And now for the alphabet song." Edward roared. "Or 'I Just Can't Wait to be King', whatever floats your boat Edward." Emmett shrugged.

--

Author's Note: So, how's life? I've got nothing…I'm going to bed…Nighty, Night.


	41. Star Wars

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or Star Wars

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or Star Wars.

--

The Cullen family stared intently at the T.V. screen as the Jedis fought valiantly across their line of vision. The groups had sat and watched the first five movies already and were now enjoying the sixth movie.

Edward had thought it a bad idea to let Emmett see Star Wars, because he might think he's a jedi or something and try to takeover the world. But luckily, Emmett was watching the movie like a wide-eyed child, instead of overthrowing the world's government.

The movie finally concluded and it was 2:51AM, leaving the Cullens about three hours before they had to be ready for school or work, so they decided to talk about the movie.

"OH MY GOD!" Rosalie nearly yelled. "Anakin, was so hott, especially when he was on fire."

"Yeah, most people are hot when they are burning to death in lava." Edward remarked.

"So, what did everyone think?" Alice asked.

"The wars were highly fabricated to today's society. They were wusses." Jasper commented. "If I were there, I would have made them Jedis cry by using my super awesomeness."

"Right, Jasper." Alice patted his shoulder. "Anyone else?"

Emmett, who was still sitting, bounced up and down with his hand waving in the air, like a fifth grader who really wants to answer, but their teacher is being a pain in the butt and refuses to call on them just for spite.

"Ummm…" Alice looked around pretending to ignore Emmett. "Emmett." She pointed.

"YOU'RE A JEDI!" He screeched.

"What?"

"YOU'RE A JEDI! You, Edward, and Jasper, you guys have jedi mind powers!" Emmett began jumping on the chair pointing at them.

Bella appeared from out of nowhere and smacked Edward across the face, hurting her hand in the process. "Hey, what was that for? And how did you get here?"

"Because you're a Jedi and you didn't tell me. Plus I'm with the Empire, they give out free pens." She smiled and held up a pen that read, 'We overthrow your government, because we care'. "And I got here by…" She looked around. "I have no idea. It's like someone just wrote that I was here."

Bella and Edward both rose and eyebrow and looked up to the sky in question.

"I still don't get how we're Jedis." Alice said with her hands on her hips.

"Easy," Emmett began. "Edward you read people's minds. Alice you can see the future. And Jasper you're like LSD, you make people feel so good…"

"Huh?" Jasper looked just as confused as Edward and Bella who weren't paying attention as they kept their pose looking towards the sky.

"OH MY GOD! YOU'RE ALL DARK JEDIS! I MUST PROTECT BELLA AND ROSALIE!" Emmett ran over and grabbed Bella and Rosalie. He threw a white sheet over both of them. "Ok, now they don't know you're here. I shall fight them! Ha-zah!"

He let out a battle cry and pounced on the 'Dark Jedis' before him.

--

Five minutes later, Emmett was hog tied and shut up in the closet right next to Jacob

--

Author's Note: Yay Star Wars! I come from a hugely Star Wars nerdy family. And yes, I'm a Star Wars nerd, not as bad as my dad and brother, but pretty bad.


	42. Bathroom Break

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.

Author's Note: Happy Month Anniversary of this story! Are you as excited as me? And so I've decided to celebrate by writing the best of both worlds. One super short moment and one longer one, aren't you so happy?

--

"I need to go the bathroom." Emmett complained.

"How is that possible?" Edward asked, giving him an expression that he had been giving him so much as of the past month.

"It's not." He looked down. "But I wish I could."

"You could always try."

Emmett smiled. "Ok, I will." He sprinted into the bathroom.

--

Emmett returned.

"So, did you go?" Edward asked uninterested.

"No, but I did meet a hobo!" He pulled a dirty man out from behind him. "We're best friends."

And so, Emmett skipped away with his new best friend and they lived happily ever after.

--

Author's Note: Yay short! Oh yeah, these two chapters are dedicated to the people who started reading this from the beginning (or close to it) and keep coming back (or are just constantly reviewing). They are: PeaceLoveJonas7894, your-brown-eyed-angel, Aye Chihuahua, Aiedail01, Musically Twilight, TeamJasper219, ThatLittleVampireGirl, Geeky13, RosalieandEmmett, DamnThoseDazzlingCullens, briiittx xhc, bella3590, MadMoosey21, AznSerenity, Ragh Aku, TwilightObsessedMell, pearberry14, Jessi-Twilight-Lover, wherthewild1s-trulyare, somerandomTwilightfan, BadAtPuppyDogEyes, moon.cherry.twilite, Captain Kris, EdwardAddict15, stare at string, TeamVampire, 21Skadoosh, bellacullen54, RiverofWind (I think that's pretty much everyone who has reviewed lately or reviews on regular basis. I'm SUPER sorry if I forgot anyone. I really didn't notice how many different people review this.)

Thank you so much all of you! We appreciate it greatly! :D


	43. LARPing

Disclaimer: I still don't Twilight…why cruel world

Disclaimer: I still don't Twilight…why cruel world? Why? XD Or LARPing.

Author's Note: This part 2 of my anniversary present. It's the longer moment.

--

"Guys!" Emmett yelled as he ran through the Cullen mansion. "Guys!"

"What, Emmy Baby?" Rosalie appeared in front of him. Smiling a very sexual smile, as if she was hinting something. To most they would think she was hinting some kind of romantic moment with her husband, but to Emmett it looked like she wanted a ham sandwich.

"Umm…Rose. Why do you want a sandwich?" He scrunched his face at her strange facial expression, trying to make a heads or tails of it, but somehow, he was getting torso of it. Which didn't make sense to anyone, but Emmett.

"I don't want a sandwich." She growled. "What? Do you think I'm fat?" Emmett went to speak, but paused. "Oh, I saw you think that fat joke. Don't deny it!" She slapped him.

_Dang, how does she always know?_ "No, Rose. I just thought you wanted a sandwich because you were making your sandwich face."

"Emmett, we don't eat." She crossed her arms.

"Oh, I forgot that."

"So, did you come here to insult my weight or to tell me you came up with an idiotic idea for us all to do for the next couple hours?" She tilted her head.

"Yup! Let's get everyone!" Emmett ran around and in three seconds flat all the Cullen children plus Bella were present and lined up. "GUYS! LET'S GO LARPING!"

"Larping?" Edward asked disgusted already.

"Live action role-playing! It's so much fun!" Emmett bounced. "I already figured out who could be what in our clan!" He smiled.

"Emmett," Edward started. "How is it physically possible that you came up with an even stupider idea than yesterday?"

"My ideas aren't stupid, Edward. You just don't have the brain capacity to understand." Emmett replied annoyed. Bella laughed, causing Edward to glare at her and she shut up.

"So, Emmett. What did you have in mind for us?" Bella asked through her half-giggles.

"Bella, my love, you will be Pat, Queen of the Secret Underground People."

"Umm…Emmett, if they're a secret how do you know about them?"

"Internet." He answered in a monotone voice. "Anyway, Rosalie you will be Sawyer, The Lovely Maiden of the East." He bent down on one knee and kissed her hand.

"Thanks, hun." She smiled.

"Edward, you are Pike, Servant to the Maiden of the East." Edward moaned, how did he get all the stupid jobs. "And Jasper, you shall be Wind, God of Pinecones."

"Pinecones?"

"Yes, don't fight it! It's in your blood!" Emmett danced around Jasper.

"I don't have blood." He gave Alice a confused look. She laughed.

"And who am I, Emmett?" Alice motioned to herself.

"Shea, Chick Married to the God of Pinecones." Alice looked at Jasper, who shrugged. "And I'm Emmett, Overlord of Earth."

"Wait!" Edward/Pike, Servant to the Maiden of the East, nearly yelled. "If you are overlord of the world I'm going to Mars. Who's with me?" Jasper raised his hand and made his way over to Edward.

Bella looked torn between Emmett and his LARPing or the love of her life. She looked back and forth, knowing that if she left Emmett she would lose her title. Reluctantly, she went over to Edward.

"Thank you, Bella." Edward whispered in her ear.

"Call me Pat, please." She said quietly.

"Ok, Pat." He leaned over and kissed her.

--

And that was how Pat, Pike and Wind ended up on Mars and created their own government, which lead to life on Mars.

Some oversized wolves eventually overtook Earth; with the one they call only 'J' at the top. After coming out of the closet, he lost the –acob of his name, and thus is only known as 'J'.

Overlord Emmett, was sent away to the magically vampire land, and a new era began.

--

Author's Note: I actually looked up proper LARPer names for the characters. Yeah…

Oh yeah, I'm going to be gone for a few days, so I won't be able to update. Sorry. :(


	44. Agreement

Disclaimer: I

Disclaimer: Thou does not owneth thy book Twilight.

Author's Note: We're back (again!). Yay! So, yeah, just in case you're wondering where we were, do you remember when the werewolves and vampires went to Hershey Park? Hmm…where did we go? XD

--

BACK IN THE TIME OF JACOB'S GREAT-GRANDFATHER

The current wolf pack at the time stood at the line that was soon going to be drawn as the treaty line. They waited patiently for the vampire's leader, Carlisle, to finish signing the agreement.

The agreement read that as long as the vampires didn't bite any human and stayed on their side of the line, off of La Push, there would be no war.

"Ok, then." Ephraim Black said as he took the treaty back, glancing over it quickly. "Now let's set the boundaries. Umm…we get all of La Push."

"So, that tiny strip of land with a row of huts and a beach." Carlisle said trying to understand the agreement.

"Correct. And you guys can have the rest of the world. Just stay away from our strip." Ephraim and Carlisle shook hands. "Nice doing business with you."

"You too." Carlisle turned around to leave with his family.

"Oh yeah!" Levi Uley jumped excitedly. "We totally got the rainy beaches of Washington! And that pitifully small strip of land our broken down homes are built on! This is AWESOME!" Uley and Black high fived. "Oh yeah, take that bloodsuckers! Ha ha!"

--

"Ummm…Carlisle, they do realize they just shafted themselves, right?" Edward asked, completely confused by the werewolves' decision to give them the entire world as their boundary, minus a tiny piece of land no one cared about.

"Just keep walking, Edward…before they notice." The Cullens picked up the pace to escape the werewolves before they realized what they did.

--

Author's Note: My sister and I were discussing this. Why the heck did the werewolves shaft themselves by giving themselves only that little strip to never leave?

Why can random people from Forks high school throw parties on the La Push beaches, but not invite anyone that actually live there? And why does Bella have no idea who Sam is in New Moon, she totally met him before. And why doesn't anyone from Forks High School remember Jacob when he comes to their school in Eclipse? It's La Push it's own world or something? These are the questions….


	45. Cedric Diggory

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. Or Harry Potter Or Shark Boy and Lava Girl…

Author's Note: We broke 300 reviews! THANK YOU x 100000000000000000000000!

--

"OH MY GOD, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S REALLY HIM!" A crazied fan girl screamed from outside the Cullen home.

"I know! Who would have thought he'd live so close!" Another girl giggled.

Bella pushed her way through the crowd trying to get to the house, so she could make-out with Edward.

"Excuse me…"She pushed passed a girl, who grabbed her shoulder.

"Oh no, you can't cut to see Cedric Diggory! Back of the line!" The girls began to throw Bella back to the end of the line.

"Cedric? Who the heck is that? I'm here to see my boyfriend, Edward."

"Sure you are." The fan girls laughed as they threw her to the ground. Bella curled up in a ball and began to cry.

Four minutes later, the door of the Cullen home opened and Edward exited.

"CEDRIC! WE KNEW YOU WE'REN'T DEAD! WE LOVE YOU!" The girls screamed.

"Umm…thanks…have any of you seen my girlfriend, Bella?" He looked around for her, but was failing.

"Edward!" Bella screamed, but Emmett who was next to her out screamed her.

"OH MY GOD, BELLA! DID YOU KNOW CEDRIC LIVES HERE?" Emmett smiled hugely.

"Emmett, you live here! And that's not "Cedric", it's Edward!" Bella was getting horribly frustrated.

"No, that's totally Cedric. I think I'd know Edward better than you."

"Emmett," Edward used his magic wand to blow a path for himself. "Where's Bella?"

"Oh, Edward it's you! You'd never believe who I saw today?" Emmett was extremely excited.

"I sure hope it was Bella…."

"Cedric Diggory!" His voice a girlish shrill.

Edward wasn't paying attention; he was too busy cleaning his wand. "Oh right, sorry, you'd never imagine how hard it is to get Voldemolt magic off of your wand. Oh yeah, where's Bella?"

"Under the crowd of people." Emmett pointed to a trampled Bella.

"Crap…I have an idea!" Edward ran up the stairs and stood on his front porch. "EVERYONE LOOK SHARKBOY!" He pointed to Jake, who happened to be happily skipping down the street.

"GET HIM!" The girls shrieked.

"FINALLY! GIRLS LIKE ME!" Jacob celebrated.

--

Author's Note: This is a result of my sister and I watching Harry Potter. She cried when Cedric died…


	46. Vampire Musical

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. Or the Lion King. Or the song "You're Beautiful" or "The Monster Mash". Or Wander from the Host. Or Stephanie Meyer….

--

Edward shifted uncomfortably in the cushioned seat he was sitting in because of Alice's random obsession with musicals. She forced the entire family to come see the Lion King on Broadway. And to Edward, it was the most painful thing he'd ever had to sit through.

The show concluded and both Carlisle and Alice were excited. "OH MY GOD! That was amazing!" Alice said as she danced around her family.

"You're right, Alice." Carlisle started. "Musicals are awesome. Let's write one!"

She nodded and smiled widely.

_Oh god. No._ Was the only thought that passed through Edward's head.

--

Two weeks later the Cullen musical, '_I'm a Vampire. Yippee Skippy.',_ premiered.

Carlisle walked out on stage and began his song.

"_I'm in London_

_Yes, lovely London_

_Holy Crap,"_ He pointed across the stage to a group of people with super pale make-up.

"_It's a group of vampires!_

_Ahhh…they're attacking me!"_ Carlisle was chased around the stage and then bit by one of vampires and left lying on the stage.

_"I feel strange…_

_Different than before_

_I want blood _

_And I want it now!_

_Holy crap, I'm a vampire!"_ He held his last note for six straight hours before continuing to the next scene.

--

Carlisle mopped about the stage singing yet another solo.

"_Lonely, I'm so lonely._

_Incredibly lonely_

_Would you believe I'm lonely_

_But I'm a doctor, so I'll make friends"_

--

The scene changed to Carlisle in his doctor coat and checking patients with the Spanish flu, when he feels the urge to sing a song to a seventeen-year-old boy.

(to the song, "You're Beautiful" by James Blunt)

"_You're beautiful_

_You're beautiful_

_So true_

_I saw your face in a dying in place _

_And there was nothing I could do_

_Then I realized you could be a vampire too"_

Carlisle bits Edward, the beautiful boy, and makes him a vampire. But Edward being a rebel tries to escape him.

--

Edward stood at the prop doorway and began his rebel song.

"_I'm rebel_

_So I'm going to leave_

_Kay, bye."_

Edward leaves. Carlisle falls to his knees.

--

Carlisle is then shown running down at the bottom of a ravine, lifting the body of a women. He bites her and they sing a duet to talk about it.

"_I wanted to die, you jerk!" _Esme sang in an almost screech.

_"Nooooo!_

_I love you" _Carlisle replied.

"_Ok, I love you too, jerk."_ The two kiss and its true love.

--

The door opens, revealing Edward.

"_I've returnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnned." _Esme, even though she'd never met him before, hugged him.

--

Carlisle is running all over, when he spies a girl named Rosalie, lying half-dead on the ground.

He takes her home and bites her.

"_I shall save you_

_You will be a vampire_

_Aren't you happy?"_

Rosalie screeched in reply.

"I'll take that as a 'yes'." Carlisle broke out into a dance break.

Edward jumped in the dance break.

_"__Noooo, why her?_

_She'll ruin everything_

_Let her dieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"_

Carlisle and Edward danced around the room.

--

The scene switches to Rosalie walking in the woods, when she sees a man being mauled by a bear. She fights the bear and wins, claiming her prize, the unconscious man.

"Carlisle bite him." She commanded when she returned home.

"Where did you find him?" He asked, caused Rosalie to break out in song.

(To the song "Monster Mash" by Bobby Pickett)

"_I was walking the woods late one night_

_When my eyes beheld a gorgeous sight_

_When a bear was began to arise_

_And suddenly to my surprise_

_He mauled his face_

_He mauled Emmett's face"_

--

The musical was going on the three-hour mark when Edward decided he had had enough.

Alice and Jasper were mid-duet about their unconditional love for one another.

Edward leaned over to Bella backstage. "What to leave?"

She nodded. "But first. Let's destroy this place, so we never have to do this stupid musical again."

"I like your thinking."

Soon, with the help of Rosalie, Emmett, Jacob, Esme, Tanya, Mike, Eric, Rebecca, Rachael, Aro, Stephanie Meyer, Charlie, Billy, Phil, Seth, and Wander, they were able to come up with a plan to destroy the set.

They decided the pyromaniac approach would be both the fun-est and most efficient method.

And so, Phil poured lighter fluid all over the stage while Carlisle and Bella were singing their realizing their true love for one another song.

Rebecca lit and matches and once Bella and Carlisle were clear of the stage, everyone dropped their lit matches on the lighter fluid covered stage. Instantly engulfing it in flames and soon burning down the entire building.

"Bella," Edward looked at her. "Take a bow." She bowed with laugh.

--

Author's Note: We went to see the Lion King yesterday on Broadway. It was actually REALLY, REALLY good. I would suggest, if you can go see it, (and you like musicals) going to see it.


	47. Fanfiction

Disclaimer: Twilight is NOT own by me…how sad…

Disclaimer: Twilight is NOT own by me…how sad…Or Google. Or fanfiction

Author's Note:(ponders what to say)…I've got nothing.

--

Edward was checking his e-mail. _Fan girl, Fan girl, Fan girl, Bella, Carlisle, sent two seconds ago…Why can't he just talk to me, he's four steps away. Fan girl…'_A message for someone special' was the subject of an e-mail close to the end of his list. Edward read the screen name, 'ThIsIsEmMeTtCuLlEN'. _Jasper…_

Edward gave up on trying to answer his mail, so he began to search the web for something to do. He found his way to Google, curious about what he might find, he typed in his name.

He waited two point six seconds, his computer was so slow, and soon the message at the top read about one million four hundred ninety thousand result matches (A/N: That's the real number, I checked.).

"Yay…I have fans!" Edward said excitedly, feeling like Emmett for a moment. "I'm so popular!" He gazed down the list of sites.

_Edward leaves Bella and she falls for Jacob. They get married. All Human. All real. All True. What the heck? _He read the website under the strange and clearly untrue statement. Jacob loved him, not Bella. He was just using her to get to him. Wasn't it obvious?

_…What the heck is a fanfiction?_ He clicked on the site.

A list of random untrue statements appeared.

'Carlisle proclaims his love for Bella. She breaks up with Edward.'. _Eww…pedophile much._

'Jacob imprints on a walrus.'. _Ok, that one might be true._

'Bella gets pregnant with Mike's child. Alice is having an impossible sugar high. Edward can't find his remote. Jacob can't speak anything, but pig latin. Please R&R. Thx.' _That doesn't even make any sense._

'This is a collection of completely random moments in time during the everlasting lives of the Cullen family.' _Huh? That just sounds stupid. Who would write this crap? _(A/N: Thanks, Edward…make fun of me…like Jasper. XD)

'Edward goes on a killing spree during his rebel years, when he meets a young girl named Bella, who changes his outlook on his new life.' _What? I didn't know Bella back then!_

'A new Cullen joins the family, Marina Cullen. How will Bella react when there's a fight brewing for Edward's affection? ExOC. JxOC. ExB. CxEmxRxEsxJasxAxJ. Really good story, please read!' _I only love Bella…who the heck is Marina? _(A/N: cough Thanks again, Edward. Keep up the great work.)

'jacobs son, Kevin, mets bella and Edwards daughter, lizzie, at school. a love blosoms, how will the parents like it?'. _OH MY GOD! Bella and I have a kid! OH MY GOD! Why didn't anyone tell me?_

"I need to go ask Bella!" Edward left the computer. Carlisle walked over and looked at the screen. He read a few more 'summaries' as they were called.

Edward returned with Bella. "Bella, we have kids. It says right here."

"It also says that Jasper and I are making love behind your back." She pointed to a story.

"OH MY GOD! Why would you do that? It's his fantastic hair, isn't it?" Edward crossed his arms.

"No, he's just more of a man than you." She ruffled his hair.

"Umm…not break up this moment, but why in the world does it say that Billy Black, Chief Swan and I have a love triangle going on?" He clicked on the blue words that said, 'Worlds Sexiest Men Make the Sexiest Love Triangle'. "It even goes into detail."

"'Cause it's actually happening." Jasper walked in the room followed by Rosalie and Alice.

"Oh yeah…I have to call them. Bye." Carlisle left.

"Jasper, look!" Edward pointed to the screen. "These people know our secret and are writing lies about us. The only thing they didn't lie about was Bella and my children."

"EDWARD! We DON'T have kids!" Bella screamed.

"Right…that's what you want me to think."

Jasper examined the website. "They know too much. They must be eliminated."

"Jasper, what are you part of the Volturi now?" Edward looked confused.

"Ok, we'll spare the writer writing the story about Jacob's love for a walrus. Because we all know that one's true, but the rest will feel the wrath of Jasper Whitlock Hale Cullen! Muh ha ha!"

"Wait, Jacob loves a walrus?" Edward asked with his head cocked.

"Yeah, I do!" Jacob magically appeared in the middle of the room with his three hundred pound walrus lover, he called Patricia. "I tried girls after they realized I was Shark Boy, but seeing how I was a shark, I fell madly in love with aquatic animals." He leaned over and smooched his girl/walrus-friend on the snot. "She loves me for who I am."

"Back away slowly…we don't want to upset…" Edward whispered to the group as they walked slowly away from the walrus orgy at the other side of the room.

"HOLY CRAP! It's a FREAKING WALRUS!" Emmett screamed. "And Jacob is in love with her! Aww…Wait! My fanfiction is true…so it's not fiction anymore! It's fantruth! Yay!" Emmett danced.

--

Author's Note: I read a summary about Edward reading a fanfic and this what happened. Plus it's 3 in the morning…I'm so tired. My tired-ness led to Jacob's affection for a walrus…don't ask. I'm going to bed.


	48. FedEx

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. Or Or Fed-Ex Or the Bill Gates Biography.

Author's Note: We need to address a few issues… One, we do in fact love Twilight. We come up with jokes about it out of affection for it.

Two, we apologize if we at any time prior to this or in the future insult or offend anyone. We do not intend to intentionally offend someone. We are terribly sorry if we have in the past put anyone down or insulted someone. We're sorry.

I think that's everything for now. Again, we apologize if at anytime you have felt offended by anything in this story. We don't mean to hurt anyone. We're very sorry.

--

Emmett typed quickly on the keys on the computer. He clicked and looked around searching for a card, a credit card to be exact. After stealing Carlisle's credit card recently, he decided to take someone who doesn't use their credit card, thus she wouldn't miss it.

The card read, 'Esme Cullen'. She never really left the house, so she never used her credit card. She wouldn't know.

Emmett looked at items that were on the screen. That's when Edward appeared, both to stop Emmett from doing something stupid and to party with Jasper for no reason. They just decided yesterday, that today was a good party day.

"Emmett, what are you doing now?" Edward put his hands on his hips.

"Edward, stop that!" Alice yelled from the stairs.

"What?" Edward pressed his hands tighter into his hips.

"Get your hands off of your hips! It makes you look like a girl!" Alice ran over and pulled his hands away from his body.

"Seriously, Edwarda, you really need to start acting like a guy! First off, stop having hissy fits over everything. It's not manly. Two, when Emmett says we should do something stupid, punch him in the face. It's much more manly. And three, stop using Rosalie's perfume. You smell like pansies."

"But I like pansies. And Bella thinks I smell good."

Alice rolled her eyes at him. "She also thinks Emmett smells good. And he smells like cardboard."

"Hey, just because I hang out at Fed-Ex with Jasper, doesn't mean you have to make fun of me for it!" Emmett tried to defend himself. "It's our super secret hide out for our super secret club, that girls and Edward can't join. So, ha!" He stuck his tongue out at her.

"You and Jasper are at Fed-Ex all the time because you're trying to figure out how you two can ship yourselves to China to play with panda bears."

"How did you know?" Emmett looked surprised. "Jasper spilled the beans didn't he? Darn him and his fabulous hair."

"One, what does his hair have to do with this? And two, he didn't tell me. I had a vision of the two of you rolling around and eating bamboo, which you both threw up, with pandas, so I just put two and two together and got China."

"Oh, so two plus two equals China. No wonder when I put six I got it wrong. OH MY GOSH! YOU CAN SEE THE FUTURE, ALICE?"

She nodded. "Emmett, I've always been able to see the future. Why are you so surprised?"

"I'm not I just felt like yelling something." Emmett turned back to the screen. He was on and was looking for some good deals on stuff to buy for his trip to China.

Edward put his hands on his hips once more. "Edward…" Alice growled as she drug him away to make a man out of him, whether he liked it or not.

Jasper walked into the room. "Emmett are you ready?"

"Yeah, I'm just ordering a Bill Gates biography, so that we can teach the pandas how to read. And then how to create a muti-billion dollar company! And then pandas will rule the world!"

"I have two words for you. Awe. Some."

The two readied themselves for the trip. The obtained the Bill Gates book and knew it was no or never. They went straight down to Fed-Ex express and boxed themselves in. Once they knew they were sealed up, they both waited for the pandas.

--

They finally reached China and the pandas. It was then that Emmett and Jasper taught the pandas how to read and write. And though the pandas never succeeded in world domination. They did however take the world by storm with their software; PandaSoft.

And thus, I type this story tonight for you on Bear Word…(I've got nothing else…night).

--

Author's Note: Sorry if that was bad. I just kind of made it up on the spot. Good Night.


	49. Cullen Bop

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight…WHY CRUEL WORLD

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight…WHY CRUEL WORLD? WHY? XD Or Kids Bop. Or My Little Pony (though I do own like 50 my little ponies) Or Viva Piñata. Or the songs: "Lying is the Most Fun A Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off" by Panic At the Disco, or "That's What Girls Do" by No Secrets.

--

Emmett stared at the T.V. as he had gotten used to in the past couple months. He was excited by the flashing images that crossed his sight. He laughed and giggled as a My Little Pony commercial came on the screen.

"EDWARD! Your favorite commercial is on!" Emmett called him. Ever since Edward put his hands on his hips, his entire world had changed. His masculinity was all, but gone. And now he enjoyed sitting and watch the My Little Pony movie on a daily basis.

Alice had long ago given up hope on trying to salvage Edward's manly-ness. She decided to turn her attention back to Jasper, and try to break his habit of playing Viva Piñata like a religion. So far she had only succeeded in making him make her, a piñata that looked like her.

Edward skipped merrily down the stairs. He stopped at the T.V. were Emmett sat and watched intently as the ponies pranced across the screen. Emmett and Edward's head tilted back and forth with the song that played in the background.

The commercial ended. "That just gets better and better." Edward said. Emmett nodded in agreement.

The next commercial began, but it was it was soon realized by both it was more of an infomercial, than a commercial.

"_Kids Bop 34. This has got all the hottest songs sang by kids. Just listen…"_ The commercial continued with some children singing in off-key unison.

"Oh my gosh!" Emmett looked and listened to the screen.

"Let's make a Cullen Bop!" Both Emmett and Edward said at the same time. Edward could already tell that he was turning into Emmett's twin. He blamed pandas for his loss of his masculinity, if Emmett hadn't wanted to go to China to play with pandas, he would have never put his hands on hips. And then Alice wouldn't have freaked out.

_Why the heck couldn't she have had a vision of that to warn me?_ Edward thought bitterly, but then he remembered the ponies and smiled.

--

Two weeks later and a ton of convincing to remove Jasper from playing Viva Piñata, plus even more convincing him that his piñata couldn't come with them, because it didn't exist, the Cullens and Bella were in the recording studio.

Carlisle and Esme were going to sing first, a duet. They choose "Lying is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off" by Panic at the Disco, somehow the managed to make it a duet by breaking up.

Carlisle started first. "_Is it still me that makes you sweat?"_

Then Esme. " _Am I who think about in bed?"_

They completed their song in record time. Next up was Jasper, who told everyone he was working on a solo album anyway, so he'd just use one of his original songs.

He started by strumming a few chords on his guitar. Then he sang.

"_I'm Jasper. _

_My name rhymes with Casper_

_My wife's name is Alice_

_She's prettier than a lattice"_

Jasper went on for about twelve minutes straight without out stopping. Finally, Edward knocked on the glass window in front of Jasper, ending his song.

Alice, Rosalie, and Emmett sang next. Their song was pretty much Rosalie talking about how completely and utterly gorgeous she is. While Alice and Emmett made up something that sounded like backup, but at the same time, sounded like wounded bearcats.

The entire song was such a disaster; I won't even go into detail (A/N: And I don't want to write another song…anyway….). I will save you from the horror. You're welcome.

Bella looked over to Edward once they three-some were done performing. He nodded and they proceeded into the studio.

They readied themselves. Edward had chosen the song, he said it was a winner, and though Bella hadn't heard his song choice yet, she trusted him.

The music began playing; it was song Bella hadn't heard in so long.

"You picked 'That's What Girls Do"." He nodded and began to sing.

"_You ask me why I change the color of my hair, yeah."_

Bella replied. "_You ask me why I need thirty-two pairs of shoes to wear."_

_--_

The CD went triple platinum in three weeks, due to Jasper telling all of his piñata friends to buy it. Apparently, piñatas like the way vampires sing. Go figure.

--

Author's Note: That was bad, I can tell. I'm actually awake writing it. That's how I know it's bad.


	50. A Studly Man of A Man

Disclaimer: I don't Twilight…no…not at all…no…

Disclaimer: I don't Twilight…no…not at all…no…Or Bop-It. Or Darth Vader. Or Wal-Mart. Or Jolly Rancher. Or Tooties Rolls. Or Enchanted and Wall-E.

Author's Note: I've been listening to The Mitch Hansen Band while writing the past couple chapters. If you've never heard them go listen to them on myspace or youtube. They have an entirely Twilight inspired CD called Twilight Hour. Totally go listen to it now!

Yay 50! Yay almost 400 reviews! Thank you guys so much for reviewing, favoriting, and alerting! It is greatly appreciated! :D

--

Edward was working on his ballet that he had decided to take up yesterday. Bella watched him through the kitchen door. She was becoming increasingly disgusted with his lack of masculinity.

"Alice!" She shouted.

"Bella!" Alice yelled into Bella's ear, because they were three inches from each other.

"Let's get Edward his masculinity back!" Bella cupped her hands to emphasis the sound.

"Ok! But we'll need some studly men!" Alice replied in her same yelling voice.

"Ok! Like who!" Bella found a megaphone and turned it up on high, so that she was ten times louder than prior.

"Ummm! I don't know! Darth Vader!"

"Darth Vader! Isn't he dead!" Bella hooked her megaphone up to some massive speakers the Cullens had in their kitchen for no particular reason.

"Yeah, but so are we! So it won't matter!" Alice screeched.

Bella held up a thumbs up and as soon as she did, Jasper and Emmett plowed their way through the kitchen with Rosalie in tow.

"Hey!" Bella shouted through the speakers. "Do you guys want to make Edward a man again!"

"I can't." Jasper looked at Bella. "I've got a date to play Bop-It with my piñata amigos. And they throw candy at me if I blow them off."

"Well, bring the Bop-It and the piñatas!" Alice stood next to his ear and shouted. "They are probably more manly than he's being right now!"

"Yeah, piñatas are pretty dang manly." Jasper agreed.

"Emmett!" Bella cranked the speakers and her megaphone all the way up, so that they were nearly knocked over from the sound. "DO YOU KNOW ANYONE MANLY!"

"Yup, and he's got a manly game too." Emmett said happily.

"OK, BRING HIM WITH YOU! I THINK THAT'S EVERYTHING!" Bella told the group to break, and that they did.

--

"Ok, this does not look like the man bag section of Wal-Mart, like you said it was, Bella." Edward was getting all hissy fitty. It was like it was that time of the month, which was completely impossible for him. As well as quite disturbing to think about.

"No, it's not, Edward!" Bella brought her megaphone with her. She found it so much fun. "You are going to be manly again! Like it or lump it! ALICE!"

Alice jumped out of nowhere and smiled. "You first step to regain the masculinity the pandas so rudely stole from you is…taking on Darth Vader in a light saber battle." Vader stood menacing looking at Edward, who was searching for his man bag.

"Nope." Edward shook his head. "No way I'm fighting him."

"But you are!" Bella shouted. "EMMETT! JASPER! HE'S RESISTING!" Emmett and Jasper appeared and forced a light saber into his hand and threw him in the ring.

Edward was trying to actually fight Vader, when he realized, he was a vampire, he had forgotten. So Edward pulled out all the stops and was about to destroy Vader, when he heard Bella cry out.

"EDWARD, NO! HE'S A RENTAL! WE HAVE TO HAVE HIM BACK BY SIX!" Edward glanced at his watch, five fifty two. He let go of the light saber, still not feeling the masculinity restored.

"Well, that didn't work." Alice started. "Next stage is playing extreme Bop-It with piñatas." She threw him the Bop-It. He never liked these things. The twist it always got stuck and he would lose. Or he would bop-it too hard and smash the thing. Plastic was a terrible invention for vampires. Next they'll be making stuff out of paper.

The piñatas encircled Edward, staring him down. "AND GO!" Bella screamed.

_Twist it, pull it, bop it, twist it, twist it, pull it, bop it…_ Edward was doing well until he was mauled by the piñatas; they knocked him to the group with a Jolly Rancher. Then proceeded to beat him with Tooties Rolls.

Eventually, the lead piñata named Casper, won. Though beaten, Edward felt that the dirty fighting of the piñatas made him more masculine.

"You final stage will be…" Alice paused for dramatic effect. "You must watch the scariest movies ever to exist…Enchanted and Wall-E(A/N: Our step-brother is terrified of these movies)." The crowd that randomly appeared gasped in horror. "Both of these movies were brought by Emmett's masculine friend, Jacob Black." Jake waved.

"Jake's not masculine...he's a puppy." Edward complained.

"I've got a girlfriend." Jake fought back.

"It's a walrus..."

"Ok, you two." Alice stopped them. "Edward, watch the movies and become a man again."

Edward sat and watched the horror (A/N: I actually like both of those movies).

--

After seventeen and half hours, Edward was finished. And he was one studly man of a man. And together with Bella they vowed to never let any type of bear ever come between them again.

Then the piñatas and Jasper became world champion Bop-It masters.

--

Author's Note: My computer is messed up…no other programs are up but word, the entire screen is blank except for this…I don't know. Thanks again! :D

Special thanks to ThatLittleVampireGirl, with your Star Wars, and briiittx xhc, for your Bop-It idea, for inspiring this chapter.

I heart U All (readers and reviewers)!


	51. Imprint

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. Or P, B, & J. Or Blue's Clues.

--

There was a sharp knock at the door that interrupted Emmett's daily habit of watching P, B, & J Otter. It had become his favorite show since Steve had left Blue's Clues and Joe started.

Emmett grumbled and grumpily opened the door, only to show Jacob Black to him. "Edward! You're lover is here!" Emmett called.

"Bella or Jake?" He replied from seemly nowhere.

"Jake is your lover. Bella is just your girlfriend. Duh. Haven't we gone over this?"

"Ask him what he wants, besides me!" Edward yelled back.

"Edward, wants to know what you want?" Emmett looked at Jacob, who sighed.

"I actually need to talk to Bella. Is she here?" Jake crossed his arms.

"EDWARD!" Emmett screeched.

"What?" Edward called back angered. He decided to come out and see what was happening.

Emmett looked to the top of the stairs where Edward now stood. "He wants to talk to Bella."

"Crap no!" Edward said narrowing his eyes straight at Jake, who growled. "Not ever! Bella is mine! Ha ha! Go love your walrus!" Edward tried to shoo him away.

Jake rolled his eyes, which seemed to be filling up with tears. "Can I just talk to her?"

Emmett glanced back and forth between them, giving them both a stupid look that did absolutely nothing. "I'm going back to my show. Later, Wolf Boy. See you, Spedward." He waved and left.

"Fine, but you only have six seconds. If that…" Edward went and retrieved Bella. She walked down the stairs and smiled at Jake. "Ready, go…. Stop."

"I didn't even say anything."

"You wasted your own time. Let's go, Bella." Edward tugged on her arm.

"Edward, five minutes please." She smiled. _Dang you woman! You shall be the end of me! I shall not look into your eyes, then I won't give in! Oh god, she's whimpering! Why? Why am I just so adorable? This is both a curse and a gift. _

"Ok, but you go over five minutes and I'm nuking you." He pointed at Jake.

Jake looked confused, but ignored him. "Bella, I have a problem."

"No duh." Edward's voice was still heard even though he was 'gone'.

"What?" She asked.

"I imprinted."

She nodded. "Yeah, on the walrus. Which I might add is so weird. How are you two going to have a loving relationship? Do you visit her at the aquarium daily? Where are you going to find a wedding dress that fits her?"

"No, I um-imprinted on her."

Bella stopped mid-rant. "That even possible?"

He shook his head. "No." They both shrugged. Who really cared anyway? "Anyway, she was cheating on me with Paul."

"So who or what did you imprint on? Please, don't say me." She crossed her fingers.

"No, someone more gorgeous and handsome." He smiled.

Bella raised an eyebrow.

"Me." He pointed to himself.

"You imprinted on yourself? What the heck, Jake?"

"Well I was really heartbroken over losing Patricia, so I decided to go into my bathroom with a two gallon tub of ice cream and cry/eat away my pain, but once I sat down on the toilet I really needed to go to the bathroom. So did, and when I washing my hands, I looked in the medicine cabinet mirror and fell in love." He said the last sentence was such passion.

He then pulled a mirror from his pocket and held it up so he could see himself and no one else. "Hey, gorgeous. How are you? You're looking mighty fantastic today. Oh thank you. You don't look so bad yourself. Oh, you flatter me." He kissed his reflection. "See, Bella its love." He held the mirror up once more and kissed his reflection again.

"This is mildly disturbing, Jake…." She shuttered.

"Five minutes up!" Edward returned into the room to find Jake making out with a mirror and Bella playing hopscotch. "That wasn't that bad." Edward went over to play with Bella.

--

Author's Note: A special thanks to MyStIc BlAcK PhOeNix for giving us the idea for this chapter…I've got nothing.


	52. Fair

Disclaimer: I cannot say that I own Twilight for I cannot tell a lie

Disclaimer: I cannot say that I own Twilight for I cannot tell a lie. Or Beanie Babies. Or Pikachu. Or Seto Kaiba. Or katamari damashi. Or Don't Go Breaking My Heart. Or Spider Man.

Author's Note: I'm tired and this chapter is for PeaceLoveJonas7894!

--

The county fair was going on in a couple days and Emmett was so very excited. The rides, the thrills, and all the unsuspecting victims-I mean- all the happy people, Emmett was excited for it all.

But above all else he wanted to win a fluffy, puffy, and cuddly bear. He intended to name 'Bear'. Emmett was very unique with his names for things. Like his stuffed carrot named carrot, his Beanie Baby snake named snake and his polyester filled pikachu named Seto Kaiba.

"Hey, Jasper. Let's practice carnival games, so that we can win stuffed animals at the fair!" Emmett squealed.

"Depends, whose in the dunk tank?" Jasper asked.

"Edward, duh. He won't see it coming when he is dunked in the tank!" Emmett smiled.

"Right because the name of the game doesn't give that away or anything." Jasper responded sarcastically. "Can I bring my new friends along?"

"Who?"

"All my new friends from Katamari Damashi! It's awesome! You roll over people with a huge ball and create havoc! It's like being wild newborn, but you make people into stars instead of drinking their blood. It's _awesome_!"

"Jasper, I'm concern."

"You're concerned for me? That's weird. I because I'm not the one who sees a shrink."

"No, she's not a shrink. Rosalie told me she's Mrs. Clause in disguise and if I told her everything that's wrong with me, she'd tell Santa I was a good little blood thirsty monster this year." Emmett smiled like a child.

"Ok…Oh yeah, I didn't even tell you the best part! There are dancing pandas! They dance around a rainbow! It's so pretty!" Jasper began to dance the smiling Emmett.

"So, back to the dunk tank…." Emmett stopped smiling. "Where's Edward?"

--

Three point five minutes later…

"You guys both suck." Edward said as he was forcefully tied into the dunk tank.

"Oh, don't be a baby, Edward." Emmett pulled harder on the rope around him. "This will be fun! Ready, Jasper!"

Jasper nodded as he held a baseball, aiming for the target. Jasper aimed, a perfect mark, but before it could hit, Edward broke the ropes. Braided new ones from the hair of a yak. Had a tea party with Bella, Angela and Alice. Wrote an entire biography about Quil. Grew a mustache. Shaved the mustache. Learned how to square dance. Figured out the meaning of life. Swam the English Channel. And tied Emmett up, placing him on the trap door. All before the ball hit.

Emmett went under and Edward laughed. "Muh ha ha! I'm still the fastest!"

--

Six days later, the Cullen family with Bella, of course, was walking around the fair. They saw some strange sights, such as a karaoke contest, where they saw Paul and his new girlfriend Patricia perform 'Don't Go Breaking My Heart'.

Bella was crying at the end, her reasoning being, when you hear that first sound that sounds like gravel going through a blender, you know it's love.

"No one sings that badly when they don't love each other. Well…except for Emmett." Emmett frowned. "Sorry, but I wasn't sure if you were singing or being horribly tortured." Bella held up her hands.

"You know what?" Bella shrugged. "I'm going to win a bear. Come, Jaspy." He pulled on Jasper's sleeve, causing him to blubber.

"But Jasper wants to ride a pony with Alice." He gave Emmett the best puppy dog eyes he could, but Emmett kept pulling him, away from a very lonely pony. "Jasper miss you pony." He bit his lip as it quivered.

"Here." Emmett stopped in front of a game that was knock over the blocks. It sounded easy enough. "Two balls, please." He held out some money. The attendant took the money and replaced it with two balls. Emmett swung his arm and threw the ball.

It not only knocked over the blocks, but it went right through the wall and knocked someone out cold. They knew this because they next phrase they heard after he threw was. "OH MY SWEET GOD! HE'S OUT COLD!"

Emmett pointed to Jasper as the people looked through hole to see who threw the ball. "He did it."

Jasper looked up with the world's cutest puppy dog pout, cause the people through the hole to smile and go 'aww'. "Jasper miss Jasper's pony…" He spoke quietly.

"Jasper, it's not your pony."

"But it could be…Jasper love her." Jasper hugged his arms around himself.

"Anyway, do I win?" Emmett asked. The attendant nodded, while pressing the security button. "Oooo…can I have a bear?" The attendant nodded again.

"Cool." Emmett did a Spider Man and climbed the wall of toys to reach the bear at the very top, even though all of the bears were exactly the same. "I've decided to change his name to Pump n' Dump. It' s so catchy! Right, Jasper?"

He turned around to find Jasper and Alice riding a pony and two huge security guards.

"Pump n' Dump…I don't like these guys." He whispered to the bear.

"Heck no." The bear replied.

"HOLY CRAP! A TALKING BEAR! RUN!" The two guards scattered.

"And that's why I love him…" Emmett began cuddling with him. "WAIT A SECOND! AHHHHH! IT'S A TALKING BEAR!" Emmett screamed and ran, dropping his bear.

"Ha ha! Run, but Pump n' Dump shall get you!"

--

Author's Note: I hope you enjoyed this, PeaceLoveJonas7894. I'm sorry if it's really bad. I'm falling asleep. Man, I complain about sleeping a lot! Sorry if I'm annoying! XD

Oh yes, and Pump n' Dump is what they call "Pump n' Pantry" around where I live. Which is the absolute mid of nowhere…it looks like La Push here, minus the beach. So it's just woods.


	53. You are NOT the father

Disclaimer: NO TWILIGHT FOR ME

Disclaimer: NO TWILIGHT FOR ME! (NO IDEA WHY I'M CAPS LOCKING EVERYTHING)

Author's Note: Howdy, how are you guys today? I'm delightful! :) I was reading some Twilight fics and getting incredibly excited for Breaking Dawn, then I went to Stephanie Meyer's website to see if, by some miracle, it was coming out like tomorrow. But there was no miracle. Tear…

--

"We're on in five…four…three…two…one." A man standing next to a camera said as he pointed to the stage.

The lights came up, revealing Jasper in the spotlight. "Hello, everyone!" He waved. "It's time for another episode of 'Jasper'. Today, we are going to be trying to locate a boy named…" He looked at his card. "Embry Call's father."

A screen behind Jasper flickered on, showing Embry standing with headphones on waiting for his cue.

"Now, let's bring him out." Jasper motioned. Embry stood and walked on the stage from backstage. The crowd cheered as he descended the stairs. Embry waved and made his way over to the couch next Jasper. Jasper shook his hand, and then wiped it down his pants to get the werewolf germs off it.

"Hello, Embry. Now, it seems you are lacking a father and have come to figure out who it is, correct?" Jasper asked. Embry nodded. "Well, it seems there are forty-five thousand possibilities for your father, but we could only get five on this show, so here they are."

The five possible fathers appeared. Sam, Billy, Phil, Aro and Carlisle. They came down the stairs getting booed from the crowd to due the fact one of them could be a hugely bad parent.

The possible parents sat down, except for Billy, who just pulled up in his wheelchair, in four waiting chairs, while Jasper greeted the next guest.

"And to tell who's the low life that left their son, we have our very own relationship expert, Marcus, from the Volturi here." Jasper began to clap and the rest of the crowd joined in.

"Why in the world am I doing this?" Marcus mumbled. "Why do I care if the stupid werewolf has a father?" Embry heard him and started to cry like Jake did all too often.

"You made him cry." Jasper scolded. "Don't cry wolfie? It's ok, Dr. Whitlock-Hale-Cullen will make it all better." He rubbed Embry on the back while using his power.

"Humph." Was all Marcus could say. "Could we get this over with?"

"Fine. Let's begin with Sam Uley." Jasper turned to Sam who was distracted by a butterfly flying around the room. "Sam!"

"It's a pretty butterfly." Sam stood to catch the butterfly.

Jasper looked over to where Sam was now attempting to catch the insect. "Oh, it is pretty!" Jasper ran over and started jumping up and down trying to catch it as well.

Alice chose this moment to take over the show. The sign that read 'Jasper' was now replace with one that said 'The Alice Show'. "Ok then, we're going to have Marcus figure out who's the father. We'll start with Billy, since Sam and our former host are playing with a butterfly."

Billy rolled over, and Marcus looked at him strangely. Embry waited with wide, tear-filled eyes.

"You are NOT the father!" Marcus proclaimed.

"Oh, take that Embry! I'm not your dad! You're a terribly kid! I've already got one crybaby in my life, so I'm glad I don't have another one!" Billy began to roll away. Embry wailed as he heard the words from Billy. He wasn't his father. Embry was so sure…well actually he knew he wasn't.

Alice smiled. "Now, on to the next one. Phil." Phil stood looking very Phil-like.

Marcus closed his eyes to focus. "In the case of Embry Call…you are NOT the father!"

Phil began to cry. "How could you? How could you not be son? Even though I've never met you in my life? Why?" Phil sobbed. "Why does it have to be this way?" Hysterical, Phil ran off stage.

Looking a little disturbed, Alice decided to move on. "We have Aro from the Volturi next."

"I don't see how it's humanly possible that myself or Carlisle are this boy's father, considering we're both vampires." Aro said as he stood.

"Oh, it's not. We just couldn't get anyone else." She clapped her hands. "So, Marcus is Aro the father?"

"You are NOT the father!"

"Yes! I'm free! I you have no idea how hard it is knowing you possibly have a son! Oh, yeah!" Aro walked off, leaving a crying Embry.

Carlisle stood knowing he was next. "Do we even have to do this? I'm not the father."

"Shhh…Carlisle. Don't ruin the surprise." Alice put her finger over her lips. "Marcus?"

He shook his head.

"Ok, good. I'm going back to being a sexy model/doctor." Carlisle waved and left.

"Sam!" He turned as Alice yelled. "Can you come over here?"

"But the butterfly…" Jasper pushed him. Sam's head fell and he walked over.

"Ha, the pretty butterfly is mine." Jasper said while jumping.

"Marcus, is Sam the father?" Alice asked.

"You are NOT the father!"

"Good. Now back to my butterfly." Sam turned to see Jasper hopping and nearly getting a hold of the butterfly. "NO, THAT'S MINE!"

"Well, it seems no one is your father, Embry. Do you know anyone who could possibly be your father?" Alice questioned as she put her hand on his leg. "Do you know any other wolves at?"

"There's Jacob." Embry said through his tears.

Alice's face lit up. "It's settled. Jacob Black is your father. Bring him in." Jake appeared.

"Daddy!" Embry ran over and hugged him.

Marcus turned to Jake and Embry. "I see the connection of something far greater than father and son."

Alice looked confused. "Jake, do you like love everyone?"

"I'm lover. Not a fighter." He hugged Embry.

--

Author's Note: This chapter was caused by watching too much Dr. Phil and such like it.


	54. eHarmony

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, isn't it obvious

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, isn't it obvious? Or Or any other dating service. Or Spunk Ransom. Or Chuck E. Cheese. Or Shark Boy.

--

1 YEAR PRIOR TO BELLA

Edward sat in his room staring at the ceiling; he was trying to break his record of two weeks, three days, fifteen hours, forty-four minutes, and thirty-six seconds of staring at the ceiling. So far he was doing well, he was four minutes in and feeling fine.

Originally, when Emmett saw Edward doing this, he thought it was another special power Edward had, the ability to stare at things for insanely long periods of time. Emmett became hugely jealous of this ability, up until he found out Edward was just staring for fun, then he told him he was a nerd.

"We should do something to annoy him." Emmett said while him and Jasper looked at Edward through the crack in his doorway.

"I know just the thing." Jasper stood and ran to the computer in the nearby room.

"What are you going to do?" Emmett asked as he followed Jasper. "Get him to watch pretty sunsets with us? Ooo…that would be so romantic."

"No. I want to get him something he'd hate even more." A wicked grin crossed Jasper face. "A girlfriend."

Emmett pretended to be in mock fear. "Hand-picked by us. Excellent." Emmett looked at the computer screen as Jasper typed some stuff in. "Where are you going?"

"To a site I saw a commercial for. It's called eHarmony." eHarmony appeared on the screen. Jasper clicked on the 'new profile' button.

A list of questions came up. 'Name'. Jasper typed in 'Edward Cullen'.

"No, don't type that." Emmett pushed Jasper away from the keyboard. "You need to give him a name that sounds sexy, not like he fell out of a nursing home." Emmett pondered for a moment, then typed 'Spunk Ransom'. "See, sexy."

Jasper shook his head and got back in control of the keyboard. The next space read 'Age'. "Umm…107."

"Too old." Emmett cut in. "You really are horrible at this. You have to give him a mysteriously sexy age."

"Must everything be 'sexy'?"

"Yes." Emmett thought of his options for Edward's age and settled on 32. Nodding in approval, he let Jasper take over once more.

"Male or female." Jasper bit his lip. Then clicked the circle next to male.

Moving on he got location. "What should be put for his location? Sitting in his room pathetically waiting for someone to love him?"

"Sounds good." Emmett gave him a thumbs up.

Describe yourself was the next task. "Emmett, how would you describe Edward?"

"Here let me type." Jasper moved, so Emmett could type.

Emmett typed quite quickly and soon Jasper read what he'd written. "_I, Spunk Ransom, am a sex god. I have descended from the higher power to bestow upon all of you weak earthlings my awesome power. Bow at my feet or feel the wrath of my awesome-ness._ Humble. I like it." Jasper smiled.

Following those questions, there was a list of random questions to answer, so that your personality could be matched up with someone else's.

Jasper read the first question. "Did you have sudden urges to bite your previous significant other? Yes, no, maybe or n/a. Emmett?"

"I'd say yeah."

"Ok." He clicked and read the next question. "Have you ever had a girlfriend/boyfriend who was either attacked by a wild vampire, became best friends with a werewolf, stalked by a vampire mate out for vengeance because you killed their mate or brunette? Yes, no, maybe or n/a. Emmett?"

"What kind of questions are these anyway? None of that crap is even possible to happen. Anyway, I say nah, because Edward doesn't like girls."

"Next question. Have you ever woken up and realized you have feelings for a certain werewolf that loves your girlfriend?"

"Hmm…"Emmett pondered. "I'd say yes, just to make sure we cover all the ground."

The next fourteen hours were filled with answering random questions that Emmett kept saying were impossible to even happen. Like the one about 'Have your previous significant others ever jumped off of a cliff?' and 'Have you ever been to Chuck E. Cheese?'.

"Finally we're done." Jasper said, after answering the last question. He leaned back and relaxed. "Now, let's wait for the responses."

--

The next day, Jasper and Emmett saw that Edward have one response. They clicked to see the person's profile.

The description read. '_I, Shark Boy, am both shark and boy. Therefore, I, Shark Boy, am completely awesome. I, Shark Boy, live in a house. And I, Shark Boy, am looking for someone to live in the house with me (Shark Boy)._'.

Jasper and Emmett looked at the picture of 'Shark Boy'. They both grunted in disgust.

"Ok," Jasper started. "Maybe Edward doesn't need a girlfriend that bad." And with that, they deleted Edward's profile.

--

Author's Note: This chapter was inspired by a bunch of people asking for us to do a facebook or myspace story. My sister and I came up with this. We still will probably write one with facebook or myspace, but this what we came up with for now. Hope you enjoyed!

Oh yeah, and the line 'I, Spunk Ransom, am a sex god.' is a play on a line from a Final Fantasy XII story I read, I can't remember the name, but the line in that goes 'I, Ffamran Bunansa, am a sex god.' And it makes me laugh every time I read it, so credit for that line goes to them. I'm sorry I can't remember the author's name.


	55. Book

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight…Or Pat the Bunny

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight…Or Pat the Bunny. Or Simba.

Author's Note: This was inspired by the book, Pat the Bunny and the Lion King.

--

Emmett pushed his way through the door to his and Rosalie's room. She was sitting staring at herself, as she did daily. Her and Jacob would make a perfect couple, they're both in love with themselves.

"ROSALIE!" Emmett yelled.

"I'm so pretty…Oh so pretty. What's that?" She leaned her ear closer to the mirror she was looking in. "I'm gorgeous…what was that?" She leaned farther. "I'm as obsessed with myself as Jacob Black." Insulted, Rosalie took her comb and smashed the mirror.

"That's the last time you tell me I'm like Shark Boy." She kicked the pieces of the mirror on the floor. "What do you want, Emmett?"

"I wrote a children's book!" He smiled holding out a book made of printer paper and tied together with some ribbon that was fringed at the ends.

"That's nice." She looked around. "Do you think I can steal Edward's mirror? I haven't seen myself in four seconds. I miss me." She frowned.

"Can you read it to me, Rose?" Emmett was begging her.

"Shouldn't you know what it says? You wrote it."

"Jasper and Alice edited for me, so they may have changed some things." He fell to his knees, holding his hands together. "Please, Rosalie!"

"Alright." She glanced about the room once more. "You need to get me a mirror first."

He nodded, leaving the room. Returning with the mirror from Edward's room.

"Should I put it here?" Emmett set it down, so Rosalie could stare at herself.

"Perfect. Now, let's see." She gazed over the cover. It was a poorly drawn picture of what looked like a bunny. The front read, _Simba the Bunny_ _By: Emet Culen Edited: By Jasper and Alice Illustrations by: Edward Cullen._

"Emmett, you spelled your name wrong." Emmett waved it off.

"Just read it."

"First you have to tell me what the heck this is on the cover." She pointed to the blob on the front. "I think it's either a pack of wildebeests or a water buffalo."

"It's a bunny. Edward just can't draw to save his life. Now on with the story."

She rolled her eyes at her husband and began. "_Look, it's a bunny named Simba._" A poorly drawn bunny/zebra was on the page. _Note to self, never let Edward draw again…for forever. _"_Watch Simba hop."_

"_And look, there's a vampire named Emmett."_ Rosalie looked at the stick figure that was supposed to Emmett, but looked more like a moose. _Never again._

She flipped the page. _"Emmett can bite the bunny. Can you bite the bunny?"_ There was a sketch of the Emmett/moose biting into the bunny/zebra. Though it was hard to tell with all the red on the page. "Emmett, I hardly see this fit for kids."

"Of course, kids will love it. It's got bunnies."

"Bunnies that get the blood sucked out of them by vampires."

"Kids should be prepared at a young age for what might happen. 'Cause let's say some kid reads this book, then years later Jasper loses his mind and mauls the kid. Well then the kid would have known that he was not alone when he got mauled. Simba the bunny got mauled too. Thus it's ok for Jasper to maul children." Emmett finished his last sentence with a grin on his face.

"Emmett, what the heck are you on?" She paused. "'Cause I want some."

"Sure, but later. Can we finish the book?" She nodded.

She found her place and started to read again. _"But Emmett didn't drink all of the bunny's blood. So the bunny was alright._" There was another horribly drawn drawing of what looked like to cougars fighting over a bagel, but Rosalie assumed it was the bunny and Emmett.

"_Simba became a bloodthirsty monster. Are you a bloodthirsty monster?_" The picture was that of Simba the bunny/zebra devouring what looked like Jacob. "_ Emmett looked happily upon his new friend and from then on, they were best friends._" The drawing was the Emmett/moose and Simba the bunny/zebra hugging in what was supposed to be a heart, but Edward drew an octagon instead.

"_And then Simba and Emmett terrorized the local town, by overthrowing the town mayor, and taking over. They then, raised taxes and made everyone celebrate national Jasper Whitlock Day."_

"SEE! I TOLD YOU JASPER AND ALICE CHANGED SOMETHING!" Emmett grew very angry at the final sentence of his story.

"What did they change, Emmett?" Rosalie asked as she tried to get a good look at herself in the mirror. She had gone about ten minutes without looking at herself. The withdrawal was killing her.

"It was supposed to be national rice pudding day." Emmett sobbed for the loss of his rice pudding.

"It's alright. I'm still gorgeous." She stood and got close to Edward's mirror. Smiling at herself she asked. "Mirror, mirror from Edward's wall. Whose the vainest of them all?"

The mirror replied. "Jacob Black."

--

Author's Note: I'm going all Disney right now…


	56. Lava Girl

Dsicalmeir: I dno't onw Tiwiglht

Dsicalmeir: I dno't onw Tiwiglht. Or Sarhk Boy. Or Brunig Up by The Jaons Borhtres.

Ahtuor's Ntoe: I'm so hpeyr crunrelty.

--

Bella and Edward were walking down to the local food store to pick up something for the human to eat. They decided they would walk due to a higher force that forgot the two had cars and could potentially drive.

Bella was giggling like a koala (A/N: do koalas giggle?) as they reached the store. Edward was just staring at her. He'd told her that his pants were vibrating, caused by his phone, and she somehow found it hysterical.

"Sorry, Eddie-teddy." She'd come up with a cutesy nickname for him with Alice and Jasper's help. Though it was mostly Jasper. "It's just…your pants were vibrating." She laughed. "Come on, that's funny. What's happened to people today?"

He rolled his eyes, noticing a paper taped to the side of the building. It was flailing in the wind, half taped on and half ripped off. He pulled the paper from the wall and read.

'_Holding Auditions for Lava Girl (due to her sudden disappearance)._

_All ages accepted. Female or males (doesn't matter, I just need my Lava Girl back)_

_Auditions will be held on August 2nd at the First Beach in La Push._

_Sincerely, Shark Boy'_

In smaller letters after Shark Boy, Edward could make out the words '_sucks bad.'_

"Hey, Bella what do you think about this?" Edward showed her. "I think Jakers is lonely."

"Well you'd be too, if your walrus lover left you for another guy. The guy you adore doesn't share the same feelings. And all you love is yourself. It's very lonely." Bella glanced over the sheet. "Hey, I'm going to audition!"

"No."

"Aww…come on! We'll get everyone! And we can all try out!" She smiled at her idea.

"No, I don't want to audition to be stalked by Jacob Black. I got that for free."

"You have better plans that day?" She crossed her arms and put on her best sassy face.

"Actually I do." He crumpled up the paper. "I'm going to be reading a book called Reconstructing Dusk. Got a problem with that?"

"Yeah, that book is supposed to weird. I heard there's this girl, Edwarda, who bits her boyfriend, Bell, and turns him into a human from a vampire. And also instead of getting married, they get a divorce. Even though they're not married yet." She shook her head. "So come on." She begged.

"Ok, we can go." He gave in.

"Yay!" She smiled and hugged him. "I'm going to audition for a stalker! THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER!"

--

August second came far too fast for Edward. The whole Cullen family was lined up waiting for the auditions to begin. And finally, Jac-I mean- Shark Boy came out of his shark cave to meet the masses. By masses I'm referring to the Cullens and Mike.

"Are any of you hotter than me?" Shark Boy asked. Edward raised his hand. "Oh, I already knew that." Jacob/Shark Boy leaned down farther as if to talk only to Edward. "I already stalk you. You don't have to flatter me by auditioning."

Edward looked completely confused and very disgusted. "Creeper."

"Now then, who's first?"

Alice pulled Jasper throw the crowd. "Oh, we'll go." The two stood in front of Shark Boy. "I'm Lava and he's Girl. Ready, we came up with a cheer."

Jasper clapped his hands together, as did Alice. They chanted together. "Lava Girl! Let's go, Lava Girl! You're the best! YAY! WOO!"

"Did you two come up with that three seconds ago?"

"Crap, Alice." Jasper whispered. "He's on to us. Run!" The two pulled rocket powered jetpacks out of thin air and flew into the sky and beyond.

Shark Boy looked around for a second before saying. "NEXT!"

This time Bella hopped her way to the auditioning stage. "I prepared a…um…a dance!"

As she spoke the words 'a dance', the heavens parted and a stereo fell from the sky playing the song 'Burnin' Up' by The Jonas Brothers.

She skipped along off beat to the song, running around and doing random tumbles on the ground. Shark Boy watched in amazement. It was the most incredible thing he'd seen all day. Especially when she sang off-key, then spun around and unbelievably she looked and sounded exactly like Joe Jonas.

Bella finished and she was still looking suspiciously like Joe Jonas. Shark Boy clapped. "I love you!"

Bella/Joe smiled to be polite, then glanced around for an escape. Finding one, she/he made their move.

Behind the stage Bella/Joe, met with the real Bella Swan who was hiding. "Thank you, Joe."

"I'm a Jonas Brother." He bowed. "It's what I do." And he fled.

"Bella?" Jake, the shark, called, but received no reply. He searched the crowd for anyone that looked like her. And that's when he saw his perfect Lava Girl.

They were standing next to the mother type figure from the Cullen family. They were just perfect. Shark Boy left his post and ran to _his_ Lava Girl.

Jake threw himself around Lava Girl's waist. " Will you be Lava Girl? You're perfect."

Carlisle raised an eyebrow. "Umm…sure."

"LAVA GIRL! I LOVE YOU! YOU'RE LIGHT! NOT DESTRUCTION! (A/N: Oh, sorry. I just ruined that movie)." Jake gazed at everyone around. "LEAVE NOW! I NEED TO BE ALONE WITH LAVAY!"

"Edward, I'm scared!" Carlisle tried to turn to him, but Jake wasn't letting him.

"Join the club."

--

Author's Note: This chapter was inspired by Captain Kris asking where is Lava Girl. And my wonderful hat.


	57. Sneaker Night

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or the song 'SneakerNight' by Vanessa Hudgens

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or the song 'SneakerNight' by Vanessa Hudgens. Or Fuse.

Author's Note: I decided to write a short one, because we're going to Hershey again! WOOT…kay, here you go.

--

Emmett and Rosalie were discussing what they were going to do tonight on their date night. They hadn't had one in two days, and they really needed to re-kindle their romance.

The T.V. was on Fuse, the channel, and was playing the hottest hits.

"So, Rose." Emmett started. "Basically, what we going to do?"

The music from the T.V. blared. "_Basically what we're gonna do is dance_."

"Oh, thank you T.V." Emmett replied. "So what is tonight anyway?"

The music responded again. "_it's sneaker night_."

"HOW DOES THE T.V. KNOW?"

--

Author's Note: Short and sweet. My sister and I constantly act like this when this song is on. See you guys tomorrow!


	58. Murphy the Peacock

Claimer of the dis- type: Owning of the Twilight does not exist for me

Claimer of the dis- type: Owning of the Twilight does not exist for me. Or Youtube. Or Candy Mountain.

Author's Note: Yay, we were gone for an epic day, but we're back.

And we also wanted to say THANK YOU, everyone! Seriously 540 reviews! Woo, when we started writing this, we only thought we'd get 100 at the very most.

You guys are ABSOLUTELY AMAZING! Thanks to everyone who favorited (72 people), everyone who alerted (75 people) and everyone who has told some else about this story. We're heard from a few people, they heard about this story from some else. It's incredible that you that you guys actually would tell some else about this. So thank you!

And also all the readers, even if you don't review, just knowing you would sit and read this is awesome thank you!

Ok, that was long. Now onward…

--

Edward sat quietly with Bella, just staring at one another. He had challenged her to a staring match, knowing very well he could stare for forever without blinking, just so he could win.

Bella twitched.

Edward's eyes went wider. She twitched again.

Her eyes were closing, but she was fighting it. She wanted to win the prize, a free trip to Candy Mountain. She'd always wanted to go there ever since she had seen the magical video of it on Youtube.

The door slammed open, causing Edward to blink in surprise. He'd lost.

"EDWARD!" Edward turned to see Emmett in the doorway holding leashed animal. No, not animal. It was a bird. "LOOK WHAT I GOT!" He pointed to the bird.

"Emmett, what the heck is that?" Edward said angered that he'd lost the staring match and now there was a random bird in their living room.

"It's a peacock!" He smiled and jumped.

"And why do you have a peacock?" Bella laughed next to Edward.

"For peacock reasons…" Emmett's eyes were shifted from side to side.

"What kind of peacock reasons could you possible have?" Edward paused. "Oh wait, it's you."

"Well, I thought we could-" Edward cut off Emmett.

"We are NOT using that thing for Valentine's Day."

"Huh? Wait, why not?" Emmett looked incredibly disappointed by Edward. Bella looked back and forth in confusion.

"What does Valentine's Day have to do with this?" Bella asked.

"Nothing." Edward replied in a monotone voice.

The peacock squawked. "Well, actually I was thinking about giving this to Carlisle make up for the cat I ate." Emmett tried to persuade Edward into letting him keep it.

"First off, I think you mean _cats_." Edward corrected. "And you already tried to make it up to him. And remember how wonderfully that all turned out." He motioned to the box of now rabid kittens sitting in the kitchen next to Jasper, who was petting them.

"Nice, kitties." Jasper patted the one on the head. "Jasper like kitties."

"We really need to get him a day job." Emmett noted at they watched Jasper and the kittens. Edward and Bella nodded.

"So, besides giving it to Carlisle. What are you going to do with it? And were the heck did you get the darn thing?" Edward was trying very hard to stay focused, but there was a shiny collar around the peacock's neck, which was catching his attention a lot.

"One, Edward, it is him. And his name is Murphy. He get very moody went you call him 'it'." Murphy crocked out a cry. "It's ok, Murph." He patted his beak.

"And to the rest of your meaningless questions, because the answers are right in front of you, you're just being stubborn." Emmett continued. "Hmmm…maybe I could train it to talk like Pump n' Dump and the pandas, then he could write songs that hit the top ten on the charts."

Edward looked as confused as Bella at this point. "Emmett, how do you always seem to end up with extremely talented animals? Example, the pandas that created PandaSoft."

"Which I might add." Bella jumped in. "Keeps making my BAC (A/N: Bear's Awesome Computer) freeze."

"Jasper taught the pandas. Hence they're so defective." Jasper heard in the next room. Lifting his box of rabid kittens and carrying them into the living room.

Upon setting down the box, Jasper aimed the kittens at Emmett. "Get him." The kittens attacked.

"Ahhhh!" Emmett screamed as a box full of cute and cuddly kittens maimed him.

"What did you say about my defective pandas?" Jasper stood menacingly.

"They were very not defective, they were very fective!" Jasper shrugged.

"Close enough." Jasper waved his hand the kittens hopped into the box. He picked up the box and left.

"So…" Edward gazed around. "The peacock?"

"It's from the zoo. I thought he was adorable like Cedric Diggory, so I kidnapped him and took him home as a pet."

"That's it." Edward smiled. It was then that Edward noticed that Emmett's eyes were nearly completely black. "You're going to eat it, aren't you?"

"Umm…DON'T JUDGE ME!" Emmett scurried off.

"Edward?" Bella's voice was quiet. "What happens with a peacock on Valentine's Day?"

Edward smirked, while standing and left the room. Bella, still confused, decided to ask Alice later.

--

VALENTINE'S DAY

"Got the peacock?" Jasper nodded to Edward's question. "Good."

--

Author's Note: What do you think they do with a peacock on Valentine's Day? 'Cause I have no idea….lol!

This was for DamnThoseDazzlingCullens. Sorry if it was bad.

OH MY GOSH! LESS THAN 24 HOURS UNTIL BREAKING DAWN! (passes out)


	59. Reconstructing Dusk

Disclaimer: NO I do NOT own Twilight

Disclaimer: NO I do NOT own Twilight. Whatever you've heard is a lie. Or Nerd Rope. Or Doodle Bops. Or Duct Tape.

Author's Note: OH MY SWEET GOODNESS! We just got Breaking Dawn…umm…56 minutes ago. Holy crap, I'm so excited! But since we only have one copy, we're taking turns. And so, I'm writing this.

--

"Reconstructing Dusk!" Emmett shouted out the window of the Cullen home. "I LOVE that book! Wait, it's a book?" Edward smacked himself in the face.

The date had randomly changed for the premiere of the book, so the whole Cullen clan, plus Bella, who was like a Cullen, were going to a Reconstructing Dusk party at the local Forks bookstore. Alice had forced them to all dress up as characters from the book.

Edward was Bell, the vampire boyfriend. Bella was going as Edwarda, the normal human girl, with the power to bite vampires and make them human again.

Alice was going as Jasperceena (A/N: pronounced ja-as-per-see-na) Bell's other sister who could make everyone overly emotional and angry. Jasper was going as Palace, Bell's older brother who could see the past.

Rosalie was dressed as Temmett, Bell's older randomly weak sister. Emmett was going as Mosalie, he was just U-G-L-Y.

Carlisle was dressed as Pill, the half-brother's sister's cousin's ex-husband of Edwarda. And Esme was of course going as Jacoba, Edwarda's ex-best friend.

"Guys, now were are going to be at this thing for three hours." Alice looked over her group, who she personally dressed due to the fact; they couldn't dress themselves on a daily basis. Such as Jasper always seeming to have his pants on backwards everyday. And then there was Emmett who forgot pants all together. So with a special occasion came special needs. "Is everyone ready?"

The whole family nodded. This was going to be interesting. Trapped in a bookstore for three straight hours with crazy Aurora fans. It had become the number sixteenth and half best selling series in the entire county. It was so popular, Alice wasn't sure they'd be able to get in the party.

After a four point seven twelfths ride to the bookstore, the Cullens arrived.

Outside, there were some fan girls and boys standing outside screaming and carrying on about how they were so excited. The place was packed.

"Ugh, we're never going to get in." Rosalie/Temmett actually looked bummed, which frightened Alice/Jasperceena.

"Ahh.." Alice lifted Jasper/Palace and threw him at Rosalie. "YOU ARE NOT ROSALIE! YOU ACTUALLY CARE WHAT'S HAPPENING! OH MY GOD! IT'S PROBABLY JAMES IN DISGUISE! I'LL PROTECT YOU, BELLA!" Alice threw herself in front of Bella, who was staring at a shiny car with Edward.

"It's so shiny…" Bella reached out. "I want to touch it." She ended up tripping and falling face first into a pile of piñata droppings, otherwise know as candy.

"Yuck." Bella wiped the candy from her. "Jasper, clean up after your friends please."

"Oh no, not again" Jasper stood up and pushed Bella out of the way, so he could clean up after his piñata buddies. "No, no." He pointed to the Nerd Rope lying on the ground.

"YAY! IT'S OPENING!" Alice bounced with joy.

The rush of a crowd threw themselves through the door and once inside, the door locked and shut.

A loud booming voice came over the speaker in the bookstore. "Muh ha ha! You are now all my slaves! There was never any new book. I'm just here to steal your money and force you to all do the YMCA for the next eighteen years of your life!"

"Ummm…what the heck?" Edward stared up at the ceiling. "Did anyone else notice that the ceiling tiles are shaped like fairies?"

"Uh-huh." Bella responded.

"THERE'S NO BOOK!" Alice cried. "WHY WOULD THEY DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT?"

"We need to take on the source of this problem." Rosalie interrupted Alice's cries. "We need to find author of Reconstructing Dusk, Stephan Meyersdale."

"But what about the ceiling tiles?" Edward asked. "And the guy who said we have to do the YMCA. And for the record, I don't think Bella's coordinated enough to do the YMCA. No offense."

"None taken." She brushed it off.

The group decided to split up. Half would find Meyersdale, and find out why they lied.  
And the other half would take on the YMCA guy, who they all already realized was Jacob, because who else would be stupid enough leave a nametag on the door to their evil lair.

Edward busted in the door with Bella and Jasper close behind, to find Jake staring at himself in a mirror.

"Hello, beautiful. I missed you." He kissed the mirror.

"Umm…Jake. Can we leave this store, because your demands are kind stupid." Edward flat out asked.

"Why are you interrupting my me time? GET OUT OF HERE!" Jacob opened the doors and everyone left.

"Well that was anti-climatic." Edward said as he, Bella and Jasper strolled out of the store.

--

The second group had crossed the Arizona desert, fought off a pack of wild squirrels, defeated the evil piggy overlord, discovered the thirteenth world wonder, kicked a puppy, met the Doodle Bops, realized that all of the world's problems could be solved with Duct tape and peach cobbler, and found the lost city of Atlantis. All before arriving at Meyersdale's house.

Which was located twelve steps from the bookstore, but since they had a montage of random stuff it just seemed longer.

Alice burst through the door. "WHY ISN'T THERE A NEW BOOK?"

"Umm…excuse me, sir. I think you have the wrong house." Stephan replied.

"NO! YOU WRITE THE AURORA SERIES AND YOU LIED TO ME!"

"Please, sir. Don't yell."

"UGH! CARLISLE TALK TO HIM!"

"Umm…sir, don't be angry."

"Can you please tell us when the next book will be arriving?" Carlisle was staying calm.

"Umm…excuse me, sir, but tomorrow. You really need to read dates better." Stephen held up a sign. "It says August second, but it really means August second isn't the date, but four days later is August second's premier of a premiere of the book, got it?"

They all nodded. It made perfect sense.

"It's a good series, heyna?" Carlisle nodded.

"Thank you." And the Cullens left.

"They do realize I just made that crap up right?" Stephan shrugged. "Oh well."

--

Author's Note: Ok, I started writing this earlier (at like 1 AM). So we've officially had the book for 14 hours now. And I'm 200 or so pages in. I promise not to give anything away. I don't want to spoil it. I'll wait awhile.

Oh yeah, 'heyna' is a term that they use where I live a lot. It means either 'yes' as in the phrase: heyna or no? or 'right' as in the phrase: It's a good book, heyna?. It's just a funny term.

And this chapter is dedicated to everyone I met at the Breaking Dawn party I went to. Also known as: Sanya (My Team Jacob companion), Katrina (Switerland), Liz (for pretending to be our sister), Amanda, Lauren, Paige(though I knew you before), Becca (x2), The Alice impersonator (For talking to us and taking random pictures with us), Laura (for dressing up like Victoria, I think you should have won the costume contest) and everyone else there!


	60. Basketball

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight (Ha, it's so plain). Or the WNBA Or Pokemon. OR Secondhand Serenade.

Author's Note: I just finished Breaking Dawn and I'm still trying to process everything (I'm formulating a opinion about it…I really just don't know) and I really need to sleep, so this is going to be a quickie.

--

"OH MY GOD!" Rosalie looked around the room hoping someone noticed that she just yelled. No one cared though. "OH MY GOD, GUYS!" She shouted.

"What, Rosalie?" Edward finally answered her.

"I JUST REALIZED THAT THE WOLF PACK WOULD MAKE AN _AMAZING _BASKETBALL TEAM!" Rosalie smiled.

"And why are you yelling this?"

"SOMEONE LEFT THE CAPS LOCK ON."

"Oh. Ok. So do you want to call the wolf pack and tell them this riveting information?" She nodded, already with the phone in hand.

"HI, JACOB!"

"_Ummm…why are you calling me? This is kind of creepy. Please hang up the phone."_ Jacob sounded completely freaked out by Rosalie's call.

"BECAUSE, YOU CAN TALK IN ITALICS AND I CAN TALK IN CAPS LOCK!"

"_Oh my god, that's awesome. I didn't think it was possible to actually talk in a certain font. This is amazing!"_ Jacob cheered.

"BUT ANYWAY. I REALLY CALLED TO TELL YOU THAT WE DECIDED TO START A BASKETBALL TEAM. WELL, ACTUALLY IT'S THE WOLF PACK'S BASKETBALL TEAM."

"_Yay italics! Yay basketball!"_

"SO, ARE YOU IN?"

"_Course! I love talking in italics! Bye."_ He hung up the phone

"HE SAID YES! YAY!"

The next day, the wolf pack showed up to see what Rosalie and the Cullens had come up with for this so called _basketball team_.

"_Oh my god. Even the narrator talks in italics! Woo!"_ Jacob was very excited at the fact that I am able to click the mouse on the italics button at the top of my page. _"Aww…they stopped." (A/N: Sorry, Jake.)_

"OK, SO I HAD JASPER SIGN YOU ALL UP FOR THE WNBA LAST NIGHT. ANY QUESTIONS?" Rosalie glanced around the group.

Quil raised his hand. "Umm…One, what's our team name? And two, why did you have him sign us up for the Women's National Basketball Association?"

"OH, IS THAT WHAT THAT STANDS FOR? I THOUGHT IT WAS THE WEREWOLF NATIVE BASKETBALL ASSOCIATION. OH WELL, YOU GUYS PLAY LIKE GIRLS ANYWAY."

Leah grunted. "I resent that."

"OK THEN, LEAH. YOU PLAY LIKE A GUY."

She nodded, accepting it. "Fine. What's our name?"

"UMMM…" Rosalie searched frantically for something to call them.

"R-Pattz Squad!" Bella shouted from the bleachers, where she sat with Edward.

"Hot Stuff!" Emmett's voice broke through.

"Red Team!" Edward joined in.

"Pokemon Party!" Alice said with a laugh.

"Secondhand Serenade!" Bella again.

"Worble!" Emmett yelled out.

Rosalie was getting very irritated by all the stupid names for the team her siblings and Bella were coming up with. "THE NEXT THING I HEAR-"

"Alice, I have to tell you," Jasper stood. "I freaking love you!"

"THAT'S IT YOUR TEAM NAME IS 'I FREAKING LOVE YOU'."

Sam nodded. "Subtle, I like it."

--

The werewolves practiced and become a closer team than before. The Cullens, of course, were at every practice and game. Though the games weren't that difficult for the pack, considering they could just put the ball in the basket, but somehow the team always seemed to lose.

And even when the team really sucked bad, everyone stilled yelled 'I freaking love you!'. Mostly because that was their team name and what else were they going to say?

And every time they cheered they always got the same response from Jake.

"_Oh my god. Italics are incredible!"_

_--_

Author's Note: Ok, that wasn't short. I tried. I'm pretty sure Jake just imprinted on italics now too. XD

Hope you enjoyed! And THANK YOU FOR THE REVIEWS! Woot! Over 600! :D

Oh yeah, kind of funny story. I just found out from my sister that one of her friends read this story, not knowing it was us, and was like "Oh yeah, I was reading this weird story called A Cullen Moment.". My sister was like "Umm...I wrote that." Luckily, she found this funny, so it's all good. lol!


	61. The Movie and Book Ruiner

. thgiliwT oN: remialcsiD Or Jar Jar Binks. Or Jabba the Hutt. Or Any other Star Wars Reference. Or Rob Pattinson. Or Youtube. Or Trivia Pursuit.

Author's Note: Hola, readers! How beith thou? Thy is delightful. So, yeah. This is entire chapter is based off of conversations my sister and I have had with our cousin, Erica (she's helped us so much with this story) about Twilight. Which, because she's five, she's never read. She only knows Edward, Bella and Jacob.

--

Emmett bounced up and down. "Guys! You'll never guess!"

"Knowing you. We won't ever guess it." Edward said with an eye roll.

"Guess!"

"Umm…you're going to be abducted by Jar Jar Binks because you owe Jabba the Hutt money." Edward tried to come up with the most ridiculous thing ever.

"How did you guess?" Emmett seemed completely amazed. "I've been on the run from Jabba since before I met you guys. Would you believe that he sent a bear to maul me?" Emmett huffed some air. "So rude."

Edward was now searching for a exit. "At least he didn't freeze you in liquid carbonite."

"Yeah, I heard that stuff sucks. So, do you want to hear my news or not? Shall I call Jacob and tell him?"

"Oh please do." Edward smiled. He might actually get out of this one.

"No." He waved his arm in Edward's face. "That would be silly. He's poop."

"What?"

"You're full of poop, Edward."

"Ok, this has just gotten ten thousand times weirder. I'm just going to leave now." Edward began to move towards the door.

"Come on, please." Emmett begged.

"Tell me, so I can leave before this gets any freaker."

"Remember that awesome book that came out that we all went to the premier party for?"

"Reconstructing Dusk?"

"No, a better book." Emmett hopped around the room. "That Twilight book."

Edward nodded. He remembered, he'd read it only to realize it was it was his life in novel form, so he didn't read the next two. Though that had been creepy. Edward found the videos of it on Youtube, far creepier. Everyone thought he looked like this Rob Pattinson guy. What was up with that?

Well, he was thankful he wasn't the guy everyone thought Jacob looked like….though from video to video, Jacob always seemed to changed apperance. It was strange, like someone couldn't find clips of the same actor, so they threw in someone random.

And though, he loathed Jacob. He felt bad for him when he'd stumbled across a video that had him being played by a trained acting turkey leg named Spud. In the same video, Edward had been played by a pile of mashed potatoes named Kevin, so maybe the were even.

"Well, there's a fourth book coming out!" Emmett smiled.

"Yay!" Edward and Bella, who fell out of the sky, cheered.

"And Edward's in it!"

"Yay!" They both cheered once more.

"And Jacob's in it!"

"Oh, geez." The two looked really disappointed. "Not again."

"There's a movie coming out too!" Emmett waved his hands in the air.

"WOO!"

"Jake's in that too!"

"Can you cover my eyes?" Edward asked. Emmett shook his head.

"No, Ed. You've got to take this like a man."

"But I'm not stronge enough for that. I'm full of poop, remember?"

"No, Edward. You can do it!" Bella smiled, while hugging him.

"This is going to scar me for the rest of my afterlife."

--

They bought the book and read the book. Skipping all of the Jake parts. (A/N: No detail about the book).

"Yay for skipping Jake!" Edward celebrated.

"Yay for skipping nearly half the book!" Bella danced around.

"Yay for angst!" Jasper jumped in, because he felt he hadn't been represented enough in this chapter.

"_Yay for italics!_" Jake fell out of the sky, like Bella. And was incredibly still speaking in italics.

"Yay for Trivia Pursuit!" Alice threw herself into the cheering.

--

The movie came out in December. The Cullens brought Bella and the movie and book ruiner, Jacob, along.

The Bella on the scene, who looked nothing like the actually Bella. The one on the screen was far too pretty. It was like Bella on beautifying crack. Was getting her car from Billy, Edward caught his first sight of the horrifying Jacob (A/N: I know Jake doesn't drop off the car with Billy, but when I watch behind the scenes, they added that in).

"Ahhh…the horror!" Turning to his left to see the real Jacob. "OH MY GOD! THIS IS A NIGHTMARE!"

"_Hey, you talked in underlined!" _Jacob looked more terrifying.

"OH GOD! THE IDIOTIC-NESS IS SPREADING!" Edward stood up. "MUST ESCAPE!"

"_I love people who can talk in fonts! Come back_!" Jacob chased Edward.

"Hmm…I probably should be concerned." Bella glanced to either side of her. "Speaking in different fonts is pretty awesome, but GOD I'M GORGEOUS!"

"No, you're not." Carlisle cut in.

Bella glared at him.

"I'm sexy, Bella. It's not a crime." Carlisle handed Bella the popcorn. "Hold this it's blocking my sexiness."

--

Author's Note: The whole 'Yay' conversation about Breaking Dawn and Jacob. Is an actual conversation I had with Erica. So yeah…


	62. Glasses

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. Nope, never did and probably never will, so yeah… Or Harvard. Or Bill Gates. Or World of War Craft. Or Demi Lovato. Or Frosty the Snowman. Or Times New Roman. Or The Power Puff Girls.

Author's Note: So today I've had a very eventful day…. I went for a run. We got to talk with Erica. She told us that Sam is a dehumidifier and that Bella is 18 (which is weird, because we've never told her that. She just knew. Creepy). My sister and I read a fanfiction. Here's part of it:

""Thank satan she's gone." we all said in unicorn."- Twila, The Girl Who Waz In Luv With a Vampyre (Wow, I didn't know unicorn was a language! I sure hope they teach that class at my school.)

Ummm…you can decide if we liked it or not (Hint: go with not)

And watched the movie the Covenant. Which was actually pretty good.

--

Books were piled high in the dining room of the Cullen home. Edward noted the mess realizing he'd have to clean it up, because no one in the house besides him and Carlisle actually read.

Edward sighed. "Are you serious?"

"What am I being serious about, Master Masen Cullen?" A voice intruded its way into the room.

Edward spun around. "Emmett? What?"

"What is what? I am merely inquiring of you an answer?" Emmett adjusted the glass on his face, which he didn't need.

"Emmett, why are you wearing glasses?"

"Now, Master Masen Cullen, it is quite rude to reply to a question with another question. But since it would be terribly rude of me to refuse to answer your question due to your utter lack of respect. I shall amuse you with an answer."

He removed his glasses and pulled a handkerchief from his pocket all in one smooth action. He then proceeded to wipe his glasses clean with the handkerchief.

"While I was outside in the yard trying to locate Master Whitlock Hale Cullen, I stumbled across the most peculiar sight." He motioned to his glasses. "These fine crafted spectacles laying unattended in the grass. Curiosity overtook me and I put them on. And all of a sudden I felt a urge to go and apply to Harvard."

Edward's face was not only puzzled, but also concerned for everyone at Harvard that was going to have to read Emmett's entrance essay. God only knows what would have in it.

"You are wondering whether or not I was accepted, correct?" Emmett hit the nail on the head.

"Hey, I'm the mind reader here." _Crap, I think he's stealing my power with his new glasses. I must get them away from him._

"Oh, sorry. I did not mean to offend. And the answer is yes. I was accepted. They said my essay on the prolonged exposure of pandas to Bill Gates was incredible. My successful creation of super intelligent pandas was nothing they have ever seen before. They said that I must be inhuman. To which I laughed."

"Emmett, where did you learn to speak like that?"

"Oh dear Master Masen Cullen, you did not actual think I was some kind bumbling idiot who has not got a clue. No, you are going to be sadly mistaken."

Emmett walked over to the pile of books and lifted one off the top. "Ahh, what a good piece of literature. Sorry, but I must go and read up on my studies before the semester begins. Good-bye." Emmett left.

Edward immediately reached for his cell phone, dialing Bella's number as quick as possible. "Bella?"

"Yes." She replied in hushed and tired tone. "Edward, do you know it's four in the morning? Us humans need to sleep. But anyway, what is it?"

"Ummm…Emmett is smart."

"WHAT? Oh my god. I'll be over as quick as I can!" She hung up the phone.

In record time, Bella was at the Cullen home. Edward listened for her footsteps and opened the door before she knocked.

"Edward." She cried as she threw herself at him. Sobbing into his shoulder. "It's the end of the world. I can't believe it. This is a terrible. I can't bare this."

"Bella, this maybe the end of the world, but don't worry Carlisle had us build an End of the World Shelter in case anything like this ever happened. It's in the backyard." He pointed with his thumb. She nodded.

"How did this happen?" Jasper asked. He could barely believe that the world was going to end before he'd had time to finish World of War Craft. He was going to miss his dwarf, Elvis, so badly. He had a goatee and everything.

Alice focused. She attempted to see the future. "I see burning woodlands and pandas and…" She whispered the next part. "Demi Lovato."

"AHHHHH!" Bella screamed in terror. Only one person could bring that much terror and it was her. With her happiness stealing power, it was hopeless.

"It's alright, Bella." Edward tried to comfort her, but truth be told he was trembling at the news as well. "What should we do, Alice?"

"Well," She tilted her head. "I had a vision of Emmett getting the glasses this morning. It was like in Frosty the Snowman when they put the hat on Frost and he starts busting out some major funky moves. Emmett put on the glasses and instead of saying 'Happy Birthday' and dancing. He said 'pork fried rice' and went to go write a Harvard essay."

"So, we've just got to get the glasses." Edward glanced over to the books. "Esme? Carlisle?"

"Yes." They both responded in unison.

"For the safety of the world, would you be against us messing with Emmett?"

"I find that terribly horrible to do to your brother." Esme replied, but as she did she could hear Emmett reciting the first 542,353,456,455,634 numbers of pi. "But I see nothing wrong with it now."

"Excellent." The Cullens, and Bella, all nodded.

--

"EMMETT!" Rosalie shouted. "EMMETT, COME QUICK! EDWARD IS GOING TO MUG SOME HELPLESS NERD FOR HIS LUNCH MONEY!"

"WHAT?" Being that Emmett was now going to Harvard he felt that he needed to protect all those who may possibly be following in his footsteps. Thus he'd rescue anyone in need, for he was a Harvard student. Ha-Zah!

Emmett pounced his way over the banister to the main floor, only to find Jasper holding Jacob upside down with Edward standing next to him.

"You're my help." Jacob sounded disgusted. "I demand a recount.":

"No recount. Emmett, save him." Edward pointed Jake, who rolled his eyes.

"Why did you guys abduct me from my house anyway. Couldn't you have held someone else upside down?"

"No." Edward turned to him. "And what happened to talking in italics."

"That was so two days ago. I'm talking Times New Roman now."

"DON'T WORRY LITTLE WOLF CHILD! I SHALL RESCUE THOU!" Emmett charged.

"You know, I highly doubt that."

But before Emmett could reach Jake, Esme leaped on his back, pushing him to the ground. Carlisle moved around front and stole the glasses from his face.

"Huh?" Emmett looked confused. "Aren't the Power Puff Girls on right now? Why am I here? Alice, we're missing them!" He complained.

"Well let's go!" She squealed as she pulled Esme off of Emmett, so the two go watch the second greatest show ever.

Carlisle held the glasses. "These are beyond evil. They must be sacrificially burned at the stake." Everyone in the room nodded and Jasper dropped Jake on his head.

"Ow."

And soon, the Cullens created an execution platform and ceremoniously burned the glasses, then danced on the ashes.

--

Author's Note: I don't remember who, but someone said that we should have a chapter where Emmett is accepted to college. I'm sorry to whoever that is, because I really can't remember who it was. So, if it was you. I thank you for the inspiration! :D

Oh yes, and Demi stealing happiness is joke because in Final Fantasy (which I play far too much) there is a move called demi. That takes ¼ of your HP (or heath points). So we decided in Camp Rock she steals ¼ of Shane's HP (or Happiness points).


	63. Strangers

ULTRA DISCLAIMER: This is better than a regular disclaimer because it's ULTRA

ULTRA DISCLAIMER: This is better than a regular disclaimer because it's **ULTRA!** Now feel the wrath of my non-owning Twilight-ness! Or Harvard. Or Demi Lovato.

Author's Note: (crickets) I've got nothing…(glances around) Here we go…

--

Staring at his creation, Emmett's smile grew wider. His time machine was fixed, and this time they were going somewhere.

Jasper strolled through the foyer to find Emmett's invention.

"I thought I trashed that." Jasper reached for his pitchfork to destroy the annoy machine that kept returning.

"NO, JASPY!" Emmett threw himself at Jasper, stopping him from destroying the time machine. "No, please! This isn't just a fridge box, this is a real time machine!"

"How did you get a real time machine?" Jasper put his pitchfork away.

"Well, while I was at Harvard looking at the campus, before I lost my glasses…do you know what happened to them?"

Jasper looking suspicious, laughed nervously as he thought of the sacrificial ceremony they had had the day before. "No." He shook his head.

"Ok then. I saw this and I used my amazing brains I had at the time and came up with a plan and took it."

"You stole from Harvard?" It was more of a statement than a question, but Jasper liked the question mark, so he left it.

Emmett shook his head. "No, I borrowed with no or possibly little intention of returning. Probably the no intention of returning."

"You stole from one of the United States top schools…Emmett…you are a genius underneath."

"AHHHH!" They heard a loud screech. "EDWARD! SOMEONE SAID EMMETT IS SMART AGAIN! OH GOD, NOT DEMI LOVATO!"

"Guys," Edward appeared at the top of the stairs. "Can you stop scaring Bella? She just passed out."

Jasper and Emmett shrugged.

"Is that a time machine?" Edward asked, forgetting entirely about the not conscious Bella in his room. But who cared about her. There was a shiny object to look at in his foyer.

They both nodded at Edward.

Jasper looked at Emmett. "Do you want to try it?" Emmett grinned.

"Yes!" His excitement caused him to almost have a spasm right there. "Let's get everyone who's conscious. So no Bella!"

"YAY!" They all cheered.

--

A couple seconds later, the entire Cullen clan was crammed into Emmett's stolen, but completely AWESOME time machine.

"Where are we going exactly?" Carlisle asked from under Esme and Rosalie. "I have a manicure in twenty minutes."

"Umm…Carlisle, that's kind of weird." Edward replied.

"You think this kind of a sexy is natural…well, actually it is, but who doesn't want to be more gorgeous?"

Jasper, Edward, and Esme raised their hands.

"Ah," Carlisle put his hand to his mouth, taken back. "And I call you family." His voice menacing.

"Don't worry, Carlisle." Rosalie smiled. "I'll always be shallow."

"And that's why you're my favorite." She laughed, knowing it was true.

Alice closed her eyes, letting her visions come. "Emmett, are you taking us to Bella's house…when she was like six months?"

Emmett nodded. "Yup, we're going to kidnap her, so that she doesn't leave Forks ever. Then we're going to bite her now so that all of her problems will be fixed. Smart, huh?"

"Except for the fact that she'll be six months old for eternity."

"Oh, Edward can be a pedophile. In today's society that's considered completely normal."

"Emmett, where do you live?" Alice sounded concerned. "And why do you think child predators are cool?"

"Don't judge me! That's all you people do!" Alice glared at him. "And I call you family!"

"We're here!" Jasper exclaimed.

"How shall we do this?" Emmett pondered. "Subtle or completely obvious?"

"Obvious." They all said in unison.

Upon knocking down the door the Cullens noted something strange. One, this was apparently not Bella's house, but Jacob's. How they had messed that one up was beyond reason.

Only later did they find out at the sign that read 'La Push', Emmett thought it meant la push yourself onward. So he went onward.

And two, the fact that it smelled like goat cheese.

"I don't think we went back far enough." Emmett leaned over to Jasper, who agreed.

The room was empty, except for a small, dark brown-eyed boy, about four years old, sitting with his legs dangling over the edge of the couch with a red toy plane. Clearly it was a baby version of Jacob.

Jake was staring from across the room at them, wide-eyed.

"Oh, Jake was kind of cute as a puppy." Rosalie snickered.

Jake still just stared blankly at them.

"Umm…" Feeling awkward, Edward started to talk to the boy. "We're going to go." Edward turned to leave the staring Jacob, when he heard a cry.

"STRANGERS! STRANGERS!" Jake jumped off the couch, falling over in the process as he tried to find someone. "STRANGERS!"

There was a banging of footsteps, as another boy, who was about eight or so, leaped onto Emmett's back. He bit Emmett.

"Ahhh!" Emmett cried out, as he tried to knock the kid off.

"SAM!" Jacob was now crying. "SAM, THOSE ARE STRANGERS!"

"What's going on down there?" Another voice was heard. One the Cullens knew, Charlie Swan.

Charlie appeared with a tiny, brown haired girl clenching on to his pant leg. "Bella," Charlie placed her on the couch next to the bawling Jacob. "Stay here. Sam, move I have the pepper spray!" Charlie threw himself at the Cullens, who were far too confused to move.

Bella looked at Jacob. "Oh," She slapped him across the face. "Grow up baby."

Edward caught Bella's act. "Aww…I knew I loved her for a reason." His family and Charlie then trampled him.

Emmett had managed to throw the little monkey they called, Sam, to the ground and kicked him in the face. "Let's escape!"

They all ran to the time machine, launching themselves into their seats. They quickly turned the thing around and went straight home.

"So, Alice." Edward turned to her. "Did we change anything?"

"Not that I can see…but…"

--

"Hey, Bella. Do you remember that time when random strangers broke into my house when we were little?" Jake asked out of the blue.

"No." She shook her head.

"Oh, it was really scary." Jake started to cry again.

"Oh, grow up baby." She slapped him.

--

Author's Note: This was inspired by TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes, this what I came up with after reading your last review. I hope you liked it. :D


	64. Capricious Cullens: The Movie

Claimer-Wait, No…I mean…DISclamier: Yeah, no Twilight ownage for me

Claimer-Wait, No…I mean…DISclamier: Yeah, no Twilight ownage for me. Oh well… Or Madonna. Or Photoshopping. Or Demi Lovato. Or All of Camp Rock. Or Hannah Montana.

Author's Note: Oh my goodness! The creepiest thing happened today. So after we wrote the last chapter my sister was online just going from site to site, when message came up that said 'A Message From Baby Jacob'. So of course, she freaked out that Baby Jake apparently read the last chapter and was commenting on it.

But it just ended up being a baby trying to sell retirement funds. Who knew? XD Here's the link: www.ssa.gov/pgm/flash/jacob.htm Warning: the baby is CREEPY!

--

"_Are you prepared?_" The T.V. questioned.

"No." Emmett answered completely and totally immersed in the visuals flashing by on the screen.

"_Well, you better prepare yourself…'Cause"_ The announcer on the T.V. stopped talking so that a new voice could take over.

"It's Cullen Time_._" Carlisle answered the announcer, as he appeared on the screen.

"Guys! It's on!" Emmett yelled. "The trailer for the new Capricious Cullens Movie is on!"

The Cullens raced into the living room, all taking their appropriate spots around the room for T.V. watching. Bella was the last one there; she hopped on Edward's lap.

"Are ready, Edward?" Bella asked.

"Of course." He replied smiling.

"Hush!" Esme tapped Edward on the leg and pointed to the screen.

Edward turned his attention to the screen to watch the rest of the trailer for the new movie of their superhero counterparts.

Carlisle strutted is way up to the camera, when he was at a good distance the motion stopped at it became a picture. Next to his face it read 'V Doc, the Leader'.

There was a white flash and suddenly it showed a scene of Carlisle standing at the end of a long table with his back to the camera. The table was lined with the rest of the Cullen family. Carlisle spun around. "We've got four minutes to save the world."

"Right we do, Madonna." Emmett nodded.

Another flash and the screen changed to Esme pulling some muffins out of an oven. She turned, so you could see her face. And the scene stopped on her face. Again words appeared, 'Free Fall, the Mother'.

Flash.

Esme held up a rocket launcher. "Don't you put mustard in my pea casserole or so help me." Her finger was brushing the trigger.

Flash.

Next person up was Alice. She did a back flip in her entirely spandex outfit. Landing like a cat, Alice struck a pose. A picture, and the words, 'Sightseer, Not a Tourist.'.

Flash.

Alice looked panicked as she glanced frantically around the screen. "I'll get the tramcar."

"The tramcar?" Edward asked.

"Yeah, it had my name on it, 'Sightseer'. So I took as my means of transportation." She smiled.

"A _tramcar?_"

"Shut-up."

Flash.

Then Jasper appeared on the screen. He shook out his fabulous hair, while his piñata friends threw candy around him, like rain it fell. The scene finally paused and read, 'The Stupid Confederate, Deal With It.'.

Flash.

Jasper did thirteen front flips, four back flips, a round off, and a cartwheel, all to outdo his wife, on to his motorcycle. He began to put on his helmet.

"Where are you going?" Alice demanded.

"To buy milk." He spoke in a determined voice, and then his motorcycle tipped over with him on it.

Flash.

Rosalie was standing in front of a mirror gawking at herself. This picture froze quickly and read, 'Sexy Babe, Whoa Baby!'.

Flash.

"Hey, Rose." Emmett tickled her neck.

Umm…CENSORED.

Flash.

Edward was just kind of standing awkwardly.

"Do something epic, Edward." Emmett's voice from behind the camera was heard.

So Edward, made a ridiculously creepy happy face, which was what they paused on, with words that read, 'Spedward/Influenza Boy…that's just they way he rolls."

Flash.

A clearly Photoshopped picture of Edward and Jacob kissing appeared on the screen.

"Emmett…wait don't want to know." Edward walked away.

Flash.

"_And starring…"_The announcer was back again.

Emmett showed up on the screen dancing with Bella and Jake. The picture paused on Emmett's face.

"_Super Emmett, The Ultimate Hero of All Time."_ The announcer gloated.

Flash.

There were sound barrier splitting screams. Emmett ran in.

"Never fear." He put his hands on his hips. "I remembered my pants today."

"Ahhhh! He's so feminine!" The screamers cried.

Flash.

"_Are you ready for the greatest family of superheroes of all time?"_

Flash.

"Edward! Help!" Bella shouted through her tears. "Jake's been possessed by Demi Lovato!"

Jake came out of nowhere with a Demi wig singing off-key. "We rock. We rock. We rock. ON!"

Edward looked on in horror. He'd just ruined his favorite song.

Flash.

"_Is the world ever really ready?"_

Flash.

"OH MY GOD!" Esme looked at Carlisle. "It's Tuesday."

Flash.

"_Can they band together to stop the ultimate evil?"_

Flash.

"Edward, Demi has it out for me." Bella sobbed. "She wants to we rock me so much that this won't be me."

"Don't worry, we're too cool for her." Edward tried to comfort her.

"Two stars are better than one." Bella agreed.

Flash.

"_Will the choice between friends and the world be too hard?"_

Flash.

"Alice, it's either the piece of toast, which is me, or stop Hannah Montana for overthrowing the president. Make your choice." Jasper crossed his arms. Alice gasped.

Flash.

"_Will true love stop them?"_

Flash.

Emmett stared at the piece of chalk in his hand. "I love you." He leaned his head on top of the chalk. "You're so pale like me. You understand."

Flash.

"_Or will they just not care?"_

Flash.

"Seriously," Rosalie was on camera. "Stop taping me! I don't want to be in this stupid movie! Emmett, stop loving the chalk and come help me!"

Flash.

"_The movie event of forever is Capricious Cullens: The Movie."_

Flash.

"Oh god." Rosalie looked disgusted as she looked at herself in the mirror with Jake behind her looking at himself too. "This is a movie. Where's my publicist?"

"_Coming December twelfth thousand and eight. Be there or…"_

Flash.

"I've got a freaking rocket launcher." Esme grinned. "I win." She shot it off.

--

Author's Note: Again this was a request, but I can't remember who. So, if it was you, thanks so much for the inspiration! Sorry, I can't remember your name.

And Demi Lovato is going to be the end of us. Lol!


	65. America's Next Top Model

Disclaimer: No Twilight for me

Disclaimer: No Twilight for me. Or America' s Next Top Model or anything related to it. Or Little Debbie's. Or Krispy Kreme. Or Burnin' Up….Yeah.

Author's Note: My sister and I watched America's Next Top Model and this is what happened…

--

Rosalie was definitely the most gorgeous girl this competition had ever seen. Every picture she took was flawless and she radiated top model potential. She just had two more people to take down and she was the winner.

Tyra Banks stood watching the girls line up at the other end of the room. It was judging time.

The girls had had to take a picture where they were slipping into the lava and they were trying to keep from going in under. Their photos were hot. Literally.

The other two girls had suffered severe third degree burns, but they both said it was well worth it to become the next top model.

No one questioned why Rosalie didn't burn, or why she somehow floated above the lava.

Tyra kept her head straight on the girls as she spoke the prize. "8 dollars." They were low on funds. "A modeling contract with Little Debbie's." Yummy. "And a full half box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts." Mmmm…doughnuts.

"Now, let's review your photos." Tyra looked at the girls. "Mikayla, you're first."

Mikayla walked up and was told how completely horrible she was. She was told she was fat and that no one would ever want her to model for them. Mikayla bit her lip and then replied. "…Manifest Destiny."

"Thank you, Mikayla." Tyra said and Mikayla returned. "Marina."

The other girl walked up. The judges told her how, like her sister, she was utterly awful and should never model again. She tried to remind them that she was a former beauty queen, but they threw a shoe at her head.

Marina ducked and walked back to the line.

"And finally, Rosalie."

Rosalie stepped forward.

"You're picture was absolutely inhumanly gorgeous." The judges raved. "You truly are America's Next Top Model." Rosalie smiled, knowing it was true. She turned and went back to the line up.

"Now, please leave so we can judge." Tyra motioned for the girls to leave and they did.

--

IN THE WAITING AREA

"You both suck. Really bad." Rosalie noted. And then all of a sudden, she felt thirsty and leaped on top of Marina and killed her. Mikayla smiled like there was nothing wrong.

--

JUDGING ROOM

"Mikayla and Marina both suck like vacuum cleaners, but this Rosalie girl is far too abnormally beautiful. I say we kick her off and give a crappy girl the title." Nigel spoke.

"Excellent idea." Tyra agreed.

Twiggy nodded.

--

The thr-, I mean, two girls returned.

"Hey, where's Marina?" Tyra asked.

Rosalie was wiping the evidence from her face. "The bathroom."

"Why is there blood on your mouth?"

"Oh silly me. I forget to wipe my fruit punch mustache again. Oh, how embarrassing?" She laughed manically.

"FRUIT PUNCH! I WANT SOME!" Mikayla shouted. Rosalie elbowed her in the side breaking all of her ribs. "Ow."

"Now, since there are only two of you." Tyra started. "We're going to just do the finale now. The winner of America's Next Top Model is…"

"ROSALIE!" Alice and Carlisle said, bursting through the entrance, both looking terribly sad. "I'm sorry, Rosalie." They tried to comfort her.

"Umm…what the heck are you doing here?"

"You're going to lose. So we came to comfort you. And to stop you from killing Marina." Alice said with concern.

"Umm…I haven't lost yet. And nice job with Marina."

Tyra cleared her throat. "America's Next Top Model is…Excuse me sir, what's your name?"

"Carlisle." Carlisle answered.

"Carlisle!" Tyra announced.

"OH MY GOD!" Carlisle began to tearlessly sob. "I can't believe it! I mean! I'm America's Next Top Model! You love me! Oh thank you!" He shook everyone's hands.

Rosalie now madder than ever turned to Mikayla and literally bit her head off.

"Now, Rose. Don't be a sore loser." Alice scolded.

Rosalie roared and ran away, killing everyone that came in a two hundred foot radius of her.

"I'M AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL!" Carlisle cried to the heavens.

--

Mikayla and Marina later regained their blood and Mikayla reattached her head and then went on to write a fanfiction depicting their time in America's Next Top Model.

--

Author's Note: Yay! Jonas Brothers! XD

Oh yeah, Marina and Mikayla are us, if you don't already know.


	66. Playground

Disclaimer: thaqoefhwhagkahhgc hfaofhghkaf hgoenwoan

Disclaimer: thaqoefhwhagkahhgc hfaofhghkaf hgoenwoan. Oh sorry. I meant to say. I don't own Twilight. Or the Jonas Brothers. Or the song 'Year 3000'. Or Little Debbie. Or Phantom of the Opera (such a good musical).

Author's Note: So my mom and two aunts went to some women's outdoor adventure camp over the weekend and left my sister and I at my Nana's along with my cousins Erica (she's everywhere) and Amy. Yeah, it was interesting… There were skeletons, goldfish crackers, outhouse racing (I'm completely serious…We to see people race outhouses on wheels), random Twilight reenactments, a playground, and much more. I just thought I'd tell you guys where we were.

--

The local Forks playground was just a few blocks down the street from the high school. It was the place young children and their parents or sitters would come and play their hearts out.

And one day, this park wasn't only appealing to children, but also a herd of vampires and some other random people, who seem to just randomly show up every chapter for no real reason. (A/N: coughJakecough)

"It's BEAU-TI-FUL!" Emmett exclaimed. "They say I'm too old for playgrounds, but I'm in love." He pulled his piece of chalk from his pocket. "Sorry, Chalky. But the monkey bars are just a little more durable than you. I still love you though." He kissed the piece of chalk.

"Emmett," Edward began. "I may have doubted you before, but I love you." He hugged him.

"I know." Emmett stared out in front of him. "I love me too."

"Guys," Bella called from behind them. Emmett spun around with Edward still hugging him. "Why are we at a playground?"

"Bella!" They both seemed surprised.

"How could you ask something like that?" Edward sounded shocked. "It's not just a playground, but a magically land of imagination just waiting for us to discover. Right, Emmett?"

"Magic land…" Emmett looked like, if it was possible, he'd just imprinted on the playground-I mean- _Magic Land._

"OH MY EDWARD CULLEN!" Out of nowhere, Jake appeared holding a mirror in one-hand and fish net stockings in the other. "Italics! I missed the italics!"

"Guys, this doesn't even make sense anymore!" Bella shouted. "Aren't these strange things you guys do supposed to make sense? This seems entirely too random."

"They are not random, Bella. Don't be silly." Jake waved off her confusion.

"JAKE, HOW THE HECK DID YOU EVEN GET HERE?" She sounded irritated.

He looked around. "I. Don't. Know." He glanced around again. "But, if I had to guess, I'd say it was the Jonas Brothers. Yeah, the Jo Bros did it."

Bella raised an eyebrow. "The Jonas Brothers?"

"Yes." He nodded wildly. "I was listening to my favorite song 'Year 3000', when my neighbor Peter said he went to the year 3000. You know, not much has changed except they lived underwater. And your great-great-great-granddaughter is doing fine. Just so you know."

"Jake, what in the heck are you babbling on about?"

Jacob turned his head, as if being called. "My italics sense is tingling. Sorry, Bella, but I must respond." He spun around, changing into tights and a mask. "Ninja Shark Wolf Italics Boy AWAY!" And with that, Jake flew away.

"Oh right. Everyone's a superhero, but me." Bella pouted.

"Bella, come play with us!" Emmett yelled. She looked at them and gave in.

Edward was sitting on one end of the teeter-totter. "Bella, sit on the other end. We're going to play ultra amazing teeter-totter games."

"Edward," She sat down on the other end, she was shot up into the air on the seat as she did. "I think we should leave. This place is making you all really stupid. Or maybe I should just keep you away from Emmett." She pointed to Emmett, who was rocking on a rocking frog next to Jasper who was on the pony he'd always wanted.

"Yeah, it's Emmett." Bella decided.

"You're being silly, Bella." Edward bounced her again. This time she got throw into the tree behind her. She fell out of the tree and went and sat right back on the tetter-totter. "This place is magical." He smiled.

"Yeah, really stupid." She concluded.

"I play winner on the teeter-totter!" Alice walked over to the two of them.

"It's a teeter-totter, Alice." Bella was confused for about the fifteenth time today. "No one wins."

"No, wait." Edward pushed his weight hard down on his seat, throwing Bella into the air about 253453434634534535 feet. "I win." Alice hopped on the empty side.

"Jasper." Esme voice was the next thing heard on the playground. "Why are you on something so dangerous?" She pointed to the rocking pony. He shrugged. "You are a newborn. Get over in the baby swing now! Carlisle will push you."

Jasper did as he was told. He didn't buckle himself in.

"Jasper. Are you trying to cut yourself apart and light yourself on fire?" Esme asked, very angered by his carelessness.

"How am I going to cut myself up and light myself on fire by not buckling?" Jasper asked.

"You are going to fly off the swing into a contently placed wood chipper, which will then spontaneous combust! It will be horrible!" Jasper gasped, while buckling himself in before Carlisle could start pushing him. Luckily, Carlisle was being blocked by tens of thousands of adoring fans that saw him posing on the Little Debbie cupcake box.

Emmett had long since forgotten his rocking frog and was now waiting in line for the slide behind 435432654 small children. He didn't have this kind of patience to wait, so he decided to do the honest and nice thing, he knocked the kids out of the way with his brute strength.

He made it to the position of next in line, one more person and he'd get to ride.

Emmett shoved the boy out of the way. "Hey." The kid complained.

Emmett realized he knew the voice. It was Jake. "I thought you flew away to fight crime or something."

"I have no idea what you're talking about." Jake brushed himself off. "I've been here waiting for my turn."

"Aren't you Ninja Shark Wolf Italics Boy?"

"No." Jake turned the contently placed camera. "Or am I?"

Emmett stuck his face in the camera next to Jake's. "This is weird."

"Yeah."

"So, I'm going to go." Emmett pushed Jake into the camera, knocking him over the side of the playground tower. He heard Jacob crying. "Aww…that was fun."

Rosalie walked over to Jacob on the ground. "You cry a lot." She kicked him. "Do you have a mirror by any chance?"

"Yes!" Jake perked up. "How else am I going to see my favorite person?" He pulled his mirror and faced it towards himself. "Hey there. Where have you been all my life beautiful?"

"Yeah. Don't care." She kicked him in the stomach and took the mirror. Jake began to cry that he'd lost the love of his life, his reflection.

Looking at herself in the mirror, Rosalie came up with a conclusion about this entire chapter. "That was completely random…OH MY GOSH! I'M GORGEOUS!"

"Not as gorgeous as me though." Carlisle stole the mirror and ran away.

"Hey!" Rosalie chased after him.

"Don't fight!" Esme followed.

Edward and Alice shrugged and walked ran to catch the group. Grabbing the limp body of Bella on the way.

"Aww…we're leaving!" Emmett went to catch the family.

"Hey, how am I going to love myself, if I can't see myself?" Jacob stopped crying and joined the chase scene.

That left little Jasper all alone at the park without his parental units. And being just a newborn, he mauled everyone there.

--

"Ok, was it just me or was that just strange?" Bella asked once she was conscious.

"Yeah, it was." Edward agreed. "Let's do something normal."

Five seconds later, they all sat down and watched _Phantom of the Opera_.

"Has anyone else noticed this storyline is very much like the story of my life?" Bella asked.

"Am I Raoul? Edward asked.

"Course. And Jacob is the Phantom. Because…"

"He's ugly." Edward finished.

"Bella, shut up." Jake cut in. "We only added this part to make the ending not weird."

"Sorry…_He's there the phantom of the oper-"_ She whispered.

"That's it." Jacob became his superhero self and flew away.

"That was not a weird at all!" Alice smiled.

--

Author's Note: I had a request from bella and alice to put Phantom of the Opera somewhere in here, so that's how I tried to tie it in.

Oh and THANK YOU GUYS! OVER 700 REVIEWS! Thank you so much! I love you guys even more than I did before! And I may just proclaim my love for each one of you soon! Thanks so much!


	67. Backwards Day

Disclaimer: Contacts, yes

Disclaimer: Contacts, yes. Beauty Queen Crown, yes. State Track Medal, yes. Braces, yes (unfortunately…). Twilight, nope…. Or Cosmo Girl. Or Cedric Diggory.

Author's Note: Ha-Zah! This chapter gets kind of confusing. Just remember who everyone is playing, ok?

--

Emmett ran downstairs, tripping over Bella as he did. "That was weird. Aren't you usually the one to trip?" He looked at her.

"It's backwards day, Emmett. I don't trip today, but all of you guys." She pointed to all of the Cullens in the room. "Do." She smiled.

"Backwards day…" Emmett cupped his chin. "OH MY GOD! That's awesome! And since its backwards day we should do things backwards!"

"No duh, Emmett." Edward smacked himself in the face.

"Therefore. Since we only ever have adventures with just us vampires, we should invite the humans over and they could be vampires for a day and have an adventure and we came be the useless humans!"

"I call being Mike!" Jasper appeared out of nowhere. "He's so cool. I always wanted to nibble on him."

"That was a little disturbing, Jasper. The last part, I mean." Edward stated.

"Yeah, but you can't deny that he sure looks like one tasty morsel." Jasper licked his lips.

"Can we please stop talking about Mike like he's an appetizer?" Bella asked.

"No. He's more of a main course." Edward walked over and hit Jasper.

"No one is eating Mike."

"Except for me." Edward smacked Jasper again. "Fine, I won't eat him until he's out of college. Then he'll be brain food."

"Anyway," Emmett cut in before anyone else could speak. "Let's get those humans over here!" He ran out the door to kidnap the local human children.

"What about me?" Bella questioned. "I'm human."

Alice jumped next to her. "You get to be me and I'll be you." Alice proceeded to walk one step and then perform a face plant.

Bella danced gracefully around the body of Alice. "Shopping, shopping. I love shopping." She sang.

Soon enough, Emmett returned with the humans. He tossed them all into a pile.

In the pile were: Mike, of course, Angela, Ben, Jessica, Tyler, Eric, Lauren, and Conner (A/N: Because he does _so_ much! He does absolutely nothing, like Phil, he's just there).

"I'm Angela." Rosalie walked over and lifted Angela from the pile of bodies.

"This is very strange. Hi, Bella!" Angela waved from over Rosalie's shoulder.

"No." Rosalie smacked her hand. "If you're going to be me, we don't associate ourselves with the likes of them. We only associate ourselves with ourselves."

"That's seems a little harsh." Angela crossed her arms.

"You know, I'm trading you. I'm Lauren." Throwing Angela back into the pile, Rosalie lifted Lauren. "And what do you have to say for yourself?" She asked Lauren.

"Bella's a freaking prostitute." Lauren replied in usual disgusted tone.

"I love you." Rosalie threw her over her shoulder. "Let's go." And they left.

"I'll be Eric." Emmett screamed as he pulled Eric off the top of the pile.

"Yay! People like me!" Eric smiled.

Edward looked at who was left in the pile. He had to choose someone. "Angela and Ben would you like to come with me. I have a feeling I'm going to be a two person job."

Ben and Angela exchanged glances and followed Edward. Leaving, Tyler, Jessica, and Conner for Esme and Carlisle.

Esme choose Conner and Tyler because she didn't want them to get lonely. And that left Jessica with Carlisle.

--

Two and half hours later, the new Cullens were ready for their first and only adventure on backwards day.

Bella looked over the group. "Ok, so you guys ready for another adventure?"

"More pep, Bella!" Alice coached.

"Oh right." Bella put on a fake smiled and clapped her hands together. She was dressed as if she was Alice and was trying to get all the mannerisms down. "LET'S GO TEAM!" Alice gave her a thumbs up.

"Aww…that sounds so depressing. I'm depressed." Mike pretended to sulk.

"Little less sulk, my tasty chicklet." Jasper called to Mike.

"Ok. Depressed, but happy." Mike smiled. Jasper was licking his lips.

"You guys are all really strange." Ben started and Angela finished.

"Yeah, real odd." She snapped her fingers.

Edward rolled his eyes. "I said, I'm somewhat feminine at times. I don't snap my fingers. I just carry a man bag and put my hands on my hips."

Bella ran over and slapped Edward. "I thought we broke you of that habit."

"You guys are really terrible at breaking habits. Remember when you tried to housebreak Jacob. He still pees on the carpet." Edward sighed. "You can't teach an old dog new tricks."

"And you can't teach a wolf boy to not wet the carpet." Bella sighed too. "This is truly a sad day."

"Bella," Alice tripped. "You're me. Happy!"

"Oh right." Bella smiled. "This day sucks, Edward!" He smiled and nodded too. "Why are you smiling?"

"I'm Angela. Go back with the group." Edward pointed.

Jessica stroked her chin. "Hmm…yes, interesting. I see. I do believe you are suffering from a case of lack of housebreaking." Jessica was talking to Jake, who seemed to always randomly appear.

"Jessic-" Bella was cut off.

"Dr. Carlisle Cullen, if you please. Now let's start this adventure."

Eric bounced, he was the closest to character. "Yeah! We're going to drink blood and feed on helpless animals!"

The Cullens, pretending to be humans, all cringed.

"Let's go!" Eric yelled. And the new, revamped Cullen family followed after him.

The group was able to take down a grizzle bear, three mountain lion, and a trout. Eric bite into the grizzle bear and began to suck its blood.

"Ummm…Eric?" Bella looked confused and concerned. "You don't have to do everything the Cullens do."

Eric hissed at her, blood pouring from his mouth. "It's delicious."

"I'm sure, but I really don't-" Bella stopped and pounced on a deer walking by.

And soon the herd of humans was a pack of bloodthirsty humans pretending to be vampires.

Eric stood above a carcass of a deer. "When in Rome." He pounced on the deer.

--

Back at the Cullen home, the old Cullens were becoming increasingly bored with their new identities.

"Want to call the wolf pack and switch with them?" Edward suggested.

They all nodded. And soon, Edward was Sam, Emmett was Jacob, Jasper was Embry, who was apparently just as tasty as Mike to him, Esme was Leah, Rosalie was Quil, Alice was Paul and Carlisle was Jared.

--

The humans pretending to vampires returned home, smelling of fresh blood. While the vampires who were pretending to be humans who then decided they would be pretend to be the wolf pack smelled of muffins.

As the humans entered, Emmett growled and got into attack position and then threw some water under him to look like he'd wet the carpet.

"Oh my!" Tyler and Conner said. "Jacob out of the house!" The both said, pointing to the door. Emmett's head fell and he left.

"Wait!" Bella screeched as she chased Emmett/Jacob out the door. "I need you to stop these dang headaches!"

Jasper and Edward stood and growled. "Grr…. Leave now."

"Now, now." Jessica walked to the front of the group. "No fighting."

Edward looked around. "This is so stupid, Jasper."

"I know. Someone get Emmett."

"I'm right here!" Eric raised his hand.

"No, someone go get Jacob." Jasper smack himself in the face. "I feel like Edward."

"Welcome to the stupidity that is my afterlife." Edward patted him on the back.

The retrieved Emmett and now they had to all switch back, which was really confusing since the Cullens switched twice.

"Well," Carlisle, who was now Carlisle again, said. "I believe you'll have to go talk to Sam to retrieve your identities."

And so, the human pretending to be the wolf pack went to see the wolf pack that was pretending to be the humans.

--

"We refuse, sista." Sam gave Bella who was pretending to Paul, the snaps. "You guys are just gonna halfa deal with it."

"Please, Sam/Angela/Ben." Conner and Tyler, who were pretending to be Leah begged.

"Oh poo. Fine, we can switch. But I'm keeping the Cosmo Girl magazine."

"Done." Bella, who was now Bella, shook his hand and then tripped into a pile of sharp rocks, which magically became a fluffy pillow before she hit. She turned to see Cedric Diggory. She fan girl screamed.

--

Author's Note: The humans were a request by TeamVampire. I hope you enjoyed it! :D


	68. Magical

Disclaimer: Nope, no Twilight

Disclaimer: Nope, no Twilight. Yawn…Or Anything Harry Potter Related. Or Sabrina the Teenage Witch. Or Keebler Elves.

Author's Note: I'm awfully tired. I've decided that it will be ok now to add some slight details about Breaking Dawn. It's been a week…I'm not going to go into any big detail, but one that I found weird. It really didn't have anything to do with the plot, it just was brought up a couple times.

So, I say now, WATCH OUT a completely random detail about Breaking Dawn!

--

Jake was sitting outside the Cullen home doing nothing in particular. Just sitting and waiting, and waiting and sitting; nothing else. Did I mention he was sitting? Because he was.

"Hi, Jake!" Bella screamed. She waved wildly. "What are you doing?"

"Sitting and waiting. Or if you prefer. Waiting and sitting." He responded.

"Oh that's cool. So how's the whole magic thing working out for you?"

"Bella, I told you I'm not magically! And don't say it so loud! Do you remember when you told Emmett I was a magically genie and he tried to stuff me into a lamp? And he kept calling my Sabrina the teenage witch!" Jake looked panicked.

"No." Bella said with fake innocence. She giggled at the memory. "Well since we all know that you're really a magical creature"

"That's news to me." He muttered.

"We signed you and Edward up to go to a magic school! Hogwarts!" She smiled, jumping up and down.

"Umm…Bella, one I'M NOT A FREAKING MAGICAL CREATURE! Nor do I intended to become one. And two, why the heck is Edward going?"

"One, yes you are. You're like…" She paused. "Harry Potter. Yeah, that's who you are. You Jacob Black are Harry Potter in disguise. And two, Edward wants to go. He said there's some tri-wizard thing he wants to compete in (again). I told him to tell Cedric Diggory hi for me. He's so cute!"

"Who the heck Cedric Diggory?" Every Cullen standing in hearing distance stopped what they were doing with their jaws dropped. Jacob must be stupid or something. Everyone knew Cedric. "Is he that guy the sent those wild fan girls at me?" Bella nodded.

"I thought you liked girls now because of that?"

"Yeah, but…" Jacob sighed. "Those women were _wild_. Yay italics." He smiled. The Cullens let out a sigh of relief, now knowing that Jacob remembered Cedric.

"That was close." Emmett wiped some non-existent sweat from his brow.

"So, are you going to go?" Bella put her hands on her hips, which was fine for her because she was a girl.

"Do have to wear a black robe and a Carlisle scarf?" Jake asked with a eye roll.

"Yes, you do." Edward appeared from nowhere. "But you should know that already, Potter."

Edward was wearing the exact black robe Jacob had envisioned along with a scarf that looked as if Edward had robbed Carlisle. He also held a wand, which was pointed at Jacob. His eyes were stern.

"Mmmm…Kay. Not Potter or Harry here." Jake put his hands up like he was being arrested.

"Come on. Fight me like a man, Potter." Edward said in a random British accent. What was up with that?

"Are you supposed to be Cedric Diggory?" Jake asked as he tried to back away from all the crap.

"Correct, Potter. Now let's duel. You let Voldemort have a cheap shot and kill me, so I do believe I deserve to fight you. And plus then you were hysterical over my body and wouldn't let anyone touch. Which I might add was a little odd. It like you loved me or something. Oh well…" Edward cleaned his wand with a cloth. "Come, Harry!"

"Not Harry!"

"No, Edward." Carlisle came over to the group. "He's not Harry Potter as much as we'd all like him to be. But his is magically." Carlisle danced around Jake which was even more disturbed than being called Harry Potter. "He's like a unicorn!"

Emmett's eye lit up. "OH MY CARLISLE CULLEN! Jake, you're a unicorn?" Emmett stopped for a second. "You must be. We can ride you. You prance around. You have pretty fur…." Emmett's voice drifted off.

"See, you're a unicorn." Carlisle concluded.

"No, I'm apparently some kind of shape-shifter because just randomly Edward has to know that I'm a shape-shifter. Why the heck was he the only one to know? Huh? When that cactus (A/N: Guess who?) guy or whatever his name was asked if we bred mutants here. I was tempted to say no. We bred vegetarian vampires, confused shape-shifters and Keebler Elves."

"Keebler Elves?" Emmett sounded confused, yet excited. "Who's an elf?"

"Well considering everyone else in my life is mythical creature." Bella began. "Edward is both a vampire and wizard. And I just found out Jacob is a unicorn. I guess I could deal with a elf."

"I'll let my good friend tell you." Jake motioned to the woods, where Mike appeared with a chef's hat on and was holding a batch of cookies.

"Does anyone have any brown sugar?" Mike asked.

"Mike, you're a Keebler Elf?" Bella scratched her head.

"Well, of course, Bella. How else do you think I became that popular? My cookies are da bomb!"

"That makes sense." Bella smiled. "Welcome to the Forks family of Freaky Mythical Creatures."

"Thank you, Bella. Would you like a cookie?" She nodded.

Edward snorted. "I have to go pack for Hogwarts. And so do you," He pointed at Jake. "Harry Potter! It was a cheap shot and you shall pay!" Edward waved his wand, making a pot then he waved his wand again smashing it. "Goodbye, Potter."

"I'm NOT Harry Potter!" Jake yelled.

"Of course you're not." Bella assured him. "Harry is a human. You're definitely a unicorn."

Jacob threw his hands in the air and left.

--

Author's Note: For everyone who wanted more Cedric.

The thing in Breaking Dawn is the fact that Carlisle and Bella are trying so hard to convince Jake that he's magically. I kept thinking that they are just telling him he's Harry Potter. And why did Edward only know they were shape-shifters? Did no else, but him catch on?

Oh yes, and Mike has been a Keeble elf to us since we finished Eclipse. We decided everyone in Bella's life must be some kind of mythical creature. And that was Mike.


	69. Gorgeous

Disclaimer: No Twilight at all

Disclaimer: No Twilight at all. Or The Fray. Or Guinness Book of World Records

Author's Note: Happy Two Month Anniversary story! I can't believe it's been two months since we committed ourselves to you. How time flies…

--

"Bella?" Edward looked her straight in the eyes.

"Edward?" She stared back into his eyes.

"Will you date me?" Edward asked.

Bella scrunched her face. "Well…umm…Edward, I'm sorry, no, I don't want to date you."

"WHAT?" He sounded both wounded and glad. "I save you from a getting crushed by a car! Then I don't let you get raped! Next I save you from James! Then I abandoned you in the woods and let you wither away until you were just a shell!"

"Excuse me." She raised her hand. "How is that a positive?"

"You learned how miserable you are without me. Believe me. It was good for your mental well-being."

"Oh, ok."

"Now, where was I? Oh yeah. I save you from being killed by the Volturi! Then I killed Victoria for you! Do you realize how hard that was considering we were more than mortal enemies?" He shouted.

"Wait, what?" Bella's eyes were wide.

"Yeah, her and I…we were…we'll here. I have a montage of our relationship. All we need is some The Fray in the background and this will be a party." Almost on cue, the song 'How to Save a Life' began to play. "Now, let's watch the montage on this movie screen Jasper conveniently set up four seconds ago."

Edward wrapped his arm around Bella and pressed play starting the montage.

The song was now at it's chorus as the first scene appeared, Victoria walking into the meadow with James and Laurent. Her red hair flowing in the wind, her graceful steps, the blood running from her mouth and- Bella stopped describing the scene, realizing something.

"Victoria was gorgeous!" Bella realized.

"Yes! You see my point! We were more than just mortal enemies. We were gorgeous and us gorgeous people got to stay together."

"Is that why everyone in Forks and its surrounding area are all ridiculously beautiful?" (A/N: Has anyone else noticed when ever Bella describes someone, everyone in Forks seems to be so darn gorgeous? It must be the place with the most beautiful people on the planet!)

"Right. Because you seemed to point out to everyone how incredibly, amazingly stunning everyone in Forks is. I realized that Victoria belongs here. In with the gorgeous people!" Edward skipped to the next scene in the montage.

It was when Edward fought and killed Victoria. Her decapitated head rolled over to Bella.

Bella shivered as she saw the head again. _Dang her beauty!_

Edward quickly and swiftly left the room and then returned in a blink of an eye.

"Never fear. I kept her head." He held up Victoria's head and as he did in probably the freakiest thing Bella has ever seen. Victoria's head re-grew a body. Why it had taken so long was yet to be determined, but whatever the case Victoria was now standing naked with them in the room.

Emmett ran into the room. "HOLY RAVIOLI! IT'S VICTORIA! SHE'S SO DAZZLING! IT BURNS!" He fell to the ground writhing in pain at her prettiness.

At that moment there was a loud knock at the door. Alice opened to the door to find Jake and some reporter chick.

"Hello, I'm here from the magazine _Holy Ravioli! She's so Dazzling!._ I'm doing my report on Forks, the most stunning place in the world." The woman smiled.

Alice looked at Jacob. "She said she had candy." He replied to her look.

They both walked in.

"Take me to the beauty!" The reporter commanded. Alice opened the door to the room where Victoria, Edward and Bella were.

"Ahh! Naked vampire!" The reported looked at him. "I mean…Naked woman! Ahh!" Jake fainted.

Victoria's eyes were black and fiery as she stared at the human reporter.

"May I interview you?" The reporter asked Victoria.

"Sure, love." Victoria was now dangerously close to the woman.

"How are you this incredibly good-looking? Is it heredity? Is there something in the water here?"

"I _will_ drink you blood and clean the evidence from my face with your flesh." Victoria stared.

"Huh?" The woman replied.

"I mean." Victoria smiled. "I'm from Texas."

"Oh, of course."

"I _shall _eat your babies. And _devour_ your heart." Victoria took step forward, before being attacked from behind.

"YOU ARE FAR TOO BEAUTIFUL TO BE IN MY HOUSE!" Carlisle yelled as he beat Victoria with the broom and Esme got her with the dustpan. "I CAN'T HAVE COMPETITION!"

Carlisle and Esme now mangled Victoria on the floor after a brutal beating, and once they were done with her, Rosalie walked in.

"MY SHALLOW DAUGHTER! YOU CHALLENGE MY BEAUTY! DIE!" Carlisle and Esme attacked her.

Edward and Bella had at this point given up being in this chapter and enlisted the report to play Go Fish.

"Got any threes?" Edward asked.

"Yes, how did you know?" The reporter asked. "It's like you're a mind reader or something…. a sexy mind-reader, won't that be something?"

"No, it was just a lucky mind-reader guess."

"Oh, ok." The kept up with the game.

Carlisle and Esme were done with Rosalie.

Carlisle glanced around. "We must rid this town of all those who oppose my beauty! Come, Esme!" Carlisle and Esme hopped out the window.

--

Five days later, the magazine president of _Holy Ravioli! She's so Dazzling _stopped by to award the mayor of Forks the award for the most beautiful people in the universe. But upon arriving, he noted the mangled bodies and random corpses everywhere.

And thus, they quickly scratched out 'most beautiful' and wrote 'most used to be beautiful'.

Jasper then appeared from the sky and the heavens parted creating a heavenly spectacle.

"OH MY! He's so dazzling!" The president fainted. And then was attacked by a rabid bunny, chewed on by a raccoon, found Noah's ark and then was bitten by Victoria. Who is now just running around Forks.

On the bright side though, someone called the Guinness Book of World Records and Forks won for the most mangled bodies in one parking lot!

--

Author's Note: I have no idea what that just was…I don't like it.

Anyway, THANK YOU guys for all of your reviews and stuff! Hugs!


	70. Game Show

Disclaimer: I ain't got no Twilight ownership

Disclaimer: I ain't got no Twilight ownership. Or the song 'Bust a Move'.

Author's Note: … Breaking Dawn spoilers….You've been warned….I'll put a warning at the start of the chapter if there is spoilers.

--

Bella rested her head on Edward's stomach, waiting for whatever Emmett was making them watch. At this point it could be anything. Which scared her.

Emmett skipped into the room. "Ready?"

"No." Edward and Bella both shook their heads.

"Good. 'Cause here it comes." Whatever Emmett was trying to show them was coming onto the screen and in one flash it appeared.

"_Welcome to the best game show you'll ever hear of in your life. It brings child predators out in the open and makes it family entertainment to the fullest degree!_" The announcer bragged. "_And now for our host, Emmett McCarty!"_

"Emmett." Bella thought out loud. "Not many people name their kid Emmett anymore…" She shrugged.

Four seconds later, she realized she knew why his name was Emmett.

Emmett Cullen walked on the screen, waving to the crowd as they cheered and wooed for him and his show.

"Umm…Emmett?" Bella wasn't looking at Emmett she was watching the T.V.

"Bella?" He asked back.

"What's with the McCarty?"

He gasped. "That's my name, Bella? Aren't I allowed to use it? Or are you to steal it from me? Do you want my name, Bella? Huh? Do you? Do you?"

"No, Emmett. I don't want your name."

"Aww…And I was going to sell it to you. Well, I guess there's always Ebay." Bella nodded and then paid attention to the screen more than Emmett.

"Welcome, skillet bisketz." Emmett on the T.V. greeted. "And welcome to another episode of _Spot the Pedophile. _The game show where you try to figure out who's legal and who's down right creepy. Let's meet our contestants."

Emmett made his way over to the panel of contestants, all lined up and ready to find out who was going to the slammer soon for things they shouldn't be doing with small children.

"First we have, Erica, this girl has been able to recognize 4, 352 predators in the last six games and as they say, it takes one to know one. Right, Erica?"

She smiled. "Just don't let them tell."

"Oh…kay. Next, we have Amy, who is new to the identifying predator game. Are you prepared to figure out whose raping who?" Smiling she nodded.

"And finally, we have…" He paused and read from his card. "Insert name here." There was no one there. "Ok, well anyway. Let's begin."

Emmett turned so that the com-predators, as they were called, could see the screen behind him. A picture flicked to the screen, showing Edward and Bella walking down the street hand in hand.

"Emmett!" Bella screeched. "EDWARD IS NOT A PEDOPHILE! NOR I AM A PREDATOR! "

"You just said, 'I am a predator'. You just admitted to it." Emmett pointed out.

"Crap, I meant. Nor AM I a predator!"

"Just admit it, Bella." She glared. "Well, don't worry. You're not the creep." They turned back to the screen.

The Edward and Bella scene progressed to show them kissing in public, hugging in the park, and dancing to the song 'Bust a Move'. Bella was panicked because she clearly looked older than Edward, they were probably going to think she was the creep, but really it was her hundred-year-old lover.

"Now," The host Emmett began. "Whose the creep? Erica?" She held up a sign that read, 'Bella is such a _creeper.'_. "Ok, Amy?"

"Ummm…Bella. She's just weird looking."

"And insert name here." Emmett read his next card. "Insert answer here. Ok, Bella. And the answer is Edward!" The crowd booed, because everyone was wrong. "That hundred-year-old creep, who is stalking his poor eighteen-year-old lover! Now, onward."

The picture on the large monitor changed to someone else Bella knew very well. Actually two people she knew very well. Renesmee and Jacob.

Jacob was rocking Renesmee to sleep. It would have been a cute scene, if not for the fact that across the screen it read, 'CREEPER!' with a large arrow pointed at Jacob.

Host Emmett opened his mouth to speak. "Now who deserves to be beaten with a thick stick for being madly in love with a newborn child? Erica?"

"Renesmee. She far too creepy. She probably eats other babies or something." Erica replied.

"Again…oh…kay. Amy?"

"Bella, she probably rapes them both."

"And insert name here." Emmett read his next card. "Insert different answer than one before it in here. Ok, Aro is the pedophile. That's why he wants to touch everything. It's his first step."

Emmett pulled an envelope out. "And the predator is Jacob, of course!" Emmett shouted. "He's already memorized her, he's so good, doesn't even have to use candy to get kids, and now it's all down hill."

Emmett moved out of the way one more time.

"Who else did you torture?" Bella asked.

"Just wait."

The T.V. on the show came on with Carlisle and Esme. They were standing as far away as a normal appropriate couple would be. Doing nothing that would suggest anything.

Emmett looked at his contestants. "Who is it?"

Erica studied and focused before saying, "How much longer until lunch?"

Emmett shook his head. "I don't know. Answer the question."

"Oh yes, I choose you, Mr. McCarty, you probably rape them their not together, that's what's going on." Erica smiled and growled sexily.

"And Amy?"

"Bella."

"Bella?" Emmett questioned.

"She apparently wants more than her husband here. So she'll settle for anyone. Thus she rapes everyone."

"Again, what? But anyway, the correct answer was Carlisle you three hundred some old vampire. Kind of creepy you're with a girl so young. And the fact you had the hotts for her since she was a young girl. Creeper. Like Quil and Claire. Very freaking."

The T.V. flashed to Quil kissing Claire, but cut out fast as well.

"So," Emmett started. " The winner is…ummm…no one. 'Cause you all suck at figure out who's a creep. Thus you all fail and are now being sold to known creeps. Wait no." He read his card. "Insert winner. Ummm...the winner is Billy Black. Toodles. And see you next time on _Spot the Pedophile._"  
--

Author's Note: This was a request by Kaira5. I hope you liked it! :D


	71. Lampshade

Nope, No Twilight-Darn it, I forgot the word, Disclaimer

Nope, No Twilight-Darn it, I forgot the word, Disclaimer. Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. Or Lance Bass. Or N'Sync. Or Power Rangers. Or Tony the Tiger. Or James Bond. Or House MD.

Author's Note: So, I'm almost completely sure I wrote that entire last chapter in my sleep. Because while reading some of the reviews I was so confused by the Aro thing. I had to re-read the chapter and I was like "What the heck was I doing last night?". Honestly, I had no idea I'd even written that.

Again, there are some Breaking Dawn spoilers present in this chapter. It's a kind of minor detail that I've already brought up once, but here is a chapter dedicated to it.

--

Hanging out at the Cullen home was all Jake did ever since Renesmee was born. He was so attached to her.

"Jake, must you hover?" Bella asked, as Jake moved in so close that his entire head was blocking Nessie's from Bella's vision.

"I'm not hovering." He leaned closer.

"Another question."

"Yeah." He replied without letting his eyes leave Renesmee.

"If you're a totally un-cool shape shifter, because Edward and Aro totally blew your stupidity cover, can you like change into other things. Like useful things? Because the whole not housebroken wolf thing is really annoy."

"Like what?"

Bella bit her lip. "Well, Esme bought this new lamp and we need a lampshade, so could you change into a lampshade?"

"Ok, I'll try." He stood in the middle of the room and tried to concentrate. He began to take form, but not as a wolf. He changed into a…

"Oh my god! Ahh!" Bella screamed. He had turned into Lance Bass from N'Sync. "I love you!" She tossed Renesmee off to the side. Even if she was the smartest thing in the world, she'd never understand a girl's love for a boy band.

Bella threw herself at Jake/Lance, who shifted shape again.

"Ahhh!" Bella shouted again, this time in fear. Jake had become Kimberly Hart, aka the original Pink Power Ranger.

"I like boys." Jake's voice was high pitched, like a girl and he started to dance around the room. "OMG, is he looking at me." His face went serious. "Power Rangers, power up!" He started doing some weird hand motion, but luckily he changed again.

He was now on all fours, and then all of a sudden he stood up. "Frosted Flakes, are grrrrrr-eat!" He held up a bowl of cereal and began to eat.

"OH. MY. GOD." Emmett was walking down the stairs. "Tony the Tiger is in our living room. MY DREAM HAS COME TRUE!" He ran to Jake, who transformed again. "Oh, poo."

"No, not poo." Jake spun around, revealing himself to Bella and Emmett. "It's Bond. James Bond." He slipped on his sunglasses and cocked his gun.

"Did I just here that James was in our living room?" Edward pounced on Jake, knocking him to the ground. "This will teach you to nibble on my wife!" Edward began to jump up and down repeatedly on Jake's back.

Edward moved to break Jake's neck, but before he could Jake turned into a banjo.

"JAMES IS A BANJO!" Emmett shouted.

"Banjo!" Jasper hopped over the banister. "Hot dog! Banjo is my new favorite obsession!" He picked up Jake and started playing him. Playing him like a banjo.

"Jasper, stop playing Jake!" Bella grabbed Jake from Jasper. "Jake, I'm sorry he played you like I did." She whispered to the banjo.

There was a pause.

"I guess he can't change anymore." Edward took Jake from Bella. "At least he's useful now. We can play bluegrass." Bella smiled.

But as soon as they had booked a back band for Jasper who was going to be playing Jake some more, Jacob transformed again.

This time into fern; this excited Esme. She loved ferns and now she could plant him in the garden outside and he'd be so pretty. And she'd love him. And he'd be pretty. And green. And pretty…

Jake changed again.

Jacob took the cane he now was holding and hit Jasper for playing him while he was a banjo. "The diagnosis is simple they came in with a case of the chills and it's obliviously apparent that they have a severe case of syphilis. How you all missed to check for that is beyond me. But then again, I am leaving it with you."

He turned to walk away, as he turned he popped a pill into his mouth, leaning on his cane to keep of his bad leg.

"Umm…" Bella interrupted his turn. "Who are you?"

"Well aren't we a little slow. House." He held out his hand to shake, as they shook Jacob changed.

"Please be a lampshade. Please be a lampshade." Bella crossed her fingers. She was getting increasingly tired of Jake's random changes. She was praying he'd become the lampshade Esme needed.

And as if a genie had granted her wish, he changed into a lampshade.

"AHHH!" Bella's voice was a shrill screech. He had turned into a hideous nineteen seventies lampshade. It was tacky and terrible. How? How come Jacob finally became something worth being and he was a tacky lampshade? Why was the world so cruel?

"We must burn it!" Emmett grabbed Jake.

"NO!" Bella grabbed Emmett's arm. "That's Jake." She pointed to the eye sore that was her best friend and now best unsightly lampshade friend.

"Oh right." He looked bummed. "Well, what do you want to do with it? It's _so_ ugly!"

Edward and Jasper glanced at each other. "Could work." Edward agreed with Jasper's silent comment. "Jasper says we should go to Norway."

"Edward, what does that have to with anything?" Bella asked.

"Nothing. We just want to go to Norway." Edward shrugged.

"Oh right. What do we do with-" She was cut off by Alice.

"Is that what a think it is?" Alice danced her way over to them. "Is that a horrifyingly revolting shape shifting lampshade?"

They all nodded.

"Perfect." Alice smiled as she grabbed Jake. "I'm going to change the world!"

"How?" Edward questioned.

"Even though I can't see the future of the wolf pack, I always knew one would change into a lampshade so unattractive that it would have to be burned. But I would save the lampshade and sell it to the circus. When said wolf will become both a veristile prop and also a handy lampshade."

"Ummm…Alice, you knew this was going to happen?" Bella asked.

"Of course. All shape shifters go through their lampshade phase. I'm just glad I didn't miss Jacob's." She smiled at the lampshade. "And soon, all the shape shifters shall be sold into the circus and I shall take over the world. Will you all evil with me?"

They nodded.

"MUH HA HA HA!" They laughed in unison.

Alice then sold Jake to the circus and made three bucks, but the fact that she'd sold him into the circus was pay enough.

--

Two weeks later, Jacob finally changed back. He gazed around at his circus family.

"Aww…dang. Not again."

--

Author's Note: I'm pretty sure this isn't how their shape shifting works, but it would be fun if it did. Lol!


	72. To Italy

Disclaimer: 72 chapters and I still don't own Twilight

Disclaimer: 72 chapters and I still don't own Twilight. Or P, B, & J Otter. Or The Disney Channel. Or Demi Lovato. Or the Jonas Brothers. Or Hannah Montana Or As the Bell Rings. Or Beowulf! XD Or Tic Tacs.

Author's Note: Hmm…how are you? I'm going to work on my grammar….yippee skippy! And yeah, I know that they didn't know about the whole shape shifting thing when Bella was human, but they were shape shifters back then still, so yeah…

--

Bella loathed the eye doctor. She didn't like the lights. She didn't enjoy that chart that had random letters on it that didn't make any sense at all. She didn't like being asked if she preferred lens A or B. It was just a unnecessary hassle.

It just so happened that on the same day that Emmett had decided to provoke the Volturi, by asking Marcus if he'd wanted to 'pwn some noobs.' This caused them to send an invitation-

No, it wasn't an invitation.

It was a demand for the Cullen family including the still human Bella, and randomly they asked for Emmett to bring his favorite shape-shifting lampshade. So he ran over to La Push and picked up Sam, because Jacob was currently stuck in the form of a lawn gnome.

And on this day, Bella had an eye doctor appointment. She went reluctantly and they did their thing. Towards the end they had to dilate her eyes, so they could finish the appointment.

She groaned and allowed them to proceed. Forgetting entirely that she was flying to Italy in about five minutes time.

They finished quickly and handed Bella a pair of sunglasses before leaving, in case the lights began to hurt her eyes. She knew her vision wasn't going to be the best until the drops wore off; she was preparing herself.

It was then she remembered Emmett's stupidity and the fact that they were going to be kille- I mean- going to chitchat with the Volturi.

She wished Jacob hadn't gotten himself frozen in lawn gnome form. He'd changed two weeks ago, after coming back from the circus. He had made friends with the bearded lady and she paid to adopt him as he son.

Billy caught word of this. It wasn't until then that he noticed that Jake had missing. And so he called up the bearded lady, who he had on speed dial from the time they had met when he bailed Sam out of the circus. He paid her to adopt his son back and finally Jacob came home with a new appreciation for people with beards.

He told Bella that he's planning on growing one. He got three whiskers in week's time. He said they're going to bring friends and he'd have a beard!

When Emmett found out about the Jacob's beard, he was jealous. Jealous enough that he forcefully shaved Jacob. Making him have to start from scratch. Jake wasn't happy.

Jake, still angered over the beard thing, called Disney Channel and told them to cancel P, B, & J Otter, Emmett's favorite show. Also adding that they should only play Demi Lovato, the Jonas Brothers, Hannah Montana, and that strange As the Bell Rings Music music video. Soon enough, Jacob's request was in effect.

Emmett retaliated by telling Jacob he looked like a lawn gnome. That was what gave Jacob the bright idea that lawn gnomes had solid beards that can't be shaved off. As a result, Jake changed himself into a lawn gnome.

Billy has been trying to get him to change back, but from what the pack says he's apparently happy as a lawn gnome.

Anyway, Bella was wishing Jake could come instead of Sam_. _Not that she didn't like Sam. He was just…well, paranoid over _everything_. Emily truly had her hands full. I mean she was carrying three trays of muffins and all. That's a lot of muffins to carry around.

Bella strolled her way into the Cullen home, tripping on the carpet, and then knocking over the side table in foyer. Stumbling around, she put out her hands to catch herself. The sunglasses and they fact her eyes were dilated was making her temporarily blind.

"Time to go!" Emmett grabbed on to her and ran out the door to the fighter jet they had in the front yard.

"Emmett?" Bella called, staring at the sky. "Emmett? Where are you?" She wobbled around, feeling for someone or something. She found Sam.

"WHO'S TOUCHING ME?" Sam yelled, spinning around to see Bella. "You're out to get me, aren't you? You just act all helpless. And then you strike. I see, that's what happened to Jacob. He fell for your quote unquote innocence." He made floating quotation marks with his fingers. "Oh, but I'm much smarter than him. I'm not going to become a lawn gnome. YOU WON'T CHANGE ME!"

"Sam." Emily, who came to give the Cullen some muffins to give to the Volturi as a gift, latched onto his arm. "Calm down….Bella is Bella."

"Like Beowulf is Beowulf." Sam sighed. "Fine, maybe she's not out to get me, but _he _is." Sam pointed to Jasper holding a sign that read, 'I'm out to get Sam.'.

"I have idea what you're talking about." Jasper threw the sign. "Let's go." He hopped in the fighter jet with the rest of his family and the blinded Bella. Sam followed in suit. Leaving Emily with all the muffins.

"Oh shoot." Emily glanced at the muffins. "They forgot the muffins…what should I do with them? Hmm…" She pondered. "I know!" She ran off to retrieve Leah, Embry and the lawn gnome, known as Jacob; they were going to have a muffin party.

--

The Cullens, Bella and Sam arrived in Italy in record time.

As soon as they landed, Sam was already too paranoid to leave the jet. "Those birds." He pointed. "They want me. And that ground." He pointed. "It doesn't look stable."

Alice bit her lip. "Umm…Sam?" He looked at her. "I think I forgot my toothbrush."

"OH NO!" He fell to his knees. "I KNEW SOMETHING LIKE THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN! WHY? WHY? WHAT? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO? WE NEED TO BUY TIC TACS! LOTS AND LOTS OF TIC TACS!"

"Oh, Sam, calm down. One, I don't brush my teeth. And two, I couldn't eat your tic tacs anyway." She tried to reassure him, but being his paranoid self, he couldn't be calmed. "I'll stay with him." Alice walked over to try to stop him from shaking nervously.

"Well, ONWARD!" Carlisle moved his hand to motion, the family and Bella, who tripped over herself and landed on Rosalie's feet.

"I think I could use a Seeing Eye dog or something." Bella said as she picked herself up from the ground.

"Excellent idea!" Edward commented. He ran over and talked to Alice. And pretty quickly, they got the still incredibly paranoid Sam to change into wolf form to be Bella's Seeing Eye dog.

Sam was breathing very quickly as he hopped over every crack, he didn't want to hurt his momma. Along with the paranoia, he also came equipped with tons and tons of superstition.

Edward and Emmett walked up a line of ladders. Sam whimpered and pushed Bella away from the ladders. He had to protect her.

Eventually, after avoiding black cats, picking up every four-leaf clover they saw, and searching the ground for pennies head side up, they reached the Volturi each holding their very own horseshoe.

"Welcome," Aro greeted seriously, then he realized who the group was. "Oh my god. It's my BFF forevers!" He shook everyone's hand, except for Sam's, who was still a wolf. "And you brought a doggie. Aww…" He petted him. "Nice, puppy."

"Do I smell a human?" Caius appeared. He sniffed the room and at last finding blind Bella, who was moving her head around, trying to act like she could see. "You. Smell. Like. A. Human."

"OMG!" Aro jumped in front of Caius. "Carlizzle, I thought you were supposed to fix that?"

"I was, Arizzle, but the shadizzle-wizzle Edskizzle, won't let me, yo." Carlisle replied in the most confusing terminology ever.

"That's just wack." Aro turned his attention to Bella. "So, are you happy to see me?"

"Who are you?" She felt for him. "You feel like…Mike Newton."

"Can I touch you to see if my power works on you yet?" Aro asked.

"Eww…Mike did you just ask to feel me?" Bella back up, hitting Sam.

"My name is Mike now? Woo-hoo! I always wanted to change my name! Hey, what's with glasses?"

Bella looked over to where she thought Edward was, but really it was Emmett making out with Rosalie in her sight.

"Umm…" Edward jumped in. "They're special glasses. They help her have…"

"X-Ray vision!" Emmett yelled.

"Right," Edward agreed. "She can see right through your cloak." Bella nodded, now looking at the floor, which she thought was Carlisle.

"Oh my god! Get out of here! I don't care that you insulted Marcus anymore!" Aro was trying to cover himself. "YOU MUST LEAVE NOW! GUARDS!" And with that, the security appeared to remove the group.

"THEY'RE OUT TO GET ME!" Sam randomly decided to change back, leaving him naked in the middle of the room.

Aro looked over at Sam, not realizing he just transformed back from a wolf and had no clothes. "AHH! SHE PUT THEM ON ME! CURSE YOU, BELLA SWAN AND YOUR GLASSES OF HORROR!"

--

Author's Note: So, yeah…I had to add Beowulf, just because we bonded, when I read that book.

Anyway, this chapter was inspired by ahrocks08, for Bella's blindness and Deadly.Nightshade.Blossom, for asking for the Volturi. They'll probably come up again. I'm sorry if it was bad.


	73. Six Months

Disclaimer: (shakes head wildly) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO TWWWWWWWLIGHT

Disclaimer: (shakes head wildly) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO TWWWWWWWLIGHT! Or the Barney Song. OR Barbie. Or Sam's Club Cookie Club Card. Or Fisher Price. OR Fred Flintstone.

Author's Note: I don't know…I don't know at all…Oh, I do know! I know that Jacob's shape shifting has become one of my new favorite things, just because it's so much fun to mess with him!

Oh yes, there are more Breaking Dawn spoilers present in this…

--

Bella's cell phone rang. "_I love you. You love me. We're a happy fami-_" The ringtone was cut off by Bella picking up the phone.

"Hello." She greeted, knowing already it was her darling, drop dead gorgeous, face of an angel, more beautiful than Edward, daughter, Renesmee. Did I meantion how incredibly pretty she was?

Renesmee is so good-looking she makes Edward look like a squirrel that got ran over by a tracker, then stomped on by a herd of water buffalo, and then dipped in tea. That's just how amazingly stunning she is.

Renesmee's voice came over the receiver. "Mother," She spoke with teenage attitude lacing her voice, even though she was only six months old.

"Yes, dear." Bella replied sweetly to her striking daughter. "What do you want?"

"Oh, right." She said with some sass. "I'm going to the mall with Jacob. We're going to go and-"

Bella cut her off. "Oh well, how are you getting there? Is he driving?"

"Heck no, Bella." She sassed back. "No way am I letting that God awful driver drive me anywhere. We're taking my car, duh."

"Oh really?"

"Yeah, really. I'm taking my pink Barbie car and we are going to the mall." She huffed her breath into the phone, creating and loud crackling noise.

"Now, Nessie. You have to be careful-"

"Shut up, Bella! I'm six months old for God's sake! I know how to take care of myself! I'm not like two weeks anymore! God! Can't you just give up on the whole parenting thing! I moving out for college next week!" Renesmee talked with such cheekiness Bella could hardly believe her.

"Renesmee Carlie Cullen!" Bella shouted back. "Watch your mouth!"

There was muffled noise and then Bella heard her voice again. "Jacob, talk to this woman who thinks I'm like four days old! I mean seriously! What's up with that?"

"Hey," Jacob's voice made appearance on the phone.

Edward responded. "Put, Renesmee back on," His voice a growl.

"Kay. For you." He handed her the phone back.

"For. The. Love. Of. God. Dad! Can't you two just get over yourselves! I'm all grown up! Six months! SIX MONTHS!"

"Renesmee, you're making your mother tearlessly sob. And I know from experience it's very awkward to do!" Edward scolded.

"Whatever." She began to twist a curl in her hair around her finger.

"Renesmee." Edward's voice was like poison.

"What? I'm bringing ID along incase some stops me."

"Sam's Club Cookie Club Card doesn't count as ID." Edward replied, reading her mind.

"DANG. You think they would notice? Hmm…" She pulled a piece of gum from her pocket and threw it in her mouth. Chewing, she spoke again. "Maybe I should take my Fisher Price car."

"The one where you have to use your feet to move it?" Jake asked from behind her.

"Yeah. Do you think someone will pull out over?"

Jake shook his head. "Shouldn't, Fred Flintstone."

"What did you-" She stopped and shook her head. "Whatever. You're just as bad as my parents, it's just I can't get you to leave me alone. The only thing you're good for is a stepping stool when I can't reach my sippy up of blood. Dang, my Grampy for putting my cup so high!"

Renesemee was only about the height of a five-year-old, so when Carlisle put her cup too high she would have Jake kneel down, and she would climb up on to him.

"Okay." Jake agreed that his life was made for nothing more than being stepped on. Literally.

"Renesmee, are you still there?" Edward demanded.

"God, Ed. Yes." Renesmee threw her gum wrapper on the ground. Littering. She blew a bubble.

"Renesmee, come home now." He gritted through his teeth.

"And what if I don't?" Acting like any other mutant vampire/human child would.

"I'll take your teething ring." He threatened.

"You wouldn't." Her voice was both shocked that he'd threaten something like that and fearful for her teething ring. "Those are my favorite things."

"And your rattle." Edward paused. "And your Teddy-Weddy."

She gasped. "Not Mr.EddieJakersBellsCarlEsmeEmJazzRoseAl!" She had a knack for naming things like her mother.

"Yes. Him." Edward sounded positively menacing.

Nessie cried out. "No, please! I'm sorry! Please don't take them away!"

"Coming home?"

"Yes." She sniffled. "But I can pick up a kid's cone at the ice shop?"

"Sure." He agreed.

"Thank you, daddy."

--

Author's Note: Renesmee the sassy six month old. I don't understand why she's always portrayed as so sweet…Can't she be a pain in the rear end teenage/toddler. I don't know.


	74. Potty

Disclaimer: Twilight

Disclaimer: Twilight? That's a big NO! Or Superman. Or Juice Juice.

Author's Note: More Breaking Dawn Spoilers!

--

Rosalie was fussing with a one-month-old Renesmee, when she raised her hand up to touch Rosalie's cheek. Upon the touching her, Rosalie saw what she wanted; a diaper change.

"Ok, then." Rosalie stood up with the tiny girl. "JACOB! YOUR FUTURE WIFE NEEDS YOU!"

"What? What?" Jacob scurried down the stairs. "What's wrong with her?" He ran over as a panicked just like an overprotective parent. Except for the fact, Jacob was not in any way related to her. They were just bond together forever with each other.

Jacob grabbed Nessie from Rosalie. "What do you want, Nessie?" He asked. She placed her hand on his cheek. "Oh, you need to get changed? I thought was Blondie's job. That's the only thing she good for, remember?"

Rosalie glared, but then she saw her reflection and completely forgot about Jake's comment.

"No," Renesmee shook her head. "You." She pointed. "Change me."

He sighed. "Fine." Jake changed her. He didn't like poopy diapers. They smelled like vampires. Ewww….

"Done." He said when he was finished. "You, Nessie. Since you understand really well and you're like super baby and are probably Clark Kent's daughter and not Edward's." Renesmee looked concerned. "Oh, Bella was cheating on Edward with Superman. I'm just waiting for you to inherit flying and just zoom off."

Renesmee looked even more concerned than before for her future husband. "Umm…"

"So anyway, I called Quil and we have decided that we are going to teach you and Claire how to use the potty!" He smiled.

Renesmee wanted to laugh. She knew how to use the toilet. She did it all the time when Jake wasn't here; she just used diapers when he was around, so that Rosalie could yell at him to change her.

"Sound like a good idea?" He asked. She nodded, smiling.

"Wait-" Edward appeared. "You're potty training my daughter. I want to watch!" Edward ran over to the banister and called to the rest of the family. "HEY, JACOB IS TEACHING RENESMEE HOW TO USE THE POTTY! ANYONE WANT TO WATCH HIM FAIL!"

Rosalie was already halfway up the stairs. "Oh, baby. I'm watching for sure! I bet she pees on him!"

"I bet all my piñata candy, she doesn't." Jasper joined in the bet.

"You're on." She shook Jasper hand. Already planning what she'd do with the candy. She decided to go out and feed pigeons with it.

"Thanks for the encouragement, guys!" Jacob sounded really excited. Apparently he'd missed the making fun of Jacob memo. The doorbell rang. "That's probably Quil."

Carlisle got the door and Quil and Claire walked it. Claire was sitting on top of Quil's shoulders and was screaming something about wanting go potty.

"Umm…Jake, I filled her up on Juice Juice just for this, so can we go quickly." Quil looked a bit paranoid that Claire would do something unpleasant.

"Ok, ok." Jake lifted Renesmee. "OFF TO POTTY LAND!" And ran to the bathroom with her. Quil, Claire and the curious Cullens followed after.

Upon reaching the bathroom, Quil was shifting around kind of strangly. "Something wrong?" Jake asked.

"I feel something…warm. Aww..Claire!"

"Qwil aaaaawl wet!" She giggled.

"Oh well." Quil sighed. "She's just marking her territory, I guess." He glanced up at her face. "I still love you!" She smiled.

"That counts," Rosalie said. Jasper handed her and piece of candy.

"We bet on Jake and Renesmee. She hasn't gone yet." Jasper crossed his arms.

"So, I guess we're only to train Renesmee, since someone doesn't need to go anymore." Jacob looked down at Renesmee, and pointed to the toilet. "This is a magical water fountain that makes all your pee-pee and poopy magically disappear."

She looked up at him like 'duh, Jake.'.

"And this." He motioned to the flusher. "It's the magic wand that makes all the magic happen. Do you want to see?" She nodded and he flushed the toilet.

Claire screamed. "Too, too swary!" She cried.

"I better take her some where there isn't a flusher of doom." Quil began to walk out with Claire.

"You should probably get a new shirt as well." Jacob added.

"Umm…no, this one has Claire on it! It's best shirt ever!" Quil smiled and ran away.

Jacob glanced down at Renesmee. "Please, never pee on me." She smiled a wicked little pixie smile.

"_Ok._" She laughed like she knew something he didn't.

"You've already done it before, haven't you?"

"_No."_ He raised an eyebrow. "Yes." She answered quickly.

"Ha! She did!" Rosalie sounded proud that Renesmee had peed on Jake. "Hand it over."

"No, the bet was when he was potty training her. I'm still winning." Jasper smiled, knowing he had her in a loophole.

"Oh, ok. If I didn't love you so much I might be mad. But since I imprinted on you and we're like bonded forever, I don't really care!" He smiled. "Back to business."

They both looked forlorn at the potty.

"I know." Jacob sat down on the floor. "Let's meditate!" Renesmee sat next to him. "Be the potty. Envision yourself as the potty. Be the potty." But as soon as they started concentrating on being the potty, Jake turned into one.

_Darn, shape shifting. Awww…well…Oh wait, what is she doing?_

Renesmee was starting to get ready to relieve herself.

_Umm…Renesmee._ Jacob thought. _Please, don't go the bath-_

"I win." Rosalie held out her hand and Jasper handed her the candy.

--

Author's Note: Darn shape shifting. And poor Jasper lost the bet. Aww…


	75. Fan Girls

Disclaimer: The owning of Twiligh and me is a no

Disclaimer: The owning of Twiligh and me is a no. Or Twister. Or Harry Potter.

Author's Note: So my computer is being really annoying…We've apparently written too many stories lately and it refuses to let us save any word documents. So I'm improvising. Let's see how that goes.

Oh yes, there are some Breaking Dawn references...

--

"_Hello_." Jasper greeted whoever was on the phone. "_Yes._" He stress out his syllables and speaking very obnoxiously. "_No, you cannot ride my pony!_"

There was a pause. "_Because it's my pony!_ YOU KNOW WHAT, BELLA…shut up! Edward, your girlfriend is terribly annoying!"

"I can hear you!" Bella's voice rang through the phone.

"Jasper, I told you not to pick up the phone…you know today is the day my fan girls have their complete a totally shrine of meeting for me. Bella, gets very jealous for some reason." Edward reached for the phone. He was going to hang it up before she heard anything.

"I heard that already!" She yelled. "I told you that your fan girls are really-"

"Don't say it, Bella." Edward whispered into the phone. "They'll hear you….and even if they don't. They'll know. They know everything."

"Edward," Jasper called him. "Bella was trying to ride my pony." He pouted.

"Jasper, you don't even have a pony…and even if you did, you would probably kill it in the first week because you're thirsty or something. Or you and Emmett would have dropped a harp on its head and killed it. Or Alice would get jealous of the pony and kill it. Or you and Emmett would dress up like fairies and scar-"

"Edward, stop discouraging him." Carlisle walked down stairs. "You had a pony." He reminded him.

"Aww, yes…Carrots." Edward bit his lip; holding back imaginary tears. "He dead so young…"

Carlisle looked around as if embarrassed. "Edward, you ate him about fourteen hours after you got him."

Edward looked heartbroken. "You told me he ran away. WHY WOULD YOU LIE?"

"Umm…well, yes. But what was I supposed to say. 'Edward, I'm sorry, but the pony you grew to love over the past fourteen hours has been killed by…you.'. I always assumed you just read my mind and knew what happened." He shrugged.

"EDWARD ANTHONY MASEN CULLEN!" His fan girls shouted from the living room. "WHERE ARE YOU EDDIE-TEDDY?"

"Someone shoot me, if they ever use that name again." Edward grumbled. As much as he enjoyed the adoring fans, the names they gave him were hardly desirable.

"That wouldn't do anything." Jasper pointed out. "But we could cut you up into small pieces and burn you, if they say it again."

"Good idea." He nodded, accepting the idea. There some fan girls screams going through the house. "Oh god. I wish I could get rid of some of them.…"

"I can help with that." Jasper licked his lips. "We can play Twister!"

"Jasper, how will that help?" Edward raised an eyebrow.

"Well, since we're vampires, we'll probably end up crushing half of them as we try to bend around them. It will be fun…and I can eat them." He added quietly.

Edward stood wide-eyed.

"You know how I got rid of my fan girls?" Jacob walked in the door. Edward looked quickly around confused at his sudden apperance. "I'm Harry Potter, remember?"

"Oh." Edward, Jasper and Carlisle responded.

"Anyway…I got them hooked on someone else. All of my fan girls are now J. Jenkin's fan girls." Jacob explained.

--

In a city somewhere…

"OH MY GOD! IT'S J.!" A group of girls fainted. Others clawed through the crowd to be nearer to the god of a fake document maker.

--

"Oh yeah," Jake crossed his arms. "Some of them went to be fans of the Third Wife."

--

Somewhere….

"OH MY GOD! It's the Third Wife-" A truck passes as the girls speak the name of the woman.

They girls begin to cry out in their fandom for the Third Wife. "OH god! It's-" A loud jig saw begins to be revved up, drowning out the name.

--

"That's it!" Edward ran to the door of the living room. "Everyone, if you love me, you'll all go be fan girls of the Volturi!"

The girls all looked at one another and screamed. "ARO, YOU SEXY BEAST!"

--

The next day the Cullens received a call from the Volturi.

"Hello." Edward greeted.

"Umm…" It was Aro. "I just called to warn you all that the you've all been sentenced to death for attacking us with those crazy, and yet, tasty females."

"You ate my fan girls!" Edward was shocked.

"Well, all but one. Alec and Jane are finding it terrible difficult to pull her from their legs…" Aro drifted off. "Well anyway. I just called to schedule your demise. How's next Tuesday?"

Edward shook his head. "Alice and I have a lunch quiz that day. You know the basics. What makes up a hotdog, how much coleslaw can one person eat in a day, if you eat nothing but fat free wafers, how before you realize you're fat. The normal stuff."

"Oh," Aro paused to check his calendar. "I'm free on Wednesday."

Edward bit his lip. "How about on November 21 you send James, Victoria and Laurent to kill Bella? I know you have their phone number. And if not, I can give it to you."

"That sounds good." There was a short silence. "Can you give me the number?"

"Sure. It's 1-800-WEWANT-TOKILL-BELLA-BECAUSE-WEVE-GOT-NOTHING-BETTER-TO-DO-AND-ALSO-ARO-IS-ONE-SEXY-BEAST. Got it?"

"Yes, sir. Oh yes, you need to come pick up this random fan girl that won't let Alec and Jane alone. She is far more powerful than the rest of the girls and is determined to never let them go. I believe she has a power of some sort, considering their powers aren't working."

"I'll be there." Edward hung up. "JACOB! GO TO ITALY AND FREE ALEC AND JANE!"

"Ok!" He ran out the door.

--

Jacob ran to Italy. Only to be mauled by the Volturi because Caius smelled werewolf.

"But I'm a shape shifter." Jacob turned into a crowbar.

"Oh good." Caius lifted Jake and tried to pull the wild fan girl from Alec and Jane. "Darn, you're a crappy shape shifter." Caius yelled at Jake. He gave up. "Oh well, it's not me."

Aro looked over to Caius and Jake. "Hey, can you turn into a tacky lampshade, please? I love nineteen seventies lampshades!"

--

The crazed Jane and Alec fan girl was never removed from the two-some and thus she became their triplet.

And Jacob shaded a lamp for the next two weeks. Until the battle when Bella took him back saying 'I LOVE YOU! YOU TACKY LAMPSHADE!'.

--

Author's Note: This was a request from TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes (she's the Alec and Jane fan). I hoped you liked it! :D

Oh yes, and for everyone, THANK YOU SO MUCH! We broke 900 reviews! And have 100 favorites on this! Holy molie, you guys are seriously so amazing! I truly don't think you guys realize how amazing you are! Thank you!


	76. Parental Control

Disclaimer: I own a dog

Disclaimer: I own a dog. I don't own Twilight. Or Parental Control. Or 'I'm Too Sexy'.

Author's Note: So, my sister and I were watching NEXT and this what happened…

--

A loud, deep voice came from the speakers of the Swan's T.V.. Bella stopped and sat down on the couch. It was on. Again. This was the fifteenth time it had run the re-run this week.

"_This is Bella."_ The announcer introduced her, while pictures of her smiling and spinning around appeared. _"She's eighteen and her parent's pride and joy. But there's on thing her parent don't like…"_

A paused and then a Charlie, Renee and Phil appeared.

"Her lowlife, though extremely attractive, boyfriend, Edward." Charlie finished the announcer's statement.

Renee and Phil both gave thumbs down and said. "Eww…"

But before the scene changed Phil did get in one parting statement. "Though, as Charlie said, he is quite sexy. I would like to d-" The scene cut out, but you still see Renee smack Phil upside the head.

"_This is Edward."_ A clip of Edward biting a deer came up. Quickly he tossed the deer off to the side, smiling with blood running down his chin onto his white shirt. He noticed his appearance in the camera, and with a laugh he smudged the blood from his lips and chin.

"_He and Bella have been together for a year, but her parents don't approve. So we've set up for Bella to go on two blind dates handpicked by her parents. And in the end, she'll have to choose whether she'll stay with Edward."_ The clip of Bella and Edward that was playing during this narration, the camera did a close up on Bella's face as he spoke the last part. She mouth out 'duh.'.

"_If you feel bad for Bella. Think of how Edward's going to feel as he watches the dates with her parents_."

"I'm not too worried." Edward said confidently, when he was supposed to be posing with Bella.

_"Bella, get ready for some Parental Control. Now, let's see the possible daters_."

The Bella and Edward scene switched to Phil, Charlie and Renee sitting on a red couch waiting for the first dater. The boy, almost man, walked in.

"Hi, I'm Mike Newton!" He reached out his hand. The three all shook it. "I'm so excited that I get a chance to learn your weakness before I kidnap Bella and hold her hostage away from Edward and her family!" He smiled.

"Interesting…" Charlie stroked his chin. "Kidnapping…very romantic. I like you already."

"So, do you have any talents, hobbies or anything?" Phil asked.

"Yes!" He stood up and did a front flip. "I'm head cheerleader-I mean- I'm head manleader!"

"What's the difference?" Phil raised an eyebrow.

"Well, cheerleaders cheer. We, manleaders, which is masculine, we don't cheer, we uplift with dance moves!"

"Isn't that the same thing?"

"No."

The scene changed to the next possible dater.

Two people walked instead of one. One was in a wheelchair and the other was pushing from behind.

"Hi, Billy, Jake." Charlie greeted. "What are you both doing here?"

"Coming to date your daughter, duh." Jacob smacked his forehead. "I heard that you guys didn't like Edward, so I thought I'd come and charm her with my _italics._"

"Oooo…I love man that came speak in multiple fonts." Renee licked her lip seductively.

"No." Charlie shook his head. "Italics aren't impressive at all. Now if you could talk in Wingdings, then you might have a chance. Anyway, I wanted to know why you're both here. Only one of you can date my daughter."

"We're a packaged deal." Billy spoke up. "You date one, you date the other."

"I'm not sure it's legal for you, Billy, to date my daughter. But who cares, this is scripted real life drama anyway!" Charlie gave them a thumbs up.

Another scene change and the next dater walked in.

"Hello. I'm Jasper Cullen." He smiled winking at Phil. Phil blushed. "Sorry, there's something in my eye." He rubbed it. "Darn contacts. Making me wink at old men." Jasper whispered so they couldn't hear.

"You're Edward's brother, correct?" Charlie asked. Jasper nodded. "So, why should I let you date my daughter?"

"Date? Oh crap. I thought this was _ate _my daughter. I starved myself for nothing!" He sighed. "Now, I'm going to go attack the Newton boy…but he is delicious. Bye." Jasper left.

Leaving the parents to look confused at one another.

New scene and a new dater appeared.

"Hello." Sam said quickly as he walked in. He looked terribly uncomfortable and nervous. "So-so-so, I what do you want?"

"Umm…Sam?" Charlie seemed concerned. "You signed up voluntarily for this. We didn't want to see you. And aren't you engaged?"

"Oh, I see. It was them and that woman who refuses to leave me alone. The one at my house…that girl that thinks I'm obsessed with her. When truthfully I've been trying to get rid of her. They're out to get me!"

"Sam…maybe Bella was right. You have some serious issues. I'm going to call a shrink and he's going to take you to a nice padded room. Where you can-"

"NO! WHERE'S MY LUCKY PAPERCLIP? DANG IT! EMBRY STOLE IT AGAIN! NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? I'M UNLUCKY. THEY WANT THE EVIL COOKIE ELVES TO GET ME!"

"You a bit more than unlucky…SERCURITY!" Charlie called and they took Sam away to the nice safe room.

As he was escorted out, his faint cry was heard. "AHH! EVIL COOKIE ELF!"

"Crap." Mike's voice was muffled as he was tackled.

The final dater came through the door. He strutted through the door with total confidence.

"Hey," Harry Clearwater entered.

"Aren't you dead?" Charlie asked, complete un-phased that he was speaking to a dead guy.

"Maybe…but your daughter already dates dead guys, so I'm perfect!" He smiled. "And I can cook fish!"

"That's it! You win!" Phil stood to shake the man's hand, but Renee grabbed him.

"No, we've got to finish the rest of this totally scripted true life show. Even though we all know Edward wins." Renee scolded.

The scene cut out to the parents making their decisions.

"Him." Renee pointed.

"And I choose him." Charlie pointed. They shook hands.

--

The next day, Bella was preparing for her dates.

"Bella, make Jake cry." Edward commanded.

"I'm going a date with Jake?" Bella looked surprised.

"And Billy. I read ahead in the script. Oh yeah, when Jake asks what you kind of chap stick you're wearing, kick him in the shin and kiss Billy."

"Ok." She smiled.

"Here's my pick, Bella." Charlie opened the door revealing, as Edward predicted, Jake and Billy.

"Hi, Bella. Let's go." Jake walked over and took her arm.

"Don't touch my girlfriend." Edward sneered.

"Oh well…" Jake squinted his eyes. "I can't read my line…can you read it, Bella?"

"Sure." She looked over to Edward. "Ha, loser. Big words huh, Jake?"

"Yeah, I know!"

They left. Leaving Edward with the parents.

"Let's watch." Renee hit the remote.

The T.V. showed a picture of Jake, Bella and Billy dancing to 'I'm Too Sexy'.

"Oh dang, he is too sexy." Edward commented.

"Jealous?" Charlie asked.

"No."

The date flew by, because Jacob and Billy's idea of fun included the following: watching grass grow, watching paint dry, hopping for three steps, reciting the national anthem, and constructing a full scale pyramid. And finally it reached Edward's favorite line.

"Bella, what kind of chap stick are you wearing?" Jake asked.

"Cherry." She leaned over and kissed Billy.

"Wow, that wasn't in the script!" Jake paused. "But I liked it!"

Soon, Bella returned home.

"So, how was that?" Edward asked.

"Good." Bella sighed. "Who's next?"

"Harry Clearwater."

"He's dea-"

"Hello, Bella." Harry walked in and took her by the hand and kissed it. "You've grown up."

"Ummm…excuse me, sir. I believe you're dead. And I don't date dea- Oh wait, scratch that." She bit her lip and roundhouse kicked him in the face. "Eww..cooties." She ran off to her room to decide whom she wanted to date.

"_Who will Bella choose? Her boyfriend, Edward or one of the guys her parents picked?"_

"It's so difficult! How do I make this more dramatic? The script clearly states I pick Edward." Bella complained and soon enough. "I think I've chosen."

She walked down stairs to find Edward in between Harry and Jacob and Billy.

"I had a great time with all of you." Bella looked at each one. "But I can only choose one." She took a breath. "Harry. Though I like dead guys. You're too dead for me. Sorry."

"You know what, Bella? Fine, it's over!" Harry left, but he spoke to the camera as he did. "She doesn't know what she's missing…it's pitifully." He grunted. "I need to go cook a fish." His angel wings sprung from his back and he flew away.

Bella took another deep breath. _Create drama._ "I've made my decision and they guy I choose is…"_ DRAMA. DRAMA. AND MORE. DRAMA!_ "Billy." The entire group gasped.

"Yes! Take that!" He pointed to Jake and Edward.

"I decided to throw away the script and do this right. Billy was a better kisser than both of you, so…see you!" She waved.

"Oh, yeah that's right. Leave!" Charlie ran after Jake and Edward, making sure they left.

"Umm…that was weird…"Edward looked at Jake.

"No, that wasn't weird…" Jake mumbled.

"Bye, Jakers! My little step-son!" Bella waved out the door.

Edward and Jacob looked at each other and shivered. "That was weird." _DRAMA!_

--

Author's Note: That was long! Lol! But fun to write! Hope you enjoyed! And thanks again for all the reviews and such! :D


	77. Cheese

Disclaimer: Nope, no Twilight…(cries)

Disclaimer: Nope, no Twilight…(cries). Or Parental Control. Or Wheaties. Or Count Chocula. Or Frosted Mini-Wheats. Or Cheese in a Can. Or Lucky Charms. Or Kix. Or Trix. OR Energizer Bunny. Or fanfiction.

Author's Note: So, my sister and I went a amusement park today, just randomly, and it was amusing…hence, the amusement…yeah…Oh yes, and since I went all Breaking Dawn plotline (writing a plotline that is completely out in left field) last chapter, I decided to try to do something more normal for this story.

--

Bella was heartbroken. Three seconds after the cameras had stopped rolling on her shoot of Parental Control Billy broke up with her. How could he? _Drama. _He is just a jerk. _Drama. _She knew she should have picked Harry. _Drama._

Her attempt to add some non-scripted drama into the show had completely failed. Leaving her one option. She went straight back to Edward, who really didn't care, because he knew she was only trying to bring some _reality _to a reality show.

Then Jacob found Sam's paperclip. Sam freaked out, and beat Jacob with a can of tuna until he gave him back his paperclip. Sam is now back with Emily, whom he calls _That Woman_, and she is trying to straighten him out.

Emily has started by making him sit in a room with the wolf pack and enough machine guns to arm a platoon of soldiers. Trying to get Sam over the fear of everyone was out to get him.

Unfortunately, someone-Collin-didn't get the memo that they weren't supposed to use the guns and he shot Sam, but luckily he just healed himself physically.

Emotionally and mentally, Sam wouldn't leave his house without a bulletproof vest (x2), nineteen pairs of spandex, a army issued tank, a steel toed super boots, Patricia the walrus (she was violent ever since Paul broke up with her…), a jet pack, Esme's rocket launcher, and a chocolate pastry in case he got hungry.

After all this, all Bella could say was, 'Good luck with that.', and escape before Sam noticed her stealing his paperclip.

Now Bella was back with Edward, but she still was hurt that her boyfriend of all of three seconds had broken up with her. She needed something to drown her sorrows in and thus she was pacing the cement flooring of the Forks grocery store. Looking for nothing in particular, just something to love.

_Pasta._ Bella gazed at it longingly. _Pasta is lovable. It's hard, but it can be flexible._ She began to cry; her heart was so broken.

Moving to the next isle, cereal. _Wheaties…no, too sporty. Frosted Mini-Wheats…they're too tiny for my broke heart. Count Chocula…that's Edward's favorite cereal…if he could eat cereal. _She began to bawl over the fact Edward couldn't eat cereal. What a life tragedy? He would never realize why Trix are for kids…or why Mikey likes Kix…or why Lucky won't just let the darn kids have his charms…

It was then that she saw it. The most heavenly prize of them all; the only thing for a aching soul. The world's greatest creation…Cheese in a Can.

Bella screamed and ran over to the display, grabbing every can she could and tossing them into her cart. Soon enough she gave up on trying to grab cans and just threw the entire display in, cardboard and all.

Nearly sprinting to the check out, she threw a twelve thousand four hundred and nine two-dollar bill at the woman at the cash register and left with the cheese.

Bursting through the doors of the Cullen home, Bella shouted. "EMMETT! JASPER! I FOUND THE MOST AMAZING THING EVER!"

"Even more amazing than the Energizer Bunny?" Jasper asked wide-eyed. "I mean, there's no stopping that little guy. He keeps going and going and going and going and going…" He continued for the next seventeen minutes.

"Yup." Bella smiled, while reaching behind her to pull out the can of cheese.

"OH. MY. CARLISLE. CULLEN." Jasper, after finishing his 'and going's, grabbed the can of cheese and held it up to the sky. "It's a gift from the heavens-What is it?" He asked abruptly.

"It's cheese." Bella answered. "But guess what else it is. It. Is. In. A. Freaking. Can. Oh. My. God." Jasper's eye lit up.

And soon, Emmett finally arrived. He took the scenenic route and cut through Canada to make it to the foyer.

"What is it, Bella?" Emmett was in the same awe of the cheese.

"Like I told Jasper, it's cheese in a can."

Jasper and Emmett looked at each other and smiled wickedly. They then turned their attention to Bella and her cheese.

They jumped her and took the cheese. "Let's go make cheese art!" Emmett yelled and ran with Jasper.

In four minutes flat, the two had recreated all of New York City. Then they moved on to Chicago. Where they paid close attention to detail, by adding a tiny baby Edward.

Eventually (in seven minutes), they had recreated the entire United States in cheese.

"It's beautiful." Jasper bit his lip to fight non-existent tears. "CHEESE FIGHT!"

Both Jasper and Emmett sprayed without mercy at one another.

Edward saw the mess happening in the backroom. He stepped over his unconscious girlfriend (again) to see what was really going on.

He froze when he saw up close. The cheese splattered everywhere. It was flying through the air, hitting the walls.

If there was one thing they didn't know about Edward, they were going to find out now. Right here.

"GUYS! STOP!" Edward said frantically trying to get out of the room without them noticing, but, of course, they did.

"Where are you going, Spedward?" Emmett asked smugly.

"Cheese scares me." Edward whispered. Even though they both had heard, they wanted to hear him say it again.

"What?" They both held out an ear.

"I have a deep fear of cheese. Ever since my sister-"

Emmett interrupted. "You don't have a sister?"

"No, I don't anymore, because the cheese got her. She was eating cheese soup, when a meteor struck outside our house. My sister…ummm…" He pondered the name. "Julie, was scared, so she hid her face in the bowl of soup. Thus drowning in cheese soup."

"Oh," Emmett said, clearly upset. How could something as amazing a cheese cause so much grief? "But you can't drown in this cheese. It's in a can!"

"You can drown in all cheese!" Edward tearlessly sobbed. "Oh why? Why? Who wants a cheesy death anyway?"

Jasper head was looking down, ashamed at loving cheese more than afterlife itself. How wrong was he? "I'm sorry, Edward."

Emmett looked at Jasper. "Don't worry…we'll get rid of the cheese." They went to figure out how to remove the cheese.

"So," Bella was conscious again. "Did they buy it?"

"More cheese?" Edward questioned.

"No, your story."

"Heck, yeah. Jasper and Emmett, I think cheated through college…I'm glad I made that story up...I really didn't want to clean up.

--"

"How do we get rid of this cheese?" Jasper looked around. And suddenly Jake appeared.

They kidnapped Jacob and forced him to eat all the cheese. Jake attempted to drown himself in the cheese, but Edward kept pulling him out, screaming out how no one shall die of a cheese related accident again.

While all of this was going on, Sam realized his paperclip was missing. He hunted it down and found Bella.

He found the paperclip in her back pocket. Upon finding it, he went to attack her with Esme's rocket launcher, but Jasper and Emmett found a new use for the can of cheese. They assaulted Sam with the cheese, and drown him in it.

But through the magic of fanfiction…Sam was resurrected! It's a miracle!

But he's still paranoid. Not even fanfiction can fix that.

--

Author's Note: I really couldn't think of anything…

Can of cheese was a request by Orphan Ashley. I'm so sorry this is so bad. I truthfully am like dead tonight.


	78. Halloween

Disclaimer: No Twilight

Disclaimer: No Twilight. Or Pepsi. Or M&Ms. Or that guy from Scream. Or George Lucas. Or Aaron Carter. Or Bill Cosby. Or Hannah Montana. Or Mary Had A Little Lamb.

Author's Note: …

--

It was Halloween, and Bella was extremely excited. It was a time for pretending, and going into random strangers homes (a.k.a. _legally_ breaking and entering.).

Though it was legal, Emmett and Jasper were still planning on having Bella and Edward distract the homeowners, while they smashed the back window, to really get the full effect of going into a stranger's home for candy.

Yes, candy. That was what Halloween was about…Bella smiled at the thought.

Oh, the sweets she would receive. Even though she was a teenager, candy always made her giddy.

So that was what brought her here, standing in the Cullens living room in a black cloak with very pale looking skin. Most would think that she was trying to be that guy from Scream, that year there seemed to be a million of. Seriously, could no one come up with something original?

No, she wasn't him at all. Bella was…Aro.

She was preparing herself to touch everyone and then start rambling stuff about their childhood and such.

Edward came downstairs looking like he was wearing high heels or something. Either that or he had had an impossible growth spurt. Beside the higher altitude he was at now, he was just wearing a pair of cut off sweatpants and a black wig that came down to about his chin.

"Ummm…Edward?" Bella questioned. "Who are you?"

"Guess."

She appraised him, glancing over every aspect of his outfit. "George Lucas."

"Close. Here's a hint." Edward flipped his wig hair. "Hi, Bells." He spoke in a high pitch, almost whine. "I'm so lonely 'cause no one loves me. I wonder if the parasite will leave again, so that I can make out with his girlfriend again." He grinned wildly.

Bella bit her lip. "Aaron Carter."

"Another hint?" She nodded. Edward fell on to all fours and started rubbing his head on Bella's leg and whimpering. He stood up. "Ahh, I'm naked. Got it?"

"Bill Cosby."

"Jacob." Edward came up with the answer.

"Oh…those were horrible clues."

"Bella!" Jasper ran downstairs where wearing a jean jacket, tastefully tattered jeans, a sequin scarf, sunglasses, and a long blonde wig. He threw himself at her. "Are you as excited as me?"

"Jasper-" Bella was nudged by Edward.

"It's Hannah." Edward corrected.

"Montana." Jasper pulled a microphone from the back of his pants. "I got the best of both worl-"

"Ok," Bella covered his mouth. "That's nice. Just remember I'm Aro and not only do I know your pop star secret, I can also eat you."

Jasper/Hannah's eyes went wide. "Oh no! You'll make all my adoring fans so sorrowful and then who will pump up the party? Or who will have the party with them? Aro, why? WHY?"

"Just be quiet." Bella smirked.

"Emmett, Rosalie, Alice!" Edward called. "Get down here! Jasper is acting all duel life pop diva!"

Emmett appeared wearing a plain tee shirt, jeans, a brunette wig, band-aids and casts on nearly every part of his body, and a wolf and heart charm bracelet. "Oh my gosh!" Emmett scurried to Edward/Jacob. "Hi, Jake!" Emmett hugged him.

"Hi, Bells." Edward said in a high pitch squeak. "I missed you."

Alice followed wearing a Hannah Montana tee shirt. Bella looked confused. "I'm a groupie." She smiled, as she saw Jasper. "AHHH! Hannah!" She pounced on him.

Rosalie was last just wearing a red shirt and plain jeans.

"And what are you, Rosalie?" Bella asked.

"I'm a person wearing a red shirt."

"How's that pretending?"

"I'm pretending it's green." Rosalie crossed her arms.

"Oh ok." Bella grinned. "Oh wait." She scowled. "Grr…Cullens."

"If everyone is ready. Let's go." Edward motioned for the group to move out and about.

The Cullens and Bella took the town by storm. They went to every house one street, using vampire speed of course, well except for Bella who rode on Edward/Jacob, in less than ten seconds.

"Well, where to next?" Edward looked around and that's when it was heard.

"BELLA!" Jacob bounded with Quil, who was dressed as a raccoon, Claire, who was fairy princess, and Embry, who was…ummm…an unknown object, at the Cullens. Bella put up her arms protectively, but Jake didn't attack her. He attacked Emmett.

"Edward!" Emmett yelled and hugged Jake. "I missed you, Edward. Where were you?"

"Missing you, baby." Jacob hugged Emmett closer.

"No." Edward jumped in between Emmett and Jacob. "You're going to kill her! I know you will!" He screeched. "I'll kill you!" Emmett cringed behind Jacob.

"Oh no, you won't, Jacob." Jacob replied with calmness, like Edward usually.

"Fine, leech. I think it's time for a dance off!"

"You are very strange, Jacob Black." Jacob stated. Emmett whimpered. "But I can't back down. Hit it Hannah."

Jasper jumped up on a car with Alice and Rosalie standing in the back as back up singers. Jasper began to lay down the law with some serious beats. He was performing the song Best of Both Worlds, but with a vampire/human life twist.

Jacob/Edward and Edward/Jacob starting dancing like there was no tomorrow.

"No, stop!" Emmett cried. "This is wrong! Let me die!" He pulled a random rock from nowhere and began to attempt to react the whole Third Wife thing.

"No, Bella!" Jacob yelled as he threw himself into Emmett's arm. Getting him to drop the rock. "You cannot do that! I love you!"

"I love you!" Emmett turned to Edward. "And I love you too, but not enough to actually care."

"Oh, I'm so lonely!" Edward cried out, while Emmett and Jake skipped away.

Embry, Quil and Claire all looked at each. Completely confused on why they had been brought over here just to do nothing. So, to make up for it they stole the microphone from Jasper and performed the never before heard song from the band they had just created while that last scene was going on.

The song was called, 'Why the Heck Are We Over Here?' and the band they called, 'Lost Wolves…and Claire'.

"It's ok, little shape-shifter." Bella patted Edward on the head. "Edward Anthony Masen Cullen…Parents Edward, Sr. and Elizabeth Masen. Oh sorry. Stupid Aro power… Let's get more candy."

Eventually they finished their candy hunting and went home.

Emmett and Jacob hadn't returned. Everyone assumed they did what Bella and Edward would have done, got married in Vegas.

Bella looked over all the candy. "Yay!" She had given up on the whole Aro thing. She began to shovel it all into her mouth, mostly the M&Ms…because they were amazing.

"Do you need something to drink?" Edward asked. "I mean- I LOVE BELLA!…but she doesn't love me. Do you want to drown in my sorrow with me?"

Bella nodded with a wrapper hanging out of her mouth. He handed her a Pepsi.

"PEPSI! IT'S SO MUCH BETTER THAN COKE!" She chugged the entire bottle and went back to shoveling.

Soon enough, Bella was having such a sugar rush it wasn't even funny.

"OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! EDWARD! EDWARD! EDWARD! WE SHOULD HAVE A PARTY! YEAH PARTY! TONS OF PEOPLE! LOTS A PEOPLE! AND PEPSI! MORE PEPSI!"

"No more Pepsi." Edward took the bottle away from her. She screamed.

"NOOOOO! I NEED THAT! IT'S MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! PEPSI! PEPSI!"

"Nope. No Pepsi or M&Ms." He took both from her. But before Edward had a chance to throw anyway the candy and sugar, Jacob and Emmett came back.

"BELLA! BELL! BELLA! BELLA! BELLS! BEELLLLAAAAAAAAA!" Jacob bounced his way over to her. He was shaking due to a major overdose of sugar.

"What happened?" Edward asked, looking concerned as Bella and Jacob danced/hopped around in a circle singing 'Mary Had a Little Lamb'.

"We found a Pepsi machine…and he ate like fourteen packs of M&Ms." Emmett laughed. "Which made him _awesome!_" Emmett jumped in the circle.

Jasper walked in with Rosalie, Alice and a group of girls falling all over him. "Sorry, girls. Hannah is out." He waved them goodbye.

Jasper then noticed the extremely hyper group. "YOU STARTED WITHOUT ME!" He jumped in.

Alice, Rosalie and Edward just stared.

This act of dancing and hopping went on for ten straight minutes, until Jake and Bella collapsed due to the sugar rush crash right in the middle of the chorus of the song. What a shame.

Jasper and Emmett tossed the two over to the side and continued, but Alice, Rosalie and Edward jumped them and tied them to chairs. Then Alice, Rosalie and Edward danced.

"YAY!" The said as they danced.

--

Author's Note: This was for pearberry14. Hope liked it! :D


	79. It's Raining Men

Disclaimer: No Twilight ownage what so ever

Disclaimer: No Twilight ownage what so ever. Or It's Raining Men.

Author's Note: Just a quickie…

--

Emmett walked into the kitchen where the radio was blaring. Rosalie had left it on after her and Esme were done jazzercising.

Not looking for anything in particular, Emmett scampered around the room. Picking things up and throwing them down to make it look like he was doing something.

And suddenly a voice was heard on the radio.

"_Next up we have the famous song 'It's Raining Men'…" _

Emmett didn't listen to the rest. He had heard the news and he was freaked out. It was raining men.

He ran out of the kitchen to tell someone. All he found was Bella.

"BELLA!" He lunged towards her. "IT'S RAINING MEN!"

"No it's not, Emmett." Bella reassured him.

"I just heard it on the radio! Just look outside!"

They both went to the window just under where Jasper and Edward were practicing pushing the wolf pack over the edge of the roof, just to see what would happen.

"On three." Jasper said, while lining up with Edward. "Three."

They both pushed their respective wolf packers over the edge of the roof.

"Look!" Emmett pointed and right then Jacob fell past the window.

"OH MY GOD! EMMETT! IT'S NOT RAINING MEN! IT'S WORSE! IT'S RAINING SHAPE SHIFTERS!" They both screamed in horror.

--

Author's Note: I've got to sleep. Night.


	80. MidLife Crisis

Disclaimer: I still don't own Twilight

Disclaimer: I still don't own Twilight. Or Ricky Martin or his songs. Or Chuck E. Cheese. Or Wal-Mart. Or Ben 10. Or Shake Boy and Lava Girl. Or Demi Lovato.

Author's Note: Just a notice: school for us is going to be starting in little over a week, so our updates might not be as fast depending on how much homework we are given (I'm taking two AP classes, so I'm going to guess I'm going to have a fair amount of work). And also, what's going on with our cross-country schedule will affect our updates. Just thought we'd let you know.

B.D. (Barbie Doll, oh I mean…Breaking Dawn.) spoilers!

--

Carlisle was sitting at the kitchen table pouring over his family albums. All the memories were so close to him.

The first time he and Edward had gone out for a hunt. The picture was in front of him.

Edward got a mountain lion on his first try, and so Carlisle just had to take a picture of him posing with the dead animal carcass. Edward's mouth dripping from the fresh blood, his red stained teeth in the form of a grin, his clothes muddy from tackling the animal…but if you ignored all that, it was a beautiful picture.

The time Esme and Carlisle had baked a cake for Emmett's first vampire birthday. They substituted the milk with type AB blood, the sugar with type B blood, and the eggs with type A blood. And they threw in an each sprinkle of type O for taste. It was the best, sort your birthday, cake anyone had ever eaten. The Cullens could only eat it because it was just a tube of blood sitting on table with a candle floating at the top.

Another picture, Jasper and Emmett basket weaving. They fell in love with basket weaving after they had watched the do it yourself channel.

The next picture was of Alice and Rosalie when they went backstage and met Ricky Martin. Those girls were 'Livin' La Vida Loca'.

There was Edward and Bella doing the bump. The picture had been taken when the Cullens invited the wolf pack over for a house party. And somehow, Mike ended up there and in the punch bowl. Leading Jasper and Emmett to get down with their bad selves.

Then weirder than all the humans appearing, someone called the Volturi and they concluded the house party by first nibbling on Eric, and then declaring a 'no vampire house party' rule. This broke Alice's heart so much she went straight to Italy and overthrew the Volturi herself. And since then, Alice has been the queen of the vampires.

Carlisle's eyes found the next photo, him and Rosalie after he had just bit her and she was writhing in pain.

_Oh, what a gorgeous shot. _Carlisle thought, as he stared at his smiling frozen face in the picture. Rosalie was next to him clawing at his arm, her mouth open letting out a screech. Edward was nice enough to capture this moment, like Carlisle had capture this same kind of moment with him.

Finally, Carlisle looked at the last picture. It was him, Esme and Renesmee with Jake hovering the background like a mad mother waiting to take her child to soccer practice.

He looked over the happy faces (well, except for Jacob, who kind looked it a panther or a dug beetle, Carlisle wasn't really sure). He stopped on his wife, her smiling eyes, and lovely face.

Then slowly he moved to his granddaughter…and that's when it hit him like a homing missile targeted for the Cullen house, because someone figured out that Alice was the queen of the vampires and they didn't like that. So they decided they were going to nuke the Cullen home before they could overthrow the world. Thus saving the world from a certain doom that would have been brought on by the Cullens. And in conclusion, Emmett saved the world. Got it?

He, Carlisle Cullen, was _OLD._

Not just like old in regular Times New Roman; Edward was that kind of old. Still young enough to have the word in lower case. No, Carlisle was old as in caps lock and italics.

Well, at least he wasn't _**OLD **_like Aro. His kind of old was with a b with an old at the end, italicized and caps lock.

And he was extremely grateful he wasn't _**OLD**_ , that was just awfully old.

Carlisle began to grieve. He was too gorgeous to be this _OLD_! He'd even take Jasper's _old._

Edward, the old man, walked in at that moment, "What's up, Carlisle?" He was holding Renesmee in his arms.

"I'm _OLD._" He moaned, glancing up to see the baby. "She made me _OLD_!" He accused while pointing at Renesmee.

"Umm…Carlisle, you are old. You're about three hundred years old." Edward rocked Renesmee. "Nessie had nothing to do with that."

"Yes she did! I'm having my mid-life crisis because of her!"

"Carlisle, you can't have a mid-life crisis…you're going to live forever, thus you will never be at mid-life."

As Carlisle and Edward conversed, Renesmee had grown five feet and was standing on her own two legs.

She jumped in. "God, Gramps. Get over yourself." She looked at Edward. "You too, Ed."

"Renesmee, be nice." Edward patted her on the head.

"God, Dad. You're messing up my perfect hair that can't actually be messed up, because I'm just too perfect for that. What's wrong with you?"

Edward rolled his eyes. "Renesmee, can't you see your grandfather is having a very hard time with his kids and grandkids growing up?"

"Who's growing?" She shook her head. "You know, I don't care. God, I hate this freaking family…Oh yeah, Ed. Jake and I are getting married in Vegas tomorrow and then I'm going to live out my dream as a stripper. See ya." She waved and left to go make-out with Jake.

Carlisle watched her leave. "NOOOOO! She's all grown up. It seems like yesterday she was just born."

"That was yesterday." Edward was contemplating going to stop his daughter from marring Jake and becoming a stripper, but she was too perfect, so nothing would go wrong. So in the end, Edward just stayed with the _OLD_ Carlisle.

"I've got to do young things!" Carlisle stood, grabbing Edward. "Let's go, you old man!" They ran out the door.

First off they stopped at Chuck E. Cheese, and played in the play tunnels until a couple of first graders called Carlisle a booger. The two-some left very hurt.

Next stop was Wal-Mart to play in the toy isle. They ran into the isle only to find Emmett and Jasper already playing with all the Ben 10 toys.

"Hey, guys!" Carlisle yelled as they jumped into the pile of toys with Emmett and Jasper.

They played with the pogo sticks, rode bikes, watched Shark Boy and Lava Girl and laughed through the part were Shark Boy sings.

"What's this?" Emmett held up a baby doll.

"It's a baby doll." Edward walked over to examine it. "It's actually a Cuddly, Sweet, Soft, Pinky, Lovely Baby Doll. The exact kind Renesmee wanted!" He realized. "I'll buy it for her wedding gift!"

At that moment, a group of three-years-old stood at the end of the isle, all glaring at Emmett and the doll in his hands.

"He's got the _last_ Cuddly, Sweet, Soft, Pinky, Lovely Baby Doll." The girls growled. "GET THEM!"

The three-year-olds pounced on the group. Emmett dropped the doll. "Jasper!" He yelled. "Use your deliciously awesome power to get the kids to maul each other!"

"Good idea." Jasper spun around. "Calm down." The toddler fell to the floor like at nap time. "Now, you are all angry at her." He pointed to the girl who started the attack.

The girls woke up and tackled their former leader. "No!" She screamed.

It was then that they noticed Edward at the check out with the doll. He went back to rescue it for his baby girl.

"GET THEM!" The leader screeched. And suddenly the little girls Jasper had just made angrier, were mangling the Cullen boys.

They finally escaped. Edward had lost the doll and he was heart broken.

What would he give to his daughter who was now pregnant with Jacob's babies at this point? She just aged so fast. That what started out as a Vegas wedding tomorrow, ended up as wedding the same morning she had announced it. And that afternoon she was three months pregnant.

"I'm _still OLD!"_ Carlisle cried. "What do young people do these days?"

His sons looked at one another.

"Let's go make you young, Carlisle." Edward took his hand. "They way everyone gets young these days."

--

Three days and fourteen plastic surgeries (A/N: Yeah, plastic surgery wouldn't actually work on him, but that's how people stay young these days it seems….) later, Carlisle was ready for his big reveal.

The whole family, minus Bella who was shopping for baby clothes for her new grandchildren that were born yesterday, waited anxiously and suddenly, he appeared.

And much to their dismay, he looked like Demi Lovato.

"I told them to make me look like the youngest and hippest person on T.V.." Carlisle smiled modeling. "I rock. This is me." He smiled.

Bella came through the front door without knocking as always. She saw Carlisle. "OH MY GOD! DEMI IS OUT TO GET ME AGAIN! Edward, use your old-ness to protect me!" She hid behind him. He rolled his eyes.

--

Author's Note: I kind of mixed to people's requests together…I hope you don't mind. Anyway this was for both TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes, for Carlisle's mid-life crisis and EdwardCullensLuckyBite, for the rabid toddlers. Hope you both enjoyed! :D

OH YEAH, I meant to say this like two chapters ago...THANK YOU GUYS! WE BROKE 1000 REVIEWS! Oh my Carlisle Cullen, thank you all so much! I love you! (Yay, I finally proclaimed my love for you guys! lol! XD). THANKS so much for all the support and everything else. You guys, seriously ROCK beyond all belief! You all get imaginary hugs! (hugs reviewers, favoriters, and readers!) THANKS!


	81. Concert

Disclaimer: Ownage on Twilight is a nope… Or Ring Pops. Or the Backstreet Boys. OR N'Sync. Or Cheetah Girls. Or Jonas Brother. Or Demi (I'm out to get Bella) Lovato. Or Camp Rock.

Author's Note: So, how's life? Summer is ending, how sad. My best friend is going to laugh at me for writing this story all summer. She'll say I'm weird. But that was her opinion of me prior to this being written. XD Anyway, let's kick this pig!

--

Emmett stared at the T.V. watching nothing, but the flashing colors that past. He gasped in amazement as they changed. It was a miracle of the world in action.

Edward strolled into the living room. "What's up, Em?" He asked, not really caring what was up with him, but he wanted to have the first line in this chapter.

"Hush, Edward." His eyes didn't leave the screen. "Watching the flashing colors. It. Is. So. _Pretty_." A smiled crossed Emmett's face. "Like Ring Pops…those are _so_ pretty." He said in a tone that made him sound memorized.

"Ok…" Edward's eyes shifted around the room. "So, are you planning on being here all day?"

Emmett nodded. A stream of what looked like drool to the human eye dripped down from his mouth to his chin. Edward knew when Emmett was salivating venom that something was going to go terribly wrong.

The last time this had happened, Edward, Jacob, Sam, Mike and him had ended up at a Backstreet Boys concert each dressed as one of the boys. Edward was Howie, Jacob was Nick, Sam was Kevin, Emmett was A.J. and Mike was Brian. It was horrible. Emmett had made them all sing along to every song and learn the dance moves.

Alice, Bella, and Rosalie had found it ultra (REALLY) amusing. Jasper on the other hand was insulted that Emmett had chosen the tasty Mike over him. So in retaliation, Jasper started his own N'Sync band. Forcing Embry, Tyler, Carlisle, and Benjamin to join him in his quest to overthrow Emmett's boy band.

In the end, they joined together and created the tribute boy band called Backstreet Sync. And thus for the past twenty-seven days, Edward and the rest of those forced into joining one of the two bands, were on a Forks wide tour. Playing at every restaurant, school, and strip bar they could find. Which in total they played about three shows.

Anyway, so after they had finally returned home, now Emmett was making his 'I'm going to force everyone into a stupid tribute band' face again.

Edward cringed thinking about life on the road. It was awful.

"Emmett, what are you thinking?" Edward asked dreading the answer. They were going to end up dressed as they Cheetah Girls this time; he could feel it. "Are you going to make us be the Cheetah Girls or something?"

"No!" Emmett said waving his hand. "I already did that."

"Oh yeah." Edward had forgotten that not a week ago after the Cheetah Girls: One World (as opposed to nineteen worlds) movie came out; Emmett had cast all the Cheetah Girl parts away. Carlisle was Galleria, Rosalie was Chanel, Alice was Aqua, and Jasper was Doe.

The four-some was required to practice day and night until they were cheetalicious.

"So, what are you thinking?" Edward questioned, still scared of the answer.

Emmett smiled. "WE'RE GOING TO A…can I get a drum roll?"

Jacob appeared and morphed into a drum, and Jasper came over and beat on him. Creating a steadily growing louder beat.

"WE ARE GOING TO SEE A JONAS BROTHER CONCERT!"

Bella's screech of a scream was heard from upstairs; it wasn't one of joy though, it was one of horror. "Emmett! NO! Do you know who opens for the Jonas Brothers?" He shook his head. "DEMI-I-WANT-TO-KILL-BELLA-LOVATO!"

"Oh, Bella." Emmett laughed. "She won't see you from the stage. We in the front row."

"She's going to eat my soul." Bella said emotionless. "We're in the front row!" She perked up in a minute once she got over the fact Demi was out to get her.

"Yup." He smiled. "It'll be great!" He gave her a thumbs up. "Well, except for Demi eating your soul. That might suck."

She nodded. "Yeah, it might. How many tickets you got?"

"Enough for us, our favorite paranoid friend, and your drum of a best friend." Emmett motioned to Jake who was still a drum.

"Excellent." Bella smiled.

"Demi." Rosalie said from across the room. Bella screamed.

--

Two days later they arrived at the concert four days early.

Carlisle opened a lawn chair. "Best to be early."

The next four days were kind of boring and since I'm truthfully too lazy to actually come up with anything we're just going to pretend that a black hole opened and time was sped up really fast.

Ready?

TIME WARP!

It was the day of the concert. The Cullens were trying to find their seats. When Emmett said front row, he really did mean front and center. Demi would only be a few feet away from Bella. She was panicked.

Edward promised if she tried anything he'd have Jacob turn into a match, light him and cause a mandatory fire escape for everyone.

The concert began with microphone checks. Bella bounced anxiously in her seat, looking from side to side.

Emmett squealed with joy that he was finally going to see his cuddle muffin Kevin Jonas in person.

Alice was getting ready to go to the Year 3000.

Rosalie was trying to escape.

Esme was wondering if she left the stove on.

Jacob was thinking about ponies.

Sam had had his paperclip taken by security for fear it was a weapon. He was nearly to tears as he blamed _That Woman_ for forcing him to come here.

Edward blinked.

And Carlisle was wondering if people would confuse him with Demi, considering he looked just like her now.

At that moment the lights fell and from underneath the floor Demi Lovato arose, her back to the crowd.

"She's using her rock powers!" Bella cried. Throwing her face into Edward's lap.

"You'll be ok, Bella." Edward brushed his fingers through her hair. Bella let out a wail in reply.

Demi spun around and began her song. Sam's eyes went wide. Connected to her jeans was a shiny, silver paperclip looking item. It was his, he was sure.

"She's got my paperclip." He growled. "Must retrieve." He watched the metal hopping up and down around her leg. Sam pounced at the stage.

Demi let out a yelp when she saw him crawling his way slowly towards he. His eyes were vicious, his smile was wicked; Sam meant business.

"Ummm…sir." Demi spoke nervously. "Please, leave the stage." She looked for security.

"Give me my precious." His eyes never leaving the shiny object attached to her hip.

"What?" Demi looked both confused and frustrated.

"She's getting angry!" Bella cried. "She's going to attack Sam! No matter how much she wants to kill me! I must save him!" Bella leaped from Edward's lap.

Sam was trying to corner Demi, but she was moving to keep herself from being trapped. "Please, sir." She held up her arms. "Calm down and leave the stage."

"SAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMM!" Bella shouted with Jacob in the form of a guitar in her hand. "Stop you rock and roll, fiend!" Bella pointed at Demi.

"Yeah." Demi searched for her security. "Are you with him?" She motioned to Sam, who looked like a ravenous bear.

"You shall not eat his soul!" Bella strummed Jacob. "I shall use your own rocking power against you!" Bella began to play some hardcore rock.

"Precious…" Sam moaned staring at the paperclip like thing dancing on Demi's hip.

"SECURITY, PLEASE!" Demi yelled in fear that Bella would Camp Rock her socks off. Bella smirked knowing she had won.

"Yes, run!" Bella laughed, while keeping her hardcore music going. "Muh ha ha ha! I have defeated you Demi Lovato and now you shall never we rock anyone until they say hasta la vista again!" Bella let out and evil laugh.

Sam took this opportunity, while Bella was making her evil demands, to jump Demi. He landed on her and pulled the metal from her pants. Only to realize it was just a belt, not a paperclip. He cried.

--

Author's Note: Just an FYI: We really have nothing against Demi Lovato. We just watched Camp Rock and this is what happened. That's it! Lol!

This chapter is for Cullens-evil angel1901! Hope you liked it! :D


	82. Where's Waldo

Disclaimer: The owning of Twilight and me is a no

Disclaimer: The owning of Twilight and me is a no! Or Where's Waldo?

Author's Note: A quick chapter, because I'm too tired to think of anything else….

--

Emmett stared intently on his new obsession of this current ten minutes. It was a book. A book simply named, "Where's Waldo?".

Emmett grumbled. He had been on the same page for the past eight minutes; he only had two more minutes before he gave up.

This darn Waldo was hiding somewhere in a sea of red and white. And conveniently, Emmett noted, that Waldo was wearing red and white as well. Emmett vowed that once he located the nerd with the glasses, he was going to destroy him for causing him so much inconvenience.

Jasper had gotten this book nearly a month ago. He had had mad Waldo finding skill, and so he found the little bugger in two minutes tops on each of the twelve pages. Edward was the same way.

The rest of the family also gave the locating Waldo game a try. Alice thought Waldo wasn't fashion forward enough, so she refused to find him. Rosalie hid out for weeks, just so she wouldn't be asked to participate. Carlisle said that he believed if Waldo wants to be found, then we can find him; it's all up to him. Esme kept claiming that some chick on one of the pages was Waldo.

Even Bella and Jacob had sited the menace that was plaguing Emmett's present ten minute lifestyle. Bella actually had laughed at his difficulty with finding Waldo.

One minute left. Emmett's eyes were growing tired of looking intently upon the picture in the book. "Darn it, Waldo! Appear! Appear! What? Do you like Jasper better?" He cried.

"The answer is yes." Jasper sat behind the couch where Emmett sat. He was hidden so that Emmett could not see him. "I _love_ Jasper. He's so cool."

Quietly, there was a whisper from the kitchen about italics, where Bella, Edward and Jacob were chilling.

"Waldo? Is that you?" Emmett stood. "Why can't I find you?" He fell to his knees. "WHERE ARE YOU WALDO?"

"Because I'm far too awesome for you." Jasper replied. "You will never find me. Ha ha!"

"NOOOOOO!" Emmett yet out a yell of pain. "Why must you evade my eyes? You are far too tricky for me! This is a nightmare!"

"I told you. Jasper is so much cooler than you. He's got the hair, the style, the wife, the motorcycle. He's just a amazing guy." Jasper began to ramble on about himself and how kick butt awesome he was.

Thirty seconds left. Emmett was giving in that he would never locate the nerd in the glasses. He had failed. His afterlife meant nothing if he couldn't find anything. He was going to be lonely, horribly lonely. All because of Waldo.

Twenty seconds left.

"Jasper's got a lot of brains. He's so sexy. He's got a sexy wife. Shall I continue?" Jasper asked Emmett.

"Sure…my afterlife is over anyway. I guess Jasper can be better than me at the end of it." He sighed.

Ten seconds left to unearth the mystery on that red hat monster.

The book lay open across the room, which was filled with the sound of Jasper talking about how wonderful he was.

Emmett crawled over to it…Five seconds.

His eyes gazed over the page, not really paying attention. He was thinking about everything he had never done before. He had never square danced, bungee jumped, got lost on a deserted island, got attacked by a rabid chipmunk, told Rosalie that he was actual-

His thoughts were cut off by a certain sight, a man in a red hat carrying a cane. "OH MY GOD!" He jumped up "I found Waldo!"

"Took you long enough to finish the first page." Jasper mumbled.

"I found him! I found him! I found hi-" Zero seconds left. Emmett's eyes caught sight of a shiny mirror on the opposite side of the room. "Oooo…Shiny."

--

Author's Note:…


	83. Names

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight…nope

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight…nope.

Author's Note: … Breaking Dawn Spoilers.

--

Bella sat on the couch. Her very pregnant belly (eight months or so), she had had all of ten minutes, was exposed, so she could see the bruised skin. She smiled tracing each bruise with her finger.

"I need a name for you, don't I?" Bella spoke to the child and no one else. Even though, Edward, Rosalie, and Jacob were hovering over top of her. Their faces nearly touching hers, it was a uncomfortable position for some to be in, but Bella didn't care. She had a mutant baby to talk to.

"What should I name you?" She asked. "Debbie?" There was a silence, no painful ripping sound as the baby cracked her ribs. Like the child did when it was happy. Apparently the name Debbie wasn't making the child break Bella's bones. Meaning the kid didn't like the name.

"Oh, poo. I thought you would like that one." Bella tapped her chin with her finger. "Let's see. How about Karin, if you're a girl?" Nothing. "Laura." Nothing. "Darcy." Nothing. "Sarah." Nothing.

"Bella," Rosalie spoke. "Try a boy's name. Maybe it's a boy."

"Good idea." Bella smiled. "How about…umm…George?" Nothing. "Kevin?" Nothing.

"Edward?" This name received a small kick in the side. It wasn't side splittingly painful, meaning Edward and something else would be the perfect boy's name.

Bella cocked her head. "Taylor?" Nothing. She looked around the room. "I know! I'll name the little mutan- I mean- baby after my two favorite people. One of which I married and I am having a crazy mutant child that's trying to kill me with. And the other, I broke his heart and was completely cruel to, but he never gave up on being my best friend."

Edward and Jacob looked at each other and shrugged. They didn't know who she was referring to. Which made Edward antsy, for that meant Bella was married. And for Jacob he was a little insulted she has another best friend she was incredibly brutal to. Who did she think she was?

"Edward Jacob." She grinned at the name. "EJ." There was a searing pain in her side. "Yay!"

"Umm…Bella, dear." Edward cut in on her naming session. "It kind of sounds like you couldn't pick a name, so you just used both."

"No, Edward." Jacob stopped him. "Don't make fun of the name until we've heard the middle name." Edward nodded. "Bella, what's his middle name?"

"Well, I decided to go with the names of all of my favorite male vampires and werewolves. His middle name is Carlisle-Emmett-Sam-Embry-Jasper-Marcus-Quil-Collin-Brady-Jared-Paul. It's got hyphens in it, so it's only one word."

"Ok, this kid's name is going to be Edward Jacob Carlisle-Emmett-Sam-Embry-Jasper-Marcus-Quil-Collin-Brady-Jared-Paul Swan-Cullen." Jacob rubbed his chin. "Rolls right off the tongue."

Edward smiled. "You're right! So, what's the name for a girl?"

Bella pondered. "Well, since we're going with ridiculously long, complicated and strange names…I was thinking about doing a tribute name. Like you know how celebrities get their names mixed to make it one couple name?"

Jacob nodded. He knew all the popular couple mixed names. Bradgelina, Bedward, Jassie (A/N: Ok, Nessie isn't born yet in this story, but that one makes me laugh), all the big ones.

"You want to mix names together?" Edward raised an eyebrow. "Ok, let's do it."

"We need to random people to mix their names together…" Bella looked off into the distance, thinking. "How about Alice and…the Third Wife?"

"Third Alice?" Jacob answered.

"No," Bella shook her head. "That's not weird enough."

"Oh," Edward chimed in. "Phil mixed with Mike. Pike."

Bella bit her lip and shook her head again. "How about Jane and Rosalie…Jasalie. No. That won't do." She pondered again. "Angela and Bre…Angre. Billy and J. Jenks…J. Billy."

"Jasper and Emmett," Jacob spoke up. "Jasmmett."

"Kim and Emily," Edward joined. "Kimily."

"Quil and Claire." Jacob said next. The two guys were having too much fun with this. "Quire."

"How about Carlisle and Mr. Banner? Mr. Carler." Edward said.

Bella was getting annoyed with their names that weren't strange enough for her. "Enough! I figured it out." Both guys went silent. "Renee and Esme…Renesmee."

"Bells," Jacob stopped her before she could continue. "That's PERFECT! It's so different and unique; no one will ever be able to pronounce it! Plus, it sounds like it's a couple name for your mom and Ed's mom!"

"I'm just happy you didn't in any way honor my actual mother in that name!" Edward gave her a thumbs up.

"Want to hear the middle name?" They both nodded. "Charlie and Carlisle makes Carlie!"

"Yay for forgetting to add in my actual dad!" Edward cheered.

"Renesmee Carlie!" Jacob cheered. "That's the perfect name for a mutant baby!"

Bella smiled. "I know it's great, right?"

Jacob looked at Bella's stomach. "You better be a girl! Since I really rather not imprint on a boy." Edward and Bella glared at him. "I mean-I wouldn't want to throw you out a window. And two I like the girl's name better."

The happy, sort of, family all looked at Bella's stomach.

Bella stopped the moment. "Umm…even though I just got pregnant yesterday. I think I'm in labor." She laughed, while she threw up blood. "Yup, labor!" They all smiled...then Jacob remembered he hated the baby. He scowled.

--

Author's Note: My sister absolutely dislikes Renesmee. I'm ok with her for one reason and one reason only. She's in love with Jacob. I would have been happy with anyone loving him; he just needed someone. So, I'm glad she's there for that….

Her name…it's interesting to say the least. It's kind of grown on me.


	84. The Call

Disclaimer: …

Disclaimer: ….crickets….oh wait. I don't own Twilight. Or the song Grillz.

Author's Note: Ok, I'm going to make this one short because I've got some stuff I need to do before I go to bed…. Oh yes, Sort of a Breaking Dawn Spoiler.

--

Emmett pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and dialed a number he dialed nearly everyday of his afterlife.

"Hello, this vampire centra- I mean. I'm Gianna. How can I help you?" Gianna was sitting at the receptionist's desk in the kingdom of the Volturi. Her feet were propped up, as she chewed on a piece of old bubble gum.

"Hi, Gianna!" Emmett greeted excitedly.

"Oh, hi, Emmett." She filed her pointer fingernail and was examining the job she had done. "Who do you want to annoy?"

"Umm….Aro."

She rolled her eyes. "Fine. I'll patch him through. Have a nice day." She snapped her gum in the speaker of her phone.

"Bye!" Emmett was so, so extremely happy he would get to talk to Aro. He was so cool and fun. And funny. And fun. And wonderful. And great. And fun. And Emmett loved him.

"Hello," Aro came on the phone.

"HI, ARSKILLET!" Emmett screeched.

"Oh, it's you. Sorry, G. I didn't know this waz one of Carlsizzle's home skilletz. I would have greeted you like a brother. Word."

"No foul. No foul. Just wanted to ask you a few questions, yo. You down wit dat?" Emmett turned the song 'Grillz' up louder in the background to add to the whole scene. Aro had just recently started using his personal slang he used with Carlisle with the rest of the family, and Emmett didn't want to offend.

"Dat's cool. Ask away."

"Well, we're your parental units like archers or somethin', dat day wanted to name you afta dare fav thing, yo." It was something that kept Emmett up all night thinking about (not that he wasn't up already). He just needed to know.

"Yo, man. I really don't wanna talk about dem squares right now. But yeah, dems were archers and day used ta use me as dare arrow. So, like, yo. Day totally named me afta my purpose in my life."

"Word, man. I heard ya." Emmett sighed. "Dem dat were my parents named me afta some truck driver day met in a truck stop in Wyoming. Dem dare saw his nametag dat said 'Emmett' and day were all like, 'Yo, man. Dat would be a perfect name for a kid, yo.'"

"I hear ya. I hear ya." Aro replied, feeling the pain Emmett felt since he was named after some guy his parents saw in a truck stop; heart breaking. "So, like is Carlsizzle or Edshizzle or Alskizzle or Bellchizzle in da house?"

"No, sorry, Aroskillet. Day left cause I waz annoying dem too much. So I've been callin' Gianna to talk to you guys."

"Oh." Aro looked at his watch. "Well, I gotta go. The wivez will be mad if I miss."

"OH. MY. GOD. Not the wivez!" Emmett cried out. Whenever the wives were involved everything just got ten times more serious.

"Yeah, the wivz."

"Go, Aroskillet! Go now!" Emmett began to tearlessly sob, but he abruptly stopped. "Oh, tell Jane-fo-chizzle, dat our date is still on."

"Ok."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Not the wivez!" Emmett fell to the floor in a fetal position.

Aro hung up the phone before either could say anything else.

--

Author's Note: Did anyone else notice how freaked out everyone got over the wives coming, but they did absolutely nothing? Seriously, I think I would be a little more concerned that the entire Volturi is coming to kill me, instead of panicking over the wives.


	85. Deer

Disclamer: Ha ha…clams…Oh right

Disclamer: Ha ha…clams…Oh right. Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. Or New York Times Best Seller List. Or Saving Private Ryan. Or The Hills. OR Grandma Got Ran Over By a Reindeer. Or Newberry Award.

Author's Note: In honor of our first cross-country meet of the season tomorrow, I've decided to write something that somehow, someway relates to a cross-country story we have…

--

Edward scoured the woodlands looking for his next prey. He could hear a deer not too far from where he was now located. He smelled the air, inhaling the scent.

"Northwest." He sniffed again. "Emmett?" Edward took off in the way of the deer.

Emmett was supposed to be at home with writing his autobiography; entitled, 'Emmett McCarthy Cullen: A True American Man'. Alice had had a vision and he was going to top the New York Times Best Seller List, knocking Reconstructing Dusk to number twelve thousand nine hundred and four-seven.

Edward arrived at the spot where the deer's scent ended. He glanced about the area, sensing Emmett's near presence.

"Emmett?" He called.

It was then that Emmett appeared out of the trees jogging. "Hi, Edward!" He waved.

"Umm…aren't supposed to writing a autobiography?"

"Yup, but I needed more action. So…I enlisted Jacob here." Emmett reached behind a tree and pulled Jacob out, who looked incredibly confused.

"This is not my parent!" Jacob pointed at Emmett and ran towards Edward. "You _are_ –he he italics- not my parent either!" He cried.

"No, Jacob. Nor would I want to be." Edward looked over at Emmett. "What are you doing?"

"Adding action." He skipped over and took Jacob by the arm. Jacob whimpered as Emmett pulled him back away from Edward. 'Help me.', he mouth in the process. "Jacob and I were just about to reenact the opening scene from _Saving Private Ryan_." Emmett smiled.

"You're going to reenact a war scene that is on a beach with hundreds of people with just you, Jacob and a forest?" Edward raised an eyebrow.

"No, silly." Emmett laughed. "I brought people. More people, come out." Embry stepped out.

"Oh, now that's war." Edward rolled his eyes.

"Well, Embry's not actually going to be fighting. He's just a corpse." Embry nodded and fell to the ground. "Jacob and I are going to go save Private Ryan, right?" He turned to Jacob, who was on his knees mouthing out pleas to Edward to save him.

'Please, please, please. Edward, please. Please….' Jacob mouthed. "I mean, yes. Let's save a fictional movie character." He smiled. 'Please.'

"Oh well have fun." Edward began to walk away.

Suddenly, the deer Edward had been tracking ran out, plowing over Emmett in the process, knocking him to the ground.

"QUICK! WHILE HE'S DOWN!" Jacob ran over and grabbed Embry and they fled for the Hills.

"Emmett? Emmett? Are you alright?" Edward was leaning over him. Technically, Emmett should have been stronger than the deer and should have knocked it over, but due to the fact that logic doesn't really matter in the story, it knocked him over.

"What happened?" Emmett stood up.

"I can tell you in song…" Edward pulled a guitar out of nowhere and began to sing and commonly known song with a twist.(A/N: To the song: Grandma Got Ran Over By a Reindeer by Less Than Jake (this one doesn't really match)) "_Emmett got ran over by a deer. Walking around the forest at nearly eve. You can say there's no such thing as random deer attacks. But as me for me and Jacob and Embry, we believe."_

"Wow, Edward. Your parodies are usually go pretty well with the actually rhythm of the song, but that was just horrible."

Edward shrugged. "Just made it up."

"So, what do we do now?" Emmett looked around, noticing a book on the ground. He picked it up and read the cover. " 'Jacob Black: For the Love Italics'…aww…Jake already wrote a autobiography. And it says it a Newberry Award winner and New York Times Best Seller List. Dang. I give up. My ten minutes are going to be up in four seconds anyway. Let's go home."

Edward nodded and the two left.

--

"Ha, ha! We made it to the Hills!" Jacob laughed. "This is great. Right, Embry?" Embry was staring blankly at a girl named Lauren Conrad. It was like a blind man seeing the sun for the first time.

"I have to talk to her." Embry walked over like a zombie.

"OH NO, EMBRY! YOU JUST IMPRINTED, DIDN'T YOU?" Jacob pulled his mirror out and looked at himself. "You're still prettier." He glanced up at the lovesick Embry.

Embry was now standing right next to Lauren. "I love you."

"Huh?" Lauren pulled out her script. "That's not in the script….I mean. I don't know you. Eww…gross." She tried to shoo him with her hands.

He sat down next to her grinning like a stalker. "You can spurn my affection as much as you like. I'll always love you." He looked loving at her.

"Seriously." She looked around. "Heidi, does it say some lovesick stalker sits and looks all creepy at Lauren?" Heidi shook her head. "Please, go away. You're not in the script."

"I can re-write the script. So that we're best friends." He grinned, taking Lauren's and Heidi's scripts. He scribbled 'Embry and Lauren are best friends'.

The girls took their scripts back. "Oh," Lauren pointed. "It says were best friends. Since the script hasn't been wrong before I guess we are." She hugged him.

--

Author's Note: Oh the Hills. I've only watched like three episodes…my friend was trying to convince me it wasn't scripted. Umm…yeah.

Oh yes, and the whole being hit by a deer thing actually happened. A junior high runner got ran over by a deer. I felt bad for the poor kid…Though it was so funny! Lol!


	86. Mirror

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. I can't think of anything else… OR The Hills.

Author's Note: So, I had my first cross-country race of the season and what happens? I slip going down a wet hill and bruise my leg…Ugh…so much fun….Anyway, I really don't have anything pertinent to say here, so let's begin.

--

"Ugh." Edward crinkled his nose. "Jacob, do you realize how _incredibly_ bad you stink? It's like rotten eggs left to sit in an oven for six years. Then baked in hot vegetable oil. Roasted in a broiler. And deep fried in pizza grease."

Jacob giggled. His for one second his two favorite things were in the same room at once. He was staring at his own reflection while Edward spoke in italics. A dream come true!

"Tee hee. You talked in _italics_. Like me." Jacob bit his lip trying to look as sexy as he could while he gazed at his gorgeous complexion.

Edward took the mirror and smashed to pieces on the ground. His eyes met Jacob's.

Jacob's expression fell. "You killed my beautiful reflection! How will I look at myself?" He fell to his knees in near defeat.

"I'll make you a deal." Jacob looked up hopefully. "You let Alice give you a bath-"

"What can't you give me a bath?" Jake asked, cutting him off.

"Because that would be beyond weird." Edward turned. "I know I kissed you and wrote a song about it, but that's just too far."

Jacob huffed a sigh. "Fine." He finally agreed. "But what will you do for me?"

"Besides make the world a better place by removing your stench…." He paused. "I'll buy you a new mirror and speaking in italics for hours. Sound ok?"

Jacob grinned wildly, nodding like crazy. "Yeah, yeah, yeah!"

"Now, go!" Edward pointed towards the bathroom.

--

Alice had finished with the bath and needed to dry Jake. And since Jacob thought it was strange for him to be in his human form for this, he had transformed into a wolf for the bath.

Edward was waiting downstairs with a full-length mirror that he had bought while Jacob was in the bathroom. He decided he would be nice and even let Jake have a full view of himself, instead of the headshot he was so fond of.

Jake burst into the room, his soaking wet fur throwing small droplets of water throughout the entire room.

Edward stood. "This was not part of the deal?" He raised an eyebrow. "I said that Alice was going to give you a bath, that included everything. Even this."

Alice sprinted her way into the room; her hair flying each which way as she tossed it about shaking her head searching for her prey. "Where is he?"

Edward pointed to Jacob, who was hiding, quite poorly, under a white sheet.

"Found you!" Alice whipped her tools of torture out, a hairdryer and a spiral comb. "I just need to groom you. So that you're all pretty and you look like a show dog." She grinned and threw her small self over on top of Jacob. He whimpered.

Edward smirked. "That was our deal, Jacob. You're going to be _gorgeous!_" Edward laughed.

Jacob wiggled himself out of Alice's grasp and began to make a run for it. She growled and chased after him.

"Oh no you don't! You are going to stay here and be blow dried and made to look so pretty!" Alice hopped on his back, trying to knock him over.

--

Eventually, she succeeded and finalized her grooming of Jacob. She tied a bowtie around his wolf neck and had a wolf tuxedo especially made just for him. Luckily, she knew the only place in the world where they make wolf size clothing.

"And now presenting the now handsome, Jacob Black." Jacob walked out in his human form wearing the oversized clothing. "Oh, Jake. You're supposed to stay as a wolf." She grumbled.

"Pish. If I stayed in wolf form I wouldn't be able to see my own sexiness." He took notice to the full size mirror. "Hey, beautiful-oh, I mean- Edward?"

Edward rolled his eyes. "_Hello, you sexy beast._ How was that?"

"Good. Just added more passion to the italics." Edward nodded.

"_You're one completely and total package of a shape shifter. You gorgeously beautiful hunk…"_ The compliments continued for three straight hours, until a unexpectied guest came over.

Embry walked through the door with Lauren, his imprint lover. "Hey, guys. I just wanted to tell you that I'm back in town."

"Yeah, there was a re-write in the script and now I live in Forks." Lauren smiled and they left.

"Hmph." Jacob pouted. "They broke up my me time, just to say some random information of why Embry will be showing up randomly still. I need a compliment."

"_You're so pretty."_ Edward said while smiling.

"Oh, thank you, mirror. I love me too!"

--

Author's Note: This was for BellaSwan321, our adoring fan! :D And also for Ninja Spork, for mentioning what Jacob's perfect item would be! Lol! I hope you like it!


	87. Lemons

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight…Never have, never will

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight…Never have, never will. OR Kebbler Elf. Or The Wiggles. Or Elle. Or Pine Sol. Or The Booty Drop. Or American Eagle.

Author's Note: Tomorrow's update will be earlier due to the fact I will have to go to sleep earlier because school will be starting the following day. Which means our updates will either be slower, every once in a while, non-existent (until possible next summer…I don't think this one will happen, but you never know), or the same (This one is almost positively a no). Just an FYI.

--

Edward and Bella sat at the usually Cullen lunch table. Which, since the Cullens had gotten less creepy since Jasper, Emmett and Rosalie had graduated, was filled with more humans and Keebler elves than a Wiggles Live concert.

Alice skipped happily over to her regular seat across from those crazy lovebirds. She smiled and placed her tray, overflowing with food she wasn't going to eat, on the table.

"Why so much food, Alice?" Bella took note of the huge pile. There were seven apples, a can of soda, twenty-two fish sticks, a roasted garlic chipmunk, forty-six lemons and a muffin.

"Well…" She stopped. "I really don't know." She said joyfully as she sat down. "Just wanted it."

Bella noticed Edward eying the pile of lemons. "Edward?" He turned to look at Bella. "Do you want a lemon?"

"They're sour, right?" Bella nodded. "I have an idea." He snatched the lemons from Alice's tray and using lightning fast vampire speed (Now with REAL LIGHTNING!) he cut the lemons in half and squeezed some of the juice on all the humans' lunches.

There was thunderous crack as the REAL LIGHTNING from Edward's super sonic speed finally made its signature sound.

"Edward, what did you do?" Bella asked with an expression of concern crossing her face.

"Oh nothing." Alice laughed, no doubt seeing the outcome.

And in a matter of seconds the humans took a bite of their now lemony food.

Mike was the first to react. He coughed. "Oh. Oh my god!" He choked. "I think there is lemon in my fruit salad!"

"It's a fruit salad." Jessica commented. "It had lemon in it to begin with."

"But I hate lemon! Why would someone do this?" His eyes searched the room for prime suspects. They froze on Edward. _He knows my secret and now he's trying to kill me! He must know that any lemon type of product in a large amount is potentially deadly to elfish cookie makers! Oh it's on! _

"Are you alright, Mik-" Jessica began to choke. She fainted. Cullen must have also known that annoying shallow girls don't reacted well to lemons. It sends them into a state of shock and then unconsciousness.

This was the knowledge Mike had learned after he had read his – I mean his cousin's- Elle magazine. It was under the title: Lemons of DOOM!

Angela was happily chewing away at her leafy salad. "Ben, honey bunny?" She grinned. "Did you put lemon in my liver salad?"

"Sure didn't" He replied while him scrunched his face at the sour taste of lemon in his meatball pizza.

"Oh, ok." She continued eating.

"Why do you ask?" He began hitting his head off the table for the taste of lemon drove him CRAZY! _It's so lemony! It's. Like. Eating. Pine Sol! Oh. My. God. _

"'Cause that would be totally romantic. Because lemon is a romance fruit like tulips."

"Tulips are a type of flower." _PINE SOL!_

Edward was so busy listening to the thoughts of his fellow classmates; he didn't ever hear Jacob sneaking up behind Ben. His italic senses must have been tingling.

Alice looked panicked as she had a vision of Carlisle and Esme doing the booty drop at home. It was horrifying.

Edward's mind from the sight pretty scary as well.

But once Edward pushed passed the horror that was his parent's dancing skill, he saw the bigger issue. Jacob was going to attack Ben for all his italic goodness.

Bella finally observed Jacob ready to pounce. She was partially saddened that he wasn't going to mangle Mike. _Stupid cookie elf_.

Jacob was creeping slowly up behind Ben, his senses tingling at the very sound of his italicized thoughts.

_Pine Sol! Or maybe it was like eating a soapy dishes…Or eating Edward Cullen after he's eaten five thousand fifty pound lemons. Yeah, that's what lemons taste like. Edward Cullen tastes like lemons! _Ben debated what the lemon tasted like in his mind. Unaware that the italic loving fiend, Jacob, was merely steps behind him. Breathing down his neck, that was attached to his head. Which was full of italics.

Edward again used his now REAL LIGHTNING induced speed to get to Jake before he got to Ben.

Another crack resounded in the cafeteria, but no one really cared. Even though the entire room shook like there was a category five earthquake going on. Who cared? It was lunchtime…

"Jacob." Edward threw him on to the floor. "No." He scolded.

Jake whimpered. "But…"

"No. Do you hear me?" Jake nodded, giving him the puppy dog eyes. Which was both ironic and easy for him to do.

"I just wanted to…" He sniffed. "Hear some italics." He sniffed again. "That's all."

"No italics." Edward's face was stern. Jake nodded and went to leave.

_Oh my god._ Mike thought in italics. _Edward is wearing American Eagle. He's so sexy and stylish…All I get are these green cookie making outfits._

That was one of the other things Mike learned from Elle. How do be stylish.

Jacob heard his calling, knocking Edward out of the way he threw himself at Mike.

"Yay!" Bella cheered. Jessica glared at her. "I mean…Oh my gosh, Jake is attacking Mike! Some call the dog catcher/therapist/paranoid freak- I mean- Sam!"

--

Author's Note: Watching a video of babies eating lemons inspired this. Somehow that was a big headline on AOL today…I don't know.

Oh yeah, and Sam is like Dr. Phil (Which I don't own)...seriously.


	88. Bellarah Edilly

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight (I'm out of things to say up here)…

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight (I'm out of things to say up here)….OR Pine Sol (yes, more Pine Sol).

Breaking Dawn stuff.

Author's Note: This is our last Cullen Moment for the summer, thus beginning the unknown that this is high school. Again we don't know what the schedule will be with this story. We seriously are going to try our hardest to write more when we have time. Getting inspired is probably the hardest part at this point…the writing is fun and easy.

I may just writing down ideas in study hall (seeing how I have at least two a day this year. Ugh.) for this. Or possible write chapters in study hall…I could enlist my friends, that read Twilight, to help. Would you believe my best friend, Cat, actually is going to read Twilight just so that she can read this for me? I heart her!

Now, I'm going to try and make this good for you guys. You all are so AMAZING, it's not even funny! Even when we came up with something completely weird and we got told how incredibly strange and disturbing it was, you guys still stuck with us! And that says so much! Thank you! :D

--

"God, Ed." Renesmee grimaced. "Seriously, you suck so bad!" Edward rolled his eyes.

"Nessie, you knew this was going to happen sooner or later…it's time."

"Time for what?" Her attitude was not only showing, it was becoming increasingly annoy to Edward.

_Why is she so difficult?_ He grumbled in his mind. _She's worst than Mike after I dumped a bottle of lemon Pine Sol on him. _Edward sighed. _Maybe it was because Ben kept yelling about how he knew what that tasted like. Apparently me…hmm…_

"Time for Uncie Emmy to become a pastry chef?" She asked. "'Cause if you haven't notice yet, but he already has. Uncle Emmett is a freaking pastry chef! Does he realize only two people that periodically stay at this house eat? Just Jake and me! What the heck? Does he have like a mental block or something?" Nessie waved her hands in the air.

Edward, still annoyed, finally snapped. "No, Nessie." He took a deep unnecessary breath. "It's time you and your mother join the family business."

"What? Biting people? Baking pastries? Annoying my husba- I mean- Jacob?"

"What was the last one?" Edward read her mind before she could answer. "Oh my god! Jacob is my son-in-law! That is seriously messed up!"

He paused to read her mind once more. "And I'm a grandfather! Forty-six kids! Holy molie! And I thought Bella and I were busy on our honeymoon! Renesmee! I feel _OLD_ like Carlisle!" Edward nearly broke down because he now knew that Jacob was a part of his family, thus he could never again cook dinner on his face. It would upset Nessie for sure.

"God, Ed. You act like you've never seen teen pregnancy before. Seriously." She crossed her arms.

"Where are the kids?" Edward asked, half dreading the answer.

"At his house. I don't get why you're so surprised. We only had one litter of pups." She spoke as if it was common knowledge that shape shifters had children in a large group. "Seriously, dad. We had a small litter. Jacob had eight-seven in his litter."

Edward shuddered at the thought of multiple Jacobs running around; a picture appeared in his mind. It was an entire room of naked shape shifters all looking lovingly at a small baby girl in the middle of the room. _OH GOD, NO! If one wasn't bad enough!_

"What happened to the rest?" He asked.

"You guys ate them. They only kept Jake because he was the only human looking one. All the rest were little wolfies!" She giggled. "My pups are so cute!"

"You know. I'm just dropping this subject and I'm going on to the real subject of today…You and your mother are going to be given your…" He paused for dramatic effect. "HERO NAMES!"

A huge crowd cheered loudly and the rest of the Capricious Cullens appeared along with Bella.

"Nessie and Bella, are joining the hero business!" Alice said happily. "I'm so proud!"

Emmett stood in front of a cake, that Nessie could clearly see, but he was trying to hide it. "I made you something!" He smiled, revealing the cake. "A cake!"

Bella hugged Renesmee. "This is so great!"

"God, Bella. Stop touching me, you freak!" She pushed her off.

"I think it's time to have the naming ceremony." Carlisle proposed. "We all remember how we obtained our secret identities, right?"

"Emmett just randomly assigned crap." Edward replied.

Emmett smiled. "Yes! That's why I get to name these two too! So that they don't feel out of the loop!" Holding a honey bun in his right hand, he waddled over to the two girls. He examined them.

"This is _so _incredibly stupid!" Nessie complained.

Jake hopped through the window holding a puppy in his palm. "Italics, Nessie, a mirror and myself! This is the perfect day!"

"Oh my god! My freaking stalker husband is back!" Nessie growled. "And he brought Bellarah Edilly (A/N: Just in case: Bella and Sarah. Edward and Billy (eww))!" She saw the puppy in his hand. "Ugh! _He is such a jerk_!"

"Ooo…Italics!" Jake smiled holding up the puppy. "I LOVE YOU TOO, NESSIE!"

"I've figured out their names!" Emmett announced. "For evermore, Bella shall be Clumshe like clumsy, but not! And Renesmee…well no one in their right mind would ever think that's a real name, so you'll just be that."

Nessie looked insulted. "Give me a name." She demanded.

"Mutant Human Vampire Lass."

"Good enough." She spun around to look at her husband. "As my first act as Mutant Human Vampire Lass, I shall defeat Jackson Arnold Conner Oswald Bobby or as we call him…J.A.C.O.B." She growled and lunged at him.

But he ducked. There was a big fight scene, but Emmett's comment eclipsed the whole epic-ness of it. So...let's move on.

"Let's have cake!" Emmett went over to cut his cake, but then he realized it wasn't actually real because he wasn't actually a pastry chef. He was really a cake dancer.

--

Author's Note: No idea what that was….lol! Bella and Renesmee will probably never go on super hero missions because I like Bella as a defenseless human better and Nessie wasn't born then, so…no!

The Emmett pastry chef this was a request from X alisunshine X, hope you liked it!


	89. Pancakes

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight (NOOOO!). Or Danny Phantom. Or Harry Potter.

Author's Note: Just something quick, since I don't have any homework or anything tonight. Though I have like five quizzes on Friday…ugh.

--

Bella sat at her kitchen table. "Edward?"

"Yes, love of my very existence." He smiled, while placing his hands on her shoulders giving her a massage.

"I just realized…" She paused. "I like pancakes."

"Of course you do. That's why Emmett made them for you." He replied.

"No. I REALLY like pancakes. Blueberry pancakes." She giggled. "I LOVE blueberry pancakes!" She bounced.

"Would you like me to make you some pancakes?" He asked already preparing to cook the meal for her.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah! But with lots of peanut butter!"

"I thought you liked blueberries." He complained because he had already put blueberries in.

"No." She crossed her arms. "I said raspberry. Hmph." She turned her head.

"Wait! Raspberry? What happened to blueberry and peanut butter?" He was getting irritated because he had already added peanut butter. _Why must I love her so much?_

"Edward, you just can't hear." Emmett agreed with Bella as he climbed in the window. "She completely said muskrat." Bella nodded.

"Ugh." The raspberries were already in as well. Now he needed a muskrat. Luckily, a wild, rabid muskrat was running right next to the window. He hopped out and retrieved it.

"Seriously, Edward." Jasper phased through the wall. "You need to listen better. You're such a bad boyfriend. Every guy knows what their girlfriend's favorite kind of pancake is."

Edward was both gapping at the fact that Jasper just phased through the wall and the fact that Alice liked pancakes. She renounced her love for cakes after she was mauled by a cake decorator for trying to do things her way.

"How did you phas-" Edward was cut off.

"Oh that." Jasper shrugged. "I'm best friends with Danny Phantom…I guess it's a side effect. Like how you can use magic because you're best friends with Harry Potter."

"And what's Alice's favorite pancake anyway?" Edward continued making the pancakes.

"Pineapple. I make them for her and we stare at them together it's so romantic."

"Are you done, Edward?" Bella asked.

"Yes." He put down the pancakes.

"Yay! Blueberry waffles! My favorite!" She took a bite. "Mmm...rabies!"

--

Author's Note: Oh my gosh, I pretty sure my literature teacher is Alice in disguise, she's looks like her and acts like her…lol!


	90. Car

Disclaimer: No Twilight is not owned by me

Disclaimer: No Twilight is not owned by me. Or Fisher Price. Or Barbie. Or Carmen Sandiego. Or Toyota Prius.

Author's Note: I'm trying to update as soon as I can. Sorry, I'm slower now…I've been busy and stuff. We're actually currently writing probably our longest Cullen Moment ever, but it needs work. So, I thought I'd write you a quick, little tidbit.

Breaking Dawn spoilers!

--

"Renesmee!" Edward called from the garage where everyone was hiding. It was her third birthday and, like most three-year-olds, she was getting a _car _(Jake giggled.). But, unlike most three-year-olds, she was getting an actually car, not a Fisher Price plastic one. She had one of those already and had outgrown it. Her and Jake just didn't fit anymore. It was a tragedy!

"GOD!" She yelled from inside the house. "What the heck do you want?"

"Come out, honey!" He responded, smiling. "We've got you something!"

Renesmee stared walking towards the door, but Jacob grabbed her from behind. "No! You must be blindfolded or you'll see the car your parents bought you!" He cried as he tied the blindfold around her eyes.

"It's a FREAKING car!" She sounded annoyed. "What about my Barbie one? Did those annoying flesh licking jerkfaces get rid of my precious plastic beauty?"

"No, silly." He laughed. "Those annoying flesh licking jerkfaces didn't get rid of your car. I did."

"WHAT? How the heck did I ever get bonded you for all eternity? Aren't you supposed to be loyal and do what ever makes me happy? Why are you so messed up? Seriously, Jake! Who the heck decided this fate for me? Because I've got a few complaints!" She tried to remove the blindfold, but Jacob held it on her.

"I'll listen to your complaints, love of my existent." Jacob smiled dreamingly at her.

"Fine. Listen. One." She held up one finger. "Why are my parents such flesh lickers? Two. Why is it when I wake up, you're standing at my doorway staring at me? Are you like a stalker or something? Because it's really weird. Three. Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego? I _need_ (Giggle from Jake) to know!" She stressed.

"Let me answer what I can." He cleared his throat. "One. Is there a problem with being a flesh licker? Because I enjoy it. A lot. Two. 'Cause you're so _pretty._" He said 'pretty' in italics to show he really meant it. "And three. No one knows where Carmen Sandiego is! Haven't you heard the song?"

Amazingly on cue, the theme song to Carmen Sandiego began to play in the background.

"See." Jake motioned as the song play.

Since the music was playing and they were both being too stubborn to actually go see Edward, whose been waiting for twenty minutes, they decided to dance.

--

Ready…skip long, lengthy, boring, badly choreographed dancing section…doo doo doo doo…. Skipping, skipping, skipping…Onward!

--

"We probably should go see your father now." Jacob stopped the music. "It's been four days since he called for you to see your present."

"Ok." She replied miffed about something or other.

She put on the mask again and they proceeded to the garage.

"Ready?" Jake opened the door. "And look." She pulled off the blindfold.

There was dead silence. Not the surprise as they were supposed to hear. This lead Jacob to assumed the worst; that wild wildebeests while he had eaten everyone, while he and Nessie danced.

"No!" He cried out. "They're so young!" He rethought his statement. "Well, some of them were."

"Wait. Is she here?" Edward asked, cutting off Jacob, while coming out from behind a pile of trash. He noticed Renesmee. "Darn it. Jake, take her back into the other room. Wake up people!"

Everyone who was crushed in the garage began to move. This included, the Cullens, the wolf pack plus random imprintees, Mike, Angela, Ben, Tanya's clan, Voturi, J. Jenkins, the Third Wife and family, and a goldfish that was Emmett's pet named Franklin.

Jake removed her from the room. "Sorry, Ness. We're going to do this again."

They walked in the door again.

"SURPRISE!" Everyone shouted…well, except for Franklin. Fish can't shout.

"Nessie," Bella looked so excited. "We got you something." She giggled.

"A car. God, mom."

"How did you-? Ugh. Jake." Bella shook her head and unveiled the car. It was a Toyota Prius. Also known as a hybrid car.

"You bought me a Toyota?" Nessie raised an eyebrow.

"A hybrid for my little hybrid." Edward smiled as he hugged. "I love you, Prius."

"Are you talking to me or the car?" She looked around confused.

Edward rested his head on her shoulder. "You've always been my little liger too!"

"Stop it with the freaking hybrid jokes!" She tried to push him off, but he wouldn't move. "Fine. I have one for you! You're such a mule!"

Edward looked hurt. "I am NOT a mule! I am a full bred donkey!"

"Yes. Yes, you are." Renesmee agreed.

"I'm a horse, then?" Bella sounded hurt. "Mike, I'm fat." She began to tearlessly sob on his shoulder.

"It's ok, Bella." Mike patted her hair. "I like your chubbiness."

Edward glared. "That's it!" He walked over to Mike. "You are going down. So far down you won't even know where the ground is. You'll going to burn. Burn like burnt toast."

"And you are going to burn like a blazing fire in my heart." Mike blushed. "I mean." He coughed. "You suck."

Nessie gave up on watching the fight between her dad and Mike, so she ventured off and found the keys to her car. Upon hopping in, Jacob jumped in the other side.

"Where are we going?" Jake asked.

"GOD!" She screeched. "You know what? We are going some where quiet, where no one can hear you screa- sing. And we are going to play with the hamm- bouncy balls I got for my birthday."

"YAY! And here I thought you were going to try to kill me!"

--

Author's Note: The Prius idea comes from madeinchina371! I hope you enjoyed!


	91. Favorite

Disclaimer: No Twilight for me

Disclaimer: No Twilight for me! Or the Green Goblin. Or Spider Man.

Author's Note: This is based off of a conversation myself and my sister had with our little cousin, Erica.

Breaking Dawn is present…

--

Renesmee, who was about the size of a two-year-old, but only fourteen seconds old, sat on her mother's lap. She sighed. Her life had had many ups and downs since she was born and now, for the first time, there was a lull in the action.

Jasper crossed the room. Nessie had always found him extremely interesting. The way her crept around her mother. The way he seemed to be perpetually bipolar. He was amazing!

Bella shifted her daughter, as Jacob and Edward walked into the room.

"Hey, my little love muffin!" Jake waved. Edward nudged him hard with his elbow, knocking him out for a good couple minutes.

"Hey, my little love muffin!" Edward smiled. He walked over to his wife and baby girl, kissing them both on the head. "What are you two doing?"

"Nothing." Bella replied. "Just chillin' like a villain."

"Coolio. I love pretending to be James." Edward sat down next to her.

"No." She shook her head. "I'm James. You're Victoria." She pointed at him.

Edward groaned. "Aww…but I was Victoria last time. Can't I be someone cool like the Green Goblin."

"What? Edward. No. We are pretending to be people we know on a personal level. Not your made up best friends." Bella huffed out some air and turned her head.

"Aww…But Spider Man loves me…" He sniffed. "He really does."

"But I thought you were pretending to be his enemy?"

"You're such a demanding wife!" Edward went to leave, but Bella grabbed him and pulled him back. Which she could totally do now because she was a vampire at the moment.

"No, Edward. Let's talk about something else." He sat down again.

"Or we could stare at Jacob's unconsciousness and laugh." Edward suggested.

Bella bit her lip. "Just for a minute."

--

TWENTY THREE HOURS LATER

"Wow, you must have really hit him." Bella commented. "I thought the narrator said he'd only be out for a good couple minutes, but apparently their timing is off."

Edward shook his head. "Nah, they're right. Our clock is just wrong." He went over and slammed the clock.

It had only actually been two minutes.

"Oh ok. Well since this boring, let's do something else." She glanced around. "I know! Let's ask Nessie questions." Renesmee looked up. "Who's your favorite uncle?"

"Jasper." She replied in a whispered, hushed tone, speaking very quickly.

"Ok. Who's your favorite aunt?" Bella asked.

"Jasper."

"He's not an aunt, silly." Bella laughed. "Seriously, who?"

"Jasper." She reiterated.

"Here let me try." Edward looked at Nessie. "Who's your favorite mother?" Bella smiled, knowing there was only one answer.

"Jasper." Apparently there were actually two answers now…

"Favorite father?" Bella asked.

"Jasper."

"Is there something I should know about, Bella?" Edward raised an eyebrow.

Bella shrugged. "I have no idea what she's talking about." She sighed. "Favorite shape shifting lover boy?"

"Jasper." Renesmee replied in the same hushed tone as before.

Jake was now conscious again. "NOOOO! She doesn't love me anymore! After all the italics I wasted on her!" He cried, but soon enough his tears made a puddle and he could see his reflection and he was content. "Yay! It's me!"

Edward decided to keep trying. "Favorite grandfather?" She had four choices (Carlisle, Charlie, Phil, and Edward Sr.(Two of which have no idea she even exists)); maybe she would pick one.

Renesmee acted as if she was thinking, then she said. "Jasper."

"Ugh." Bella and Edward said together.

"One more." Bella held up her pointer finger. Gazing upon Renesmee, already knowing the answer, but still hoping that since she had three choices (Renee, Esme and Elizabeth), maybe she would….

It was now or never. Bella asked her question. "Favorite grandmother?"

There was a pause. Just another fake pondering session, Bella was sure.

"ESME!" Renesmee screamed.

--

Author's Note: This was a conversation we had with Erica; she pretended she was Nessie, and somehow I was Jake and my sister was Edward. And that was what happened.


	92. The Third Wife

Disclaimer: Nope, no Twilight

Disclaimer: Nope, no Twilight.

Author's Note: So, this chapter is for three people's birthdays (two fictional, one real). Renesmee on September 10, Mikayla, my sister and co-writer, September 12, and Bella on September 13. Happy Birthday, Sissy and two random fictional characters!

For Mikayla's birthday, she is getting to pick what goes on in this chapter, so blame her if it's bad. Just kidding! XD Breaking Dawn spoilers…sort of…

--

Alice bounced happily around the room, when suddenly the wall in the front room of the Cullen home blew up.

"That was weird." Alice hopped over to where there was now a gaping hole in the wall. "Hello!" She called down into the hole.

"HIIIIYYYYAAAA!" The reply was loud and annoy, but not familiar. Not even a second later a woman tugging on the arm of a man came through the hole. "HIIII!" She laughed, waving.

"Umm…"Alice glanced around for the pepper spray. Darn Jasper for playing with it. "Hi." She waved timidly.

"Do you know who I am?" The woman asked, giggling.

Alice shook her head. She really didn't want to know. This girl was just as hyper as her, thus imposing on her stereotypical role in this story. That didn't fly well with Alice, and so as she stood watching the woman with the man, she formulating a plan to blow them up with Esme's rocket launcher.

"I'm The Third Wif- Wait, seriously." The woman stopped. "No one remembers my name? Seriously? I sacrifice my self to save my husband and kids and everyone can remember them, but me!" She pointed to herself. "I'm the Third Wife, seriously?"

"I don't have a first name…Well, unless you consider the letter J a first name." The man tried to comfort his companion.

"I thought your name was Jason." Alice raised both an eyebrow and the rocket launcher.

"No." He denied the name. "My name is Franklin. It's just somehow everyone thinks Franklin is spelled with a J. It's so weird."

"Oh." Alice loaded the rocket launcher.

"That still doesn't fix the fact that I don't have a name anymore!" The Thir-ouch, she punched me- woman said.

Billy, like his son, fell into the seen from the sky, wheelchair and all. "Your name was…umm…Let me think…Nancy."

"Nancy?" She ran over and took the rocket launcher from Alice. "Can I borrow this?"

"To get rid of Nancy, sure." Alice let her have it.

The woman who was not Nancy aimed the rocket launcher at Billy. "What was my name again?" She growled.

He looked nervously around the room. "Umm…well, you see…your name has been lost to history. I've very sorry."

"Make. One. Up." Not Nancy was getting very impatient. Her finger brushed over the trigger, aiming for a direct hit. If she had learned nothing else while being dead, it was how to shoot a rocket launcher. She had taken lessons in her afterlife with some Sarah Black (coughJake'smommycough) chick.

Billy glanced over to Alice and Franklin who were now dancing idiotically over in the corner because they were getting bored with the whole give me a name crap.

"Wee!" The two squealed.

_Just tell her the first thing you think of._ Billy thought to himself. He was about to speak, when Jacob used his amazingly awesome super deliciously funky groovy fall through the ceiling and into the scene currently taking place just because he can.

And so, Jake fell through the ceiling and landed in the room.

"Hello, Cleveland!" He bowed. "Thank you, Houston. I'll be here all week."

"Jacob!" Billy said surprised.

"Jacob? That's my name?" Anti-Nancy looked confused, but then shrugged. "I like it. Sounds like an italics loving shape shifter name. Good choice."

Billy let out a breath of relief.

"Wait." Jacob looked confused. "You're Jacob?" He asked the newly crowned Jacob. "Then who am I?"

Alice took the rocket launcher back. "You're Nancy." Alice answered him.

"I am?" He turned to her. "I could have sworn I was Jacob last I checked." He bit his lip and cupped his in a pondering pose.

"When was the last time you check?" Franklin asked, grabbing a hold of Alice's arm again, so they could dance again.

"Hmm…Last Tuesday." Shock filled his face. "Oh no! The pink polka dotted elephant must have changed my name when I wasn't paying attention! Darn elephant!"

"Question." Alice raised her hand, Jacob, who is now possibly Nancy, gave her his attention. "Do you have vivid dreams that you think are real? Or are you just nuts?"

"I am not _nuts_. I'm definitely like an almond, which is only _one_ nut. Thank you very much." He crossed his arms. "And the elephant was real."

"Ok." Alice patted him on the shoulder. "You know. I know a nice place for people like you. Well, there is some random vampire personal, but other than that, it's a pretty nice place." She smiled.

"It's alright, Nancy." The new Jacob patted him on the head.

"So, I am Nancy." He knew he had to accept it. Not only for the fact that it was his name now, but also for the fact that Franklin now had the rocket launcher pointed at his head and was whispering 'Take the stupid name or I'll shoot you' in his ear.

At that moment, a pink polka dotted elephant walked through the room where everyone was standing.

"Oh sorry. Please continue." The elephant apologized. "Hi, Nancy." The elephant waved its trunk.

Nancy/Jake waved back. "Hey!"

--

Author's Note: I'm not entirely sure what that was…it just was….

Oh, not that you guys care. But Erica started soccer and she's on a co-ed team of five-year-olds. There's a Jacob and an Edward and according to my sister, Jacob is loud, obnoxious and harasses Edward and Edward is quiet and likes to analyze everything. She said that Erica kept saying, "There's something strange about those two.". It was kind funny.


	93. Babyanator

Disclaimer: Twilight ownage for me is a no…

Disclaimer: Twilight ownage for me is a no…Or Charlie's Angels. Or Skittles.

Author's Note: I'm currently at my sister's Twilight themed sleepover party…it's quite interesting…Well then, let's go.

--

Emmett stood in the living room marveling over the machine he had created. For how utterly stupid everyone thought he was, he truly was pure genius. The new toy he had just invented in seventy seconds ago was amazing. He smiled.

"Emmett?" Edward froze when he saw the gun looking thing in his hands. "What is that?"

"Oh, I call it my Babyanator!" Emmett stated proudly, holding it up for Edward to admire it. And even though Emmett was a genius at times, his naming skill sucked, really, really bad.

"A _Babyanator?_" Edward walked cautiously towards Emmett, half expecting to be electrically shocked or turned into a pickle. Edward prayed the second one didn't occur, for he hated pickles with a deep burning passion. They were the root of all evil.

Emmett nodded madly. "Uh-huh. Do you want to see what it does?" He asked, excitement filling his eyes making him look childish.

"Not really." Edward started to back up. _Yup, I'm going to be a pickle._ "I have plans with Bella. And I can't be late because she threatened to eat my babies. So…for the safety of my babies, I must go."

"Please, Edward." Emmett begged, he pouted his lip and whimpered.

Edward rolled his eyes. "Fine. But you only have ten minut-" Emmett aimed and fired at Edward. There was a bright light and suddenly.

"Aww…" Emmett leaned down to pinch Edward's little five-year-old cheek. "Maybe your not a very little baby, but you're still so cute." He began to ooo and aww over Edward and his cute baby five-year-old-ness.

"Emmett!" Edward's voice was high pitched, quiet and adorable. "Why am I so tiny? And where's my bear?" He looked around, panic overwhelming him for the loss of his beloved bear.

"Edward?" Bella walked into the living room, beckoning to her boyfriend. "Where are you?"

"Oh crap." Emmett whispered. "Bella."

"Emmett?" Bella took a few strides towards him. "Where's Edwar-" Emmett shot her with his Babyanator.

Bella's chocolate brown eyes gazed up at Emmett. "Oh, sorry, Bella." He apologized.

"Bella!" The tiny boy named Edward ran to her. "Bella, let's play with my fire truck." Edward searched for his truck. "Emmett, where's my fire truck?"

Emmett shrugged. "I don't know. Why don't you two look for it?" Bella and Edward nodded and ran off giggling. Emmett didn't care about the truck; he was more concerned with figuring out what shenanigans he could cause with two five-year-olds.

"Bella?" A familiar voice resounded in the Cullen home. A voice that was both welcome and unwelcome, depending on the day. "I've come to rescue you from your bloodthirsty boyfriend, who wants to kill you! You know you love me! Where are you, Bells?"

Emmett knew he couldn't let Jacob stumble upon the itty-bitty versions of Edward and Bella. He might do something manically evil with them. Like send them to kindergarten for a week. Or teach them to read. Emmett winced.

Emmett did a spy roll like he had seen in Charlie's Angels; he loved that show. For the longest time he only agreed to let Edward see Bella because he was convinced that her father was Charlie and thus Bella must be one of his spy angels.

It took Emmett until he tied Bella to a chair and integrated her about her secret spy life, that he realized she was just a boring regular girl. From then on Emmett opposed to Edward ever seeing her. If she wasn't a hott spy, she wasn't worth it.

Aiming his invention at Jacob, Emmett fired. Hitting Jacob dead on.

A white flash and then a high-pitched squeak of a voice was heard in the home. "Bellwa!" There was a pause. "BELLWA!"

Emmett ran to him. Taking note of his height, he was almost four feet shorter than usual. This made him easier to lift and throw over his back. Jacob squirmed a bit, but due to lack of strength from the recent shrinkage, he wasn't able to do anything.

"Help! Help!" Jake squawked from over Emmett's shoulder. "Fire! WEEE-WOOO!" He shouted like an alarm.

Emmett tossed the Babyanator off into the corner and used his free hand to cover Jake's mouth. "Hush. And I'll take you to Bella. Ok?" Jake nodded.

"EMMMMEEEEEEEEETTTTTTTTT!" Bella and Edward yelled together in their screech like tones.

Emmett let his hand fall from over Jacob's mouth and used the arm to lift up Edward and Bella. "Come on, Skittles." Emmett ran out the door with the kids. He couldn't let anyone find out what he did.

As Emmett moved out into the yard, Alice danced her way into the living room. Noticing the strange thing in the corner. She picked it up.

"This is not part of my interior design. How dare someone try to change my interior designs." Alice put her hands on her hips and pouted. "I must dispose of this." She lifted the Babyanator and took it to the inferno conveniently in their backyard.

--

Emmett must have looked like he had just committed kidnapping. He was after all carrying three relatively small children through the streets of Forks at break neck speed.

"What do I do with you three?" Emmett asked them as they passed the Newton's sporting goods store.

"I gots work today with Mikey." Bella spoke up.

"Eww…" Edward and Jake said together.

"He's got cooties." Jacob said.

"Yup, yup." Edward agreed.

"Ok, not helping." Emmett stopped in the local park. Setting them down on a bench, Emmett began racking his brain for something to do with them. At least the three kids were almost up to Emmett's eye level now when they stood on the bench.

"La la la la…" Bella started to sing, holding the hem of her jumper and swinging her hips back and forth. Luckily, when they were shot by the Babyanator, it also gave them baby clothing. Emmett was glad for this. He really didn't want to dress Edward.

"So, what do you do with five-year-olds these days?" Emmett asked no one in particular.

"I don't know." Edward replied. "I haven't been this age is foreva!"

Bella giggled and continued her song.

There was a team of what looked like kids about five playing soccer on field just across the park.

"Look!" Jake pointed. "Wet's play with them!"

"Yea!" Bella began to jump up and down. Edward smiled.

"Alright." Emmett picked up his kindergarteners and carried them over to the group of children playing soccer.

"Kick the ball! Not each other!" A man, who Emmett guessed was the coach, shouted. "Erica! Erica! The ball is right there! No, no!"

"Hello," Emmett greeted. "Can I dump these kids with you?" He held up the trio.

"More?" The coach looked flustered. "Sure. Just them each a ball."

Emmett did as he was told. Giving each of them their own ball.

"Ok, kids." The coach addressed. "We are going to play keep away. Erica, get rid of your ball and you are going to try to get someone else, alright?" Erica nodded.

The game began. The little girl, Erica, looked confused. She chased after a few kids, before ending up chasing Jacob around.

"Can I please have your ball?" Erica asked.

"Woo want my bwall?" Jake seemed shocked. Apparently he had missed the point of this game. "No!" He ran from her.

"Please." She chased after him.

"I know." Jake sat down on top of his ball, so that she couldn't take it from him. "Ha!"

Erica's eye's filled with tears.

"Have my ball." Edward handed her his ball.

"No hands!" The coach yelled.

"Thank you." She took the ball, set it down and began to dribble.

Bella gave up on the game, and went back to swaying and singing. "La la la la…"

--

Later, practice ended. There was a playground next to where the soccer practice was being held. And now being the responsible adult for three small five-year-olds(oh my…), Emmett decided to let them play for a while.

Edward sat at the top of the slide, staring up at the sky.

"C'mon!" Jacob urged him. "Slide!"

"Not yet." He said, watching for the exact moment. "Not yet."

Bella laughed and went down the twin slide next to Edward's. "Weee! Come on, Eddie! It's SOOOOO much fun!" She giggled and pranced about.

"No…" And suddenly, Jacob pushed him down the slide from behind.

"Ha ha!"

"You ruined my perfect slide timing!" Edward complained, but soon gave up on it when he saw Mike Newton walking through the park. "COOTIE ALERT!"

Jacob turned. "Ewwww! It's Mikey!" Jacob slid down the slide to where Edward was.

Bella stared at Mike wide-eyed. "He's so cute!" She screamed. "Ilovehim! Ilovehim! Ilovehim! Ilovehim!" She danced around in circles shouting and laughing.

"NO!" Jake and Edward yelled. This was horrible. She was falling for cootie boy!

"Tag team?" Jacob glanced over at Edward. He nodded.

They let out a war cry and took Mike out at the knees, knocking him to the ground. They proceed to kick and punch him.

"What the heck is this?" Mike cried. "I'm being attacked by little kids!"

"We're not little!" Jacob said insulted. He bit Mike's forearm.

Bella had finally made her way over by then. "Ohno! Ohno! Ohno! They're attacking my hott boyfriend!" She started to cry.

"Aww…Don't cry, Bella." Edward halted his kick to Mike's cheek to comfort his girlfriend. "We're just protecting you from the cootie man."

"Oh. Ok." She waved her hands. "Continue."

They did.

--

One minute of pounding the cootie man later (they had short attention spans). Edward, Bella and Jake remembered they desperately needed Emmett to change them back to their older selves.

"Emmett!" They all said in unison. "Change us back!"

He bit his lip. "Funny story…I can't. Sorry." They all glared. "Well, at least your all adorably cute."

"Take us home and change us back." Edward said as menacingly as a kid could.

"I'll take you home."

They were home in two seconds flat.

Emmett walked in the door with his three little skittles. He searched for his invention, but he couldn't find it.

"Don't worry." He reassured them…He didn't have any positive news, so he ran out a grabbed someone.

Emmett tossed Mike out in front of the kids. They all gasped.

"COOTIE MAN!" They screeched.

"Yay for short attention spans!" Emmett cheered.

--

Author's Note: Those soccer practice and playground (minus the mauling Mike and Bella dancing) things were what happened with the Jacob and Edward on my cousin's team.


	94. Scavenger Hunt

Disclaimer: I do NOT own Twilight what so ever….Or the Weakest Link. Or Baywatch. Or Milk Bones. Or Newton's Law on Gravity. Or EZ tip Calculator. Or TI Inspire.

Author's Note: So, we were rereading the part in New Moon when Edward leaves and Sam finds her (who doesn't read that part multiple times, just to take it all in). And that got us thinking (which isn't a good thing…most of the time)…This is the result.

We promise to go back and tell you what happened with the toddler versions of everyone's favorite average teen, her vampire boyfriend, and her wolfy BFF forevers, in the next chapter.

This will also explain Sam's paperclip and his paranoia.

--

"Bella, no." Edward backed up away from her as she tried to cling herself to him.

Originally she had attached a large magnet to his pants to keep him with her, but that only resulted in him losing his pants in a terrible (Well, maybe not _terrible_) pants losing accident. Which involved a toothbrush, fourteen barracudas, and toaster…but that's a story for another day.

Anyway. So there Bella stood, hands outstretched waiting for her lover to take her back in his arms. But Edward denied her. Telling her no and that she sucked like a sucky person.

"Edward, how can you say that?" Tears filled her eyes. "We all know that you're the one who sucks in this relationship!" She shouted, feeling the tension in the air.

How could he confuse her and him? Wasn't it obvious that he was the bloodthirsty vampire in this relationship? Though yesterday she did chew on some raw meat just for fun. It had become a hobby of hers. But that was beyond the point.

"No, Bella, no!" Edward turned. "You are the weakest link. Goodbye." He ran away into the sunset like in Baywatch. He ran in slow-motion away from her, swinging his hair and letting out a chuckle. It was heartbreaking to Bella. But, dang, did he ever look good!

"Edward!" Bella cried. No response. "NOOOOOOOOOO!" She collapsed to the ground and rolled up into fetal position.

"Find a happy place. Find a happy place." She imagined a meadow with herself and Edward frolicking through it. Dancing and sparkling, for some people, in the sunlight until twilight was nearly taking over. Then Mike-

She abruptly stopped. "WHY IS MIKE NEWTON IN MY HAPPY PLACE? Paradise lost!" She bawled herself to sleep.

--

"I dare say, I do believe I've misplaced my spawn once more." Charlie pulled the pipe he'd been smoking from his mouth. "How shall I proceed in relocating my offspring?" He asked Billy.

"Well," He stroked his chin. "Whenever Jacob goes missing I just leave a box of Milk Bones outside the door and suddenly he returns. He always had a strange fetish with those dog treats and drinking from the toilet…I don't understand why." Billy shrugged.

"Hmm…Bella does enjoy eating raw meat as of lately. Maybe we should leave some out for her." Charlie nodded. "Yes, that's it."

But before the two could put the raw meat on the porch, Sam and his peeps walked through the door.

"We're having a scavenger hunt!" Paul exclaimed. Jared nodded.

Sam silenced them. "The reason we're here is we needed to see if you had a," Sam paused to read his paper. "A paperclip."

Billy shook his head no. "Sorry. We don't."

Jacob at that moment hopped into the room. "Did you say scavenger hunt?" Paul nodded. "Awesome! I'll call everyone in La Push and everyone in Forks that happens to know Bella and we'll play."

"I have a brilliant idea." Charlie stood, repositioning his pipe. "Why don't you add my lost spawn to that list."

Paul shrugged. "Okay." They scribbled down _Bella Swan_ at the end of the list.

--

Once everyone had arrived, they began.

Sam trudged through the forest around La Push searching for an item from the list. Everything was terribly hard to find in a forest.

A pinecone, a leaf, a piece of bark, a woodchuck, a pine needle, Edward Cullen's pants, among other things were currently plaguing Sam's current life. I mean seriously. Where was he going to find a leaf here?

He heaved a sigh and proceeded through the woodlands.

It had been about an hour when he heard a voice. "He's gone…he's gone…and all I have is Mike Newton….how cruel?"

"Hmmm…" Sam thought the voice was familiar. As if he'd heard it once or twice. Oh well. It wasn't a pinecone. Those don't talk.

He continued onward, leaving behind the voice. _Hmm…Pinecooooonnneeee… Ppppiiiiinnnnneeecooonnne…Sam need a pinecone._

Nothing was popping out at him. Until…

Mike Newton fell threw the trees, hitting every branch as he cascaded to the forest floor below. Landing at Sam's feet, Mike grumbled something about Jacob, cookies and a fern.

"AHHH! Newton's law of gravity!" Sam yelled and scampered off.

Sam scurried until he saw something shimmering in the little light still present in the woods. It was beautiful.

He reached for it, grasping on to it and lifting it up. He held it at eyelevel.

A paperclip.

"HE'S GONE!" The voice wailed once more. "Why? Why?"

Sam examined the shining metal. "Do you know what's crying?" He held the paperclip up to his ear. "You do?" He looked surprised. "Well, show me!" He tossed the paperclip in the direction of the howling creature.

"Ow!" The metal struck the pain stricken creature. "He's gone! And now the squirrels are mocking me by throwing paperclips!"

Sam followed the clip finding its target. "BELLA!" He yelled, joyously.

"Who the heck are you?" Bella said with a lot of sass for a girl who had just been left by the love of her life.

"I'm Sam Uley." He reached out his hand for the paperclip she was holding, but she took the motion, as he wanted a handshake. He wiped his hand down his pants after she let go.

"Oh, Sam…I don-" Amnesia! "Who the heck are you?"

"I'm Sam Uley." He reached out his hand once more for the paperclip.

Amnesia!

"Who the heck are you?"

"I'm Sam." He reach- Amnesia!

"Who the heck are-" She asked once more. Amnesia!

"Who-" Amnesia!

"Whoa," Sam put his hand on his forehead. "That was weird."

"Who the heck are you?" She asked again.

"I'm Sam Uley." He held out his hand for the paperclip _again_. But, like before, she shook his hand. He wiped his hand once more. "Can I have the paperclip?" He decided to be blunt.

"Umm…sure." She handed him his coveted paperclip. His _lucky_ paperclip. It knew all and he must obey the paperclip.

"Thank you." He placed the paperclip in his pocket. "Now, let's get you back so that I can win the scavenger hunt." He lifted her. "Hi ho! Cheerio!"

They ran off through the forest. Bella, in Sam's arms, was being pelted with branches and leaves. They smacked her face very hard, leaving bright red marks.

"Ow! He's gone!" She remembered and sobbed. "And the last time I saw him he was pantless and doing the Baywatch run!"

Sam stopped running. "We're here, beautiful."

"Did you just call me _beautiful_?" Bella asked in a whimper, but hopeful someone still loved her.

"Heck no! I was talking to Pap. Pap Er Clip. My best friend." He dropped Bella to caress the Pap.

Bella stood. "My god, Emily. I'm sooooo sorry." She muttered as she walked in her house. Sam followed her, still petting his lovely paperclip.

Bella came through the door.

"Look who I found, guys!" Sam yelled, holding Bella's hand up. "How many points is that?"

Paul glanced at Jacob, who shook his head.

"Actually, Sam." Paul started. "You own us points now. 'Cause we got to take care of her and her whining now!"

"Are you for serious?" Sam sounded disappointed, letting Bella's arm drop.

"For seriously." Paul replied.

"Aww…how many do I owe you?"

Paul looked at Jacob. Jacob shrugged.

"Six billion." Paul said. Sam's mouth dropped open.

"Well…umm…I found the paperclip." He held up Pap. "See. How much is that worth?"

Paul and Jacob conversed again.

"Twelve billion. You're currently in the lead." Paul congratulated.

"Yay!" Sam jumped up with joy, knocking Bella over in the process. She tumbled to the ground, curling into fetal position once more.

"Gone!" She had forgotten again. Maybe it was due to all that random amnesia her and Sam had been suffering from when she was asking for his name. Oh well, she had rocking and thumb sucking to do.

Sam was in the middle of his happy dance when Jared walked through the door, holding a piece of bark and a leaf.

Everyone, except Bella, gasped in complete and total disbelief. It was quite clear Jared was far too good at this game.

_He must be some kind of woodland god._ Sam thought as he gapped at the leaf and bark. _A great woodland god._

Jake giggled. _Tee hee…italics._ (His love for italics began early…later his obsession)

"Hold on." Paul walked over to Jared. "Let me calculate your points on my EZ tip calculator." Paul pulled out his cell phone and began to add a twenty percent tip split between forty people on his phone.

Jacob was getting really antsy. He pulled a box of Milk Bones he stashed at Bella's house for when he was over and began to shove them down. They tasted so good like rice cakes.

"Oh my god!" Paul cried as he typed on his phone. "This is ridiculous!"

"Yeah," Jared sounded annoyed. "You're using an EZ tip calculator to figure out my total. Everyone knows those calculators suck."

Everyone, but Jacob, because his mouth was full of Milk Bones, and Bella, who was graveling on the floor still, gasped.

Paul was the first to come around. "Then what do you suggest we use."

"This!" Jared pulled out the TI Inspire, the newest graphing calculator in the Texas Instrument family.

Mike, who had just arrived, fainted at the beauty beheld in front of him. The TI Inspire was a calculator like no other. And now it would be put to the test.

Paul snatched the calculator and began to press buttons furiously. It was a nail biter, but ten seconds later the winner was announced.

"Because they had superior items to the rest…and they didn't bring us the crying and sobbing girl," Paul glared at Sam, who looked innocent. "Jared is the winner with 5323543254235 points from his piece of bark and a leaf!"

"Yay!" Jared did a happy dance.

"You're all out to get me, aren't you?" Sam looked terrified, knowing he'd just lost. It wasn't right. They wanted to kill him. To destroy him. They wanted to eat his babies and make a blanket out of fur. They wanted Pap Er Clip.

Sam growled. He was on to them. They shall never defeat him…he would stop them.

At that moment, Emily skipped through the door, holding a piping hot pan of muffins.

"I baked muffins!" She sang as she skipped around. She eventually got over to Sam, who was still growling. "Oh goodie!" She reached and took the paperclip from Sam's pocket. "Now I can paperclip those papers together. Thank you, honey." She kissed his cheek.

"WHAT?" She had taken it. She was pure evil. This _woman_ was the mastermind behind it all. Her and her muffins. She was going down.

He chased her out of the room.

"Bella!" Edward called. "Bella!"

Bella stood, wiping the tears from her eyes. "Over here, Edward." She waved.

It took him ten minutes to reach. Dang the Baywatch run was slow.

"Bella, I can say." Her eyes lit up. He was going to tell her he was sorry. "I need pants back. It's so awkward doing this run without them."

"Oh," Bella was saddened. "Jacob is wearing them." They both look at Jacob.

"Jacob, give me my pants!" Edward ran, slowly and in slow-motion, towards him.

"Ha, I'm your pants, Edward." Jacob said. "Wait-" He shuddered. "Ewww…."

--

Author's Note: Sorry, I meant to update sooner, but I've been busy. So how about I have a stalker now…Yup, he follows me around and keeps trying to ask me out. He's such a creeper. So, yeah. Hope you've all been well. :D


	95. Babyanator 2: This Time It's Personal

Disclaimer: Nope, still don't own Twilight…wait, let me check

Disclaimer: Nope, still don't own Twilight…wait, let me check. I might now…Nope… or Teletubbies. Or Anything Disney related.

Author's Note: Sorry this is kind of late-ish…I'm not entirely sure I have a time frame for this story anymore. So…yeah…I took the SATs yesterday…oh the joy of possible future college education! Anyway, I'm going to try and be speedy with this one, because I have a AP lit paper to write…I've postponing writing it for this. My teacher wouldn't be so happy… Tee Hee…

Now back to the epic conclusion of the five-year-olds!

--

Bella pressed her short legs together, doubling over herself, bouncing. "Emmy," She whimpered. "Mes gots to pees." Biting her lip, she let out a frustrated whine.

"Ummm…right." Emmett, holding a sugar crazed Jacob and a pouting Edward, turned frantically, trying to find someone to take _his_ little girl- Yes, Emmett adopting them all. And he was proud parent of three (ok, not three…), two-ish honor kindergarteners (Jacob couldn't seem to figure out what the different between a square and circle was…)- to the bathroom.

"EMMY! The pee is a comin'!" Bella shouted. "I needed my potty!"

Jacob giggled. "Bellwa's gunna wet her pants! Like a baby!" He laughed, jumping around wildly in Emmett's arms.

"I'm NOT a baby!" Bella yelled, turning her back to Jacob. "I don't like you, Jakey. You mean!"

Jacob's tiny, little, five-year-old heart broke, right there. "Oh," he his eyes filled with tears. "Bellwa hates mes!" He began to throw a tantrum; throwing his arms around, whacking Edward in the head.

"Ow, ow, ow…" Edward said calmly each and every time Jake struck his head.

"Ugh!" Emmett threw both of the boys into the air. They tumbled to the ground. "I give up! Bella, just go in your pants!" Bella looked horrified, but obliged. A large, wet spot appeared on her dress.

Emmett turned to Jacob, who was lying on Edward. "Jacob, no more sugar!" Jacob began to cry.

Emmett's eyes moved towards Edward. "And Edward, stop pouting! I'm not buying you a pony! You had one already!"

"No, I didn't!" Edward stood, crossing his arms. "Carwhistle had one!"

"I. Don't. Care." Emmett shouted, lifting them all into his arms. "We are going home and we're fixing this! NOW!"

Taking the kids with him, Emmett rushed home to find Alice re-decorating the home.

"Hi, Alice." Emmett was looking quite panicked and annoyed.

Jacob shook from the overdose of sugar he had had earlier.

Edward scowled. He was still pony-less.

Bella was just happy she didn't have to pee anymore.

"Hi, Emm- Oh my god!" Alice looked wide-eyed at the younger versions of the three main characters in the Twilight Saga. It wasn't their age that surprised her; it was something else. Something terrible. "Bella soiled her outfit! This is a shopping emergency!" Alice snatched Bella and ran out the door.

Now, Bella-less, Edward felt the loss. "NOOOO! Bella! Come back to me! We can play in the sandbox together!"

Jacob turned to the emotional Edward, "Woo are pathetic. We are boys. We don't like girls…eww…"

Emmett sighed. "To Carlisle! He'll know what to do!"

"NO! Not that pony stealing Carwhistle!" Edward screeched. He tried to break free of Edward, but failed. "Please, Emmy. I can't let him stealing my new puppy too!"

"Puppy?" Emmett raised an eyebrow.

Edward patted Jacob on the head. "Yup, yup. My puppy, Jakers."

"Woof. Woof." Jacob licked Edward's hand.

"Ok, this is really weird. To Carlisle faster!" Emmett sprinted up the stairs to find Carlisle in his office.

Emmett busted through the door, knocking it on top of Esme.

"Carlisle," Emmett tossed the kids at him. "Fix them." He demanded. Edward stood. While Jacob got on all fours, because he's a puppy.

"What's wrong with them?" Carlisle gazed at the two kindergartens on the floor. "Emmett, were you hunting at the pre-school again. You know it's not fair to hunt there. They don't put up a good enough fight." He sounded disappointed.

"No…" His expression became embarrassed. "Yes. But that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the fact that I made Edward, Bella and Jake five-year-olds with my Babyanator."

"Was it awesome?" Carlisle asked. Because if the whole thing was _awesome_ then it really didn't matter that Edward was now forever frozen at age five. And soon, the Volturi would arrive at their door to kill them all for harboring an immortal child.

Then Sam would nuke Forks to rid the world of all of his enemies, taking out all of Washington in the process.

Next Jared would become a sexy swimsuit model.

After, Conner, Phil, Rachel and Rebecca will all actually do something productive in this series. Or at least make a speaking appearance.

And finally, the entire world will implode due to an influx of Teletubbies.

Carlisle gasped, how cruel would that be. Teletubbies ruling the world, Carlisle shuddered.

Emmett nodded uncontrollably. "It. Was. So. CRAZY. _Awesome_! I might just do it again sometime. But for right now, I need them older."

Carlisle leaned over the children. "Why? They're so cute." He pinched Edward's little, cutie cheek. Edward swatted at his hand, but he wasn't strong enough to push him off.

"Aww…you're such a cutie, Eddie-bear." Carlisle used his baby voice. Edward scowled. "Yes, you are." Carlisle smiled.

"I. Want. My. Pony. Car. Whistle." Edward broke free of Carlisle's pinching fingers, running over to Jacob break dancing on the floor. "Don't take my puppy!" He stood protectively above Jake.

"Aww…you got a puppy?" Carlisle said in his baby voice. "He's so cute." Carlisle reached out to pet Edward's little puppy dog."

"NOOOO! My puppy! You take my pony! Now, my wittle doggy! I will stop you, Carwhistle." Edward pointed, and then lunged at Carlisle.

Carlisle put out his right hand, stopping Edward in his tracks by holding him back with his palm on Edward's forehead. Edward punched and kicked into the air, but hit nothing. Nothing at all.

"Ummm…yeah, so are you going to help me?" Emmett asked, watching Edward swing without making any contact. Jacob went back to break dancing in the corner. He was getting down with his bad self.

"Oh, fine." Carlisle looked as if he wanted to pout and fight against turning them back into their older sexier selves. Because with them now as children and cute and cuddly, not sexy. This meant Carlisle had less competition for the sexiest being alive. That was the true reason behind not wanting to change them back. Though he'd never admit it.

Emmett smiled. He wouldn't have to housetrain Jacob again. Him and Jasper had offered to train him one time a few months ago; it was a quite interesting experience. They offered because every time he came over, Bella made him so nervous and giddy he would wet the carpet.

"Let me go get the Unbabyanator." Carlisle pointed towards the closet.

"We have a 'Unbabyanator'?" Emmett looked shocked. And here he was thinking he was the only evil genius in all of Forks.

"Well of course. What do you think I do in my office all the time? Surely you don't think I'm working on my job stuff. I've been creating the Unbabyanator just incase someone created a Babyanator."

"What a specific coincidence!" Emmett jumped over and lifted the break dancing Jacob. Carlisle grabbed Edward, who screeched like a little girl.

Fortunately, Alice walked back through the door right then with Bella. Bella now wore a pink, frilly puffball dress. She looked as if the Disney store had exploded on her and then Mickey Mouse danced around her singing that strange song at the end of Mickey's Club House.

"Yay, Alice!" Emmett ran over and grabbed Bella. "My baby!"

"NOOOO! Bella is my baby doll! And I love her more than you!" Alice cried, trying to grab her baby back.

"No," Edward fought out of Carlisle's arms. "My Bella!" He knocked Bella and Jacob from Emmett's arms. The two toppled to the floor, causing them to cry.

"NO!" Carlisle yelled, reaching out for the Unbabyanator. He hit the button, but as he did Edward threw Alice at the invention. BOOM!

The entire room blew up in a fiery mess of fire.

Smoke clearing, toddlers crying and finally, Edward, now seventeen (ish) again, stood up.

"Ok…" He looked around the room, seeing that Jacob and Bella were now older again. But then he noticed Carlisle, Alice and Emmett; they were child.

At that moment the Volturi walked in. Edward panicked.

"Immortal children!" They shouted, launching at the kids.

Edward thought on his feet and came up with a plan. "OH MY CARLISLE! The Teletubbies!" Edward pointed off into the distance.

The Volturi turned together. "Even worse! Horrible children's TV! Destory!"

They ran off to destroy the Teletubbies and the sun shined. It was a good day.

--

That was until Tuesday, when Edward, Bella and Jake turned Carlisle, Emmett and Alice back into their older selves. Yeah, the sun didn't shine that day…

--

Author's Note: Ok, the note at the beginning of this is about a week old now…so, it's kind of useless now…Again I'm sorry for taking so long. We've been brewing up ideas over the past week or so.


	96. Low

Disclaimer: Copyrights to Twilights

Disclaimer: Copyrights to Twilights? Are they owned by me? NO. Or anything Debussy related. Or the song Low. Or T-Pain. Or Flo-Rida.

Author's Note: This is kind of a Breaking Dawn parody. It's supposed to take place during the scene when Edward first hears Renesmee's thoughts while she's still in the womb. Also Renesmee is using her power to put thoughts in Bella's head.

Oh yes, anytime there's italics, they're Renesmee's thoughts that Edward can hear…and possibly Jacob due to his italics sense….tee hee.

--

Bella hummed a tune, letting the melody carrying her away, as she sat on the Cullen couch. She placed her hand on her swollen stomach, gently rubbing it to comfort her precious baby.

This was wonderful. Bella-though she had only gotten pregnant twelve minutes ago- she looked as if she was eight and half months pregnant. Definition: The freaking mutant hybrid of a child was nearly fully-grown was going to bust- literally- out soon.

_Oh my sweet God! Will someone please get me out of this God forsaken woman!_

Edward walked into the room. He had left to retrieve more A negative blood. It was the mutant's favorite. "Oh my God!" He ran over to Bella, body-slamming Rosalie out of the way.

"What?" Bella exclaimed.

"Bella, I think I just heard our little mutant's thoughts!" Bella smiled widely.

"Yay! What did it say?" Bella looked excitedly at Edward, awaiting the reveal of her child's thoughts.

_I said, Edward if you don't get me out of here in the next fifteen minutes, I'm punching your wife in the kidney._

Jacob- who was standing the corner- started to have a spasm. "Ohmygod! Ohmygod! Ohmygod! I've been betrayed by my lover- I mean- Edward! He's fallen for his stupid mutant instead of me! Why? Why would fate do this to me? I mean, I've always been a good shape-shifter…I bathe- most times. I clean up after myself when I have an accident on the carpet. I'm a good doggie…"

Jake looked sad, tears filling his eyes. Edward was the only person-well, being- that understood him. He was…Edward was…He was almost as good as italics. Yeah, he said it.

But now, it was over.

Edward read Jacob's thoughts, and sighed. He finally realized it was over between them. Lifting the car keys, he tossed them to Jake.

"Go. I need to be with my mutant child- that I love more than you- and my wife." Edward hit Jacob in the face when he tossed the keys.

They hit him square in the nose, causing Jacob to breakdown. "Why?" Jacob ran off to find someone to love him.

Edward turned back to Bella on the couch; who was sitting wide-eyed and confused.

"Umm…that was weird." Bella remarked. "But oh well. Jacob is going to realize he loves the mutant just as much as the rest of us by the end of this. So anyway, back to you hearing this thing's thoughts."

"Oh," Edward remembered. "It said it wants entertainment."

_How the heck did you get _entertainment_ out of 'get me the heck out of here'? God, you're so stupid…_

"Entertainment?" Bella looked down at her stomach, patting it lovingly. "Ok, do you want to hear some music?"

The decided to give in and go along with the entertainment, it was better than nothing. _Heck yes, I do! Play me some of that funky music my sexy Jacob is always singing!_

"It wants to listen to some Debussy." Edward walked over to the stereo and began to fiddle with the buttons and soon the smoothing melody of Debussy filled the air. Edward smiled; Claire De Lune, a favorite of his and Bella, was the selection.

"Aww…" Bella swayed with the music, it was so peaceful and lovely.

_What the heck is this crap? I said funky music my sexy Jacob sings! He so totally doesn't sing this! Ugh, I think I'd force him to un-imprint on me if he did. God, change this._

"You don't enjoy it?" Edward looked puzzled and bit hurt. What the heck kind of child was this? Oh yeah, it wasn't a child. It was mutant. That explains everything.

Bella, unable to hear the thoughts, cocked her head. "But Edward, I am enjoying this."

_Edward, I command you to shut up this annoying crap you call music and play me some Flo-Rida and T-Pain. I WANT obnoxious rap!_

"Not you. The mutant."

"Oh." Bella understood. "What does it want to listen to?"

"Some kind of crap Jacob sings." Edward crossed his arms.

_If you don't turn off this crap this instant, somebody's going start breaking some ribs. Bella, tell him to stop this madness._

The mutant touched its hand to the inside of Bella's womb, giving her the thought of stopping the music. It was almost like mind control. Bella automatically stood and walked over to the stereo, she pressed stop.

_Yes, do as you are told…I will forever control your life. Muh ha ha ha!_

"Why did you do that?" Edward went to turn the music back on, but he halted once he heard another threat.

_NO, ED! I bending my knee for a good, strong kick to the side of the gut!_

Edward's finger hovered over the play button.

_You asked for it. _The mutant touched Bella's womb again. _Bella, I'm sorry, but I need you to writhe in pain. _The baby kicked her mother causing a searing pain to be racked through Bella's body.

"Ooo…that's painful." Bella stated, not too fazed by the blazing ache spreading throughout her body. She loved her little mutant too much to care about the pain. She could handle it for the most part.

"Oh no! Bella!" Edward threw his hands in the air. "Please, stop mutant baby! This is horrible!" Edward fell to his knees.

_Oh fine. Just play the darn music!_

Edward nodded and put on the song Low. The tune blasted through the entire Cullen home, calling all the wannabe gangstas in the house. Namely Emmett and Carlisle. But then they realized that they were supposed to be hunting during this scene, so they had to try REALLY hard and stay away from the music.

_Oh yeah! This is my jam! _The hybrid began to dance inside her mother. And with every movement she snapped another bone in the vicinity of her. _Dance, Bella, dance._

Bella began to dance around the room at the mutant's command. "Ow. Yeah. Ow. Woo. Ow."

Edward stood with his arms crossed across the room, until Bella starting doing the Charlie Brown, and then he knew he needed to step in.

"Alright, enough!" Edward grabbed his wife and sat her down on the couch; she continued her dancing the entire time.

_What? What? You won't let me boogie? What kind of father are you, Ed? Oh, oh. You know what? That just cost your wife a crack in her pelvis!_

Bella cringed as the child inside of her smashed her pelvis with her baby foot.

"Oh, that's a good, strong baby." Bella praised the child. She then felt another sharp, tense pain in her lower stomach. "Ooo…that's a good boy."

_Boy?! Oh, that's it; you're getting punched in the kidney!_

"No!" Edward yelled. "Please don't punch my wife in the kidney!"

"Who?" Bella looked perplexed.

_Fine. I'll punch you in the kidney, once I bust out of here!_

At that moment, Jacob returned from his attempting-to-imprint-on-anything-that-looks-like-a-female session.

"Hey, everybody! What's shaking? I'm in such a good mood right now because I realized that I can't imprint on anyone and I'm genetically dead like Leah! Yay!" Jacob cheered. "And I heard a lot of italics, so I decided to drop back in!"

_Oh my freaking God! He's so incredibly sexy! _ Edward stepped in front of Bella's view of Jacob, thus blocking the mutant's view. _Darn it, Ed! Move out of the way! I'm looking at my future hubby!_

Edward continued to stand in the way.

The baby pressed its hand to the inside of Bella's stomach. _Take out, Edward. Now!_ Bella plowed Edward out of the way.

"Take that, Edward! Ha ha!" Bella jumped up and down, tossing the baby around in her belly.

_OHMYGOD!_ The baby did a flip. _I'm going to kill you all. Except for my sexy Jacob…Yeah, I guess I'll keep him._

"Oh no you won't!" Edward picked himself up from the floor and went to stop the fetus before it could destroy the world.

_I WANT OUT NOW! _

"NO!" Edward denied it. "You can't be born for another ten seconds. You've only been a fetus for twenty minutes!"

_I'm pulling the plug on this crap! _The baby grabbed a hold of the placenta and snapped it. For a moment it couldn't breathe, then the baby remembered it was half-vampire so it could hold its breath for a while. But that didn't stop Bella from freaking.

Bella vomited blood. "AHHHH! Labor!"

--

Fourteen minutes after birth, Renesmee was the size of a three-year-old and sitting on Jacob's lap in the living room.

Edward lay on the floor in pain after receiving the punch to the kidney Renesmee had promised him earlier.

"Ouch, you punched in the kidney!" Edward rolled around on the floor. Jacob and Renesmee ignored him.

"Jacob, can you sing me some of that funky music?" She asked with love in her eyes.

"Only if you sing with me." Jacob set her on the floor and they started to rock out.

(To the song Low by Flo-Rida)

"_Them cut off sweatpants _

_And no __Reebok's__ 'cause they're snapped ('cause they're snapped)_

_Turned around and gave Jared a big booty slap (hey)_

_They hit patrol (they hit patrol)_

_Next thing you know_

_Jacob got low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low"_

_--  
_

Author's Note: So, yeah…SATs went _lovely_ if you're wondering…maybe I'll get into college. Oh well…Anyway, Yay for less than a month until the movie!


	97. Pimp My Ride

Disclaimer: We still, though it has been awhile, do not own Twilight. Sad, isn't? Not really…Or Clue Jr. Or Deal or No Deal. Or Howie from Deal or No Deal. Or Pimp My Ride.

Author's Note: I am _so incredibly_ sorry this took so long! And that I didn't reply to everyone's last reviews! I honestly meant to reply months ago, but I got busy… I feel horrible about it… :( The guilt has been eating away me…I'm not sure anyone cares, but I'm going to review my life in the past few months in a sentence. Ready? Still being stalked, got a state medal cross-country, was accepted into three colleges, saw the Twilight movie, wrote a six page senior paper, was named most outstanding in my cross country division, and started sucking at Calculus. Yup…

Anyway, here's a chapter that's been floating around for months now…

----------------------

Renesmee stood waiting. Jacob should have been there minutes ago. _Some_ imprinter he was, always leaving his imprintee waiting and alone. Renesmee huffed some air, crossing her arms. At that moment, Jacob came around the turn, his foot pressing down hard on the pedal.

_Nessie_! He thought excitedly as he turned the corner. Not even caring to put the car in park, he threw himself from the car to get to her faster. Falling to his knees, bowing to her eighteen-year-old sized feet, he praised her.

"Nessie," He bowed and kissed her feet. "I am not worthy." She rolled her eyes.

"No, you're not." She sassed back. Nessie kicked him, a sign of her affection in his eyes. How could she be so kind to him, when he was clearly not worthy enough to be in her presence? "Get up." She ordered.

It was then that Jacob noticed his precious Rabbit had skidded into the river surrounding the Cullen home. But he didn't care; Renesmee was better than any car that he had slaved over for months trying to find the correct pieces to build his beautiful machine. Renesmee had boobs, enough said.

"You're car is in the river." Renesmee pointed towards it, but Jacob's eyes never moved from her.

"That's okay." He said with a dreamy expression on his face. "She is nothing…"

"You know," Renesmee looked at Jacob drooling on the ground, groveling at her feet. "Speaking of cars…I think I want someone to pimp my ride."

Magically, a random person – who conveniently was hiding in an earshot of Renesmee – heard her request. "You want to pimp your ride?" The man ran over and grabbed her hand.

Nessie nodded. "Sure do!"

"Great!" The man cheered. "Let's pimp your ride. Where is your car?"

Renesmee shook her head. "I don't drive a car…I ride a werewolf-"

"Shape-shifter!" Jacob corrected, scowling. "It's a touchy subject."

"A _shape-shifter_ then. Him, to be exact." She motioned towards Jacob on the ground, who looked very confused.

"Are you talking about me again?" Jacob's eyes widened. The precious goddess from above had acknowledged him once more today! What? What had he done to be so blessed?

"Alrighty! Let's pimp – What's your name, kid?" The host of the show 'Pimp My Ride' asked Renesmee.

"Renesmee." She said rolling her eyes. She was a prized goddess. How dare he not know her name! He would be beheaded in about twelve seconds for his slip up…

"Okay, Renesman."

_Oh, he's totally getting the guillotine for that one. I am NOT a man._ Renesmee grumbled in her mind, glaring.

The host smiled, reaching over to grab Jacob, so he could be pimped out. "Come on! We must meet the Pimp Master of Forks!" The host rushed away, while dragging Jacob behind him. Jake really didn't want to leave his beautiful, wonderful Nessie.

"NOOOOO! I DON'T WANT TO BE A PIMP!" Jacob yelled, as he was drug away from his girl – or at least he thought she was a girl until just a few seconds ago. "AND RENESMAN!" She turned towards to look at his worthlessness; it burned her retinas. Why did he imprint on her again? Oh right, he totally had a secret love affair with Edward. "I THOUGHT YOU WERE A GIRL!"

Twelve and half seconds later – after the host dodged the flying mallet Renesmee threw at him for the Renesman comment – they reached the Pimp Master of Forks' home. Jacob was surprised – and a bit disappointed – to find out it the Pimp Master lived at the Clearwater's house. He had been hoping it was Edward…he liked Edward…

The host rapped on the door. Ripping down the door, he stood on it and did his literal rapping on the door. "Word, fo-chizzle. We, homeskittets, wanna talk to the the the-" He kept saying 'the' for rapping effect. "PIMP MASTER!" He went on beat boxing.

As he did, Leah arrived at the doorway, where front door used to be. "Oh God! Not another one of them!" She groaned, seeing Jacob trying to escape. He had his hands over his eyes, using the theory if I can't see them, they can't see me.

"Oh no, you don't!" The host stopped beat boxing and grabbed Jacob.

"No!" Jacob tried to fight him off. His Renesmee sense was tingling. She was doing something important, like getting the mail or playing Clue Jr. That's her favorite game! That and Deal or No Deal. Maybe his could use Renesmee's board game love to his advantage. "NO DEAL!" He started shouting. "NO DEAL!"

"Do I look like Howie to you?" The host asked, forcing his face into Jacob's.

Jacob squinted his eyes. "Well, if you close one and have that filmy white stuff over the other…yeah," He nodded. "You kind of do."

"Get in there." The host tossed Jacob inside – knocking Leah over in the process – to meet the Pimp Master of Forks face to face. "Please come in, Mr. P – I – M - P."

At that moment, The Pimp Master strutted his way into the Clearwater's living room, looking flawless and sexy with two beautiful ladies flanking either side of him. The Pimp Master posed.

"AHH!" Jacob cried, covering his eyes. "He's naked!" He curled up into fetal position trying to avoid looking at the man.

"Hi, everybody!" A bright and happy voice rang throughout the room. Everyone in the room, besides Jake, knew who the Pimp Master was and now even Jacob knew.

"Seth!?" Jacob glanced up confused. How – and more importantly, why - did Seth get all the women? Why do the fangirls just flock to that happy go-lucky, punk? This is completely unacceptable.

It was then Jacob remembered the reason why all his fangirls left…he imprinted on a baby…which was kind of creepy…and also Seth has candy, so why not love him?

"Hi, Jake!" Seth let go of one his women to wave.

"You're the Pimp Master of Forks!?" Jacob nearly shouted. "And why aren't you wearing any pants?" He added, more quietly.

"Because I'm the only pimp in town. And two, I am wearing pants. You're just imagining things." Seth hugged his ladies to his chest.

_Ah,_ Jacob thought randomly having an epiphany about why all of his ladies were gone.

Jacob being taken off the market because of the whole imprinting on a newborn infant thing was the best thing that has ever happened to Seth. It was like having Christmas and Flag Day all at the same time! Now, he got both his own fangirls, plus Jacob's.

Jacob gasped (delayed reaction), again realizing how Seth got all the girls…they were formally his fangirls. Why cruel world did he imprint? And on a man none the less…Darn you, Renes_man_!

"Now that you've had your whole realization on why I'm so sexy narrative. Jacob, it's time for you to become a pimp like me!" Seth smiled, waving for his women to go retrieve his pimping wear. "Renesmee is going to be so happy when we're finished pimping her ride!"

Seth's – formally Jacob's – women reappeared with his pimping supplies. He had a large gold medallion, a pair of baggy, black, basketball shorts, a oversized shirt, multiple, obviously large rings, and a fur, white hat. The entire outfit looked completely and utterly ridiculous. Jacob shuddered, finally understanding he would have to look like that to please his goddess.

"Now, Jake," Seth began, smiling to show off his gold-plated grill. "You've gotta be good to the ladies and they ladies will be good to you." Seth hugged his women again.

"Umm…Seth, yeah…about being a pimp. I really don't want to be one…can we just fake it or something?" Jacob admitted; he only really loved Edward and occasionally Renesman. Even since he found out she was a he; he couldn't look at her the same.

"Suit yourself…I personally enjoy your fangirls…there much more energetic than mine." Seth grinned, revealing his grill again. "Ladies," He addressed them. "Go get some of my funky fresh extra clothing." They nodded.

Leah, at last, spoke up again in this chapter. "_Funky fresh_…dear Lord, you've all lost your freaking minds. Jacob, STOP LAUGHING AT THE ITALICS!" Jacob continued to snicker. She stood to leave the room. "You all need some serious help…like now."

"Bye, Leah!" Seth and Jacob waved.

"Come back and play with us again!" Seth added. "We miss you when you're not in chapters." Jacob said at the same time as Seth.

A few minutes later, Jacob was dressed in his massive, loose fitting shorts, huge, black sweatshirt (which was saying something), a large clock around his neck, an array of varying rings, a baseball style cap – worn sideways, and a glittering set of grillz on his teeth. He looked _fantastic_ (giggle from Jacob) – Oh, who am I kidding? He looked pretty freaking scary.

"Perfect," Seth gazed over his handy work. The host of 'Pimp My Ride' nodded in agreement.

"_Sweet_!" The host emphasized, as he received a strange look from Jacob. It was like a look of love or something.

"There's just one last thing." Jacob looked at Seth, who was dialing the phone. "You need to get the final approval from the Head of Pimping in the Mythical World. Oh yeah, you also are going to need some women to hang all over you and be like 'I love you.' and 'Do you know how freaking sexy you are when you're just in your boxers?' And so and so forth…LEAH!?" Seth shouted for her. There was pause and then he called some else as well. "MOM!?"

Leah groaned and returned. "I hate you all." She went over and draped herself over Jacob, he giggled. Leah was hugging him… "You're so sexy in your boxers…" She mumbled.

After Jacob got over his giggle fit of being hugged by Leah, he asked the question he almost forgot because there was so much other narration in-between himself and when Seth told him he'd have to get approved by some guy. "Who? And does your Mom really have to be one of my ladies?"

"Okay, fine. Sorry, Mom!" Seth bellowed to her. There was a disappointed sigh upstairs. Jacob hugged Leah again; she smelled like daisies. "Oh and it's Arizzle. You may know him as Aro Volturi."

Both Leah and Jacob gasped, but then realized they were miles away and it really didn't matter either way. Jacob nodded for Seth to give him the phone.

"Hello," Aro greeted. "How can I be of assistance? Anyone you want slaughtered? Any immortal children to be destroyed? Do you just want to talk?"

Jacob swallowed. What could he say? He couldn't be too blunt; that would be disrespectful. And so, he said, "I'm a pimp worthy for my sexy, half-breed woman?"

"Who are you?" Aro questioned.

"Jacob Black…I'm a shaper-shifter…" He spoke hesitantly, trying not to insult him.

"HECK YES! Shape-shifters are known pimps! That's why Caius is so determined to get rid of them and all werewolves, their impeding on his business of sexiness!" Aro replied happily; not the least bit insulted.

"YAY!" Jacob cheered, hanging up the phone.

Aro listened as the phone was hung up without any good-bye. "Oh, he's going down now…that was completely disrespectful and rude." Aro loaded the rocket launcher he had stolen off of Esme last time he was in Forks. "Here comes, Aro! Ha-Zah!" He jumped off his chair and moved swiftly towards Forks.

"I'm a pimp!" Jacob declared proudly, running quickly away to fetch Leah –who had tried to escape while Jacob made the phone call. She swore under breath. He held her tighter to him.

Sighing, she went on with the charade. "Oh my God. You're so freaking hott." Leah spoke with as little enthusiasm as possible. "How much longer do I have to be your lady?" She asked Jacob.

"Forever! I'm a pimp and you're my babe!" He danced.

"Now, lets go do the whole reveal thing for Nessie!" Seth ran over and grabbed Jake's arm. They skipped to where Renesmee was.

"Hide here," the host threw a blanket over Jacob. "I'll remove it to show the new, pimped out ride she has."

Renesmee was filing her nails. "Finally," she walked over to the host. "Show me my new, pimped out ride!"

"Ready?" The host asked. Renesmee nodded. "One, two, three." He threw off the blanket on Jacob, showing her to Nessie.

"OH MY GOD!" She sobbed. "It's beautiful!" She walked over and began inspecting her polished ride. "I didn't know you could take something so ugly and make it this wonderful! Thank you!"

"Do you want to ride him?" The host pushed Jacob down on his hands and knees, so Renesmee could ride on his back. She nodded.

"Yes!" Renesmee pushed ever-clingy Leah off of Jacob.

"YOU TOLD ME I WAS YOUR LADY FOR FOREVER!" Leah threw her shoe at him. "IT'S OVER! I'M DONE WITH YOU, PIMP MASTA JAKE!"

"Wait!" Jake called after her. "I'm still a ladies man!"

"No," Seth appeared out of thin air. "I stole all of your fangirls." He disappeared again.

"NOOOOO!" Jacob collapsed.

Renesmee hopped on his back. "Go, my pimped out, lady-less ride!" She kicked him.

"The god – or goddess…I'm still not sure if she's or he is a girl or boy. What with Renesman and all - has kicked me! Maybe I am blessed after all! Yay!"

And with that Nessie got her fresh, pimped out ride, Aro became a rocket launcher model, Edward realized – for the first time - he wasn't in the latest chapter, Jasper found out the peanut butter is not actually butter and Seth got all the ladies. The end.

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Author's Note: I'm not sure I like this one, but oh well…I thought I put it up. I've been gone for awhile…Sorry again…

Hope everyone has a fantastic holiday season!

Oh yes, and all the Seth-ness was a request by Seth's Baby…hope you enjoyed it! :D


	98. Where's My Newborn: Revamped

Disclaimer: No, we do not own Twilight in the least. It's probably a good thing, though.

Author's Note: This is sort of another take on a previous chapter we've already had…'Where's My Newborn'…My sister and I saw quite a coincidence in Breaking Dawn…

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Edward looked frantically around, but he couldn't locate her. Where was she? Where could she have gone?

"I've lost my newborn!" He was running around the house, knocking everything over and smashing things as he went. "I've lost my newborn!"

"Oh, Edward," Alice walked over holding Renesmee. "Renesmee right here." Alice nuzzled her gently with her nose, before handing her to Edward.

"Eww…what is this crap?" He held Renesmee upside-down by the foot. "This is _not_ (Jacob giggle) my newborn."

"Yes, it is." She took Renesmee off of him and flipped her right side up again, then handed her back to Edward. "Take your newborn."

"This is not my newborn." He pushed the infant back towards Alice. "Take it away. It's hideous."

At that moment, Bella walked in; crimson eyes, blood dripping from her lips, her eighteen-year-old beautiful and graceful body. Now, that was the kind of newborn he was talking about. Who wanted a smelly baby, when you could have a bloodthirsty, sexy newborn vampire?

"MY NEWBORN!" Edward ran over and hugged her, skipping away happily.

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Author's Note: Can't beat the original, but still an interesting concept to consider. Edward's got his newborns – both vampire and infant.


	99. Leeches

Disclaimer (of the not claiming kind): I don't own Twilight in the least. Or the song "How Much is the Doggy in the Window?"

Author's Note: A Cullen Moment for the New Year. These takes place at Jacob's High School…I know this can't happen because of the whole treaty, but assume the teacher disregarded the prejudice against the Cullens on the reserve. This takes place before Bella is a vampire. Okay, here we go…

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Jacob fidgeted in his seat, rubbing his back against the backrest of his hard chair. Wellness sucked. He knew that; the world knew that.

Jacob groaned, glancing over to Embry who was taking notes vigilantly. Who takes notes in Wellness, anyway? Unless it's about the female's repro-

"Today," their teacher, Mrs. Barney, cut off Jacob mid-thought. "We will be learning about leeches and how they beneficial in the medical field." She smiled, lifting a pile of papers from her desk and moving them.

"Are not!" Jacob involuntarily shouted. "Liar! Leeches suck!" Embry snickered.

"That they do, Mr. Black. And I would appreciate it if you would raise your hand before you blurt out answers." She turned her attention back to the rest of the class. "Anyway, we have been lucky enough to have Dr. Carlisle Cullen here to speak to this class about leeches and their purpose."

"What!? You're having him talk to us about _leeches_!? This is an outrage!" Jacob had another sudden out burst.

"Mr. Black," Mrs. Barney scolded.

Embry chimed in. "It's nothin', Mrs. Barney. He's just mad about having the sit through the dog sledding lesson in lit last period."

"Oh the humanity! How could they be SO cruel to dogs!?" Jacob slammed his head down on his desk and began to pound it violently against its surface. "WHY!? I ask you! Why!?"

"Okay, moving on." Mrs. Barney wrote leeches on the board with two columns, pros and cons. "Dr. Cullen will be here in moment with his leeches." Jacob's swallowed, his nose being assaulted by the scent of vampire.

"Ahh!" He pounded his head with more force. Embry watched him, as he wrinkled his own nose at the smell. "And why did you put pros!? There are no pros!"

Carlisle walked through the classroom door with the teacher not a second later. Smiling, Carlisle greeted the class. "Hello, youthful blood sausages!" – Jacob and Embry winced –"I am Dr. Carlisle Cullen. You may call me Dr. Cullen or Carlisle, if you prefer."

The class resounded in a variant of hellos to Carlisle. Carlisle waved them silent and began again with his speech.

"Now, I hear you are all learning about leeches and their purpose in this world. Well, I would like to introduce you to some leeches." The rest of the Cullen family walked through the door with Bella in tow as well. She smiled and waved at Jake, who twitched.

Carlisle grinned at his family holding the leeches in their hands. Bella was the only one without any leeches on her person.

"Now, these are leeches." Carlisle motioned to his family, showing off his leeches. "Beautiful aren't they?"

"Could you please demonstrate for the children what a leech does?" Mrs. Barney asked. Carlisle nodded. Jacob grabbed tight onto either side of his desk.

_OhGod! OhGod! OhGod! Thisisacompleteandtotaloutragethattheyaredoingtome!_ Jacob's thoughts ran at a rapid pace. _Crap! Crap! Crap! Yay italics! _

Edward smirked at Jacob's thoughts.

"Ah, yes," Carlisle looked over towards Edward and Bella. "Why don't you two show us what a leech does." Edward's smirk grew wider as he listened to Jacob's thoughts.

_Ohcrap! Ohcrap! Ohcrap! Ohcrap!_ Jacob then realized Edward could hear his thoughts. _Oh my God! I'm sharing my italics with Edward…Eww…_

Edward – while trying to ignore Jacob's thoughts – pulled Bella to the front of the family, so the entire class could see.

Carlisle introduced the class to Edward and Bella. "This is my son, Edward and his girlfriend, Bella." Carlisle took Bella's arm and moved her into position for Edward to recreate what a leech does. "Usually leeches are used to help drain blood after reconstructive surgery. They are allowed to attach to the wound and drain the blood from the patient. Some call them 'bloodsuckers'." He chuckled.

Bella held up her arm. Edward opened his mouth and faked biting Bella's arm. Jacob twitched again his chair, falling out his chair. He began to have a spasm on the floor as Edward repeatedly pretended to bite Bella.

"Thank you, Edward and Bella." Carlisle pulled Edward off of Bella.

"Ow," Bella jumped. "I think you broke skin the last one!" Jacob froze, eyes wide. "Kidding." She held up her hand laughing.

"Let's give them a round of applause." Carlisle said, while the class began to clap, cheering for the bloodsucking leeches.

"Mr. Black," Mrs. Barney crossed her arms. Jacob instantly understood, sliding back up into his chair.

Carlisle smiled at Jacob, who twitched for the third time today.

Jacob raised his hand. Mrs. Barney nodded to him. "This is an outrage! As I said before! What about the treaty!?"

Mrs. Barney looked puzzled. "What treaty?"

Jasper smirked as he and Emmett fed the treaty into the leeches in their hands. "Yeah, Jacob. What treaty?" The paper was devoured.

Jacob squeaked like a little girl.

"Mr. Black, I do believe you are being quite rude to Dr. Cullen and his family. I think you may need to talk to principal about this." The teacher began to write up a disciplinary act chart.

"First we sing, "How Much is That Doggy in the Window?" in chorus, next dog shedding, and now, LEECHES! How cruel and wrong can one day be!? And why didn't anyone ever buy the doggy in the window!?" Jacob flung his arms in the air.

"Mr. Black!" The teacher started, but was cut off by Carlisle.

"I think we should go. We do not want to cause problems." He turned to the class smiling. "Goodbye, my future blood donors."

Embry and Jacob again winced at the vampire joke.

"I say future blood donors because, since I'm here, this school will be having a blood drive." Jacob and Embry sighed in relief. Carlisle waved once more. "Bye, Wolfie – I mean - Jacob! See you at the newborn fight!" He skipped out.

Mrs. Barney turned back to Jacob. "Jacob, why are going to fight infants?"

"Stupid leeches…" Jacob muttered.

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And then – suddenly – Edward and Bella ran back into the classroom and Edward bit her.

Bella cheered. "Woo-hoo! Go leeches! Hi, Jake! Don't you just love Wellness class!" Then Bella remembered she was supposed to be in pain and had a spasm.

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Author's Note: I can only imagine Jacob in school…this is how we suppose he would react to the leeches for medicine lesson. Tee hee.

Oh yes, and I'm slowly replying to all the reviewers from the last two chapters. I'm sorry I'm slow...

And I wanted to say thank you to everyone who stuck with us, even when we didn't write for like 4 months... and thank you to all of you who favorited this...we have currently over 200 favorites, which is incredible. So thank you so very much for all of your support! :D


	100. Final SheBANG!

Author's Note: The time has come for the final Cullen Moment.

And, as most things do, we decided to end it with a bang.

So, here you go…

Disclaimer: We do not own _Twilight_. Or EZ Tip Calculators. Or TI Inspires. Or Prius. Or Demi Lovato (You know what's funny? For how much we didn't like _Camp Rock_, we've fallen madly in love with _Sonny with a Chance_. We actually _really _like Demi now. Oh the irony.). Or Shark Boy and Lava Girl. Or Little Debbie cupcakes. Or Cedric Diggory. Or _Low _by Flo-Rida. Or Webkinz. Or Teletubbies. Or Where's Waldo?. Or eHarmony. Or Viva Pinata. Or E-bay. Or Wal-Mart. Or Jeep.

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BANG! (The end)

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Author's Note: I told you we'd end with a bang, didn't I? Well, okay I decided to do a bit of an epilogue to really close up this story. It's kind of a 'where are they now?' section. You'll now learn where all of your favorite participates in A Cullen Moment ended up after this story ended. We'll be starting with some of our favorite characters, then slowly moving down to the more main characters in the series. So now, without further interruption, we, Wolf Babies (Marina and Mikayla), proudly present A Cullen Moment: The Epilogue.

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_**Sam Uley**_

Three years after this story ended, Sam's paperclip was eventually stolen by a wild mongoose, who fled into the woods just outside of La Push. Sam blamed Emily (aka _That Woman_ who is trying to destroy him) for all that had happened to his beloved paperclip. His paranoia steadily increased. He now wears four bulletproof vests, eight pairs of spandex leggings, a fez, earmuffs, and hiking boots at all times to protect himself.

Sam still does not like Demi Lovato after the whole incident at the concert.

_**Emily Young**_

Purchased more 'Expanded Wolf' clothing just a few months ago and is planning on buying more for her hubby. She has to deal with Sam's paranoia constantly still. Bless her.

_**Embry Call**_

Failed wellness, and had to take it again the next year. He cringed when the lesson on medicinal leeches came up. And no one ever did admit to being his father.

_**Aro (Doesnthavealastnameawitz)**_

Was accepted as part of the Seth, Pimp Master of Forks, ganster nation. He now goes only by the name 'Arizzle', and is still trying to destroy the horror that is Teletubbies.

_**Marcus (Nolastname)**_

Is refusing to help Embry find his father.

_**Seth Clearwater**_

Is still the current Pimp Master of Forks. He's got the ladies. He doesn't need anything else.

_**Leah Clearwater**_

After joining the basketball league has learned she hates basketball. She still can't stand her brother's pimp-ness.

_**The Third Wife**_

Is still looking for her name.

_**Jared (Nolastnameski)**_

Is still some kind of woodland god, and is now a sexy swimsuit model. And still loves TI Inspire Graphing Calculators.

_**Paul (Nonombre)**_

Is still trying to figure out how to use the EZ tip calculator on his phone.

_**Charlie Swan**_

Has misplaced his offspring…_again_. But who really cares at this point?

_**Billy Black**_

Is still wondering why Jacob has such a fondness to dog treats and drinking from the toilet.

_**Connor, Phil, Rachael and Rebecca (Their last names just don't matter anyway.)**_

Actually did something productive in the series.

_**Mike Newton**_

Mike tried to break away from the cookie making art, but he couldn't. Once you're an elvish cookie maker, you're an elvish cookie maker for life. Jasper still believes that he is incredibly tasty. Jasper salivates whenever he is around.

Also, he still suffers from cooties.

_**Carrots, the Pony**_

The void in Edward's heart will never be filled.

_**Fluffy, the cat of Carlisle's that Emmett ate, Princess, Carlisle's the vampire cat, and the box of kittens left on the Cullen's doorstep**_

Rest in peace, Fluffy and Princess. As for the box of kittens…let's just say Emmett had a nice dinner one night…

_**Patricia, the Walrus**_

Still has affection for Jacob, even though she cheated on him with Paul.

_**Jasper's Piñata Friends**_

Are still Cullen Bop's biggest fans.

_**The Pandas Emmett and Jasper Educated**_

Still currently rule the world. Obey the panda overlord.

_**Ben (Nonameawiz)**_

Still thinks lemons taste like Pine Sol.

_**Angela Weber**_

Now likes lemon in her liver salad.

_**Jessica Stanley**_

Has yet to recover from the lemon incident.

_**Quil Ateara **_

Is still trying to teach Claire how to use the potty. Also, he continually cherishes the shirt with Claire pee on it.

_**Claire (Lastnamedoesntexistski)**_

Isn't potty trained yet.

_**Esme Cullen **_

Finally has gotten her rocket launcher back from Renesmee after she tried to use it on Jacob and her parents. Currently still is Renesmee's favorite grandmother. She has recently started production on her own superhero spin off show entitled, _Free Fallin'_: _The Story of a Mother With a Rocket Launcher _(A/N: Jacob…for the love of peaches. Give up on the italics.).

_**Carlisle Cullen**_

Is still a sexy Little Debbie cupcake model. He has just a few months ago patented the 'Unbabyanator', and is working on his next stroke of genius. He has yet get over his mid-life crisis and kept the plastic surgery. He doesn't look so _OLD_ anymore. He also still refers to the children at Jacob's school as 'blood sausages'. It's like his own little pet name for them.

As for his cats, he is thinking about getting a new one, but doesn't know if he wants to relive the memories of Fluffy and Princess. They were such good little kitties…until Emmett brutally ate them.

Carlisle, Billy, and Charlie's threesome (aka _World's Sexist Men Make the World's Sexiest Love Triangle (_A/N: Jacob, stop laughing_)_) sadly split a few months after the conclusion of this story.

And he has yet to admit that he did _indeed_ name Edward's pony Carrots.

_**Rosalie Cullen**_

Is still waiting to be paid for her work as Sexy Babe in the Capricious Cullens movie.

After stealing the mirror out of Edward's room, being told that Jacob was far more vain than her, and having to read that horrible children's book Emmett wrote, Rosalie tried to remove herself from this story to put more attention into things that mattered. Also known as herself. She failed miserably due to that fact that she was forced into later chapters, but it was a good try. She received an E for effort.

She is currently spending her days trying to become more vain than Jacob, which is a full time job.

_**Alice Cullen**_

Has bought more Webkinz. She tried to change Bella back into a five-year-old with the Babyanator, just so she'd have her Bella baby doll again, but Edward had fit, saying something about ponies and car whistles.

Sadly, Alice's tramcar broke down not three seconds after the filming of the Capricious Cullens movie. She has been trying to find a replacement, but no luck yet. She put up an ad in the local paper for that as well as a horribly tacky lampshade. Jacob just doesn't satisfy that need anymore. Stupid piece of poop.

On a better note, her talk show, 'The Alice Show', has reached a trillion viewers and pwns face when it comes to the Nelson ratings.

_**Renesmee Cullen**_

Continually goes the bathroom on Jacob, though she is completely potty trained.

After receiving the Prius from her parents, she demanded they give her back her pink Barbie car. She threatened to go to college early. Instead of waiting until she was seven months old, she would only wait until she was six and a half months old. Edward, or Ed as she calls him, freaked out and convinced her to stay by buying her a new teddy bear she named, Seth-Jacob-Leah-Sam-Embry-Paul-Quil-Brady-Collin-Jared. She liked to call him Secobeasbrulilradllied for short.

Esme is still her favorite grandmother and she still can't figure out why an idiot like Jacob imprinted on her. She demands a recount.

_**Jasper Cullen**_

Continued to educate pandas with Emmett. Jasper a long, long time ago gave up on Viva Piñata, but that didn't keep his piñata friends away. They, the piñatas and Jasper, are all currently living in a small cottage in Norway, where Jasper always wanted to go.

Jasper pondered once about joining the track team again, but gave up the idea when he was offered a starring role on Esme's superhero spin off show. He reprised his role as The Stupid Confederate, and recently won an Emmy for 'Best Confederate Portrayal in a Spin Off Series'. He also just sold the Enigma Engine on E-bay for sixty-three cents.

Waldo still loves Jasper more than Emmett.

_**Emmett Cullen**_

Is just barely smarter than the average bear.

Emmett a few years after the completion of this story realized what had had happened to his smart glasses. He then drove his Jeep angrily to Jacob's house, and forced him to drive him to the nearest Wal-Mart to buy another pair of glasses. Why Emmett couldn't just drive himself to Wal-Mart was too hard for anyone to comprehend, so they just didn't try to figure it out.

Emmett fixed his Babyanator a few weeks ago, only to have it be destroyed by Edward, when Alice tried to change Bella into a five-year-old.

Emmett now spends most of his eternal days searching for Waldo within in his ten second attention span, begging Jacob to shape shift into a beard that he can wear (since he can't grow his own), building a new time machines (He's planning to go back in time to play with dinosaurs. And make an omelet in the eighteen hundreds and freak everybody out with his amazing skill.), taking random bathroom breaks he doesn't need, and working on his Super Emmett theme song.

Emmett also still writes fanfiction (or should I say, fantruth). His latest story being a sequel to Jacob's romance with a walrus, entitled: _The Double W: A Wolf and A Walrus (_A/N: Jacob, I swear I'm going to kick you.).

_**Bella Swan-Cullen**_

Has yet to get over the whole Demi Lovato thing.

Bella soon realized after this story that she was in fact married to Cedric Diggory. This caused her to freak out each and every time she saw Edward. Her fan girl screech was so loud it not only deafened the already deaf, but it also has broken glass as well.

Her best friend is Shark Bo—I mean – Jacob. Even if he loves himself, and Patricia, the walrus, more than her.

Bella is still Edward's favorite newborn.

_**Edward Cullen**_

Hates this story more than undead/eternal life itself.

Edward found out about the eHarmony account that Jasper and Emmett started, and nearly tore them apart and burned them with a campfire, when he found out only Shark Boy (Jacob) responded. He knew already knew Jacob loved him, he didn't need everyone on eHarmony to know.

He, two years ago, accepted that he was Cedric Diggory and accepted Seth's offer to join his gangsta nation. Now, between Seth, Aro, and Edward, there is enough sexy in Forks to name it the nation's sexy capital.

His womanly tendencies have yet lighten up. He still constantly puts his hands on his hips and carries around a man bag.

Edward recently found out that Bella's favorite flavor of pancake was eggs. He made her some three days ago, and she ate them. And then she vomited them back up because she's a vampire now, so it really doesn't matter that he finally learned her favorite kind of pancake.

Edward is looking into purchasing another pony.

_And now, for the main character of this story…._

_**Jacob Black**_

_Is more in love with italics than ever. _

_After the completion of this story, Jacob took a few years off from the italicized spotlight to focus on more important things in the world, like himself. He has now officially become the most vain and self-centered person in the world. He sends pictures to himself in the mail, just so he everyday has the surprise of opening his mail to see his sexy-ness. _

_He is very lovesick when it comes to Renesmee, and takes her beatings as her way of expressing her love. He even kept the pimp status after the whole _"Pimp My Ride"_ incident. _

_As for Shark Boy, his Lava Girl (Carlisle) has abandoned him, leaving him to sulk and be depressed. But then he remembered that Cedric Diggory had given him all of his fan girls, and that girls finally liked him. He was so excited that he wet the carpet in the Cullen mansion. Emmett and Jasper were horrified after they had spent six years housetraining him._

_Renesmee and Jake still love the song _Low_ by Flo-Rida. It's going to be their wedding song in three weeks when they get married. Jake will be age seventeen and Renesmee will be three weeks old. It's going to be the most illegal wedding ever, but who cares? She looks about twenty. It's all about the face value._

_Jacob wears his Expanded Wolf pants every once in awhile. They're very roomy and breathe really well._

_Did I mention Jacob LOVES italics?_

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Author's Note: And I pretty sure that's everyone. Or at least everyone we want to write….

Well, okay… We just wanted to say THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! It has been _amazing _writing this story and we would have never probably gotten pasted the like tenth chapter if we didn't have such great fans cheering us on. You guys are seriously the most epically amazing people ever!

I know it took us forever to do this final update, but you don't even know how much it means to us that you guys spent the time reading, reviewing, favoriting, alerting, or whatever else you did with this story. THANK YOU! One hundred chapters, over two-hundred favorites, six communities, and over seventeen-hundred reviews….wow, you guys are awesome! :D

We can never express to you enough how grateful we are! This final installment is dedicated to all of you guys. You really deserve so much more, but this is the best we could do.

Who would have thought that a story that started out as Mikayla's eighth grade history project (yeah, that's right, this story began as a history project) would turn into this?

THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU again from the bottom of our hearts.

-Marina and Mikayla (Wolf Babies)


	101. Bonus: Cullen Moments That Never Were

Author's Note: Hello, once more. Now, that A Cullen Moment has officially ended we wanted to present you all with a bonus feature we like to call, The Cullen Moments That Never Were. This includes pieces and parts of Cullen Moments we started but never finished, as well as the history project that started it all. Yes, the original Cullen Moment. Warning: It's weird. There is one more chapter of Bonus Features as we're calling them. It's actually a chapter we finished, but never posted. Anyway, if anyone wants to adopt and finish any of these pieces, you can send us a message.

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Author's Note 2.0: This first piece is a personal favorite of ours. It takes place during _Breaking Dawn_, and it kind of amusing

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I Don't own Twilight…Disclaimer: Or AIM.

Author's Note: This is sort of a Breaking Dawn parody of sorts. Yes, Breaking Dawn spoilers are present. Hope you enjoy….

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This is how the real Volturi epic chat scene went…but unfortunately it was cut out for a more face-to-face approach.

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"Edward!" Alice yelled. "Get off AIM! We have a huge crisis!"

"Alice," He typed some random phase on the keyboard in front of him. "I know. That's why I'm inviting the Volturi to be in a chat room with me. Duh."

"Wait," Alice walked in the room. "I saw them coming to attack us. They were in Forks. I know it."

Edward shook his head. "That's because that was their decision when you had the vision. They checked on flight times and prices to get over on this continent and it's out of their budget for terrorizing people this month. So, they sent me a e-mail stating they would like to chat speak it out."

"Oh." A light bulb came on in Alice's head….which was weird…how does a light bulb get in your head? "So, are did they respond?"

"Hold on." Edward started at the computer screen. There was a blip and suddenly a message appeared. '_Arizzle' has accepted your invite.'_ "Success!" He cheered.

"They said yes?" Alice looked at the screen. "I'll get everyone to log on, so that we can have a massively epic fight chat!" She skipped off.

Ten minutes later, all the Cullens, random vampires that came to help, the wolf pack, the Voturi and Mike were in a chat room. Each group had come to this chat with a mission and they were going to complete it.

And luckily right before this everyone changed their screen names to things that kind of fit them. How convenient?

**EddiesTeddie** (aka Bella) has signed on.

**Mutantlover **(aka Jacob) has signed on.

**Arizzle:** Edskizzle, r u still here, homeskillet?

Even when they weren't supposed to be friends, Aro always was kind enough to use his funky language with Carlizzle's home skillets.

**SexierThanJacob:** Cha. So let's do diz thing.

Edward was really humble with his name. Can't you tell?

**Mutantlover:** ROAR!

**Arizzle:** Yo, word…whatz dat yo?

**SexierThanJacob: **Oh, that's our resident confused shape shifter. Disregard him…like I do….

**Mutantlover:** D: You don't love me?

Jacob begins to sob at his computer. This was heartbreaking. But suddenly he realized he never actually loved Edward, he loved Renesmee. So technically he only really loved half of Edward…so that the part that was spurning his affection currently must be the half he wasn't in love him. It makes perfect sense.

**Arizzle:** Right on! Shape shifters r da bomb!

**Mutantlover:** :D I love you!

**IdontliveinScotland **has signed on.

**IdontliveinScotland:** Jake, I thought you loved me. God!

**Mutantlover:** Nessie! :O

**Arizzle:** Holy crap! Like fo-chizzles! U have the Loch Ness Monster your house 2?

**EddiesTeddie:** Jake, Nessie! Run! Go far away!

**Mutantlover:** Huh? ^ ^ I want to stay and chit chat…

**EddiesTeddie:** NO! :( Run for The Hills!

LaurensMan **has signed on.**

**LaurensMan: **Hey, Vamp Chick. We've already tried that…I LOVE Lauren!

**LaurensMan** has signed off.

**Mutantlover:** I 3 LaurensMan-Oops, sorry- I mean. NO! I won't!

**EddiesTeddie:** Jake, Renesmee, sign off.

**Mutantlover:** NEVER!

**Mutantlover:** What cha going to do about it?

**ImdontliveinScotland:** God, Mom. Shut up.

**Mutantlover:** Yeah! :D Tell her, Ness!

**ImdontliveinScotland:** Shut up, Jake. God, you r SOOOOO annoying….

**MutantLover:** As you wish, my love! XOXO

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Author's Note 2.0: Next we have an incredibly short piece that we only actually finished the first paragraph of.

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Disclaimer: Ownage of one Twilight. Hmm….(ponders)…I have none that I know of…

Author's Note: Oh yes, I meant to congratulate for marrying my writing about two weeks ago. (Yup, my writing is taken. Sorry.) XD

Anyway this is another chapter inspired by a conversation with our cousin, Erica. Mikayla and her had a tea party with the wolf pack yesterday…it was lovely.

Breaking Dawn stuff….

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Bella and Renesmee sat together on the Cullen couch, counting the windowpanes in the house. Renesmee was up to three thousand four hundred and ninety-two. While Bella had only counted a measly three thousand four hundred and ninety-one; she wasn't trying hard enough.

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Author's Note 2.0: Next involves Dorian Gray. This one isn't really funny at all. We just had it, so we thought we throw it in.

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Disclaimer: I don't Twilight or the Picture of Dorian Gray.

Bella sat reading her favorite new book…ok, so she was reading it for her AP literature class, but hey, she liked it.

Turing each page, reading the words slowly to her self. Renesmee noticed her intent stare on the book, this sparked her interest.

"Momma, what are you reading?" Renesmee gracefully strutted over to her mother.

Bella looked up from the tale she was wrapped in. Smiling she answered her daughter's question. "The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde. It's a lovely and charming tale."

Renesmee bit her lip, "Don't half the characters die in the end? Including Dorian."

Bella nodded. "'Course, sweetheart. It wouldn't be a good story if everyone lived happily ever after." Renesmee agreed and hopped up on her mother's lap.

"Can I?" She motioned towards the book. "I do enjoy tales of misery." Bella handed her the book.

Renesmee began to read, but before she could finish her second sentence a voice cut her off.

"

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Author's Note: And finally, the moment you've all been waiting for. The original Cullen Moment. This was a dream vacation project Mikayla was doing for history, and during her fifth day on the trip, this is what happened. **WARNING (again):** This is _extremely_ weird, and doesn't make any sense whatsoever.. It's also told in Mikayla's point of view (because it's her trip).

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Day 5

A werewolf attacked me and I died. My sister realized it was Jacob Black and married him for spite. And I found out I can't die because I'm a vampire. And now I'm out to get her…..

Jacob protected my sister and ripped me apart limb from limb. Then Carlisle yelled "Don't worry I'm a doctor!" and danced his way over to my limbs. But Jasper threw lighter fluid over my body and then Rosalie threw a match at my body. But, Edward jumped into the flames and reassembled me. Then just for spite I married him and Carlisle. We then shot my sister and Jacob to death.

But Jacob took the bullets for both my sister and him. So she didn't get hurt. He then showed us the bulletproof vest he had stolen from Charlie earlier that morning. In case anyone tried to shoot him or her.

I gasped. And Edward, then told me that he didn't love me, that he loved Carlisle and only Carlisle. Jacob then thought it was truth time. He then told Marina that he loved Emmett only. He then hit her with a hidden rocket launcher. And ran to Emmet's side. Then I ran to Carlisle and made Carlisle babies, oh and shot Rosalie with a rocket launcher I keep hidden away.

But before I could shoot Rosalie, Charlie ran out of nowhere and started yelling about how 13 year olds should not be allowed to carry rocket launchers around in their pants. It was the most abused law in Forks. Then Jacob bit the head off of one of my Carlisle babies. And made wolf babies with my sister. But Carlisle got jealous and made babies with her too, just to be even.

But then as everyone was distracted by the baby thing I then pulled out my secret shotgun I have for such times. Then as I shot down everyone, Billy Black came in with his wheels of _LOVE_. He beat his son….it was a awesome sight for Edward….He cheered them on. Oh and Bella came out and I bit her because I was hungry. Then, I went over to beat Carlisle body and kick Marina.

Jacob was able to break free of his father's loving grip and jumped in front of the bullets saving everyone from death or after death. Bella screaming, apparently she was able to survive and was turning into a vampire. Jasper ran over the threw lighter fluid on her and Rosalie light a match and threw a match at her. Then Mike came out of a tree and asked if we would like some cookies.

We turned to him and decided to put aside our difference and kill him oh and keep the cookies. Jasper used his lighter fueled and Rosalie dropped the match. Then out of nowhere Alice came out screaming she for saw the fight but didn't come till later because Jasper called and asked to pick up some more lighter fluid, he was running low. And Esme followed because she is completely useless.

Esme turned to Marina and asked if those were her wolf babies. Marina said yes. And they began talking about how hard it is to get grass stains out of clothing. Alice then screamed, "I had a vision earlier! Your computer is infected!". Edward screamed and fainted. Carlisle began to dance and said, "Don't worry, I'm a doctor.". Conner screamed and fainted. "Holy molie," Sam yelled. "Carlisle is a doctor! Who knew?"

Jane and Aro jumped over to Esme and Marina. "Hey, is that a wolf baby?" They gasped. "Yes." They replied. "Can we cause it pain?" Then Esme and Marina screamed and fainted along with Jane and Aro. Quil and his girlfriend came.

Clare walked over to the Carlisle and Jacob's babies and got mixed up with then group. Then Phil stole the rocket launcher from Charlie and shot it at the babies. They all blew up and died. Except the ones that were vampires and werewolves, so only Clare died. Quil swore vengeance against the EVIL Phil, who does so much in the book series.

Alice then went over to Ben. Ben was horribly ugly to Alice so she screamed and fainted at his uglylyness. Then, I ran to my Ex-lover Edward's side. And stole Jasper's lighter fluid and Rosalie's match and dropped them on Edward. Then I found out I never opened the bottle or took out a match so instead I took a stick and poke his eye.

Edward screamed and woke up. And Carlisle yelled "Don't worry, I'm a doctor!" Sam replied with, "Holy crap, Carlisle is _still_ a doctor?" Sam screamed and fainted next to Conner and Alice. Quil snuck up behind Phil and kicked him in the calf, but Renee was able to throw Quil to the ground and beat the crap out of him. Quil died suddenly of a heart attack.

James then came out with Leah and their many wolf babies. Then James went over and made out with Billy. The wolf babies joined the many wolf babies. Billy then felt more love for James the Jacob. Jacob needed then a rebound person so he settled for Embry, they made lovely wolf babies.

Marina ran over to Jacob and slapped him for making wolf babies with some else. She was so insulted; she pushed James off of Billy and made wolf babies with him. I got jealous, so I pushed Marina off of Billy and made some little wofies of my very own. James got mad and made love with Edward.

Bella returned from the dead and wanted in on the fun so she jumped on Jasper. Jasper and her made fabulous vampire babies. Then, Marina wanted Billy back and I couldn't fight with the trade she gets Billy I get my Ex-lover Edward. So she made more babies and I pulled James off of Edward and continued the only thing that happens in this story. James got even madder that he lost his rebound man he looked for a new on and only found Emily. So he just gave up and made vampire/human/sky pirate babies with her.

Leah screamed, she had missed all the fun. She kicked Emily, the girl who took everything from her, and made even better babies with James, vampire/werewolf/human/viera/sky pirate/moogle/Mexican babies. Sam woke up and yelled, "Hey world! Carlisle is a doctor!" "Yes, I am." Carlisle replied dancing. Emmett screamed and fainted.

Jacob felt left out and imprinted on Elizabeth. And made babies with her. Edward freaked out because half brothers and sisters. So he pushed me off him to go kill the kids. I was mad because now I needed a re re rebound person so I went to Marcus. I made more vampire babies. The Marina broke away from Billy because she found out she was a werewolf and imprinted on Jacob.

Jacob realized he had just been imprinted on by Marina and said " Forget, Elizabeth. I got a sexy girlfriend now." He unimprinted himself from Elizabeth, and ran over and had make love with Marina again. Elizabeth was feeling left out and looked over at her dashing son, Edward, brutally killing the kids she had with Jacob and decided to make some dashing babies with him. So, she beat Edward and made sixty-seven children with him. Jacob looked over at Edward and realized they had something common now. They both had been beaten by one of their parents. Feeling the connection, Jacob threw Elizabeth off of Edward and began a passionate relationship with him. Resulting in two hundred and twenty-three vampire/werewolf babies. It was true love. They came to the conclusion they neither one really loved Bella, they really loved each. And only followed Bella to be near one another.

And then night fell and everyone screamed and fainted. Except for Elizabeth who remembered she was dead, and threw herself back in her grave. The end of day five. Yeah, it was boring.

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Author's Note: Did you notice all the "Wolf Babies"? This is where our author's came from too. ;) I hope you enjoyed all the pieces and parts. Thank you for reading! :D


	102. Bonus: Go Gators!

Disclaimer: We don't own Twilight.

Author's Note: Go Gators! Based on the scene where Emmett says, "Go Gators" in Breaking Dawn, after Jacob, Bella, and Edward trying to give Charlie enough info that he knows something is up, but not enough to get him in trouble.

This is a collection of other moments we believe the phrase would be appropriate to break up the awkwardness…

This is the last and final piece of _A Cullen Moment._ I hope you all enjoyed this story as much as we enjoyed writing it! Again from the bottom of our hearts we thank you for reading this! THANK YOU!

And now we present: Go Gators!

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**Awkward Moment 1**

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"Edward, I know what you are." Bella stared into his topaz eyes, drinking in their seducing, sexy color. She knew. She had always known. And now she'd tell him.

"Ummm…" Edward was dumbfounded.

"You're a vampire!" She exclaimed.

Feeling awkward and gawky, Edward said the first thing that came to mind. "Go Gators!" He scurried away.

***

**Awkward Moment 2**

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"Bella, we can't be friends anymore." Jacob bit his lip. He couldn't not be her friend, that would kill him.

He leaned down to give her a goodbye kiss; she allowed it. He needed this before he left.

They were lost in each other for a second, and then Jacob pulled back. "Goodbye, Bella"

Bella grabbed his arm. "It's alright, Jake. I know you're a werewolf." Bella smiled.

"Well…umm…this definitely awkward…." Jacob looked around for an escape. He hadn't really thought that she'd actually figure out what he was trying to tell her that night.

"Yeah, pretty much." Bella agreed.

They stood for a moment, not looking at each other, just staring at the ground.

Jacob then caught a glimpse of an escape. "Go Gators!" He ran away.

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**Awkward Moment 3**

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"Bella," Jacob burst through the door of the Cullen home. "I've come to save you from these blood-thirsty vampires! Ha-zah!"

Bella stared at him, then said. "Jacob, I'm pregnant."

"Oh, well that throws a monkey wrench into things…." Jacob patted his pockets and glanced around. "Go Gators!" He ran right back out the door in a flash.

***

**Awkward Moment 4**

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Bella held up the box of tampons, showing them off to Edward. "Edward, what are these?! What are these?!"

"Umm…tampons?" Edward wasn't entirely sure since no woman in house actually had working female parts.

"And what are they used for?!" Bella screamed, tossing the box at Edward.

"Oh…yeah…Go Gators!" Edward used his vampire speed to flee from her.

***

**Awkward Moment 5**

***

Bella rolled around on the ground, heartbroken and lost. Edward had just left her there, without even a parting glance. The hole in her heart was swallowing her whole. She was waiting for the darkness to come. It was peaceful then.

But his image refused to leave her mind. "Edward, Edward, Edward." She moaned, her eyes tightly shut. She pretended to be kissing him; unable to hear the shouts and complaints of the guy that is now carrying her from the forest.

She opened her eyes to see that she was kissing Sam as she pretended to kiss Edward.

"Umm…" Bella looked around. "Go Gators!" She booked it away from him.

***

**Awkward Moment 6**

***

Jacob looked at Bella, then Renesmee, then Bella again, then Renesmee. "Umm…Bella…" She looked at him. "I don't know how to say this, but…" He paused. "I love your baby…a lot."

Bella growled.

"Yeah, this is kind of awkward considering I've spent so long trying to save you from becoming a vampire and all. And I kissed you and such. And it's gonna be kind of awkward telling Renesmee that I totally made-out with her mom…"

Bella growled again.

"Umm…yeah…Go Gators!" Jacob shuffled away.

***

**Awkward Moment 7**

***

Charlie was sitting on his couch in the living room. Jacob told him he had something to tell him, so he waited.

"Charlie, I'm a werewolf." Jacob admitted, while phasing.

"Oh my Edward Cullen!" Charlie shouted, gaping at the fact that Jacob had just turned into a large wolf in his living room.

Jacob phased back into a human.

"You're naked!" Charlie yelled. This was even worse than the whole changing into a wolf in the middle of his living room.

Jacob looked down over himself, and then glanced up at Charlie. "Umm… yeah…right…Go Gators!" Jacob bolted from the house.

***

**Awkward Moment 8**

***

Edward was hugging Jacob, holding on to him because he knew he would probably never see him again. "Goodbye, Jacob, my brother…my son (Breaking Dawn, page 723)."

"WT Wendy, Edward?" Jacob took step back. "When the heck did I become your son? Are you secretly Billy?" Jacob stared at him, trying to investigate for signs of his father.

Edward looked embarrassed. "Yes…no…Go Gators!" Edward grabbed his wife and scurried away to be destroyed by the Volturi.

***

**Awkward Moment 9**

***

"Renesmee," Jacob knelt down, pulling a small, black, velvet box from his back pants pocket. "I love you…and would like to ask you to marry me." He opened the box, grinning.

Renesmee smiled back, nodding fiercely. "Yes, yes."

"Good," he put the ring on her finger. "And since we're planning on being husband and wife, I think I should get everything out in the open. Renesmee," he looked in her eyes. "I totally used to have fantasies of doing it with your mother." He beamed.

Renesmee's eyebrows rose. "What?"

"Umm…yeah." His smile faded. "I completely wanted to get some from your mom before you came along."

She glared…this was kind of awkward…

"Okay, then." Jacob backed up. "Go Gators!" And he fled.

***

**Awkward Moment 10**

***

Edward didn't want her to become a vampire, but she so wanted to. "No, Bella. Being a vampire sucks."

"No, Edward. I want to be with you!" She pulled him closer, noticing his eyes. "For forever! And I think you need to hunt."

"No, I can't hunt! Because I will know that you won't run off with Carlisle in the morning!"

"How did you know about me and Carlisle?" Bella looked at him. Most would assume Edward was referring to the fact she might run away with Carlisle and become a vampire while he was gone. But those who knew her, knew about them.

"I read your blog!" He shouted.

"Oh, well…" She blushed. "Go Gators!" Was her last statement before she ran off.

***

Author's Note: We wrote this months and months ago, but never posted it, so here you go. Hope everyone had a wonderful Halloween (if you celebrate)! :D We thank you again! You guys seriously and totally rock my socks! I mean if you could see my socks right now you could see how entirely rocked they are. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! THANK YOU!

-Marina and Mikayla (Wolf Babies)


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